merry christmas to all! 

+ posted by M @ 4:06 PM

...

am leaving tonight, midnight.

first to zurich, then to geneva. i'll be in switzerland for about six days? i'm not sure of the plans. and then to rome for christmas and i'll be back on the morn of 31st dec. new years' eve! won't be spending nye on the plane after all :)

well. i am contactable overseas. i have auto-roam. and i'll be roaming in rome. hee. you may send me smses since it costs you local fare. take note of these sms etiquettes:

1. sudden confessions of love, urges to tell me how great i am and how much i am loved are welcome.
2. you SHOULD send me smses on christmas day.
3. DO NOT sms me things such as these, 'MEL! help! have you done your math homework?!', 'Mel did you know that Ms/Mr So-and-so gave us homework?', 'MEL school is STARTING', 'Mel i saw colin firth/jay chou in orchard road. Too bad you're not here!'
4. dear friends who wish to spend NYE with me please let me know. i'll be glad to arrange something with you even if it costs me:)
5. also. my mms and gprs now works. HEE.
6. you may ask how my day went. i can tell you about the sistine chapel and the vatican city and JULIUS CAESAR!
7. do tell me if you want anything. i'll be doing christmas shopping there for you lot.

will miss all of you dearly.

Merry Christmas.

p.s: if you want to send me christmas cards, DO SO! i'd be happy to read them when i get back :D

okay enough thick skinned-ness for now.

+ posted by M @ 3:29 PM

...	Wednesday, December 15, 2004

love actually is all around.  

+ posted by M @ 8:51 PM

...	Tuesday, December 14, 2004

i feel very stretched these holidays. boxing class, math class, SATs and the endless list of people i must meet with. and ironically, i've met up with most, apart from the ones i thought i should definitely see this holiday - THE GANG. we haven't met up at all this holiday. it's ... disappointing. i don't know. partly my fault too i guess. i feel like i've really disappointed charm by not showing up for her bazaar thing on saturday. and the thing is that i've found the person i was the least close to in the group [yilin] is the one who really actually bothers and i able to make time to go out but because a whole bunch of people are always not free we've not been able to go out once. and i haven't seen chalene. and i haven't seen gayle. and oh i miss my bea. i miss my bea :( feels so weird not seeing bea for so long when we'd talk everyday in school.

well i'll be leaving this friday, not much time for nostalgic outings seeing as i'll only get back jan 1st. i'm going to put up a tangible wishlist just for the heck of it because i realized i didn't have one when jeremy asked for mine.

top ten tangible things for christmas:

1. white design casing for my nokia 7610 [which i got today and i feel so ripped off and i am not going to mention the events leading to my purchase of that phone anymore because it strikes an immense chord of guilt in me].
2. 100 Immortal Poems [poetry anthology]
3. to win that car from the countless lucky draw coupons i submitted after getting my phone so that i can sell it and pay my parents back and maybe i'll feel less guilty.
4. a fake murakami LV. i'm not even asking for a real one.
5. nice pearl drop earrings.
6. Little Bride dvd series. [it's a korean show i'm addicted to]
7. A Walk To Remember soundtrack
8. Jay Chou's autobiography/Jay Chou's Qi Li Xiang/Nice BIG Jay Chou poster
9. A set of charcoals/oil paints/water colours/paintbrushes
10. a book of Pablo Neruda's poems, any collection will do, i like them all.

of course the desire for the intangibles is a whole lot more stronger.

love, peace, joy, happiness, truth. lots of it. the spirit of Christmas!

(and for drama to become a successful CCA)

My Redeemer Lives!

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me you might have peace. In this world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

JOHN 16:33

+ posted by M @ 11:37 PM

...	Monday, December 13, 2004

light at the end of the tunnel of darkness. taken from the side of the road when i was all alone at night.  

+ posted by M @ 8:50 PM

...

more patchwork. disclaimer: these wonderful patchworks are not done by me 

+ posted by M @ 8:47 PM

...

patchwork.  

+ posted by M @ 8:43 PM

...

she stands fair and proud. scgs.  

