I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.

and no walls between us

+ posted by M @ 8:32 PM

...	Wednesday, January 25, 2006

outdated work post

SO, batam was amazing!

and i don't mean that in a sleazy way. we steered clear of the sleaze, obviously, and visited the kampongs and farmlands looking for shooting locations. it is just wonderful seeing these kampongs. i won't romanticise it because i know there is nothing beautiful about poverty. it's the simplicity of things there that really grabs you.

the children, for one. there are so many of them just running about and laughing and playing, unbothered or overprotected by their parents or constantly watched by a maid. and when they see you they're just brimming with excitement and enthusiasm, so unlike the sullen kids i have met in singapore who glare at you or ignore you. they're just incredible, so full of spirit and life. the people there just seem so content and happy to live the way they do, cooking their food slowly over woodfire and having chickens strut all over the place.

it makes me sad to think that in a few years time places like that will be gone because the people living there will possibly be evicted due to land development and things like that.

well, other than batam, something happened yesterday that made quite an impression on me. an old lady called up the office and i picked up and she talked on and on about how she heard eric's last film was about loneliness and despair and after she heard that she felt like she should call him and talk to him. she said that she was a senior citizen and so many senior citizens experienced the plight of neglection and loneliness. and it made me feel so sad that the extent to which these senior citizens experienced loneliness drove them to actually call up eric with the blind and small hope that he could do something, anything to help them raise awareness about the pains they experienced. well, eric is really a most interesting person to work under and he has agreed to meet her (though he's always so exuberant i really don't know whether to take him seriously sometimes!). the people that surround me are generally very nice and interesting in their own way.

loneliness, loneliness. royston's film 4:30 is also about loneliness and it is most most most depressing. people will always feel this desperation for companionship (even illusory) when they are left all alone, and i understand that better than i wish to.

i have recently finished reading EM Forster's Room With A View and it is a delightful novel! romantic, intelligent and .. well.. sparkling! how else can i describe it but 'sparkly'. it's really wonderful the things Forster says and implies and we can go on reading him indefinitely (as paraphrased from The Times!). also i'm afraid i probably will miss Alfian's (and some others?) 300 unmarried men play because it doesn't really look all that interesting and i'm going to watch Educating Rita next week! on top of Franz Ferdinand and Westside Story and Disney on Ice. so really i'm already promised to spend lots of money on other shows.

'Then make my boy think like us. Make him realize that by the side of the everlasting Why there is a Yes - a transitory Yes if you like, but a Yes'

+ posted by M @ 10:46 PM

...	Monday, January 23, 2006

today was incredible, in many more ways than one (and a very strange day it was for me, aiyiyi). i'm sorry my entries have been so pathetic and nondescript but when i'm less tired or something i will really try to write up something nice.

+ posted by M @ 10:49 PM

...	Friday, January 20, 2006

it's only been a week, but i think work has been great and very exciting.

+ posted by M @ 9:40 PM

...	Tuesday, January 17, 2006

so i have given away all my manga, practically. i always knew i was flat out crazy.

work has started. you can ask me about it. i will not write about it here because i don't want to sound like a groupie on my blog. really.

+ posted by M @ 12:14 AM

...	Saturday, January 14, 2006

you know something, i miss going to school (which is different from missing school).

i really enjoyed literature lessons and learning about things and discussing issues in gp class. even history, i do miss. math i don't miss at all of course. but i really miss having literature lessons and just becoming enriched with what whitby is helping us see in a poem or what ideas ms champagne is discussing or the discussions we're having during gp class. the opportunity to air my views. yes, i miss talking about all these things. nowadays i feel so frustrated like i'm going to burst because i lack an outlet with which to discuss STUFF - i want to know so much more about certain things and hear about them from other people who know about them and just have a good intellectual discussion. but i can't! instead i am just reduced to slush which is awfully frustrating. i really wish i could go back and teach and maybe try and move my brains a bit by doing that but instead i'm starting my job next week. i hope it will enriching and interesting.

i can't wait for university! i'm bursting with the need to learn and know about things! comparative literature, the morality of art, love in art, all these interesting interesting modules that can be taken in university. i'm going through this Mod-Pop art phase right now and i find Andy Warhol and his gang very intriguing. Edie Sedgewick, mmm, I can't wait for Factory Girl to hit the screens.

