you kai: bimbosss bimbosss!!
me: do you know that you're the only guy in a class of 19 girls?
you kai: so? what are they going to do to me? TALK MORE?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

am delirious. math AND chinese papers ON same day. i dont know who was the genius that came up with that combination. but seeing as the model njc student would have a problem with NEITHER - i only have myself to blame for not being MODEL njc student.

math. oh math. where do i begin? where does it end? if econs was mind-numbing hell - this was mind-grinding-smashing-mashing-bashing-roasting-smashing smashing smashing HELL.

it is a big joke, someone of my mathematical calibre sitting for an njc math exam. ha. and i was stupid enough to sit with the science class [me and my stupid mix ups again] so while everyone else around was scribbling furiously i just sat there playing with my pencil and staring at the clock. mouthed i'm doomed to bea a couple of times. watched henry sleep, all swaddled in his jacket. wrote a little bit. left big swiss cheese holes in my answer papers. contemplated on whether to write JESUS LOVES YOU! GOD LOVES YOU! at end of answers but then decided against it in case math marker was not christian and would take offense and deduct MORE MARKS. in which case would end up with negative score. trigo was apparently fifty percent of the paper but i didn't dare count marks so i don't know. anyway seeing as i didn't learn or study any trigo at all, skipped out those. and skipped out binomial too. and ap gp. and. you get the idea.

me: hmm. ten out of 100 is quite good you know. i hope i can get it. 1%! not bad.
you kai: what 1%?! MATH FAIL LAH.

yeah. oh my God. in other circumstances this would be very amusing. spent most of math paper thinking about Mrs Quek's speech anyway. and how this little CT would be just an extremely miniscule blip on my timeline - hence took on a bad devil may care attitude and decided it was actually funny to skip out all the 8 mark questions. i don't know why i found it so funny. i had to stifle my laughter. it would be highly insensitive to all the science students who took it seriously and wrote like there was no tomorrow. i, on the other hand, had lots of time and nothing to write.

like i said. delirious.

chinese. oh, chinese. well, as you know, chinese for me is a confirmed A1. i mean, i really amazed myself this time. i came up with new words and phrases never known to the history of the chinese race. what can i say, i am THE linguist.

all that translates to: IF MEL EVER DARES VENTURE INTO CHINESE EXAM WITHOUT HER DICTIONARY AGAIN PLEASE SHOOT HER.

yeah. i really feel as though my brain has evaporated into air. i am so delirious now i just keep laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing and i don't know why. lit tomorrow. lit has been my only saving grace all my life and i have a feeling it's not going to be good at all, tomorrow.

+ posted by M @ 6:52 PM

...	Tuesday, June 29, 2004

she looks like a hum chim pang - angela

suffered embarrassment at exam hall today. followed some guys into lt1 blindly thinking it was lt5. went in and didn't spot a single arts face. rushed out before telling teacher was going to check seating plan again and then went back in and still gazed around in a blur. saw ros and asked, 'where's the arts!?' then econs teacher spotted me and said in mixture of horror and amusement, 'MELISSA. you're NOT here!'

me: huh? isnt this lt5?
her: no! its lt1! lt5 is that WAY!

very. very. very. embarrassing. rushed into lt5 and arts fac burst out laughing - or at least sam did, VERY LOUDLY. i think it brought back memories of the time i rushed into sc lit lecture saying, 'sorry.. it slipped my mind!'

yes. very embarrassing. sat down and got handed question paper and for first five minutes had to control self from laughing at self. what ensued was the most mind-numbing hell i have ever experienced. econs is like written and printed brain damage. trust me, knocks you out GOOD.

no more sciencey brain cells left for math tomorrow after today.

+ posted by M @ 6:51 PM

...

'you can delete him from your phone, but can you delete him from your heart?' - chew zhaoxin

omgggg. zhao xinnnnnnn. well, here you are, immortalized in my blog. be happy. i have no response to that question which i think you meant as a rhetorical one, though the fixed answer i do not know. ha. do you understand?

