and after a while, we'll get over the pain, simply because we have to.

but for now, everything seems to have an eternal effect. i dread going to school next week, and having to hide myself again and deal with the complications. the best way is to sit there, and just be there, but i don't know if they even want me to be there for them? perhaps they prefer to be alone? perhaps they long for someone else's comfort?

it's so hard to figure people out.

+ posted by M @ 11:48 AM

...	Sunday, February 22, 2004

living, no longer. i've become rather dead. DEAD. i'm DEAD. not alive. get it?

its scary, how i can drift from day to day, and when i seriously think about it, have no want to REALLY live. everyday i'm caught up in complications, adjustments, insecurity, paranoia, superficial jokes and meaningless laughter - and then the whole thing about work, pretending you are listening to your econs teacher, trying to understand math, surviving Phys ed. it's all so over-whelming i haven't had time to think. and when it all fades away, i realize just how unhappy i really am even though i've been thinking things were improving.

they're not. when i get the time and wonder, 'what am i living for?' i realize i am not scared to just drop dead. as long as i go peacefully, silently, i don't mind. do i sound crazy to you? there may be things i want to do, things i want to say, things i want to see - but if i drop dead, then well, i'm dead, and all the longing stops, so what does it matter? i don't know! oh God i'm so very confused right now i have no idea what to think.

honestly, that's how i've been feeling. there's no fighting to live anymore. it's a sordid sort of acceptance. and perhaps, unhappiness? my life must really suck if i don't care about it - right? and yet it isn't that bad. i mean, i've got God, i've got my family, i've got friends [i think] so why do i feel this way? and i know i won't even do anything suicidal or detrimental to myself because i won't, but yet, i just don't feel good. not that i don't want to live; i just don't mind if i don't.

what the heck is wrong with me.

+ posted by M @ 3:32 PM

...

she's got a pretty smile
it covers up the poison that she hides
she walks around in circles in my head
waiting for a chance to break me
chance to take me down
now I see this burden you gave me
is too much to carry
too much to bury inside

I guess you're the only one
that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one
left standing when everything else goes down

you're still the only one,
you're still the only one

it's so shallow and all so appealing
I'm up to my ankles and I'm drowning anyway
in a sea of sarcastic faces
familiar places
everything looks quite the same here
it's all confusingly amusing
bitter and tainted the picture you painted to me

I guess you're the only one
that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one
left standing when everything else goes down

you're still the only one
who will never change faces
I guess you're the only one
left standing when everything else goes down

just 'cause it's all in your head
doesn't mean it has to be in mine
don't believe what you said
still can't get it out of my mind
I've tried to find myself in approval
I've already been there already done that
it got me nowhere it brought me nothing
but a good place to hide in
no one to confide in now

I guess you're the only one
that nobody changes I guess
guess you're the only one
who will never change faces
I guess you're the only one

only one - lifehouse.

well what's new. confused, depressed and tired.

+ posted by M @ 2:08 PM

...	Sunday, February 15, 2004

valentines day is disgusting commercial nonsense.

there i've said my part. am frankly not very happy about v-day and the severe lack of roses. deep red, long stemmed and with thorns, please. well on to other things. i'm back, just for a while. this is what's been happening in my life:

slacking during cross country, heck slacking EVERYDAY, liking njc better, considering actually staying in njc [provided friends stay], have made new friends somewhat, sits next to the cat high model, thinking that lit teacher is damn bloody cool [benzie dio who won the 24 hr playwriting competition], God i can't get over how cool he is, i haven't forgotten about subtext or anything else but i've been neglecting things, still hate the nj uniform though, thinking less and less of transferring.

anyway, life is improving at school, but everything else - has stagnated. i think i've run away far too much.

+ posted by M @ 9:12 PM

...	Sunday, February 08, 2004

i'm quite upset with myself. i haven't been in the mood for anything at all. be it answering emails, blogging, reading - i've generally been more engaged in spacing out and trying to figure out a way to make things fit.

my brother has been leaving poetry around the house - war poetry since his school is covering it now. i'm finding it quite comforting to walk around and be able to pick up a piece of wilfred owen or graves. frankly i think i'm going through some personal conflict now, but i can't seem to be able to sit myself down and work through it. there are so many things i believe in, and then there are so many things i believe in which work against what i thought i believed in. does that make sense? i think things aren't going very well.

and then of course the lack of communication with whoever, whatever, whenever, wherever. yet when i actually get to see people, we talk about nothing but daily happenings which essentially fade away and are insignificantly amusing.

i need to get down to thinking. meanwhile, i may not be blogging so often; at least it feels that way for now. try not to forget me if you can.

+ posted by M @ 3:21 PM

...	Wednesday, February 04, 2004

so i was talking to shawn from GP class today about soccer. yes, local soccer which i know nothing about. he stood in front of the class for half an hour as our GP teacher talked to him about the practicality of singaporeans being pushed out by foreign talent and the infiltration of people from malaysia, belgium, germany and God knows where else [frankly i don't quite know, i'm just guessing from the sounds of the footballer's names].

and when he got back to our group table he had my opinions pushed upon him. why do we employ foreign talent for sports? because people here simply can't fulfil such roles as good soccer players. and why? well, how many parents actually encourage their children to become professional footballers? but then you know honestly my knowledge of these things is so poor that i'm just formulating my own theories. i asked shawn why he didn't join soccer and he said he couldn't commit the time but he still had a dream of going professional. and i asked him [well, more like demanded of him], 'if you can't even commit to a school soccer cca, how are you going to go professional?!'

and he told me it was because he had to choose between soccer training on sundays and his church. he picked God. that knowledge of someone sacrificing something he loves so much for God - well, let's just say this stayed with me the whole day and i'm still thinking about it.

+ posted by M @ 9:21 PM

...	Tuesday, February 03, 2004

wah lao, chao muggerrrrrr.

please forgive the crass introductory line; seeing as i am in NJ now i have become more accustomed to the lingo and i find that line apt for describing my surroundings. honestly, can you all stop doing your work? stop it, now! you're STRESSING ME OUT. or at least slow down.

on the other hand, i must stop being so lazy and stupid. oh, and just about half of my allowance seems to go towards class fund, what it is being used for i have no idea. and seeing as my parents have stopped giving me allowance because they assume i am willing to use my red packet money - well, its just plain unfair.

i have the flu, again, worse than before. i can feel my brain being clogged up with sinus and this prevents me from doing my economics essay outline and typing up proper entries.

+ posted by M @ 9:33 PM