haven't blogged for a week. is that strange? hmm.

have been using the computer less - in exchange for sleep sleep sleepy. at one point i'd stay up till 2am at least everyday, and now it seems that i can fall asleep straight after having my dinner. glad that i've had the time to go for more walks this week. to box. to have time for mysef. to watch the DVDs i rented. and i didn't skip a single day of school. Thank You, Lord.

must do much work tonight and get ready for another week. common tests are coming. i'm nervous. i'm nervous for those getting o level results. nervous about drama too. oh well, another week walking with Jesus, i know i can get through it.

currently hooked on ash again. my taste in music gets cyclical.

teenage queen a sweet gamine
immortal youth a libertine
is she real or just a dream
my heart beats fast like benzedrine

everytime that she walks by
sends shivers down my spine
makes me want to die

cherry bomb - ash

WOO what a fun song! i imagine mischa barton sashaying down the hallway to this song. i can't think of any other person that fits this song really.

some kind of wonderful. i love eighties teen flicks. can't get enough.

onward to math and whitby. won't be sleeping much tonight i reckon, but it's okay!

+ posted by M @ 3:20 PM

...	Friday, February 11, 2005

'whatever la'.

that's my favourite phrase of the moment. honestly. today hasn't been that great a day. my throat is sore and my nose blocked. we got half day today, which was a nice thing. went out with bea. just the two of us again. i swear it's dangerous. we shouldn't be left alone. bea and i were both in bad moods. i managed to convince her to watch finding neverland which she happily agreed to after discovering johnny depp was acting in it. people have raved about that movie. and i'm worried - it didn't make me feel like i expected to. i hoped to feel all happy and better after watching but i wasn't very touched when people around me were all sniffling [including bea]. i've never been the sort to cry at movies, but i didn't even feel a tweak at the heartstrings. perhaps i have none. perhaps they've been replaced with the finer, less easily worn, strands of plastic.

there is something wrong with me. after the movie bea and i sat around at centre point marks and spencer Revive Cafe just feeding off each other and making the other more depressed. bea noted how there were many couples in town today as we walked about. i said she was being oversensitive. until i did realize there in fact were MANY couples milling about going on their own happy business. at first my argument was, let the couples be happy. but after a while i got annoyed. i was pmsey and i tell you bea's depression did not help either. it got to a point where as we walked past heeren some company had a roadshow and was announcing the valentines promotion and simultaneously we said, 'oh shut up lah'

i notice how many people like many people. with one glance, a person can decide they like that person and then spend many a night crying their eyes out over that one person. i have never mastered such flippant dedication, nor understood it. my classmate can decide to spend $50 on a girl he hardly knows just because 'i like her very much'. what is with this, 'like'? i'm sorry i cannot understand such things because i am unable to decide on heart's matters at the blink of an eye ... it's just me. i'm just weird, basically. weird AND spinsterish probably.

OH AND FACT: WE ARE CELEBRATING A MASSACRE PEOPLE. st valentines day massacre. does that make you feel good? i don't even feel like baking cookies now but we'll see. if a certain little miss annoys me enough i just may try to bake the most spectacular cookies ever.

yes, it bugs me, i'll admit it. and i'll continue laughing wryly and sadly to myself, thank you very much.

+ posted by M @ 10:48 PM

...	Thursday, February 10, 2005

the good thing about chinese new year is that we get to start over again. so we have like two chances to have a fresh start to the new year and 2005 till now was just like a trial run, no?

cny isn't really a big thing for me. i don't enjoy cny goodies apart from the oranges and cny treats are evil anyway. two pineapple tarts = 400 calories. give me the good old american chocolate chip cookies any day. so i'm severed from my ethnic roots of chinese culture. it's sad in a way, but sometimes i believe people shouldn't really behave a certain way just because racial tradition instructs it so. people are people are people. we are all just people.

how have i spent the first days of my new year? not doing much because we don't really make a big thing out of it and there's no one to go out with since all my other friends are much more into it and do visit people. my brothers don't have school tomorrow. it's upsetting. but i made that promise to myself and i will keep it. i'm going to school unless i fall sick with fever, which i think is quite unlikely although i am sick with flu at present.