+ posted by M @ 8:42 PM

...

poetry. 

+ posted by M @ 8:42 PM

...

check this one out too.  

+ posted by M @ 8:41 PM

...

good stuff. check this poet out when you have the time.  

+ posted by M @ 8:41 PM

...

arty shot of faith.  

+ posted by M @ 8:40 PM

...

(first three months) huilin playing with my hair AGAIN. stephen took this.  

+ posted by M @ 8:39 PM

...

more fun times. 

+ posted by M @ 8:38 PM

...

cracks.  

+ posted by M @ 8:37 PM

...

the fruits of love.  

+ posted by M @ 8:37 PM

...

fun times in school. 

+ posted by M @ 8:36 PM

...

destination : eternity. 

+ posted by M @ 8:36 PM

...

cutie pie.  

+ posted by M @ 8:34 PM

...	Sunday, December 12, 2004

what goes up must come down. so much for happy christmas mood. the events today have forced me to reassess my relationships with many a person and i have discovered many cracks which cannot be ignored.

well i've learnt many things from my cip experience at the childcare centre. which maybe i'll be in the mood to talk about next time.

i'll leave you with this, which i liked very much. but oh, i seem to fall for poets so easily.


To Earthward by Robert Frost

Love at the lips was touch
As sweet as I could bear;
And once that seemed too much;
I lived on air

That crossed me from sweet things,
The flow of- was it musk
From hidden grapevine springs
Down hill at dusk?

I had the swirl and ache
From sprays of honeysuckle
That when they're gathered shake
Dew on the knuckle.

I craved strong sweets, but those
Seemed strong when I was young;
The petal of the rose
It was that stung.

Now no joy but lacks salt
That is not dashed with pain
And weariness and fault;
I crave the stain

Of tears, the aftermark
Of almost too much love,
The sweet of bitter bark
And burning clove.

When stiff and sore and scarred
I take away my hand
From leaning on it hard
In grass and sand,

The hurt is not enough:
I long for weight and strength
To feel the earth as rough
To all my length.

+ posted by M @ 9:35 PM

...	Saturday, December 11, 2004

am in happy christmassy mood. happppppyyy christmassy mood. like jeremy says, am displaying my ^______________________^ self.

been spending the afternoon downloading christmas songs and singing along to them and being happy!

it all started last night. henry asked which movie i preferred best and i said i wanted to watch a christmas movie. so he bought tickets for Christmas With The Kranks without consulting the others. terence came, flipped out at the sound of such a movie and grumbled about the setbacks of watching movies with girls. in the cinema, kept telling me he was going to sleep. WELL. lookey seeee ... excerpt taken from terry's blog:

Initially was not that enthusiastic about watching that movie, since it did look like a typical feel-good Xmas holiday movie. But at the end of the show, I was glad I did watch it after all. Really envious at the Xmas spirit shown by the neighbours of the Kranks, and how they were able to put aside all differences and disputes to help the Kranks in the end. A movie to watch if you want to feel-good.

ha. the christmas spirit is infectious! after that at my suggestion we decided to walk to tanglin mall to see the nice christmas decorations and take in the sights and sounds as we walked past. too bad none of us had a camera when we finally reached tanglin mall. in the end used our hands to 'make a camera' and posed in front of our 'self-made cameras'. hee.

oh, be happy and have yourself a merry little christmas.

+ posted by M @ 6:01 PM

...

i shall quote Pope. i would like to quote Frost, Plath [who once wisely wrote, 'It is sad to be able only to mouth other poets. I want someone to mouth me.'] , Dickinson and Shakespeare all at once but i fear confusion. i have lost my own voice, and need them to lend me theirs. i have much to say, but no heart to say it at present.

EPISTLE TO MRS TERESA BLOUNT* (on her leaving the town after the coronation)

As some fond Virgin, whom her mother's care
Drags from the Town to wholesome Country air,
Just when she learns to roll a melting eye,
And hear a spark, yet think no danger nigh;
From the dear man unwilling she must sever,
Yet takes one kiss before she parts for ever;
Thus from the world fair Zephalinda flew,
Saw others happy, and with sighs withdrew;
Not that their pleasures caus'd her discontent,
She sigh'd not that they stay'd, but that she went.

