am actually really rather sad that i missed nj's halloween thing last night. i heard it was great. instead went for mandy's party and got back way after it ended. well, even if i could hit replay i would have still celebrated mandy's day for her. she's really been there for me this year.

everyone keeps talking about how time flies.. and they're right. we're going to be j2s together!

when i was rushing my college application essay the other night; it occurred to me that - i like njc. yes, i actually like it. despite all my whining and complaints and being depressed ... things have worked out quite nicely. so maybe academically i'm still in a rut and no different from the start of the year [can't fulfil my dream of being humans scholar, can't take s paper] but i suppose in life there are far more important things than s papers and scholarships. i can actually say now that i have made new friends. not just people you hang out with in school, but going out together, celebrating each other's birthday's together, having dinners and parties, talking and seeing each other outside of school. new girlfriends too! davina, cheryl, yifang, van, amanda choo. girls whom i can actually relate to in terms of books, shopping, and some more important things. maybe not everything, but most things. and then there's terence and his weirdness and henry just being henry. and the rv gang. and samuel mo. and vin. it's great. we may not have many things in common, but that's okay. i realize that in nj i've met people so different from myself and what i've been used to for the past ten years, and if i'd gone to like, say, AC, i'd never have had that opportunity.

and sure, nj hates its arts fac to death and doesn't give us anything - but who cares, i suppose. we're the arts fac. we're the real deal. we're your only hope for vitality and life. and one day if the nj arts fac disappears, they're going to be missing it. most of the people that got the halloween thingamajig running [apart from council] are from the arts fac. sam sold the scary baked goods, the a03 boys did the tours, drama [meaning with my permission. heh.] provided costumes. heck, the a03 boys did the dance. i think ever since teacher's day they've become mini celebrities, and i feel some strange sense of pride, actually. just last night when bea told us that they brought the house down i was telling mandy, 'those are my friends you know. my classmates. from the ARTS FAC.'

NJARTS FAC! ALL THE WAY!

+ posted by M @ 6:21 PM

...

i know i like to talk about how money isn't important, but today i just had to eat my words. raw.

unwittingly went to town with not enough money and got broke after the pedicure. had only $14 left. $14! as a result did not want to eat, although had not consumed anything yet for the whole day and was rather hungry. ventured into borders looking for huxley's brave new world [lit text for j2] and saw the orange sign 'it's our birthday! so for today 20% off all books, cds. at first, i thought, 'borders is actually having a sale? okay.' and then it clicked. $14. 20% off. $14. 20% off. i think my heart stopped beating for a while. ended up using up what was left in my wallet and still borrowing money even to get that one book, but felt great pain in heart, brain, hand, every part of me ached. greene, yeats, housman, blake, neruda ... 20% off. and CDs! switchfoot, ash, the ataris ... 20% off. o h m y G o d.

sigh. big big sigh. how often does borders do something like that?! am still reeling from the pain:( i'm not a kino person. it's not a comfortable browsing environment. but please inform me of any such sales at kino.

isn't it ironic, don't you think?

ah well. i will enjoy my new book over this weekend since i'm too broke to go out anymore [but if that denim skirt i saw disappears next week, i will just die].

+ posted by M @ 5:49 PM

...	Thursday, October 28, 2004

promo results are back. the promos i spent hours in the library studying for. okay, improvement made from common tests, though still not good enough for 'S' paper. am rather sad about that. am allowed to keep four subs but will likely drop econs which i find disgusting.

we'll see how things turn out. i don't think i am making and leaps and bounds with regards to my enrichment and education.

+ posted by M @ 9:17 PM

...	Friday, October 15, 2004

so during assembly yesterday the councillor reads out the announcements as per usual and asks us to please bring whatever old clothes, books and toys we have for the children in cambodia. and yifang comments, 'so we give them what we don't want, and what does that make them?' strange. i never thought of it that way. and she's right, it really made me think - would you go the extra mile to help someone? when it inconveniences you? when it costs you?

cos, in this world, its a dog eat dog world right? you gotta be lookin out for yourself first right? what if an orphan were to ask you for your favourite toy? would you part with it - what right does she have to ask it of you - right? she just takes what you give her - right?

give out of love, people, not out of convenience.

went to school late today because i crashed right after i got home yesterday and didn't wake till nine. and why? my phone kept going off. i can't stay away from school for a few hours without my phone going off like it's been possessed.

after school was almost faced with the task of collecting tables for the whole ELDDS [english lit debate drama society] and almost freaked out. thankfully by the time i got to the hall, the debaters and college publication people were there doing things. got introduced to the other ELDDS heads. the funny thing about ELDDS people is that the way they speak, the way they act - it's so different. it's weird, but it's an amusing sort of weird and everyone accepts each other's weirdness. 'oh, so this is mel. hi mel.', said two guys i've never spoken to in my life, like they were welcoming a new extended family member.

openday's tomorrow. i'm trying not to stress so much. things will just unfold tomorrow, naturally, and God will look after me. i've baked the cookies and iced them with some help and i don't think i'll be baking for quite some time, folks. baking 200 odd cookies is quite nightmarish. the costumes, are somewhat settled. the makeup, i'm getting help. it's ironic that most of my non-drama friends are the ones helping me the most for tomorrow - getting costumes, make up, stuff. it's okay, no big deal, take a chill pill mel. it made my day when bea told me melvin told her he appreciated me and i managed to revive drama.

that guy has no idea, really. but oh well, gave me the warm fuzzies for a while.

