I don't know if I've ever been so excited for Spring. I've always thought of myself as a Fall person.

And I still very much am, I just think I really needed the quarter to come to an end, and the promise of possibilities with a new one. I learned a lot about myself last quarter. I learned that I could master the sewing machine and enjoy it, I learned that I was capable of more things than I gave myself credit for, I learned that people thought more highly of me than I thought they did, I learned that I've grown to become respected and integrated into the small theatre community we have at this school. I've also learned more about what I expect from people and what I should really expect. I've learned that I'm somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to certain things, so much so that it can be annoying (but maybe deep down I've always known that).

Thing is, I don't expect a lot from people on the surface. I'm not one of those people that expects her friends to drive her to the airport all the time, or to help her with physical and material favors like moving boxes, groceries, etc. But I am the kind of person that expects a reply to my invitations or to my friendliness especially when I feel I've really put myself out there. I've come to realize that the friends I've made here are rather unreliable. Example, R. Now this is an example that has been bugging me for the longest time. Just ask Yil and Chal, I swear I would mention it once a day at least and say - why do people not reply me? Do I not deserve replies? Am I just not that important to anyone? I have called him and his girlfriend several times this quarter, I have invited them over for dinner, we have talked about getting together and it has never materialized. Granted, one time was my fault because I fell asleep when I was supposed to go to Nora's for drinks and woke up to 23 missed calls, but that is no comparison to the effort I've put in to make a connection I think.

I don't really take it personally, because I've come to realize this is pretty much how they treat all their friends more or less, and they don't mean anything bad by it ... but I think it's difficult not to have some sort of stability in my relationships with people. In short, all the relationships I have 'cultivated' right now are more or less unstable. Maybe it comes down to the fact that they all smoke too much weed, and I don't. Who knows?

There isn't really a person I can call up at the spur of the moment and talk to about my life because I'm having a bad day. I basically do not talk about myself at all, as Toby has told me, and that is a problem. I am surrounded by slightly self absorbed people who like to talk about themselves and their school and basically don't really listen - rather you know they are just waiting til it's their turn to speak. And I think that was why I felt so especially sad after Chal and Yil left. And then I wanted to be 16 again, in the safe haven of scgs, arms linked with everyone and holding hands and touching and talking.

I guess if you asked me what I did over spring break after they left, I really have no cause to complain. On Friday I had a very productive day. I went to campus to buy a play I needed to read for class, then I went to the costume shop where I altered a pair of my jeans for no cost and pulled some costumes for my upcoming Tesla project. And then I went home, made dinner, and set out on the CTA to go to Lincoln Park to watch a play by myself (this is not an uncommon occurrence. I've watched at least 6-8 plays in chicago by myself so far). The play was something I needed. Our Lady of the Underpass, written by a young Chicago playwright. It was funny, moving and tragic all at the same time. Most of all, this is the kind of theater I've been missing - culture and location specific theater. And you know what? It made me think about going to church again.

I went home, but then proceeded to get persuaded to go to some gay club in Belmont. I ended the night at 3.

Yesterday, I spent the day sleeping and cleaning and then I went to chinatown where I got groceries and had a very good chinese comfort food meal. After which I was kindly given a lift to Sam's apartment in Belmont where we caught up, played word games and I met new people who actually do theater.

I feel like on paper my life sounds fairly interesting, and I always manage to find myself in situations that very much juxtapose what I was doing previously. I.e: Having dinner in chinatown with the Singaporeans - playing fortune origami with a bunch of gay men in a belmont apartment. And a friend went so far as to remark, 'but you have so many friends'. Which maybe I do? It doesn't feel that way.

But still, I'm waiting. I'm still waiting for all these relationships to take root, I'm waiting for some sort of fulfillment, some sort of growth. And I feel like I've been waiting for a long time but I know some people would just say I was being too demanding.

In short, I guess I'm just whining like a 17 year old, 'wah wah people don't care about me like I wish they would'.

And I hate that. I hate it when people angst, I hate it when people wallow, and I think my long-suffering brother has heard enough of my whining these past few weeks. I'm not the kind of person that indulges in self-pity and depression, nor do I want to be.

So with Spring, I resolve to continue to rise past all of this, to continue with my self-discovery and to continue striving for happiness. No matter that I've not got replies or validation from others. I've put myself out there and I've grown from it. And that counts.

I resolved at the start of this year to be happy, and I think I'm getting there.

+ posted by M @ 6:34 AM

Comments:

Hey Mel,
I'm really glad I read this post. It feels like I got a little (more) insight of how you are. I absolutely understand how you feel. And I wish I could give you a hug to make you feel better! Well, I can only offer you a virtual one for now! *hugs. Mel, I think you're a really interesting person. Maybe you don't know, you have an aura of mysteriousness around you; I wish I had more time to access through that aura to get to know you more. I absolutely hear you when you say that people usually talk about themselves and don't usually listen to the other. it's sad but you know, there are always people who will want to listen, if you give them a chance. But of course, it's inevitable at times when the person you thought you trust, you thought you can count on, is more interested in themselves but you. I think everyone is struggling with that. Some struggling more than the other. SIGH. i hate to be cynical about the human condition, but perhaps it's hard to find someone who is truly self-less. maybe it doesn't exist at all? but on the other hand, i do agree with Toby...how do you want people to know about how you're doing when you're not talking about it. yeah, i know it's a contradiction. but i think we have to find a balance somewhere. Anyway, Mel, I think you do have many friends. And I am sure that if you call them to tell them that you are having a bad day, i'm sure they will stop everything they are doing and listen to you in a heartbeat! even if you have "invested" in the wrong person, there are still many people worth your time!
:)
Take care Mel!
Love.

# posted by  phillie-creamie : Sunday, April 26, 2009 9:39:00 AM

 

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