She went to plain-work, and to purling brooks,
Old fashion'd halls, dull Aunts, and croaking rooks:
She went from Op'ra, Park, Assembly, Play,
To morning-walks, and pray'rs three hours a-day;
To part her time 'twixt reading and bohea,
To muse, and spill her solitary tea,
Or o'er cold coffee trifle with the spoon,
Count the slow clock, and dine exact at noon:
Divert her eyes with pictures in the fire,
Hum half a tune, tell stories to the squire;
Up to her godly garret after sev'n,
There starve and pray, for that's the way to heav'n.

Some Squire, perhaps, you take delight to rack;
Whose name is Whisk, whose treat a toast in sack;
Who visits with a Gun, presents you birds,
Then gives a smacking buss, and cries, - No words!
Or with his hound comes hallooing from the stable,
Makes love with nods, and knees beneath the table;
Whose laughs are hearty, tho' his jests are coarse,
And loves you best of all things - but his horse.

In some fair ev'ning, on your elbow laid,
You dream of Triumphs in the rural shade;
In pensive thought recall the fancy'd scene,
See Coronations rise on ev'ry green;
Before you pass th' imaginary sights
Of Lords, and Earls, and Dukes, and garter'd Knights,
While the spread fan o'ershades your closing eyes;
Then give one flirt, and all the vision flies.
Thus vanish sceptres, coronets, and balls,
And leave you in lone woods, or empty walls!

So when your Slave, at some dear idle time,
(Not plagu'd with head-achs, or the want of rhyme)
Stands in the streets, abstracted from the crew,
And while he seems to study, thinks of you;
Just when his fancy paints your sprightly eyes,
Or sees the blush of soft Parthenia rise,
Gay** pats my shoulder, and you vanish quite,
Streets, Chairs, and Coxcombs rush upon my sight;
Vex'd to be still in town, I knit my brow,
Look sour and hum a Tune, as you do now

*This poem was addressed to Teresa Blount, a lifelong and intimate friend of Pope's.
**John Gay; poet and a friend of Pope's.

+ posted by M @ 1:00 PM

...

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

Eloisa to Abelard - Alexander Pope

i guess you don't know me as well as i thought you did.

+ posted by M @ 1:24 AM

...	Thursday, December 09, 2004

up or down from the infinite C E N T E R
B R I M M I N G at the winking rim of time

the voice in my head said

LOVE IS THE DISTANCE
BETWEEN YOU AND WHAT YOU LOVE

WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE
*

then I saw the parade of my loves

those PERFORMERS comics actors singers

forgetful of my very self so often I
desired to die to myself to live in them

then my PARENTS my FRIENDS the drained
SPECTRES once filled with my baffled infatuations

love and guilt and fury and
sweetness for whom

nail spirit yearning to the earth
*

then the voice in my head said

WHETHER YOU LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE

OR LIVE IN DIVIDED CEASELESS
REVOLT AGAINST IT

WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE

guilty of dust - frank bidart

love? what of it?

+ posted by M @ 8:05 PM

...	Monday, December 06, 2004

something i've always thought about: what's heaven like?

i believe there is a heaven and that i will get there - but what is it? from a superficial point of view, heaven is a place where kids have all the sweets they want, never get nagged by their parents, don't have anymore homework, places like njc do not exist and one doesn't ever feel heartbreak. everyone is laughing and merry and not one person sheds a tear. of course heaven is also centred around God and thus there will be services and praise and worship many a time.

a sort of utopia. perhaps too similar to the utopias displayed in much literature. similar in the idea only, that no one is ever upset and because no one really has any committment to another persons feelings - no one just means that much to anyone anymore and thus no one is able to upset another person.

so are people able to make each other happy anymore? is everyone really perfect then? then all we can do is love one another - but even in love there are rough times.

