sorry to worry my dear friends with the excruciatingly angsty previous post. to cut a long story short, my parents found out about a very personal relationship i've been trying to keep under wraps and things were pretty bad. but they've settled down now, and i hope we can all continue to move on.

i am not gay, and maybe that's the most confusing thing about this. because it isn't as simple as coming out or staying in, but it is still very real.

anyway these days i've been busy with art and my pursuit of it. i desire inspiration badly but seem not to really find it, and i procrastinate far too often. so i spent a little bit of time today drawing roast ducks hanging from the window of a roasted meats stall. it's the simple things, i suppose.

ABV3 is and probably will be the best play that i've watched this year. sure it wasn't perfect and sure King Lear was technically superior. but there was so much heart in ABV3 you could feel it emanating from the actors - they really believed in the work. as they stood at the edge of the stage for curtain call, i could see tears streaming down from Robin Goh's face. that in itself moved me so much. and Koey's performance was beautiful as always. so much of it spoke to me, because it was so real and so intimate, even in the stage-y National Drama Centre. Alfian has much to be proud of ..

wish you could have seen it, carol!

+ posted by M @ 2:55 AM

...	Friday, July 20, 2007

truth.

i used to think you could just feel it in your bones. that you would know immediately what to do, where to go, who to be because it was true and it was the only way. these past months i've found that everything i thought was true has been torn apart. and the one thing that i held close throughout that time was dismantled and picked at right in front of my eyes earlier today.

in the world today, nothing is really what it seems. beauty could very well be plastic, lies and deception are everywhere. everyone knows this. films, plays, art that i turn to for solace at times - even those are sometimes contrived. and of course, technically, untrue. the only thing that remains is love. and even the name of love has been slandered - the cheap commercialized romantic comedies, empty pop songs, people take love so lightly these days.

i felt like our love was real. i know it is real. but to have it torn down before me, told over and over again that it was merely a diabolic deception has really hit me hard. and i don't really know what to think any more, about so many things. but despite all the dirt thrown on us in an attempt to disqualify us and dehumanize this, i am sure that i love. and that i am loved. i just don't really know where to go from here. i never thought i'd actually say this, but perhaps sometimes love just isn't enough.

(friends, i need you.)

+ posted by M @ 5:09 AM

...	Tuesday, July 17, 2007

starting over again, from the incredible trainwreck my life has become over the past year. but i know it will be okay and i will be okay. God will make it okay.

+ posted by M @ 11:34 PM

...	Monday, July 09, 2007

my brother.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IBntqJY78T0

hahaha.

on another note, my friends dvd got stuck in my powerbook. very annoying.

+ posted by M @ 5:27 AM

...	Saturday, July 07, 2007

more than one person has asked me lately, 'are you sure you really want to go away?'

out of concern, i guess. these are the people who know me more intimately. when i say, 'yes, it's really something i have to do', no one is really convinced. they try to talk me out of it, citing tons of reasons.

i have thought carefully about it. the loneliness, the homesickness, etc. i'm not in denial here. i know that i most probably WILL be lonely. i WILL be homesick. i CAN picture myself going through one of my depressed periods where i just want to hibernate for a few months. i'm not naive, i know there's a possibility i could end up with zero-friends, zero-people i can turn to. i know some people do this, but i don't - fantasize about going there and meeting version 2.0s of all my friends here or finding some foreign blonde boyfriend immediately (for the record, i don't even like blondes). i have thought of all the worst possible things that can happen, because, well ain't i just little miss optimistic? but loneliness is something people deal with everywhere, wherever they may be. it's not a strong enough reason to make me stay. i've been throwing myself into a whole bunch of random gigs this year to prepare myself in some small way for the world out there. relationships and friendships in the working world are transient - people walk in and out the door faster than you can say 'bye'.

everyone says, 'you're going to miss your family. you're going to truly start appreciating the way things used to be. you're going to start appreciating singapore' and so on. i don't need anymore lectures. i know i'm going to miss things, i'm going to regret some things, etc etc. but i have to go there myself to find out - no point telling me about it because Conrad's right - we live as we dream, alone. i've got to experience this for myself. and if it means buying cans of mace and pepper spray, i guess that's what i'll have to do.

my strongest reason for going away isn't because i hate this place. i don't hate singapore. i might grumble about the weather, the government, the people. but at the end of the day - i love the food and i love the idiosyncracies of this country. i might not be able to call it 'home' convincingly like they do on national day, but i know this place does mean something to me. the late night stingray suppers, one-dollar ice creams, getting from antique little india to the city in less than half an hour, not having to ever worry about winterwear. i'm not leaving because i want to run away from my family, either. i'm happy with them, despite our conflicts and squabbles.

as i've so often said before (and i really, really honest-to-God mean this) i'm leaving for a better education which i know i definitely will not be able to get here.

