more than one person has asked me lately, 'are you sure you really want to go away?'

out of concern, i guess. these are the people who know me more intimately. when i say, 'yes, it's really something i have to do', no one is really convinced. they try to talk me out of it, citing tons of reasons.

i have thought carefully about it. the loneliness, the homesickness, etc. i'm not in denial here. i know that i most probably WILL be lonely. i WILL be homesick. i CAN picture myself going through one of my depressed periods where i just want to hibernate for a few months. i'm not naive, i know there's a possibility i could end up with zero-friends, zero-people i can turn to. i know some people do this, but i don't - fantasize about going there and meeting version 2.0s of all my friends here or finding some foreign blonde boyfriend immediately (for the record, i don't even like blondes). i have thought of all the worst possible things that can happen, because, well ain't i just little miss optimistic? but loneliness is something people deal with everywhere, wherever they may be. it's not a strong enough reason to make me stay. i've been throwing myself into a whole bunch of random gigs this year to prepare myself in some small way for the world out there. relationships and friendships in the working world are transient - people walk in and out the door faster than you can say 'bye'.

everyone says, 'you're going to miss your family. you're going to truly start appreciating the way things used to be. you're going to start appreciating singapore' and so on. i don't need anymore lectures. i know i'm going to miss things, i'm going to regret some things, etc etc. but i have to go there myself to find out - no point telling me about it because Conrad's right - we live as we dream, alone. i've got to experience this for myself. and if it means buying cans of mace and pepper spray, i guess that's what i'll have to do.

my strongest reason for going away isn't because i hate this place. i don't hate singapore. i might grumble about the weather, the government, the people. but at the end of the day - i love the food and i love the idiosyncracies of this country. i might not be able to call it 'home' convincingly like they do on national day, but i know this place does mean something to me. the late night stingray suppers, one-dollar ice creams, getting from antique little india to the city in less than half an hour, not having to ever worry about winterwear. i'm not leaving because i want to run away from my family, either. i'm happy with them, despite our conflicts and squabbles.

as i've so often said before (and i really, really honest-to-God mean this) i'm leaving for a better education which i know i definitely will not be able to get here.

i realize i still feel the same way, even though it's been tough as hell in chicago and i might not be going back, but going somewhere else. yes, a lot of things have been happening in my life such that people i have not seen for a while might be confused. but rest assured that everything i'm doing now has come about careful thought and under certain circumstances - things which aly understands the best out of everyone else, i think (because she knows more about my life and what happened in chicago). so to update everyone:

i'm going to london, possibly. i've decided that i want to graduate from an art school and so i'm applying to central st martins (foundation first). i'm currently extremely busy compiling my portfolio and i still might not get in because it's pretty late in the year (though they accept international applications all year round). i feel extremely apprehensive, but things are getting clearer with each day ... and maybe this is really what i'm supposed to be doing. this means i'll be giving up studying literature for good (CSM offers theatre, fine arts and film ... i would ideally do all three in the interdisciplinary degree) and i'm not sure if i'm ready to do that, but i honestly believe i do not have to do a lit degree in order to enjoy reading.

i've still got a place in chicago and i will probably hold in to it until after foundation (so i can go back if i decide to).

there are a lot of parts of myself that i've forgotten, and i want to rediscover them.

+ posted by M @ 5:41 PM