sigh! perhaps in this aspect, teaching really is the path for me. i've been hearing horror stories from my other friends relief teaching though, so i guess i just have to try it out some time on my own to see how it is for me. i want to feel mentally exhausted, which i never am nowadays, obviously.

on another note, it was nice to meet with some old friends this past week. angela, dawn and jenny. angela and her hilarious antics (CARROT CAKE!) and dawn just being dawn with the very cute look she gives when angela says something questionable. jen and i fell back into our usual routine, we went to watch a movie none of our other friends really wanted to watch and then we talked about it and then we had a meal. and she had her Brownies with Ice cream. the last movie we caught together was Be With Me and it's nice to know some things are still the same. i've caught countless movies with jen, Broken Flowers being the one we watched last night. it was only so-so in my opinion - it was branded with the sort of humour i enjoy but i feel there wasn't else much to it for me. we're thinking of catching Le Grand Voyage soon.

i've been thinking about God a lot lately, more than i ever have before. maybe because the past few nights have been rough and He's the only one i could really turn to for solace. i feel guilty because when i need Him, i say YES i'm going to commit completely to the Lord, He is my number 1 priority. yet the next day, when things are all calmer and better i just forget. it's a sort of schizophrenia. last night i thought i had come to the conclusion that God was infinitely better than art. which He is - my mind knows this, but my heart refuses to give in and renounce everything else for Him. either way, struggle or not, i must make a conscious effort to spend more time with Him. ED was good for me, the weekly prayers and reflections. i hope it starts up again soon.

The Temper

How should I praise thee, Lord! how should my rymes
Gladly engrave thy love in steel,
If what my soul doth feel sometimes,
My soul might ever feel!

Although there were some fortie heav’ns, or more,
Sometimes I peere above them all;
Sometimes I hardly reach a score,
Sometimes to hell I fall.

O rack me not to such a vast extent;
Those distances belong to thee:
The world’s too little for thy tent,
A grave too big for me.

Wilt thou meet arms with man, that thou dost stretch
A crumme of dust from heav’n to hell?
Will great God measure with a wretch?
Shall he thy stature spell?

O let me, when thy roof my soul hath hid,
O let me roost and nestle there:
Then of a sinner thou art rid,
And I of hope and fear.

Yet take thy way; for sure thy way is best:
Stretch or contract me, thy poore debter:
This is but tuning of my breast,
To make the musick better.

Whether I flie with angels, fall with dust,
Thy hands made both, and I am there:
Thy power and love, my love and trust
Make one place ev’ry where

Herbie tells it like it is.

+ posted by M @ 1:28 PM

...	Tuesday, January 10, 2006

ARGHHHH MEL STOP SHOPPING. YOU ARE GOING TO GO BROKE BROKE BROKE, WHICH WOULD BE EVEN WORSE CONSIDERING THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU'D ACTUALLY HAVE TO SPEND TO GO BROKE, AND AT THE RATE YOU'RE GOING, YOU WILL GO BROKE, EVEN IF YOU HAD $498709879387984375098745973597 IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT!

just needed to tell myself that.

+ posted by M @ 10:20 PM

...

finally finished watching all my season 3 nip/tuck episodes, with the 1.5 hour finale to cap it all off today.

OMG. QUENTIN COSTA! KIT! AHHHHH. i hated quentin anyway, HATED HIM. but kit? totally didn't see that one coming. i just hate that he's not dead and i quite hope he doesn't come back to feature much in nip/tuck because i thought season 3 was way too Carver centred and skipped out on a lot of other good stuff (high power drama, emotional performances) that made season 2 so delectable. the character development on Christian's side this season was good though. i think Sean needs to stop having mid life crises. they did still address very controversial issues in this season, and at times it got rather uncomfortable. and Christian-Sean > Ryan-Seth. you somehow really feel a strength of friendship from these guys, though at times it gets rather screwed up. the actors have fantastic chemistry alright.

i can't wait for the next season, can't wait!

oh and i stayed up reading Blankets last night, and reading it really made me ache. it's painfully sincere and beautiful, i hope craig thompson is happy as he is today. it makes you really believe in the term 'meant for each other' and feel sad that it really doesn't work out even then.

