after getting close to finishing season one of one tree hill, i'm finding that The OC > One Tree Hill. yup, as the episodes go by the enthusiasm fades and my liking for chad michael murray just keeeeeeps diminishing. somehow he just doesn't look so cute anymore. the episodes where he went into a 'coma', well that really was a bit much. plus it misses out on the glitz factor. peyton is always wearing the SAME jeans, the SAME leather jacket, the SAME chucks, and some vintage t-shirt. call me superficial, but i really love watching the clothes on The OC. the bags, shoes, clothes. can't help it. marissa's carrying a brazil dior sling bag in episode 17. and her countless chanel bags, especially the one with the purple hearts on the chain strap.

still, if you're a hardcore cmm fan, i suppose one tree hill might do it for you. and i guess if you can live with something like Gilmore Girls, then by all means try out the bizarre love triangles of a small town which at first revolves around basketball. and when it did revolve around basketball, it was riveting, but now that cmm's shoulder is injured and james lafferty's character is free from his controlling father, the basketball factor has dropped. i stuck to it because the first few episodes quoted cummings, shakespeare and steinbeck. PLUS, 'hands down' was feature in the very first episode.

mmm if i spent more time studying and less time critiquing american teen soaps maybe i wouldn't be on the verge of failing my common tests. ha. ha. there's some good-natured self-deprecating humour for you.

+ posted by M @ 2:36 PM

...

haven't been in school since monday for the lit exam.

so admittedly i skipped out on tuesday to go shopping [AND I BOUGHT SOMETHING GOOD!!!]. managed to find a cool copy of the balenciaga motorcycle bag, which i've been wanting and wanting but the real thing costs 1000USD and balenciaga isn't a brand sold in singapore. the shop has copies of the lariat bag and the hobo bag and the metallic moschino bag. the real things can't be found in singapore. how cool is that.

well as it is, now i really am sick. have got conjunctivitis and flu which apparently has been going around - and whatever sickness is spreading at the moment, i always get. my immune system is weak. but i should be better tomorrow. i just don't want to go to school with a red eye and make everyone run away ... tis very contagious.

hearing about the CTs from my schoolmates and everything - it sounds like a battle has just been fought and lost. resistance is futile. the math teachers have infiltrated and are making most arts fac people drop math. i think they're scared off after last year's A level math had a failure from the arts fac. yes, us, the stupid arts fac people right. whatever. nj's compressing it's arts fac further - only 60 people this year, and they're thinking of having only two j1 classes! 30 people in each class? that is SO unfair. honestly. we may be small but that doesn't mean we're subject to what is most convenient for you. i am ready to lead the j1s in protest if they wish to complain.

how could i be in such a disgusting school? oh well. the arts fac people really do add some sense of normalcy and life to the school and if they can't see that, then they're welcome to transform nj into one whole big science fac mug fest. i'm getting out after this year anyway, very gladly may i add.

a lot of the results are coming back today and i'm quite sure i failed like all my papers. i never thought i could feel this way, but realistically speaking it's a possibility and i'm over being depressed about it. we just have to pick ourselves up and study harder. much harder.

+ posted by M @ 11:56 AM

...	Tuesday, March 29, 2005

i am not in a good mood.

i haven't been happy for a very long time. and it was made worse when yesterday in the morning i pondered over an ever-so-important question - 'am i actually going to pass any of the common test papers i took?'

and I TOOK MATH HISTORY LIT. three subjects only and i'm still going to screw up. God, mel, you have to wake up. yesterday's lit paper was screwed. herbert. honestly, i never felt that way before. like i wanted to just sit there and give up and cry. and it wasn't like it was such a difficult paper right? i just sucked.

