lately i've been reminded of the person i used to be, apparently. i went to watch homesick with carol on saturday and she told me, 'you're very hard to please, mel. name the plays that you've actually liked this year.' and i couldn't really come up with any except, 'language' and of course, 'hello'.

i said i didn't enjoy political plays anymore and would prefer something beautiful. and then she said it was funny i said that because she remembered me to be such an angry person in SCGS. now that i think about it, the SCGS me would probably have loved every single fiery explosive opinion that Homesick practically threw at us like forbidden fireworks. the older me was always rambling on about the crap education system, the things i hated about the government and so on and so forth. i seem to have mellowed within this 9-month break - i attribute it to the fact that i'm finally out of the system. but then i think about eleanor wong and what she said (or was it alfian and am i remembering wrong because i could not help but think eleanor said everything wise) about us all contributing to the system. and i cannot let my apathy turn into permissiveness. the stayer and quitter argument has been done to death, but i think now for me it takes on a different meaning. i'm a quitter because i'd rather run away and be happy and abandon all the things i'd once felt so strongly about.

but i wonder, is it worth it? is it worth it to try and change the system? isn't it enough just to be individually happy? and i suppose that is how they keep us stuffed up and quiet, through our happiness ... but as long as i am truly happy, what does it matter what the system thinks is a battle won? have i really lost all my views?

how much does happiness matter in the whole scheme of things? i really do not know now. but what i know is that it's Love, above everything else. and that is the one thing i can say i'm absolutely sure of but have seem to lost within myself lately. Love, it is more than art, more than happiness, more than the world.

+ posted by M @ 1:22 PM