45 minutes to econs ct. ha. ha. ha. and here i am. i'm delirious. have just learnt difference between demand and quantity demanded yesterday and finally understand SOME things. do hope can remember things. have been studying and praying at same time and listening to worship cds on end in order to calm nerves.

will need even more of that today when am trying to cram for math. ha. MATH MATH MATH. i know i'll fail but i have to try and get 20 marks. that sounds pretty good to me. anything about that would be nothing short of a miracle. in fact, i think 20 is pretty far-fetched for me already.

conversation which took place between me and person i sat next to during gp commons,

him: what qsn did you do?
me: um, ten [money cannot buy the most important things in life. do you agree?].
him: wow. cheeeem. i bet you disagreed.
me: of course i agreed!
him: but everyone else will agree. you should have disagreed so you stand out.
me: well, then i would sound so materialistic.
him: haha.. no lah...

...

what's the point of being unique when you aren't uniquely yourself. contrived opinion is no way to go no matter how many marks you think you will get out of it. one must write with passion and individual thought [even if everyone happens to think the same way. but cannot be helped because idea is somewhat universal]. tsk.

i'm still suffering from extreme insanity and dejection and heartbreak and goodness knows what else.

+ posted by M @ 1:20 PM

...	Monday, June 28, 2004

the one thing that's keeping me going is church.

yesterday after communion i sat up and the choir started singing He. my favourite worship song which i barely sing because i'm unable to find it and i can't really memorize the tune and lyrics well.

God is good, i've seen that He blesses me with an opportunity to sing it when i most need it - at my darkest times. the last time the choir sang it was also a dark period for me, as i remember it...

it brings tears to my eyes everytime i sing it.

+ posted by M @ 3:50 PM

...

i quote HOD of English, 'baptism by fire'

he's right. that's what the common tests are.

anyway, warning : do not attempt general paper with PMS if you have no control over it.

that's what i learnt today. especially during paper two. was staring at AQ question blankly for about ten minutes [in exam hall, that is like eternity] til the hormones kicked in and then i basically ranted and ranted about the rigidity of Singaporean society and the scolding culture and lack of discernment we possess. opinionated? YES. sane? NO. God, please save me.

but frankly, gp is ok. at least you will leave the exam hall doing what you were supposed to do - write till fingers die. then again, i only think that's what we should fulfil because when i think of exam i think of the humanities - the only papers i can get satisfying 'yay i have something to write!' feelings from. even if it's wrong, you know you have something to write. i don't think i can say the same for my upcoming math paper...

well. back to the grey uniform with military flaps and buttons. i'm sort of appreciative of these common tests in a funny way because at least we're spared of sitting through useless lessons with various other living deads and conditioned teachers. plus we get dismissed early! in fact maybe school should be like this all the time. just stay home and study and go for exams everyday. or minitests and quizzes. or some essay writing. that's how bad my school life is. that's just how bad. never thought i'd agree with my father when he said,

'exams are the best days of your life'.

i really hope this is all the PMS talking.

