and everything just comes to a standstill.

i'm having one of those days where everything is so inexplicably painful and melancholic. i'm having one of those invisible days. i'm just having one of those days. and i wish i could talk to someone, but i can't, and all i can cling on to are your words, and the look on your face when you told me i was worth so much more than this and the strain in your voice when i refused to believe you.

there has to be more to life than getting past the teachers, copying homework, trying to stay awake in lectures - and it's just not to be found here. but all this while, i've been telling myself there's so much more to life than i can ever imagine, and just what if, what if there isn't? what if this single hair-thin hope of mine is purely imaginary, a necessary measure to keep myself from slitting my wrists ... and i suppose that's what keeps us from insanity, this small, but sure hope that there is love, there is joy and there is life.

for God so loved the world, He gave his only son so that whoever believed may not perish but have eternal life. JOHN 3:16

at this point, i have to thank you jen. thank you for sending me frequent messages with bible verses in them. i really appreciate those. God is there for me, He is there. i just haven't been seeing it. maybe because i've been refusing to see, maybe because i've been refusing to concentrate on anything else but the present, maybe because i've just been so caught up in worldly happenings to see Him.

i want everything to be right, but now all i can do is trust.

+ posted by M @ 7:04 PM

...	Monday, April 26, 2004

i think i've realized something. i've got to stop wanting to be somewhere else, somebody else ... even something else. i've got to recognize that i'm living my own life and no one can ever take that away from me. in the end, it's the pure honesty and truth of your life that makes it beautiful - whether you're miserable living it or excruciatingly happy. the fact is, things seem to fall in place for everyone else - but so what? that's their life. i have my own. in a way i sound selfish, but at the same time - people have to stop trying to convince me to live the way they do because they think i'll be happy that way ... true enough, i may be rather miserable where i am now; but at least i'm me, i'm myself, i'm special, no one else can ever be me. if i don't tell myself that i'm special and i mean the world, who else is going to do it?

i have to learn that some time. believe me, i'm trying.

+ posted by M @ 1:13 PM

...

and tonight, she paints
her face with tears

not the way you wanted her to

and tomorrow, she faces again
the four walls and
her solitude

not the way you wanted her to

today, the light shines in her eyes
an optical illusion

not the way you wanted it to

one day, that smile will
crack.

+ posted by M @ 12:51 PM

...	Sunday, April 25, 2004

at least by alvin pang

I still have my health. All's well at work
besides the paltry lunch breaks. But I'll live.
My lungs are both intact. And by some quirk
two roses survived. I make enough to give
to Oxfam, Red Cross and St John's. I sleep
most nights. I swallow without weeping now.
The sink is clean. My heart's not maggot-eaten.
The milk I drink is not yet past expiry.
Monday follows Tuesday. Someone died,
it’s in the papers. Seven times I've beaten
Halo on the hardest setting -- how
exactly is recorded in my diary.
Putting one foot before the other, I keep
my balance. Paint dries. Today I haven't cried.

+ posted by M @ 4:22 PM

...	Wednesday, April 21, 2004

and everyone is in love, and discovering the world, and breathing in beauty and spending each day in unforgettable passion.

and here i am, drowing in self-loath, hopelessness, immaturity and ignorance.

open the eyes of my heart Lord - i want to see. i don't want to be blind to all this goodness in my life.

you know, i admit, right now i need more than ever. i'm an emotionally needy person. yet, there seems to be no one there.

Jesus, i want to shine for You.

+ posted by M @ 8:28 PM

...	Monday, April 12, 2004

i remember i freaked you out for a while in sec three. how i went around saying i idolized you, half jokingly, half serious. the fact is, i really do. the way you do things with such discipline, precision and passion. a passion for physics which i can never understand, yet a passion i do understand - simply because there are things i love in my life.

you still awe me with your complete all-roundedness - but beyond all those academic and scholastic achievements, i understand that that's not what causes me to love you so. i love you for the person you are and the friend you are to me.

so, kai, this entry is for you. have a good trip to australia and excel like i know you will :)

+ posted by M @ 8:35 PM

...	Sunday, April 11, 2004

there are times when i need people, and there are times when i want to be needed.

+ posted by M @ 3:33 PM

...	Saturday, April 10, 2004

comment by fellow classmate: mel must be more outspoken. now after first three months, all her friends are gone. no one to po her anymore. she must take the initiative to make new friends with her genuine character.

po: to bootlick, suck up to.

hmmm. HMMMM. i feel insulted, yet amused.

+ posted by M @ 1:59 PM

...	Friday, April 09, 2004

i went for maundy thursday mass today and msgr lau said something which touched me deeply.

he told me that even if i was the only person on earth, just ONE seemingly insignficant soul, Jesus would still come down and die just for me, just to save this ONE person. bear all that pain, all that shame just for me and me alone. i am that precious to Him - i am that much loved by Him. He does not die for the world as a general whole, but for every single individual. and it makes it so much more meaningful, that we aren't just one whole mass of people to Him - we are ourselves, He sees and loves each and every one of us individually.

it just makes me feel special, and He's the only that has been able to constantly make me feel that way about myself.

