today feels like the worst day of my life.

the chinese paper was deep freeze hell. in the hall for three hours of chinese is no joke - furthermore i didn't even finish my paper and cut off thirty marks. not only will i fail, i will fail badly. joke of the century : i did the question on racial harmony for the chinese composition and less than a line into the essay, i realized i didn't know how to write Indian [in chinese]. looked up the dictionary which i brought after CT's bad experience and looked under I. was frantic for a while thinking, why is there no I section in my dictionary?! have they cheated me? checked for ripped out pages and felt most indignant at getting cheated until i realized that there is no I.. only Y.

i would laugh, but i'm just not in the mood. walked out of the hall sombre and feeling pathetic. walked out of school alone and slipped on the treacherous slope leading to the pathway. it wasn't a bad fall, but there were flocks of girls around me conversing in the typical njcian mix of chinese-english and i sort of lay there, i myself stunned for a while at my fall. i was greeted with straight up, no buts about it, cold eyed indifference. not even some mockery at my ridiculous slip - yes, mockery is a cruel reaction, but nonetheless, it at least acknowledges the presence of something. gosh, is this how my schoolmates behave? i would think people would normally ask 'are you okay?' even if they've all never seen me in their lives. isn't it HUMANE to do so? i really feel for that poor chap who lay face down on the ground in the rain at SICC. perhaps i am just that invisible, just that insignificant, just that pathetic, just that much of a loser. i think if i had sat there longer i would probably have invited some stares for not rushing home to mug my brains out like the rest of the populace.

i reached out for support but all i could grab was air. and this is exactly how i feel now - the only thing that's there for me to lean on is air. human beings are unreliable and damned.

under normal circumstances i would have felt embarrassed but i was just having too much of a bad day to give a damn so i picked myself up, popped the last vanilla hello panda in my mouth and walked on as if nothing happened. saw my friend at the bus stop, time to smile again. smile smile smile, wave goodbye, go home. i may have been blessed/cursed with the ability to smile even when it hurts most but that doesn't mean i only possess that single emotion. i am not an amoeba.

though i have come to hatefully accept that i am but a digit in the stuffy belly of my concrete junior college, but another no name face in the crowd which suffocates the canteen, but another number in your handphones you never dial.

God gave me grass to break my fall where human love would not suffice. only You and You alone can break my fall.

+ posted by M @ 6:06 PM

...	Thursday, September 23, 2004

run down on mel's life.

mel goes to school. mel stays in library most days till nine to study for blasted promos. mel gets high easily, her old habit of flicking people and calling their names for no apparent reason has resurfaced.

actually i think we're all going crazy. here's a brief idea of what happened yesterday.

shi wei: mel mel come here come, time to talk about [insert someone's name]
mel: whattttt. i need to go studyyyy..
shi wei: no no come here first. just a little while
mel: terence chew. must study now. NOW. library.
-gossip ensues-

finally we leave to study. when it hits eight [i normally stay till nine, really. it was all their fault for depriving me of one more hour of math], i am reluctantly forced to go for another gossip session with terence, vinish, gordon, henry and shi wei or face walking out of school alone. yes, the guys in my class are the biggest gossips alive. every rumour is fabricated by them. they're worse than girls. but instead, i find them dancing on the canteen table tops [save vin] to the music of henry's discman blasted out loud [PERFECT MAN BY SHINHWA. im so bloody sick of that song, and i don't even understand it]. there are certain tables in the canteen which people should avoid eating at because of this incident - but, we can't tell others about it - the admin will go mad. so, too bad, you can eat at the tables with imprints of arts guys shoes on it [even if you wipe the tables, the gross idea of these four sweaty guys dancing on the tables will remain]. forever and forever, amen.

now now, i do like my classmates, i just don't want to eat at tables they've stamped on to the beat of korean pop..

oh well. i've decided i'm going to push myself real hard these last few weeks. or days, too few weeks to say weeks, gotta say days. after that chat with haresh in the library, i really want that lit s paper so damn badly.

i won't be here for a while.