+ posted by M @ 2:06 PM

...	Sunday, June 27, 2004

Your logic may not root here says:
Thats a nice point mel. Now if i was an angry Gunbound fan, what would i say?
Ah yes. exactly this,
"You cant compare shakespeare to GB! Shakespeare is different, where all you do is sit in a weird chair and watch people in odd costumes talk weirdly. The plots are also cliche and cheesy. And you do nothing but sit there"
Your logic may not root here says:
However, there is a certain addicting touch to gunbound: rewards and goals
Your logic may not root here says:
You see mel, in gunbound, you are that sole worm (or vehicle). You turn only comes once in a while, unlike worms
Your logic may not root here says:
yes you return when you die
Your logic may not root here says:
But whenever you pull off a marvelous shot, or a win, you gain gold
Your logic may not root here says:
As this gold accumulates, it can be used to buy items that make you even more powerful. You also climb up in rank.
Your logic may not root here says:
prestige, popularity, and wealth. all in that little virtual world
Your logic may not root here says:
that is GB in a nutshell
Your logic may not root here says:
if you were listening, of course
lies. says:
delusion. escapism. STUPIDITY.
lies. says:
sounds like me.
Your logic may not root here says:
What sounds like you.
Your logic may not root here says:
a game?
lies. says:
the whole idea of wanting escape and only getting fake and temporary satisfaction [in this case, the 'gold']
lies. says:
all rather meaningless in the end isnt it.
Your logic may not root here says:
not in the real world no.
Your logic may not root here says:
But some find it entertaining
Your logic may not root here says:
to be superior
Your logic may not root here says:
"to have more gold than you"
Your logic may not root here says:
it is also a form of competition and challenge
lies. says:
urgh
lies. says:
male ego and whatnot
lies. says:
same goes with soccer
Your logic may not root here says:
Now please understand i am not defending gunbound. I am merely telling you what it is.
lies. says:
all abt feeding the damn male ego
Your logic may not root here says:
Not exactly mel. Apparently 40+% of the gunbound population is female.
lies. says:
stupid girls

i don't think i will ever understand what is so gripping about games such as gunbound, FIFA, NBA, runescape or whatever. at least warcraft has its qualities and drawpoints and so does MVC. i suppose my brothers will argue that i waste money on books while they waste money on computer games. in my case i really don't view it as a waste, but neither do they in their situation.. so. oh well. GP ct tmr. have really not studied any. not even the techniques. failing it will be like failing english and that will be an intolerable embarrassment which i'm trying to prepare myself for. in preparation for gp read the sunday times and am amused by the amount of coverage EURO 2004 gets. actually found self reading sports section because i find it highly entertaining how all these journalists slam and criticize beckham and critically compare rooney to pele. it's like an indepth review of a book, except this time it's how well a man uses his feet.

but passion is passion is passion [is it not?]

it's sort of amazing how sport draws the world together and inspires nations. these men are more than players chasing after a simply designed ball full of air. they are the hope of their respective countries. they represent some sort of invincibility every man dreams of but can never understand. just a little something i witnessed while watching the world cup.

watching soccer is seriously like fulfilling some sort of fantasy for guys. it's why that's all they talk about at the dining table. 'who do you think is going to win?' 'what's the name of that liverpool striker?' 'no! -so-and-so- is trash!' 'what is zidane doing?' 'they deserve to get kicked out! they sucked! i'm so angry!'

i think it's like how i'm able to watch You've Got Mail a million times and still enjoy it.

unfortunately i don't understand why guys always turn to mindless distractions such as wrestling and the ps2 to relax. on the contrary, girls seem to use their free time to seek more clarity and development of some sort.

alright, so shopping is not exactly an action of spiritual understanding.

though seriously everytime i look at soccer players i think of how they can barely speak properly and the air between their ears. who wants to marry one? not me. not you. not anyone. no matter how many matches girls subject themselves to just because fredrik ljungberg is playing. then again, maybe there are such superficial people in the world who can live with a feast for eyes but not for the brain.

ok i think this is just a bad case of pms. i don't really know what i'm talking about. i'm scared for gp because if i write like this in my expositary essay i will get an F, hands down.

+ posted by M @ 4:14 PM

...

why did france lose? check this for a likely explanation.

anyway. today is horrible because the one thing that's in my mind now is, in fact, 'WHY NOW?'

yes. why today when my CTs start tomorrow. why this week when it's the week i require my sanity most. why this immense abdominal muscle pain, NOW?

and i very much doubt that menstrual cramps and insanity due to hormonal imbalance can be used as excuses for a one week mc [and a failed CT].

'And when you'd finished running you'd be thousands of miles away from people who love you and your problem would still be there except you'd have nobody to help you.'

- from the book Looking for Alibrandi by Melina Marchetta

+ posted by M @ 1:27 PM

...	Friday, June 25, 2004

EVERYBODY'S FOOL music video by EVANESCENCE is GOOD. amy lee. wow.