+ posted by M @ 8:37 PM

...	Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of thoseMelodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it

this is so me. so? i'm sorry that i'm such a horrible person. i'm sorry for being who i am, completely, utterly, sorry. i don't want to be me. i don't know how many times i've said this, but i really don't want to be me, living my life, being this person i am. i don't want it.

i just want to get away. i just don't want to exist anymore. i'm so tired of living out this dry, grey existence. what am i living for?

nothing. nothing. nothing.













space.

+ posted by M @ 9:38 PM

...

today i went to the polyclinic with cheryl in the morning. did our thing and went to poon huat to get baking supplies for the drama bakeout on friday.

oh and i don't have to buy that overpriced pearl belt from esprit anymore because i discovered my faux pearl necklace is wonderfully multi-purpose. it can be a bracelet, necklace, belt. i. am. so. pleased.

met bea and dav at poon huat. they came over and i don't know why the girls were so bitchy today. dav and cheryl were really going at it and yif was just trying not to get on dav's nerves. oh sheesh. i sort of sat in the centre of the kitchen amused by their catty antics while bea cooked maggi mee, oblivious to everything else.

am hunting hunting hunting for feasible costumes, hats, wigs in my house. i'm panicking, and i shouldn't be in this alone - why aren't you guys helping me out here?! argh i am really so mad about this whole cca thing. it just sucks. i don't think i could tolerate having a camp with them.

everything is so wrong.

+ posted by M @ 7:16 PM

...	Tuesday, October 12, 2004

oh and one more thing, i'm getting increasingly annoyed with reality television. particularly plastic surgery programmes. people talk about nose jobs and lipo like it's going to save their lives.

well you can mess with your face all you want and put gloppy make up all over it and stick plastic into your bones but at the end of the day, you're just going to look like someone else and you're not going to change inside, at all.

i know it's cliche, but beauty really comes from the inside, and no matter how superficially gorgeous you may look in the end - that fact that you wish to destroy what God made for you tells me that all you're looking for is a quick fix [that doesn't even work], and that, you're so damn weak. the ugliness of someone's soul really does shine through, trust me on this one. to be beautiful .. it starts from your heart.

+ posted by M @ 5:37 PM

...

i could just screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. a scream the colour of blood red that will shred my throat to pieces.

i hate my school life. hate it. my life does not revolve around school, you know. i want a life of my own, and.. NJC DRAMA IS SCREWED UP. i hate cursing at something i like, but really, even as vice pres, i admit and i recognize how bloody messed up drama is. we can't even galvanize ourselves for this one day of openday, no one cooperates, i have to source for all your costumes, i have to bake the souvenirs, i have to press for meetings. you want an end year camp? you want to have a drama feste next year? with this kind of attitude and reactions from the members it ain't happenin', honey. so if you all want it - WORK FOR IT DAMN IT. how bad do you want it? obviously not bad enough. is drama your priority? obviously it isn't. exco please do your job, because i'm going to die soon. and the drama thing for halloween? much as i would like to help council so i can alleviate some of bea's complaints, i don't think we're capable. maybe it's just me. maybe i'm a damn sucky vice pres who can't get anything done and who can't get people to do their jobs properly. i think it's me. i don't have it in me. i'm just an incapable sodding idiot. sigh.

"for crying out loud" she screamed unto me
a free for all
f**k 'em all
"you are your own sight"

this song helps. was listening to it in the canteen, trying to vent my frustrations and davina kept singing the above lines VERY LOUDLY. she sang them for me - i refuse to swear even under any given circumstances.

terence, cheryl, dav gave me green dangly earrings today. now i finally have a pair of dangly earrings. and they're green! they shopped for it when we went out and i drifted into hmv with bea. i felt happy for a while.

+ posted by M @ 4:13 PM

...	Sunday, October 10, 2004

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This Year's Love - David Gray

i really like this song. yesterday i took my SATs. yesterday i went shopping. yesterday i took a neoprint with mandy and bea for the first time. yesterday i watched wimbledon. yesterday i got back at midnight. yesterday i still couldn't sleep after i got back because i had coffee for dinner. yesterday i drank coffee for the second time - and this time by choice, not so i could stay up to study history.

i have't shopped enough. shopping has become an obsession now that the exams are over.

+ posted by M @ 3:30 PM

...	Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Janet Waking by John Crowe Ransom

Beautifully Janet slept
Till it was deeply morning. She woke then
And thought about her dainty-feathered hen,
To see how it had kept.

One kiss she gave to her mother.
Only a small one gave she to her daddy
Who would have kissed each curl of his shining baby;
No kiss at all for her brother.

"Old Chucky, old Chucky!" she cried,
Running across the world upon the grass
To Chucky's house, and listening. But alas,
Her Chucky had died.

It was a transmogrifying bee
Came droning down on Chucky's old bald head
And sat and put the poison. It scarely bled,
But how exceedingly

And purply did the knot
Swell with the venom and communicate
It's rigor! Now the poor comb stood up straight
But Chucky did not.

So there was Janet
Kneeling on the wet grass, crying her brown hen
(Translated far beyond the daughters of men)
To rise and walk upon it.

And weeping fast as she had breath
Janet implored us, "Wake her from her sleep!"
And would not be instructed in how deep
Was the forgetful kingdom of death.

the poem that came out for our lit 8 paper. go figure.

+ posted by M @ 9:59 PM

...	Monday, October 04, 2004

pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain p a i n p a i n p a i n p a i n p a i n p a i n p a i n p a i n p a i n

pain.

i'm having a bad day. why am i all

a l o n e.

:(

sigh.

+ posted by M @ 6:34 PM