so i guess for now it's back to catching up on my reading. am currently reading, surprise, surprise, 'an invisible heart' given to me by a cousin who loves economics [the subject which i dropped, you recall] in an attempt to get me to like economics more. i admit after getting halfway through the novel i've appreciated capitalism a lot more than how it was taught in njc - but it's not fair, this book is somewhat literature because after all it's written in a novel form. if we dumped our slomans [btw who wants to buy mine] and studied this for econs instead i would be happy - but that wouldn't happen because this is more lit than anything else i take it. it discounts all the ickiness of graphs and equations and what not that econs is truly about in the
'a' levels.

happy lunar new year to all. may this year be a prosperous one for you to grow and live in Jesus.

+ posted by M @ 6:31 PM

...	Thursday, February 03, 2005

did not go to school today. i think i'm coming down with the flu. went to see a doc. but whenever i see the docs for flu stuff i never take the medicine cos i have this weird belief about body's self recovery when it comes to flu. so i go just for the mc to please the school admin. wasted medicine. maybe i should take it. but i don't like taking medicine for passing flu.

i hate it. i hate it that i'm so weak and when i think back i realize i've been skipping one day of school every week since the year started. i'm really that weak. i want to be strong, and i'm determined to get stronger.

didn't cancel my boxing class today despite everything because i've been on such a long boxing hiatus i didn't want to. i've really become very weak over the break. my hook is really off center now and i kept getting all the combinations wrong. ducking when i'm not supposed to. jabbing when i'm supposed to cross. throwing sloppy punches. i feel so weak. and maybe i should have canceled class because now my hands keep trembling.

sigh. clearly i am asking for it.

damn. damn. damn. it's no longer like last year when i skip school with every intention of skipping school. i now know it's bad to skip school. but nowadays i feel so physically weak i just don't go. and the insomnia, staying up almost every night till two until i can't just take it and crash like yesterday. every week it's like that. many nights of sleepless nights until one day i feel tired and i just cannot get up.

or maybe it is all in the mind. sickness is a state of mind. i can do it. i can be strong. God help me be strong. i am determined. throughout the whole lent period i am not going to skip a single day of school. even if every bone in my body is aching to stay in bed, i am not going to. i am not going to. i am going to be strong. i cannot be pathetic and weak. i am going to get up and go. how pathetic right, that a simple act of going to school five days a week is such a hard thing for me to do? i cannot be like this. i cannot. i wasn't like this in sc. and i refuse to be this way now.

+ posted by M @ 5:40 PM

...	Tuesday, February 01, 2005

If I don't make it
Know that I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

I Loved You All Along - Our Lady Peace

good stuff. am rediscovering the band and their songs.

today. highlight of the day was going to the teahouse at bukit batok cc for chinese class excursion. drank nice tea and we were given sushi, cheesecake and tea eggs along with it. tea eggs are understandable. but sushi and cheesecake? oh well was a nice experience, really. i like tea. had to rush back to school for measly drama auditions after that. doesn't matter, it was on the way home anyway. i'm rather worried about test dates and all clashing with drama plans. it's not entirely up to me. sigh.

this is all i have to talk about, day in day out. i feel like i am never getting anywhere at all. the best times of the day? when i sit at the atrium by myself reading 'living faith'. when i walk home alone. not that i like being alone, but those times are when i choose to be alone and feel comfortable with solitude.

graham greene.

oh and i like watching various groups act out scenes from The Caretaker. drama is magic.

funny seeing how j1s miss their secondary schools so vividly during the first three months of jc and trying to organize secondary school class outings like the very first week of the new year. or every other week. or something. and then it all just fades and after a while people get busy with their own lives and don't really care much about old times. life goes on, people move on. sometimes i wonder if they just wish to throw away that part of their life and it gets me a little annoyed that they can just set it down and not feel for it anymore - but if they don't care, why should it bother me. hmm.

+ posted by M @ 9:38 PM