+ posted by M @ 7:49 PM

...

mind keeps flashing back to scene in Bruce Almighty whereby jennifer aniston's character is lying on bed and crying about still loving Bruce and praying for God to help her stop.

Oh my God.

i really hated that movie, though. it's portrayal of God was really flippant and it brought up a lot of sensitive issues about my faith for me. i think it's just me.

anyway. on a more intriguing note..

my dad plopped the newsweek magazine next to me as i was typing up this morning's entry. it was opened to the page 'Was the Bard a Woman?' only read magazine after finishing this morning's entry and then couldn't resist itch to write about it.

Shakespeare may be a woman! a female! a corset wearing, puffy-haired, wax-faced COUNTESS OF PEMBROKE. frankly this news doesn't bother me much. because my reaction is mixed between, 'ha. i knew it. WOMAN. WOMANNNNNNNN.' and it really doesn't matter.

you may read more yourself on the internet/or purchase newsweek, for it is truly a fascinating piece of news!

it is so amazing, whenever i think about it. shakespeare has transcended names and identities - shakespeare is more than a name! it is just a name we give to someone who has written books - in actual fact, the name matters not. the person who wrote the plays matters not. whoever he or she is has been immortalized completely through sonnets and theatre. and the fact that people come together yearly and have discussions about his identity and try to solve this eternal mystery so many years after is just ... wonderful. why wonderful? you wonder why we should bother, but it is such that the human mind MUST know. the thirst for truth will always remain. and shakespeare just stands for the influence of literature on our minds, the very beauty of the truth it holds and its perfect ability to change our lives and our eyes.

truth, freedom, love and beauty! the things we live for, fight for, die for, all interlinked and the most important of all being LOVE!

literature is life. words are life. shakespeare is life. the very words with which we speak, write, think in - all wonderful. these small fingerprints we use to express. yes, words are like fingerprints! no two are the same! the very effect a certain arrangement has or a certain word has over the other. the delicate nuances. just like how carol wrote 'odour of fresh berries and sunflowers'. brilliant! if she had used 'scent', it would have been a complete different effect altogether! but of course she already knew that, and of course you already knew that because you FELT it.

we can feel words. even if we don't know them, we feel them, because we've been born with them in ourselves. this is something i've always believed. that we know every single word because we've been born knowing them [not just knowing, THEY'RE IN US. its INBORN] - just that sometimes we don't really KNOW what it is. and when you harness that part of you that FEELS the words, you are forimidable, powerful and even manipulative.

there is so much of this love, beauty, truth and freedom in the world - we create it, we live it, we breathe words.

+ posted by M @ 10:27 AM

...

have successfully sort of detached self from things. i hope.

yeah, who am i kidding.

anyway. life proved quite interesting last night. or this morning, whichever you choose. somehow had dream that was sketching strangely named place in hong kong. get this, i did it by using the movable window frame to focus on the skyline i wanted to start with first. but for some reason when i sat at certain spots, the skyline would flip and flip and fly about and change. gosh do you know what i'm talking about? it's inspired me to pick up sketching again though. the last time i sketched was during the UK trip and in portugal. i sketched a whole lot of churches which i then gave away to someone who ... once was special in life, to put it nicely. i shouldn't have given them away, on hindsight, even though i keep telling self i don't regret giving them away. but oh well, person who has it is still friend and i could always ask him to show them to me once in a while. i suppose i really don't mind too much, because that chapter is closed and the strings aren't left loose. and i can't very well take back the gift because it would be like yanking pages out and everything would be very misplaced and unhappy.

maybe this had something to do with the fact that i kept observing this man who was sketching outside coffee club. his drawing wasn't all that good, but he was extremely meticulous in the planning of his artwork. he lay out all the groundwork before slowly filling it in. so it wasn't like your usual smooth transition from flowers to trees [or what have you], it was like, 'rub away circle' and fill in with flower bud.

it amazes me, these people. i love seeing people like that. who just sit with a coffee and sketch out of love and hobby. it very much contradicts with singapore life. it is as though they are in their little world and everyone is just passing them by, unawares of how much they glow.