God bless my grades.

+ posted by M @ 10:03 PM

...	Tuesday, September 21, 2004

cheryl related this incident to me today. apparently she was brooding in chinese class when terence took out his bible (he's started bringing his bible and daily bread digests to school), placed his hand on it and said, 'don't be sad. believe in this.' well, of course cheryl was shocked by his actions and asked why the sudden change - to which he replied, 'mel has influenced me.' he's been saving all the bible verse smses i send to him.

i feel so.. touched [for the lack of a better word] to see him coming back to God and hearing him say that i helped him, but actually - it was all up to him, i didn't do all that much. it's up to you if you want to know God, and only you.

i am pressed but not crushed
persecuted not abandoned
struck down but not destroyed

i am blessed beyond the curse
for His promise will endure
and His joy's gonna be my strength.

+ posted by M @ 7:04 PM

...	Saturday, September 18, 2004

took the train home from jurong to newton. when i'm on the train i like to idly observe people. i pretend i don't notice but i'm looking all the time.

the secondary school kids comparing the size of their hands. palm to palm, laughing, in their own happy bubble in the middle of the train. oblivious to the disapproving stares of jaded adults and too-cool teens.

two siderows of people that shut their eyes, heads drooping like weathered daisies - or if still awake, with aged weary eyes - why? i prefer not to look, i search their faces trying to understand their sadness and find only my own.

there's always the girl, all dressed up in what she thinks makes her look the prettiest, smsing, smsing, trying to hide her insecurity under her painted nails and make-up. she's so nervous and it makes me curious.

and the rockers in their chuck taylors and friendship banded wrists, deaf to the world with earphones stuck in their heads. trying to find some sort of solace in music nothing else seems to offer - thinking they bleed with every painful lyric - but no, you don't, you only think you do.

for a while, this is what the world looks like to me. so cookie cutter, slotting people i've never known into different categories as if by the time i step out of the train (i've known them all my life). but no one is ever really that predictable.

sigh

today was such an unproductive day in terms of academia. to think i went all the way to Jurong for pw and some study time.

got an sms from terence 'just so you know, i'm going to church at 5.30'. looks like daily bread works ('how do i unsubscribe to daily bread? i don't remember subscribing.') i think he's one of the people i'll have the toughest time ever figuring out, by far.

we've moved on from shakespeare to george herbert's poetry collection The Temple and i'm glad for it. you know i like shakespeare, but i don't quite agree with Measure for Measure. no one is perfect, even the Bard has his bad times. George Herbert is wonderful wonderful wonderful!

now, this is why i took lit. this is why.

spent about half of the lesson with the class quizzing dio on his poetry and interview- even i joined in. he asked if any of us wrote, i asked which poem he sent in for competition and if he'd met any local poets. he asked if i wanted to meet any - i already know about subtext, i just haven't gone at all due to my total lack of vitality. after the promos, that's what i shall do - go to subtext and zouk for a poetry slam. it was nice - we all got to know each other a little bit and talk about the thing most personal to us (writing). i haven't written something proper in a long time and it makes me feel incredibly incapable and uneasy.

on a whole, yesterday was a pretty good day.

+ posted by M @ 8:06 PM

...