after that, maybe with a combination of hormones, i seriously felt bad and self-destructive. i didn't even know where i wanted to go. none of us went out after the paper, i think we were all just sick of the whole thing. i walked home halfway before realizing that i didn't feel like going home and in the end got on the bus to borders by myself. wandered about borders feeling very upset and frustrated - they rearranged the whole literature section - POETRY SECTION IS LIKE NEXT TO THE PHILO/RELIGION SECTION NOW. it's not cosy anymore. i felt like my space was being invaded because i had to share it with all the philo and religion people. i know borders is a public place, but ... sigh. the literature section used to be nice and relatively empty. and i could find no solace in any poetry. i was just plucking out books and not even reading whole poems. nothing worked. yeah well, stupidly enough, i was trying to find comfort in the very thing that screwed me up yesterday.

i wasn't even happy over easter. honestly. i was trying to be all enthusiastic because i know it's a time of great joy and even now we should be happy. but i'm just not. and yesterday, i felt like i was never going to smile again. that whole harry potter thing with those black shroudy things? yeah i felt like i was attacked by one of them [im sorry i dont know the names, i'm not a harry potter person].

when did i ever become such a dastardly glooming person.

+ posted by M @ 11:40 AM

...	Monday, March 21, 2005

The Whitby

By Me

Whitby, Whitby, always right,
Would you help me see the light,
What immortal brain or eye
Could understand this poetry?

In what mortal state of mind
The answer will I ever find?
On what terms dare I aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what terminology
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy hand begin to mark,
What dread hand and what dread luck?

What the red mark? what the hell?
My brain is an empty shell?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the pen bled on paper,
And I prayed to my maker,
Did He smile to what I have?
Did He who made the A make the F?

Whitby, Whitby, always right
Would you help me see the light,
What immortal brain or eye
Dare understand this poetry?

obviously this is a pathetic parody [because i honestly i don't understand what half of Blake's The Tyger is about] but just so you know why i'm doing this rubbish - The Tyger came out for lit paper today. and even though i didn't choose to do it, and did something else, today's prac crit traumatized me sufficiently.

p.s: APPRECIATE THAT I KEPT TO THE RHYME SCHEME AND METER OF THE THING. i'm sorry if this offends anyone who idolizes william blake, but honestly i'm just frustrated and need to let it out by doing rubbish like this. also, if you don't know what i'm talking about, do note that whitby is my lit8 teacher.

+ posted by M @ 7:49 PM

...	Sunday, March 20, 2005

as usual i'm blogging at the most inopportune time, but look, i'm foregoing my jog time for this [yes i've been SO trapped up at home i don't even go for walks outside now, i go to the gym. i miss fresh air, honestly], since we leave at the ridiculous time of 5 for 5.30 mass.

okay okay. enough.

what have i learnt this week of holidays?!

well, you know, i'll tell you straight up - I HAVE NOT BEEN TO TOWN. and why is that? study study study study TRY to study for the STUPID common tests.

like, ugh, honestly, can the singapore education get any more screwed. i DO acknowledge that there is a time for play and work, but honestly it is CRUEL to give us holidays on the pretext that we USE the holidays to STUDY. haha it's so absurd it's almost funny.

speaking of the absurd. maybe i shall apply the much i have learnt about the theatre of the absurd [caretaker] and use the technique to write a play about the singapore education system. LIKE YES HOW GREAT IS THAT.

no, really. i'm going a little mad. but i must say that apart from

aston: yes.
pause.
davies: estihgjkndfgiugedhij
pause
rthdigjhlkdfgndkfgnjdlkg
aston: yes.
pause
davies: giuhsefjgoijestokjpoijset...

and it goes on like that, the caretaker is a pretty interesting play. really it is. kinda. sorta. i like the whole parallel universe and screwed up dimension thing.

no i think the thing i've REALLY learnt and really scares me. yes, i learnt something these holidays. see, at least i managed to get something out of staring at my history notes everyday. the more i read my history notes, the more i really began to absorb, and it's scary but good. now i like history more than i ever did before. i can't say i LOVE it but i like it better as opposed to before when i just chose it because history sure beats physics/chem/any science thing. history. people think we learn about history so that we don't repeat the same mistakes. well, nah, i think that's inevitable. because human nature just cannot be changed, and hey, you just can't cheat divine will.