+ posted by M @ 9:09 AM

...	Wednesday, June 23, 2004

are you sure you want to send 'Memories' to the recycle bin?

+ posted by M @ 8:41 PM

...	Tuesday, June 22, 2004

i just got back from wonderful picnic at botanical gardens.

beatrice came over today and we attempted work but it was unsuccessful. i then collapsed onto bad in state of jetlag and refused to get up until chalene called up at 6.40 demanding i walk over to the gardens NOW.

so walked over with bea, brought cupcakes for them. saw them playing badminton by the lake and then soon after sat down and said grace together before eating. the swans were swimming around making strange honking noises and the weather was nice and overcast but not raining. i haven't done that for a long while, pray as a group, that is. one of the other regrets i have of nj is that i never joined the cf in the mornings because i'd come to school too late. i think i must make more effort. ate mix of stuff together and after that had our own worship session which was really nice. i haven't done that in a long time too. there were so many songs i wanted to sing suddenly, but in the end we just sang five. each of us picked one song to sing together. so you would come, because he lives, God of wonders, as the deer [i picked that!] and above all. chalene said prayers before each song and i did the closing prayer.

it felt really good to pray together and sing together and just be together after such a long time. the friendships i formed with scgs mates are really ones i will cherish forever and it's always with them that i really feel this pure happiness in my heart. it's beautiful, you know.

i haven't been so happy and so at ease for a long time. today i really felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and i didn't even have to say anything to them about it. just being with them made me all the better.

chiaying was complaining about how it was very dark and how she felt very isolated and weird because no one else seemed to be around in the park anymore and chalene said, 'don't worry! we already prayed for God to send his angels around us. one legion is 6000 you know!'

you have just got to love chalene.

after singing it got quite dark so we went to the food haven to sit and talk. we talked about UK trip days and barry the bus driver and i really missed it. then chalene had to go so i said i would walk back home [it is less than five minutes back] and she refused to let me because it was dark. so much for the legions of angels talk:)

i see that i really took all these things for granted and didn't see just how good i had it with all these wonderful friends. perhaps that's why God put me in njc, to test me and show me just how lucky i was. there are some days when i really do sit in my room and recount all the good times i've had and it's always with these people. and there are days when i remember how carol told me that in my room she got the sense that i was very much loved. and it is true. i still remember the crazy way sherm, angela and je put together a christmas card for me. i still look at the painted tile that dawn gave me. it's on my desk along with the book from the six of them. i have their hapen stand at the corner of my room and the pictures in my notebook. i have the shoes they gave me in my cupboard. and best of all, i have all the memories engraved into my soul. it's not just what they gave me, but what we gave charm for her birthday, what we did for kai, what we did for jen, what we did for jas, what we did for ying and what we did for yilin - how happy we made each other all the time and how happy i could make them. and i wish i could be around all these people who loved me once again but i know that i have to be content with seeing them when i can and not everyday like i used to.

i really thank God for giving me these people in my life because for now all i really have are the memories to keep my alive.

Crucified, laid behind a stone,
He lived to die, rejected and alone,
like a rose trampled on the ground
He took the fall, and thought of me
above all

+ posted by M @ 9:25 PM

...

last night was bad.

like, bad.

like, BAD.

and i mean, really bad.

yes i can't speak properly, my vocabulary has evaporated into thin air. spent good amount of time crying at desk and getting counselled. thanks to the people who put up with my horrible lack-of-inner-peace-self last night. really. i don't know if its the jet-lag or the severely -1000000000000000 self-esteem or john sloman - but it was just bad. its times like these when i really consider getting a prescription for prozac.

there are many times when i realize that if i didn't have God in my life i'd probably have jumped off the ledge long ago or be a hardcore cutter. and that's why i've made up my mind to go back to church on fridays. it's a decision i've been struggling with for quite some time, but i'm going to give it a chance again.

this is something i've got to face up to myself - why do i keep feeling this way? i just never used to be so self-destructive and pessimistic and overtly emotional AND SELF CENTRED. crying is just not something i do at the drop of the hat and those people who know me well know that letting it all out is just not my forte. writing on my blog day after day about how upset i am is not a thing i do either. i used to think about things more meaningful, but now all i'm faced with is a wall.

this is really highly detrimental to my writing. i'm unable to channel my negative energy into writing like before. instead i just sit on bed/chair/floor and cry eyes out.