TGIF

it's a friday night
and anyone, who's anyone
(on the scoresheet, that is)
is in the library

exchanging answers
over physics notes
swopping formulae cards
over sneaked in water

while sitting amongst these
that go
tap tap tap
on the calculator

talking in numbers
(a language lost on me)

i feel alone ('we live, as we dream, alone'
oh, too true, especially
in my seclusion from
the elusive world
of Newton)
with Conrad ('yes, that's what i mug,
no, not leisurely,
yes, my textbook
no, no TYS,
yes that's all) in my hands
and my mind

squeezing out every meaningful
thought of life
i can manage - it's exhausting
i would have you believe that

splitting oreos in half (that's your dinner)
giving the cream side to your
best friend (the one who studies the most
with you)

counting the hours down
till it hits nine
that's when the gates close
and the school dies

thanks to the self-righteous
greenlink society (annoying, too)
and stingy administration

just as well, we deserve a
break
crossing the bridge eagerly
waiting for the 156
that seems to take an
eternity

to come

switching buses down to
holland V
shortcuts, sharp turns
we're in heaven (NYDC)

we decide our orders even
before we are seated
the food comes
we sit in silence, eating

too tired to socialize
too numb to talk
(that requires too much brainpower)

we're full
but we get our just desserts
get the tab, get a cab
go home and do your QT

and as soon as
you hit the bed
your brain shuts
but not without glimpses
of what tomorrow will be

another day in the library.

i didn't intend to write a poem, this is just roughly what my day was like after school ended at 5 o clock.

+ posted by M @ 11:21 AM

...	Wednesday, September 15, 2004

had first drama meeting thingy today, as in, first meeting outside of exco people. with, like, regular [well, not so regular] members.

cool beans.

am thrilled, am inspired, am ... tired. oh well. pretty cool, you know, to actually have a cca that consists of more than six people.

sheesh promos should just go and die so we can work on getting drama into shape. stayed in njlibrary to study for a while. twas pretty cool. got some work done, as opposed to being at home. i think i shall be doing that for ... the next two weeks.

out, out, damned spot.

+ posted by M @ 10:31 PM

...	Tuesday, September 14, 2004

i reckon this is rather late, but i feel i must record things so as to remember them.

i've had FIVE birthday cakes. awfully chocolate chocolate banana cake from my parents on the same day as my dad's 'surprise party', an island creamery mudcake from mandy and cel [super super good. go buy one now.], a lana cake on saturday, zhaoxin's saralee and cadbury concoction [fatally good. HAHA], a slice of really good nydc cake from sam, bea, mandy and cha.

wow. top that.

some cakes i didn't even touch ... we know which, yes, zhaoxin?

okay, on tuesday, celebrated my birthday with seet, cel, mandy and bea. they surprised me with a cake because i thought my parents weren't getting one. so, i ended up with two cakes that night. on saturday, celebrated my birthday with the gang [short of kai] at my place. they blindfolded me and led me to the pool where the arranged some candle stuff at the sides. i was supposed to blow them all out but we decided they were nice left alone. received city of rain from jenny. it's beautiful, beautiful writing. really missed having kai around, though. actually, certain events have occurred over my birthday weekend that prove to be rather upsetting - but this is not the place for discussion. i trust they will be solved. it has left me discomfited with the aching realization that i really can't be physically there to look out for you guys anymore.

sunday - the actual day. woke up and decided to bake oreo imitations with the dough i made on saturday. in kitchen in pjs, cutting out heart shapes from the chocolate dough when two very unlikely people surprise me with their visit. i say unlikely, because on friday night, a certain someone [STEPHEN ANG] gets me annoyed by not making any time for me on my birthday. and i talk to a certain someone [CHEW ZHAOXIN], quite obviously upset and she just takes it all in, knowing and purposely keeping me in the dark. but it's okay, i like surprises :) zhaoxin presents me with her cake, which looked inedible, but i think was actually edible. she got me a sugarland figurine which i think is quite meaningful after i read her card to me. steph and JQ got me a green bracelet. green! and an awfully long card which opens up - though i think the amount they wrote came up to maybe two lines all together, if spread out and joined up. actually took a photo with them, but deleted it after because i looked not so nice in it. oops.

then went to suntec to meet the sc girls. had lunch at country manna and afterwards in true tourist fashion, decided to walk around the fountain of wealth. yes, we made wishes and walked around the fountain three times. i lost count and was about to walk around another time when zhaoxin said, 'aye! enough! how many S papers you want to get!'