i realize i still feel the same way, even though it's been tough as hell in chicago and i might not be going back, but going somewhere else. yes, a lot of things have been happening in my life such that people i have not seen for a while might be confused. but rest assured that everything i'm doing now has come about careful thought and under certain circumstances - things which aly understands the best out of everyone else, i think (because she knows more about my life and what happened in chicago). so to update everyone:

i'm going to london, possibly. i've decided that i want to graduate from an art school and so i'm applying to central st martins (foundation first). i'm currently extremely busy compiling my portfolio and i still might not get in because it's pretty late in the year (though they accept international applications all year round). i feel extremely apprehensive, but things are getting clearer with each day ... and maybe this is really what i'm supposed to be doing. this means i'll be giving up studying literature for good (CSM offers theatre, fine arts and film ... i would ideally do all three in the interdisciplinary degree) and i'm not sure if i'm ready to do that, but i honestly believe i do not have to do a lit degree in order to enjoy reading.

i've still got a place in chicago and i will probably hold in to it until after foundation (so i can go back if i decide to).

there are a lot of parts of myself that i've forgotten, and i want to rediscover them.

+ posted by M @ 5:41 PM

...	Tuesday, July 03, 2007

"so what did you think of transformers? everyone's been waxing lyrical."

"i fell asleep."

i met up with an old friend from njc yesterday, and we're planning to make a film. extremely extremely low budget. primarily it's a love story (between a performance artist and a graphic designer), but you know how films are always so much more than the series of events in it (or at least the good films are). but i venture to say that what we really want to do is strip search singapore and do a bit of a commentary on the arts scene over here. shots of kids practicing break-dancing at that weird little area in the esplanade, dancing at void decks, rehearsals in joo chiat/chinatown in front of sleepy shuttered shops.

we need actors, of course. specifically one girl and one boy. for the girl, we would like her to be beguiling. not someone who is gorgeous, but someone who exudes a special sort of aura. does that make sense? frankly, i know many people like this, but the problem is such people are not usually interested in acting (apart from the sprouties). if you're an actor/actress, and you're interested in creating art that is personal, intimate and real ... then let me know. i'll probably be posting things up at the substation.

+ posted by M @ 6:39 PM

...	Monday, July 02, 2007

I'm sorry I have not been updating, so now I am.

Mainly for Carol's benefit I will talk about the two local shows I've been to since I got back. I saw Wong Kar Wai Dreams and Bulan Madu.

Wong Kar Wai Dreams was of the big, splashy variety, held in the national drama centre and all that. I usually am a little biased towards plays watched in the theatre studio or little spaces such as the substation - with free seating and cheaper tickets. I tend to think those plays are a little bit more intimate and real and more accessible to everyone else, but that's just my opinion. I didn't really like WKWDreams. It had a lesbian subtext that was painfully obvious from the beginning and a bit contrived (like having a lesbian storyline just for the sake of having one). The wayang kulit style of scenes from the movies was very beautiful, though. Other than that, I expected so much more from a play bearing WKW's name.

Bulan Madu was great. The second play about Kampong Wa'Hassan dragged a little but the first play about polygamy was very heartrending. The acting was perfect I felt, and I was impressed that the actress who played the second wife was reprising this role after ten years. I saw alfian nodding several times during the play while they delivered their lines, and I must confess I watched him quite a bit more than I should have (I should have been paying attention to the stage instead). Well, for one, he sat so near to the back wall which was where the subtitles were being flashed that I couldn't help but see him every time I had to read the subtitles. And for another, I just liked watching the expressions on his face. Expressions of someone watching his own script be played out in front of him, and nod every time he think it's been perfectly transferred on to the stage. Don't ask me why it intrigues me .. maybe because a part of my intrinsically longs to feel the same thing one day. To know every line by heart, and to almost mouth it along with the actors while watching the play.

Going to Bulan Madu made me re-examine my relationship with theatre. I looked around at the audience and realized my brother and I were two of the very, very few chinese faces. Later on, when one of the actors prompted the audience as to which areas of Singapore they were from, and if any of them had stayed in Kampongs, I realized there was a great variety - Bukit batok, Sembawang, Yishun, Jurong, Johor .. Yes, some of them were old enough to have had a Kampong. Bulan Madu was not just romanticizing malay culture - it was real, recognizable and true. Something even the older people could relate to. And even though I am completely almost unfamiliar with many of the inside jokes, slangs and idiosyncrasies of the malay culture, I, too could feel some sort of connection to this play. I felt this theatre had almost succeeded in breaking the hierachies so present in theatre audiences ... usually the upper or middle class going for plays, only. My only regret was that there were not enough chinese Singaporeans interested in this production (but perhaps they had gone the night before?).

I met an old friend last night at the door, who recognized me first. It was really good to have met her because I feel there are so many parts of myself I have forgotten, and talking to her helped me remember, a little.

+ posted by M @ 2:06 PM