and will we have any desires? none. our only desire is to worship God in heaven, isn't it? because we are perfect, and that is what our desire should be as of now. so why is it that in the bible it is always written that the poor shall have a feast in heaven - will they still have material desires in heaven? i think not. so what is it about all this feasting and images of getting whatever you want?

because i think in heaven one has no more wants. one is completely at peace, one attains that level of enlightenment [at the risk of sounding corny], so one doesn't want anything anymore! one desires nothing! one wants nothing! and thus how can one have a passion for something, such as literature, if one does not desire any more books? how can one love someone so if one has no desire for that person?

that's why my image of heaven is always one of blandness and of feelingless people. sure everyone is happy and on a permanent sugar high on heaven - but at the same time that's what is so beautiful about this world that we're living in ... there's sadness to balance joy, there's wistfulness, there's poignancy. complex and beautiful human emotions. and if in heaven there's none of that, then, what a lifeless, saccharine place!

but heaven is not supposed to be humanly anyway. we're all supposed to be perfect and centred on God, so why should i think of all this desire for something else ... sigh. as usual i'm confusing myself, but i've thought about this too many times.

my conclusion is that when one gets there, no one desires anything anymore but God. and God is love, so one does not desire love from everyone else. i suppose. because in heaven i don't think anyone recalls their life on earth do they? yes i don't think so. because life on earth is so dastardly according to the bible. because life on earth is a punishment according to the bible. and thus i think all memories of earthly life would be erased once one reaches heaven. i know that i've been taught God is more than enough to fill anyone's needs, and i believe it, but i am unable to apply it at present. because i find myself very much like Joel in the movie Eternal Sunshine, pleading, 'let me keep this memory, please.'

sigh. i can't feel the christmas magic this year. where has it gone?

+ posted by M @ 11:53 AM

...	Sunday, December 05, 2004

watching tvb serials has taught me something. am currently watching 'a threshold of an era', which is actually very old show. when it comes to relationships, the one you love first will always almost never love you back and instead will love your best friend who will illtreat her only to realize after a while he actually loves her.

gallen lo's character ye rong tian is complete jerk. the pretty kenix kwok plays yin hsin who is this girl who loves him for some inane reason and does everything in her power to help his up and coming business - which includes buying tools with her own money and lugging heavy boxes around. and also cooking large pots of soup for the construction workers everyday. all he does is show her a black face and scream at her even though she is clearly not getting paid for her labour. i guess if you love someone you love them even though they scream at you and don't acknowledge your feelings. i think i quite understand her predicament, but seriously one wonders ...

the angela has left singapore. sigh. it didn't really hit home till we were at the departure gates and she refused to go in and kept hugging us like there was no tomorrow and screaming 'i don't wanna go!'. she is probably on the plane staring at the pretty photo frame sherm and i made for her and crying her eyes out. today was i think the most emotionally draining departure i've had to deal with. kai and nat didn't do such things when i went to see them off. but it's angela.

oh angela, i'm missing you already, hope you get internet soon so we can be in contact.

+ posted by M @ 11:42 PM

...	Friday, December 03, 2004

i have a hard time facing up to reality.

+ posted by M @ 7:49 PM

...	Wednesday, December 01, 2004

watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. is wonderful movie. am trying to watch as many good movies as i missed out on over the year these holidays because most friends are unwilling to watch good movies with me and would rather watch the likes of horror shows and waste-of-money films [aka taxi]. kate winslet is particularly wonderful in the movie. my last impression of her was in titanic and i didn't like it very much.

also plan to work around The Godfather series after watching the first one. The Godfather is a great film, and brilliant acting.

sigh. no one wants to watch bridget with me especially after such scathing reviews. but i cannot stand it, i cannot watch the first and not watch the second, and hence, have asked my mom to watch with me. though that may prove difficult because she may not have the time.

i especially liked the part in Eternal Sunshine where Clementine made Joel break into a house with her and he got panicky and ran away - and when they were erasing the memory all he could say was, 'i wish i'd stayed. i wish i'd stayed'. there's so much to talk about, but i'll let you watch it for yourself instead.

+ posted by M @ 1:53 PM