+ posted by M @ 3:52 PM

...

i'm beginning to feel this blog is a little too public.

i'm getting all clammed up again and in one of my moods. commitment, adulthood, settling, commitment, responsibility, commitment, commitment, commitment. it's all getting a bit much. i'm not the kind of person who really commits easily and actually likes to. it would be a good experience to really commit and i think it's nice in a way to feel committed to something/someone fully but i can't do it and don't see it as being particularly enjoyable when i'm faced with the option. maybe work will teach me something about that.

well, if i don't commit to anything, nothing/no one is going to commit to me. so i suppose i might as well learn, if i don't want things to disappear and people to leave.

+ posted by M @ 2:24 AM

...	Sunday, January 08, 2006

there are things i love about this country.

example:

we were on our way to church when we saw a black goat on the road. i was zoning out as usual when my brother goes, 'there's a goat!' and strangely enough, THERE WAS. a black goat, running astray and almost getting knocked over by a car. and then we see two malay men, both barefoot, running after it. it was hilarious and very incongruous to see this happen while we were just about to drive under a very modern highway. the goat was for their hari raya haji ritual i presume, where a goat is slaughtered and distributed evenly in the mosque for everyone to feast with their families afterwards. i wanted to take a photo but wasn't quick enough, because the goat ran across so quickly (yes right in front of our eyes!) with no care for traffic and yet more men joined in the chase, barefoot. i wonder if they caught it in the end. i can see it being a very big traffic hazard.

maybe in the next two days we'll see more wild goats running across roads and into MRT stations, who knows? i just love the juxtaposition of it all.

+ posted by M @ 2:07 PM

...

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die

We are twelve billion light years from the edge
That's a guess
No one can ever say it's true
But I know that I will always be with you

There are six billion people in the world
More or less
And it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all

... nothing said, nothing done. there are certain songs i don't want to listen to ever again.

OKAY, MOVING ON. plan to buy work clothes was a flop. only bought flats, t shirt and sweats. also, i realize it's quite dangerous for me to have a POSB card. i have been spending unforgivable amounts in just a span of two days. i must stop myself now! but it's just so exhilarating, transferring money and spree-ing and buying things online. hmm.

also, i've been given the chance to go to Maldives on the annual NJC cip trip there. i'm really interested in it after hearing about it all and i think it would be a good thing for me to do before college. always wanted to go but i never signed on in j1 (i can't remember why i didn't) and in j2 it was timed such that it was during one of our term exams. and after all, Maldives will be the first part of the world to be submerged due to Global Warming and so i should visit it before that happens (though it would be in many years time, but well, how many opportunities does one get to go to Maldives and mingle with the people there?). hmm. quite exciting.

+ posted by M @ 2:25 AM

...	Thursday, January 05, 2006

feeling more spritely today. i'm quite on time for my college apps and i'm almost done with them all FINALLY (i just want to put all the college app stress BEHIND ME!). i went to finally get a POSB atm card (!) and will apply for a debit soon. i went to register for driving lessons at bukit batok. i called my workplace and told them i would start monday the 16th - have already fixed it so i have to start, no more hesitating! at least i have accomplished some things. i feel strangely adult - atm card and driving and work and stuff. gosh, at the bank today and at the driving centre i felt so odd watching them do so much paperwork and explaining things to me i really did not understand : if you use this savings plan you get X% per annum, enter your PIN code please, do you have insurance?, do you want the auto or manual driving license? now i need to look into clearing my room, selling some things, getting new furniture, getting a new camera, getting a personal computer/laptop. also feel quite inspired to help mom achieve her ambitions of setting up her bakery. i really think she should do something for herself she will be happy with and not let her ideas fester until there just isn't time left. life is short!

am pretty pleased with my new jeans. it feels kind of odd, a lot of people saying, 'i have never seen you in pants!' well, it's quite exciting to wear pants now, i guess. especially since i have to for work and things. must learn how to make a good first impression, hmmm. i have the whole of next week as my last week of 'freedom' i suppose. i intend to try the 7day yoga thing with davie and take some driving lessons next week. i also want to get back into kickboxing. alright, i'm off then.