the fascinating thing about history is that i see it as man's constant search for identity, power, control. i mean, nationalism. always struggling against the control of this 'higher colonial power', establishing national identity. IDENTITY. we all want IDENTITY. and hey, this coincides with the thematic concern of pinter's play. so studying lit and history together just KEEPS on rubbing off something on the other. and it's cool.

and then there's communism. wow it's amazing. studying about red china - gosh, don't you guys feel SCARED? or this sense of morbid fascination with Mao. it amazes me, the hold he had on his people. The Little Red Book and how stuff from it was read out during communal workbreaks and how sentimentality and love and feelings for other people were forbidden because it was bourgeousie and how people cried when they saw him and sang communist hymns. it amazes me, because then, bam, i think of Brave New World, and then it becomes this lit thing for me all over again. because Mao created this whole other different world for them. he created their lives. he created rules for them to live their lives by. and it was such a lie.

and the scary thing is, it makes me question life NOW. how are we different from what it was like? we read all that stuff and we feel amazed that such things could happen - but how different are we from the past? WHO dictates the way we should live our lives? the government right? laws right? rules right? everything is set by standards people have. and we just live our lives accordingly. and we think that it's okay and it makes sense - but what if, what if the way we live our lives now, the way we're SUPPOSED to anyway in society - is one big LIE?

then our lives are BIG LIES.

and even if we think we're radical, and we live life by our own rules - it isn't really original because there's some mindset and some external influences that have contributed to the way we lead our so called different lives. so you think you're radical, but you're NOT. we're all just THE SAME. because everyone just blurs with everyone and nothing is ever really original - you can always trace it back to something from somewhere else. we're always conforming to something or the other. we always have the NEED to put a name on things, even if it's 'unnamed', 'unnamed' is STILL a name. is there REALLY such a thing as INDIVIDUALITY? does it REALLY exist? or is it something we like to say to make ourselves feel special?

oh and this other whole big thing about ethnicity? i know some people are going to scream and want me killed - but honestly i don't believe in the issue of race and roots. and all that rubbish about, 'isn't it so shameful that you can't speak chinese, cos you're chinese?' i don't subscribe to it at all. maybe that explains why my chinese turned out this way and you can laugh if you like - but i see no validity in that comment. i believe in diversity, i think it's wonderful to have different cultures but to use your 'roots' against you to justify how you SHOULD behave? that's hogwash. WHY do I have to learn chinese, just because I AM chinese? WHY? does it REALLLLLYYY matter? it struck me because i happened to have a conversation with my brother about roots and he was shocked that i held such views and said the MOE had wasted lots of money and time and education programmes on me since i had such a view. sure, race gives people a sense of belonging, it gives you some sort of comfort and some pride in something [when singapore won the soccer thing i assume we're supposed to feel proud] but this whole thing is just some small piece in the politics of a nation and it's a FALSE sense of belonging. why should you have to be PART of something BIGGER in this WORLD to belong?! there is God, and there is JUST GOD. and this whole stress on cultures - well, there are some cultural practices that are stupid and some that are plain morally WRONG. like that whole thing about the indian gang-raping because of different castes? isn't that sick and disgusting? but that's ancient culture right?

so we promote culture and roots, yet we want to get rid of an essential extremely traditional part of it [and damn right we should, but i'm just enforcing this point]? so we can keep the good and throw away the bad? then, isn't that so false, and so pretentious? that we expect culture to fit with our developing morality and with the changing times? so ... why stress on culture ANYWAY? since we're going to keep CHANGING it to suit US? there isn't really a point in having, culture, right? it's just an empty name.

the best thing about different roots and culture and all that stuff people like to call it? art. self-expression. feeling. art and literature because one can see the human feelings and ideas put across there. and love and passion and human idea is UNIVERSAL. it transcends all 'cultures', and that's the best part of it if i need choose one.

onward to the common tests.

