i think the english translation just doesn't cut it.

a number of things make me think that some hurts are forever. there are some things people have said which they can never take back, even though you wish they could. even passing statements can hurt in the deepest way. and sometimes, they really don't mean it; but the damage is done. if you care, why don't you just say it? don't say something and then try to say you didn't mean it at all.

it really makes me wonder, doubt and question. there are just some people i don't want to talk to ever again because it hurts too much to do so.

+ posted by M @ 6:50 PM

...	Tuesday, March 30, 2004

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天
睡着的大提琴 安静的旧旧的
there's only the piano to keep me company
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得
i think you've made your stance very clear
i know u have nothing u can't let go of
你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我 也只是曾经
i dont believe that you're sad
you keeping me company, is a thing of the past
希望他是真的比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开
i hope he loves you more than i do
then i'll force myself to leave
你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
how much do you want to see me suffer, i really dont wish to leave
why do i still have to put on a smile
我没有这种天份 包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过
i dont have the ability - to tolerate you and accept him
dont worry about me, i will get on well
你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
you're already long gone, i will slowly leave
why do i have to give in to you even though we're separate
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你 是因为我太爱你
i cannot let go so fast
i will learn to give you up, only because i love you too much

the translation is rather poor because it is direct. i did not translate it myself of course, my friend explained line by line to me. if i were in a better mood i would laugh at myself for posting a chinese song on my blog, but seeing as i am now very saddened by this song - i don't find it funny at all.

+ posted by M @ 10:36 PM

...

i am listening to an jing by jay chou.

yes. i am listening to a chinese song. i ventured into my brother's shared folders and found all these jay chou songs. honestly, i don't even know whether i am right about the meaning of 'an jing' in this song. does it mean silence? i feel very embarrassed not to know, but i'd like to know. i don't understand half the song, but i can sense the pain in it. it just seeps through the ivory keys of the piano and into my very being. i want to cry from listening to this song i don't even understand.

oh God. what is wrong with me

i don't mean to act all angsty depressed kid that i am - but it's just an empty feeling i've been dealing with all these days. i realize i not only spend my whole life waiting, i also spend my whole life missing things. it is this rut i'm stuck in; this inability to keep moving on. and at the same time i hate myself for feeling so dispassionate about everything nowadays and not motivating myself in any way at all.

i have neglected so many things that are important in my life. i have been spending too much time thinking of ways to make things fit when i haven't been doing anything at all on my part. and maybe its because i'm reluctant to settle in. am i? to face up to things. i have to realize things are permanent. at least that's how it seems - that i'm going to carry on living. so i have to live for now, and not just think about how everything will be meaningless in the end. this is not temporary.

this is it. i'm not going to die yet. i should make the most of what i have now. but i just don't feel that fire in me anymore. it's slowly burnt out and i don't know how i'm going to revive it. i think going to njc has totally changed my life, my outlook of things - there isn't this fighting spirit anymore. it's just like i have adapted to this greyness, and fine that's it. laugh at the irony and stupid system of the school but accept it all the same. that's what i do. i feel like going to njc is the biggest mistake of my life because it seems to have killed who i am.

don't get me wrong. njc is fine, everything is fine in school - it's just that when i really think about it and get straight down to the core of how i feel, i realize i'm not happy here. that this place isn't for me, and i don't want to suit myself to it because it clashes with everything that i believe in and stand for. it is just plain wrong to me.

but how can i attribute this all to a school? it is my attitude! isn't it? no matter how tempting it is to conform and settle in this indifferent niche i've carved out for myself - i must not. i must remember who i am, and bring it out. how do i do this when i feel so badly about myself?

i need therapy. i need to talk it out. i'm confused.

+ posted by M @ 9:58 PM

...	Saturday, March 27, 2004

it feels like i haven't been here in ages.

sometimes i wonder if i could ever go back to the way things were. that sounded really cliche, but as i've learnt, cliches are necessary in this world. but do i want to go back? there is no looking back; ever.

this morning, jasmine called me. i picked up the phone with apprehension, not knowing what to expect. on the other end, she sounded so positive, and happy and comfortable, like everything was going fine. i miss having people talk that way. i miss feeling that way. is it real? is anything real?

arg. what kind of entry is this turning into. i feel pathetic.

i have been going out so much that one saturday at home just makes me feel so weird. i hate being grounded. it feels like things are back to the old days of conflicts with parents again. what am i saying, what am i saying. useless thoughts and distractions consume my very being.

i don't want to be like this anymore.

+ posted by M @ 10:00 PM

...	Saturday, March 20, 2004

i have to admit finally that i have totally and completely lost control of situations in life and that i have, to put it quite simply, screwed up.

+ posted by M @ 1:51 PM