I'm not sure what it is, about being sixteen or seventeen, and how everything you feel is so intense and beautiful and scary at the same time and how it seems like your world will end or begin with one single gesture.
I wish I could feel that way again.
Now my life is just theater, and cutting fabric, and talking to actors about how tight their costumes fit, pinning things, sewing things, sitting on a couch in a room and discussing matters I mostly don't care about anymore, trying to do my work and failing miserably at it, thinking about people and thinking about when I was younger and everything seemed so frightening and new and wonderful.
I want to take a year off, go to Barcelona and sketch cathedrals with charcoal. I want to sell portraits on the street, I've learned what I've always known about myself - that I truly enjoy sketching and that more than that I enjoy sketching portraits. There's something so intimate and vulnerable about creating portraits of people, and I love studying peoples' faces, noticing the way their lips curve when they speak or the colours of their eyes, and people are so expressive without even knowing they are.
I just want to fall in love again, and be complete. I try to think about the last time I felt that way, and it is so painful and so beautiful at the same time. I don't talk about enough, but I'm writing about it so I don't forget. At least I'm trying.

+ posted by M @ 11:24 AM