+ posted by M @ 7:35 PM

...	Wednesday, January 04, 2006

somehow i'm neither here nor there

the past few days have been rather sobering. January 3rd, Tuesday, when school and work started for the rest of Singapore. and for some, NS. it's rather surreal to know that Van is in BMT right now, sweating it out like all the other guys and i feel oddly proud of this feminist statement (though normally i'm not very feministic). SAF scholar, hell yeah.

walking through town and having a laidback subway lunch with Davie, joining a non-existent queue at the lido box office, watching The Family Stone (which was crap, pure crap, save yourself some money and time and skip this movie) in a relatively empty cinema - all on the 'first day of school' as i still referred it. i'm still looking at the time in front of me as 'X' day of school, it's strange isn't it? i see all these students out and about in town in their purposely sloppily worn and altered uniforms and find that i'm technically past all that. it's taking quite awhile to sink in, though i think i've adjusted to school-less life just fine - i don't wake up automatically at 6.30 or absentmindedly think about what lessons i have the next day. i could get used to this life, alright. but the truth is, i crave a routine and i can't really stand being stuck in limbo. yet i find i'm dragging my feet over work, but i suppose i should really commit myself to the job soon and start getting into a different way of life. i'm almost an 'adult' now, technically. i've been saying and thinking 'technically' a lot. because technically i'm at a different point of my life now. technically i'm an adult. technically i'm free to do whatever i like. technically, technically, technically. perhaps i should consider capitalizing my writing properly now.

it also makes it feel extra funny that i'm watching my brothers move on to 'milestones' in their lives as students. one brother has started GEP, another brother has gone to The Chinese High to join the others, one brother must now wear the HCI uniform. and my sister has started nursery school. whereas i'm just sort of hanging around at home. it's only been 3 days and i feel queer - but maybe that's just it, it'll probably feel less queer after a month.

it's really time to read a lot more and actually do things. i have half a mind to somehow discard of my computer because it is an evil minute-munching monster. ah, alliteration. i'm scared of having my brain disintegrate into a slush, really scared, which is why i think teaching might be a pretty good idea for a job.

+ posted by M @ 8:28 PM

...	Monday, January 02, 2006

it has occurred to me just how much i don't know about people, even those that seem to be my closest friends. i mean, naturally this is an issue everyone deals with - but the impact of it is only really sinking in right now. and i suppose on the other hand, a lot of people don't really know me either - quite a few people upon accidentally discovering this blog have told me that they're not really sure of who i am at all. it is hard to reconcile who i really am to what people see and it's going to be a long while before that happens. naturally, this blog isn't a complete reflection of the person i really am either. everyone is a stranger in this world in some way or another and i wish it wasn't so.

anyway i've been thinking about this little country i live in quite a lot. sometimes i feel amazed at how we've managed to survive and sometimes i feel very scared about the way we live. read this, it scares me a lot, even though it's fairly back-dated. and i've been thinking about our arts scene and i feel that a lot of the time the art here doesn't reflect our society much at all - talent is either used to mock society (as seen in Oh So Many theatrical performances) or break away from it (we're always emulating the westerners, trying to be something else). our art doesn't have any identity to it because i think as a country we lack an identity. who are we, really? i don't know either. we're all a very confused bunch of people, some of which feel alienated from the country itself (like me). is the Merlion, laksa and MRT all we have to our name? sure, there are many things that make us Unique - but they're all a result of borrowed cultures which have been overmixed. we're a mutt of a country - Singapore is an identity crisis. and so it amazed me that i have never really thought about it before, that this IS our identity. we have an identity - our identity is our identity crisis. get where i'm going with this? realized this upon talking to Yuehan about the usual subject matter of our local film and felt so .. inspired! he thinks if anything, a film should be made about our identity crisis. and it just hit me that i have to unearth this, i have to think about this, i have to do this! the months ahead are going to be very interesting indeed, as i think about this a lot more and embark on my exploration of Singapore, a country i've lived in but never really knew.

+ posted by M @ 6:29 PM

...	Sunday, January 01, 2006

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving
Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing
It's always better when we're together

but we're not, so that's that. have a happy new year. new year's day feels overrated for the most part, but i posted just so i could see the numbers 2006 load. and i'm happy because i can start using The Beatles 2006 organizer i bought. so, yay.

EDIT: because i do not want to sound like the Cynical Jerk people think i am but really am not. i really am not as unhappy as i seem, sometimes. but yes, it is hard to discern i'll give you that. well, FRANZ FERDINAND is coming to Singapore! (FF > BSB) i'm going to skip work for the concert if necessary. and i am excited for work which ought to start in about a month's time. and Broken Flowers screening next week. okay, there is my Positive Moment, stop nagging me about it because really, it is JUST another day!

+ posted by M @ 5:01 PM