+ posted by M @ 4:23 PM

...	Friday, March 18, 2005

love is a battlefield. 

+ posted by M @ 5:06 PM

...

two hot guys for the price of one. and they even have that whole mirror image thing going on. IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS. american teen drama has hit an all-time high, folks.  

+ posted by M @ 5:05 PM

...	Wednesday, March 16, 2005

you like who you like, you get what i mean? you like who you like.

+ posted by M @ 9:58 PM

...

after a long period of not having kazaa and a codec pack [cos it got deleted cos the computer people ever-so-kindly did it for me when i got my connection fixed - there wasn't even a virus, ARG], i've finally downloaded Ares [take that, kazaa] and a codec pack. so yes, i can stand on my own two feet now, will rely less on bea to feed my O.C addiction. yes. i've been religiously following it. just finished up episodes fourteen and fifteen of season two yesterday [courtesy of bea]. mandy wants marissa and ryan back, but i DON'T. why bring in lindsay just to kill her off after a while? she had so much potential as a character! and if they kill off alex it'll be a sad sad thing as well. not that i like alex and marissa together because alex can pull off the lesbian chick thing but marissa can't but still. alex has potential as a character, and it's fun watching marissa do laundry and clear up after herself. but oh, bring lindsay back please. let it culminate in some equally romantic scene that summer and seth shared in episode fourteen.

of course, the non-pirates won't understand a word of the above. but it's purely for my own satisfaction.

have also started downloading one tree hill [the series chad michael murray is in. a ha ha. so sue me, i do like his boyish good looks]. episode one to six is in the works. am very excited. contemplated downloading smallville stuff but i didn't even watch half of season two when it was showing here like how many years ago and obviously channel five didn't want to bring it back. maybe i should download a season four episode just to see how much has changed. but i'm too far behind and it's just not very interesting anymore. why am i doing all this? WHY? i'm a tv junkie. american television junkie - at least i'm not a reality tv junkie [which imo is far worse], but yes, i am an american tv junkie. i admit it, and i'm not proud of it.

STUDY MEL STUDY. i'm finding it very hard to keep to my study plan. but i'm going to use this as a source of motivation : just keep downloading one tree hill and watch all the goods after Common Tests. yes.

+ posted by M @ 1:44 PM

...	Monday, March 14, 2005

went to watch heffalump movie with cousins and sister today.

was nice and enjoyable.

and so, despite my parents asking me to wake up to reality, i've decided to embark on my own small art project on the side. and i've decided on LOVE, hope, faith. but mainly, love. and mainly, first loves.

good luck to me.

the pictures i like best aren't the ones where people are looking at the camera, they're the ones where people are looking at each other.

+ posted by M @ 9:58 PM

...	Sunday, March 13, 2005

just back from the UK university fair. and again i realize i really don't know what i want. somehow when i was younger i was more sure of myself. fairy at 6, artist and writer at 8, horserider at 9, teacher at 10, writer at 11 and 12, architect at 13 and 14, lit major at 15 and 16.

and at 17 and 18? nothing. nothing last year, nothing now. i've held the mindset so fiercely for two years that i'd be a lit major that my parents now think that's very much what i want, and it seems so very much like what i want the way they say it with such surety to their friends, 'my daughter wants to major in lit for university' that for those moments i believe again that it's what i want - but when i think about it, i really don't know if i've outgrown that dream or if i'm suffering from some identity crisis. everyone has the idea that's who i am, what i will be what i want - but i really don't know. literature is beautiful and wonderful but i'm beginning to see that there are other things i might want to do.

film. photography. architecture. art. design. sociology. social work. philosophy. religious studies.

it has hit me that if i choose literature, i'd have to spend another four years writing essays - when all i really ever need to appreciate literature is to read what i like. it seems very uninviting to do so and as though i just cannot move beyond what i've already known. i feel like i'm using my parent's money just to be more academic and write more essays. don't get me wrong, i love literature - but the jc experience and approach really has somewhat put me off.