+ posted by M @ 1:05 AM

...	Thursday, April 08, 2004

let me tell you about our cheap thrill. we allow ourselves to indulge in this very, extremely, dirt-cheap thrill.

see, there's this guy called yiyang whom yifang finds extremely cute [in the cartooney sort of way]. we would get a kick out of waving to him and calling out his name everytime we saw him TO EMBARRASS YIFANG. of course he doesn't know who we are. i hear he was freaked out by us, and frankly if i were him, i would be too. see, this is the fun stuff you can do in NJ: mentally torture a poor, adorable little catholic high boy [and trust me, there are many here in nj. in which case, if chs boys are not available to be tortured, TCHS boys will have to bear the brunt of the matter].

i was walking out of school today and climbing down the millions of steps NJC has thanks to its ingenious structure and guess who i see but yiyang and his other little catholic high friend [i presume. the cat highs all just clique together. must be something about olive green shorts]. he saw me walking past and then he purposefully turned around and gave me a tentative smile. YIYANG, this little trembling cartoon, smiling at someone he probably finds extremely mean [we shout out his name and then laugh very obviously]. don't ask why i find that so funny, i just thought it was so sweet that as i walked down the grandstand i turned around again to smile at him. and he was still smiling at me.

awww. cute little chs boys.

well, on to more sombre things. my life in njc, as i know it, is over. i have incurred the wrath of countless teachers and am quite sure that they hate me and will not hesitate to reject helping me in any university applications. it is most unwise of me.. sigh. why don't they like me? i must find a way to rectify this situation.

+ posted by M @ 5:56 PM

...	Tuesday, April 06, 2004

i have never been angry - just hurt.

+ posted by M @ 9:30 PM

...

halfway during econs tutorial, i felt a nudge. henry made me look at what he had written on his tys: 'econs is so boring'. i don't know why, but something about that almost made me laugh out loud [and i would have, had my teacher not been eye-ing me]. though i guess that's what makes it even funnier - having to suppress my laughter. maybe it was the juvenile but oh so familiar behaviour that made me grin. we used to do that all the time in sc. send notes across the class to kai and charm with strong mint sweets attached to them and scribble - EAT THIS AND YOU WILL BE ENLIGHTENED. then again, there wasn't much i did during class time because i was usually sprawled all over my books, sleeping uncomfortably. we used to pass notes all the time. it was fun. then i came to jc and basically there weren't many people to pass notes to and the people i sat around never engaged in written-on-textbook conversations.

it's little things like these that keep me going through a whole day of lessons.

+ posted by M @ 7:52 PM

...	Sunday, April 04, 2004

arg. i am just so frustrated and annoyed. and confused. i'm turning into the perfect role model for angsty teens. my vocabulary nowadays consists of, 'confused, depressed, frustrated, annoyed'. this is not good at all. surely i must feel some other way, if possible?

i don't know why i let these things get to me. i've decided i'm not talking to anyone anymore for now until they bother calling me. that's it.

+ posted by M @ 10:56 AM

...	Saturday, April 03, 2004

there are so many things that lead me to believe that a lot of people mean a lot more to me than i do to them.

but i mean nothing to you, and i don't know why.

+ posted by M @ 11:47 PM

...

i think yesterday was the only day last week i didn't go out and bum after school [at venezia. somehow i always end up at venezia. this is not very good news]. instead i went home to bum. i guess it doesn't make much of a difference - i realized i needed some alone time.

quite perfect. it was raining, i had my strawberry rolls from bee cheng hiang, i kept the lights off and just watched beauty and the beast. yes, the disney cartoon. its the disney cartoons that make me cry. how ironic. after that was done, i watched a sesame street movie - 'don't eat the pictures'. i was looking for 'big bird in tokyo' but i couldn't find it, sadly. after that, i went to sleep at about 5 pm and didn't wake up till about 11pm. so i missed ED and stations of the cross for a third time. i must not do such a thing again.

when i woke up at 11pm i actually considered doing something other than sleeping, but decided against it. so i ended up sleeping again and woke up unusually early.

i'm still craving chocolate mint gelato from venezia. i can't take it; i've spent my entire life savings on venezia gelato. i swear i must stop it. oh well, at least now some of you know where you can find me after school.

you must be thinking that i've gone senile. i don't know why, there's this craving to relive childhood again. escapism at it's most extreme.

down to more serious things. i am seriously disturbed by the state of affairs at njc. i have been wanting to be a CAPper since maybe sec two, but was scared of applying. finally i decided that in jc, i would overcome this fear of exposing my work and just apply. well, guess what. GUESS WHAT. njc doesn't even inform us of CAP. while people in other jcs [hc, rj, ac, vj] were happily putting together their portfolios and seeking help from the likes of Creffield, i was just completely ignorant. am i expected to go up to the english department and tell them i want to apply for CAP? the opportunities should be made known to us. why aren't they made known, WHY?! this just speaks volumes of the english literature department at njc.

they are so pathetic. i swear i am going to scream at the teachers one day, after i've withdrawn. there is only so much i can take. but what shall i do? do i stand alone in this fight for the arts? it's things like these which really make me regret not fighting hard for my right to pick my own jc. and at the end of it, i just can't be bothered to tell my parents, 'i told you so' because i doubt they care about my interests and they don't know how much this opportunity meant to me, or how long i've waited for it. so it's no point. i will just do whatever they say until i die. that's how i pass my time till it ends. that's how life is, and i'll stomach it.

i have to make sure things like this mean nothing to me, i have to get rid of how i feel about all these things, and then maybe i'll stop hurting, maybe i'll stop being so upset. i basically have to stop being so emotional because it gets on people's nerves. i wish i didn't care so much, i wish i didn't bother so much, but i do and it's worse that there's nothing i can do about it at all. how can i stop?

or maybe there's this whole misunderstanding, and they posted something about CAP in the most remote corner of that sorry greyhell school so we can't find it and be distracted from our 'scholarly studies of mathematics'- ha. ironies of life. ha. i swear if i find out that happened i'll just slit my wrists.

+ posted by M @ 1:11 PM