i am supposed to be writing my essay but i am getting distracted. i guess i really haven't written anything much substantial here for a long time or taken the care to update all of you on the happenings in my life.

well, nothing much happens really. i go to class, do work in the dorms, deal with my miscreant of a roommate, eat bad hall food or instant food to survive. things are rather depressing and droll and i'm certainly not living it up in the US of A unlike many people who go overseas and happen to completely get thrown into all the wonders of independence and partylife and such. not that i'm much of a party-er, but finding a niche of some sort would be nice.

i feel like my sister is starting to forget me. last quarter she missed me terribly but this quarter she doesn't even seem keen on talking to me sometimes when i call.

... and, i don't know what else to say. i can't say i'm happy, which is a very strange thing, i guess, since when you go overseas everyone expects you to say it's 'GREAT' but all you can muster is, 'um, it's okay, i'm fine.' i'm just doing, just getting on with it, since - 'not everyone has the opportunity to go overseas', much less 'to the university of chicago'. in fact i feel lonely a lot of the time and i wonder if i will ever really make real friends. i wonder if it just stops there. that jc friendships were as good as it got (and even then jc friendships weren't all that strong) so maybe it really just stops at scgs and then that's it, the end.

one thing i'm thankful for, though, is that i had the chance to make one more real friend even after the whole realfriendtimeout. i guess i made a real friend last year in aly. which became much more than a real friend, became a best friend. the bestest friend i could ever have and ask for. and when you think about it, the whole thing was just so strange and funny. and beautiful, i think ... though many would think i'm insane for thinking so and am perhaps exaggerating (or blind).

i've considered going back to school in NUS a couple of times but each time told myself that i would probably regret it forever and should stick it out here a bit more until ... well, until i finally get happy. i really wish aly were here though. it's very hard to be completely happy when you're away from the one you love all the time.

i guess the people could be a lot worse. i've met some nice people i can kind of hang out with, but there is no one yet i can really be comfortable with (though we regularly walk around in front of each other in pajamas because we live in a dorm but that doesnt seem to count) and it makes me kind of lonely sometimes. the one person i could call to hang out with and go out with taught me how to smoke pot and well, haven't decided to call her up again lately.

i don't know what else to say except i've turned into one of those people that misses home all the time and just looks forward to going home ... which i really did not expect to be. gotta go there to come back, i guess. first year's always the hardest, they say, but i can't really envision life improving tremendously until aly finally comes here to stay with me.

+ posted by M @ 1:53 PM

...	Friday, January 19, 2007

today i went to the bookstore and read some children's books and i cried. i miss my family and my grandparents.

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was two years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, "This kid is driving me CRAZY!" But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

The little boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. he grew until he was nine years old. And he never wanted to come in for dinner, he never wanted to take a bath, and when grandma visited he always said bad words. Sometimes his mother wanted to sell him to the zoo! But at night time, when he was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that nine-year-old boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

The boy grew. he grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo! But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

That teenager grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town. If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her son and said, "You better come see because I'm very old and sick." So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always....

But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick.

The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My Mommy you'll be.

When the son came home that night, he stood for a long time at the top of the stairs. Then he went into the room where his very new baby daughter was sleeping. He picked her up in his arms and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while he rocked her he sang:
I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

Labels: Love You Forever by Robert Munsch

+ posted by M @ 7:16 AM

...	Wednesday, January 10, 2007

i realize the reason why i've been feeling so awful these days is because i keep turning to people and expecting to gain comfort from people - when really, sometimes, human contact is just impossible and disappointing. i've been looking to the wrong things. right now the only source of comfort i have is from my God, my rock.

+ posted by M @ 10:45 PM

...	Wednesday, January 03, 2007

back in chicago. miss all of you, and especially miss you.

+ posted by M @ 1:19 PM