i only want one, but i need to walk around more than three times in order to just get one, you know? :)

we got a nice couple to take photos for us, to which zhaoxin commented, 'how ironic, the locals getting the tourists to take photo for them.' walking on the flipside is good sometimes.

got nice smses, some unexpected from people i've lost contact with. it's nice to know you're remembered.

well, you can tell i had a quite happy day but the amount of ':)'. this is just skimming the surface, though. the age thing hasn't sunk in yet, and neither have the heartaches that come with it.

coolness. now back to the reality of promos.

also, i think i should update the sidebar, since i'm no longer 16 going on 17.

+ posted by M @ 3:47 PM

...	Thursday, September 09, 2004

i peeked at my birthday present today. i didn't even know i got one, because my parent's stopped making a big thing out of my birthday presents since i started 'growing up' and deciding material things weren't such a big issue anymore [harhar. laugh at me all you like. i honestly can't say i really really wanted anything material for the past years].

i only knew i had got one when my mom's friend came over and let slip that my parents had gotten me something.

it was a bang + olufsen bag so i couldn't resist looking. i tried shaking it. no clues from the sound. it was wrapped with that thin, easy-to-tear crepe paper and tied with a ribbon so it was quite a chore to unwrap. i couldn't even unwrap it fully but i managed to see the green outline of

an ipod.

i don't know if it was mini or regular, but it was green, my favourite sort of colour. i didn't even want an ipod that badly. i mean, i don't. sure, i whine about it and say to my brothers every night, 'i want an ipod' but it's one of those things you wish you had for a little while and then forget about - and yet they got one for me. i don't even know how they knew i wanted one because i never express any sort of wishlists to my parents - my brothers must have tipped them off and now they're probably going to get killed by the green-eyed monster.

i'm happy. but i'm feeling more guilty than happy. i don't deserve this expensive gadget which i probably don't know how to use all that well [i'm a technology dummy], i don't deserve anything. all i do is fail tests, not study, go out, watch tv, fall ill and generally make a big nuisance of myself. what did i do to deserve something so good?

sigh. i don't deserve this much care and love and it makes me feel so torn.

+ posted by M @ 11:00 PM

...

what am i doing. i have been staying home with the purpose of studying in mind [and compromising my social life. ha. or the chance to HAVE ONE] but instead i end up watching tv or daydreaming or eating or thinking about baking oreo cookies. have been watching a lot of tv. even hong kong serials. hella good. the practice. cutesy japanese anime. even a bit of liu xing hua yuan. and fear factor. and even stevens. and disney. the list goes on...

and also am sick again. which means, one day wasted yesterday sleeping sleeping sleeping. at least tomorrow will be going back to school to paint drama banners so i won't feel like holidays are total waste.

i have nothing to say. it is so drab. why am i constantly blogging about my lack of motivation to do anything at all.

+ posted by M @ 5:06 PM

...	Tuesday, September 07, 2004

this is what works for me: borders, poetry section. frost, yeats, cummings and some war poetry from the likes of owen and housman. pablo neruda's poems which melt in your mouth and the amusing exchanges between graves, sassoon and owen.

apple strudel muffins

i find myself getting down nowadays, flying into bad moods and saying things i don't mean and regret afterwards. volatile and mercurial, that seems to be me nowadays. very weird un-mel behaviour you'd think. i cheapen my words and .. ah. the abuse of language. sigh.

dad's surprise party didn't go as planned, but i got a nice surprise. a really good mudcake from cel and mandy. five days early. the sweetness of people.

vultus crucis p&w tomorrow. asked terence to go. had a good talk with him about church on sunday. but i wonder if i will end up going ... church still makes me feel weird, and i know it's partly my fault, but i seem to be completely socially inept.

sometimes things happen in the world and i can't help but get caught up in them so much and 'think too much' as a certain someone would like to say - but it angers me so much when i read news of attacks and war and chaos and i'm filled with ... anger. and for a while i just disappear and feel so strongly about events over which i have no control.

i'm tired. here's a little something by ee cummings:

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands

+ posted by M @ 11:44 PM

...	Sunday, September 05, 2004

notice: i really want City of Rain by Alvin Pang. and someone's birthday is coming up.