i don't see myself having a 'real job'. yet i feel guilty spending my parents' money doing whatever i wish to study knowing it has no relevance to the family business and yet they oblige, letting me study literature when other parents would flip out. STILL, i am opposed to working in the family business and i really can't see myself working in the corporate world. the closest i could ever get would be architecture ...

what do i mean by not having a 'real job'? well. social work. the peace corp. advocating human rights. women's rights. something like this. something you don't really need a degree for. but perhaps sociology?

and then there's art, and running a deli, baking, film. i can see myself holding some demonstration, with a big placard, protesting a war, or demanding women's rights. hippie, feminist? but i just can't see myself in a suit, presenting proposals [even though i really do love architecture. buildings are wonderful statements and characters]. think my chosen professions trivial, but at this stage of my life, i've thought it over as seriously as an unsure insecure naive 18 year old can. and i don't know what i want to do, but i do know what i don't want to do.

i want to give people voices. make my voice heard.

and my biggest regret is not ever studying art in school. it's something i'm sort of rediscovering, being around vanessa and people like amanda poh, who i'm not close to but i really admire her art when she shows it to me. and well, i guess in a way njc has made me think about art more that lit - at least that much came out of it. but it'll be hard to do art in a UK university without any background or get into an art school. which i could do in the US. can't have it all. decisions. choices. futures. at the same time, i don't think i'm just that good enough to take art to a higher level and do it at university. i'm not as gifted as others who really CAN do art. given, i am more artistically talented than most people and i do love art - but i don't feel i'm good enough.

and i'm beginning to feel the same way with lit. it's frustrating, it really is for me right now when it comes to lit. when i used to be able to score like free in secondary school and now i can't get above a C and that would be okay for first year of jc but i'm already in my second year why are the grades not going up? it really bugs me. it really gets to me that i'm not taking Lit S. what am i not doing right. why can't i excel at it like i used to. maybe i just can't go beyond o levels. maybe i'm just that crippled.

maybe the idea of me being gifted in the arts was all a delusion, all a facade. and i'm left with nothingness.

what now, mel?

+ posted by M @ 4:10 PM

...

this week has been eventful. and much as it would provide substance for me to write about, i quite want to forget about this week and just move on.

so that's that. maybe if i feel better about myself and feel less emotional when tackling certain issues that have arose during the week i'll talk about it later. for now, this is just to let you know i'm still alive.

+ posted by M @ 10:58 AM

...	Monday, March 07, 2005

so i come back and find that my tagboard is screwed up. it's sort of like coming back to your home after vacation and finding that your house has been messed up by who knows what.

as usual i am blogging at the worst time ever to blog. i only ever have the urge to blog when there are 10974538475093485 other things for me to do. gay lo's assignment is breathing down my neck and champagne's assignment is tapping me on the shoulder. and then of course there's the common tests which is glaring at me harshly.

ah, life, sweet life.

so i never did get to watch million dollar baby because people prefer to watch movies like hitch and basically, hey, no one ever really wants to watch the movies i like until they chance upon it someday on a pirated vcd and they go, 'ITS REALLY GOOD' and then i say, 'yes, well i really wanted to watch that but no one wanted to so i had to rent it and yes it is really good.' or maybe, this goes a step further. it's not 'no one ever really wants to watch the movies i like', it becomes, 'no one ever really wants to watch movies with ME'.

now isn't that a very sad thought. honestly i can already see myself stuck in an apartment with 2309875787345 cats and spending all my money on cat food and furballs all over the place and me dying old and alone because i choke on one of them and WORSE, my body is found perhaps three months later because i have no friends to check up on me.

but seriously now, black comedy and stereotypical spinster death scene aside - i do feel alone. i'm beginning to feel very much alienated from everyone. yes, i feel alienated. i'm having an identity crisis. God i know that You say You are enough for me, and i know that Jesus is enough for me, but sometimes circumstances overtake facts, and i do feel ever so alone.

mesh.

+ posted by M @ 5:59 PM