+ posted by M @ 1:33 PM

...	Friday, September 03, 2004

from the japanese literature i've experienced - the language is so beautiful that it's painful to read at times, and one just soaks in the inexplicable poignancy of it all ...

as of now i really really hate my life. i want to get away. i don't want to be me.

+ posted by M @ 7:37 PM

...	Thursday, September 02, 2004

sometime tonight, my mom told me that yesterday was the first she'd seen me so happy in a long time. according to her i came home with a smile on my face and actually made conversation and she guessed it was because i came back from my class reunion. and i started to cry because she hit a nerve, and because she was right - i haven't been happy in a long time.

i haven't been happy for so long. except for last night, when i came home with two balloons for my sister - the helium made them float. and i crept into her room and still she was not sleeping. her little hands grasped the twine we used to keep the balloons to ourselves and she giggled and giggled and found it so funny that balloons could fly and hit the ceiling. they remained there for a while, at the top of the room. she laughed and laughed at them until i pulled them down for her, to which she let them go again almost instantly. and then she talked to me in her small voice about balloonia - the place balloons go when they're all out of air. a sort of balloon heaven.

it must be wonderful.

+ posted by M @ 11:43 PM

...

scgs is simply the best best best best best best best.

i stayed up baking for teachers and classmates on monday night. made chewy chocolate chip cookies and double chocolate chip muffins with white chocolate chunks. the muffins turned out great! i modified the mrs fields blueberry muffin recipe and turned it into chocolate. PRO-NESS [teehee. nj jargon].

wrapped up the cookies for the teachers and then went to school in the morning. watched the guys' last minute dance rehearsal. they looked so funky in their black shirts and jeans and spray-dyed hair. anyway, had class picnic and teachers' day performances etc etc. wasn't too bad for an NJC celebration. after the guys dance was over [i can't afford to break my only alliance in class] elsa dragged me off because the other sc girls were unwilling to pon. we walked out of njc right under SP's nose! and then when we got to the grandstand, the sidegate was locked and the gate uncle was sitting there. elsa asked him if he could open it for us and he told us we had to join the celebrations. we pleaded and said we had to rush back to our old school or everything would be over. his heart softened seeing us two poor girls and he opened the gate and the two of us walked out a good hour or so before everyone else was dismissed. HAHA.

got back to scgs just in time for the performance! the teachers put up a performance and it was the biggest hit, it was SO FUNNY SO GOOD SO SCGS!!!!!!! loved loved loved ittttttt. and then all of us j1s who were there did an impromptu performance, sang 'home' to the tune of hannah's guitar and it was kinda wonky but it felt so good. after which we led the school in the SC CHEER. OMG OMG OMG!!! so happy. i'm still so happy from that day. talked to the teachers, including atan and she said, 'so you're in njc? ... i hear thats a very boring place.' she hasn't changed a bit!

gosh. great great greatttttt. after that the gang came over while i slept most of the time cos i was just so burnt out from baking the night before. oh i missed them so, though i kept sleeping...

yesterday had a small PR reunion, baked a cake with bea and elsa for sam which turned out SO GOOD.

and today's terrible thursday. and i've just endured two hours of chinese with ben sketching lonely pictures next to me. and him saying, 'it's very easy to tell an artist's feelings - because he will inevitably draw something he feels strongly about.' what do you say to someone you know not very well but is lonely? sigh. and so i just kept quiet because everyone knows how it feels to be alone but i just didn't know what to say.

back to the daily grind.

+ posted by M @ 5:31 PM