THIS IS NOT ME. what is happening?

the one good thing is learning to talk more about it. i suppose, good for me, unfortunate for people who have to listen. normally i would tell no one about problems but this year i've somehow cracked open - maybe there's just too much pressure. maybe i just couldn't act like i used to before. maybe i just can't remain poker-faced all my life. or maybe this year i just happened to meet someone who seemed even more expressionless and emotionless than me. yes, old friends, if you think i'm poker-faced you should meet this friend i've made who makes me look like an emotional freak. i'm not joking. does that scare you? yes, i think it does. and at the same i don't like letting people know i'm in such a bad state because there's that conventional part of me that says : don't let them see you fall. so its a whole contradicting situation. tell people and feel better after letting it out but then after the whole thing wish had not said anything at all because it made self seem like a weak soul.

i believe there's this side of a person that she/he never lets anyone know about. be it dark, be it light, there is this side of a person she/he keeps secret because they're scared of the vulnerability and the truth. as though if exposed the truth would be made any more real. and after exposed, no one ever views you in the same way ever again. something in the way people look at you changes. and you lose complete control because then you aren't able to present yourself in the way that you are sure will garner only a certain predictable reaction.

it's not about being fake, it's about fear.

maybe i've been like this all along, and i'm scared because people are finding out about this side of me i always hid. and it's not me, yet it's me - but they don't know that and i don't want them to think this is ME because while it is, IT ISN'T.

do i make sense?

+ posted by M @ 11:47 AM

...	Monday, June 21, 2004

mel, sitting in front of your economics textbook and crying and blowing your nose on your towel because you're feeling inadequate and jetlagged and guilty and depressed and just so lousy is not going to get you a pass. all it does is make the pages of your textbook which you paid fifty dollars for [mind you] - soggy.

sometimes i wonder, the pills, the jump, it all looks too easy.

+ posted by M @ 10:31 PM

...

hol-i-day n : A day free from work that one may spend at leisure, especially a day on which custom or the law dictates a halting of general business activity to commemorate or celebrate a particular event.

darnit. as i stare sullenly at john sloman economics textbook version 100000000000000, all i can imagine in head is bespectacled, senseless moe civil servant saying in eureka fashion,

'i know! let's have the common tests/mid terms/block tests after the june holidays! that way students will have ample amount of time to study. oh, social life, you say? oh my, what is that? travelling abroad? gosh - they should stay here and contribute to our wretched singaporean economy! yes. this is the best solution. students don't need holidays. they won't be getting any in their dreary future to come!'

to which all his colleagues grin stupidly and wonder why they never came up with such a brilliant idea themselves earlier.

and of course you say its all a matter of balancing work and play. but dammit i have had enough of that. i mean how stupid is it to put exams after a holiday - WHY GIVE US A HOLIDAY?

can someone please explain. in fact, i do hope a government official chances upon this. maybe then i will have a chance of being banished to siberia where they probably do at least know the meaning of holiday.

+ posted by M @ 4:20 PM

...	Sunday, June 20, 2004

i'm terribly jetlagged, but i'm okay.

and eventually i will forget you.

anyway. the trip. my apparent holiday.

i think i'll just share little snippets as and when. it was no big self-discovery thing for me or soothing getaway. just a lot of stress and anxiety and insanity.

one of the highlights though, was talking [or rather listening] to the english professor at brown university.

its not easy meeting all these strangers and basically having to act all chummy so when he asked me what i liked to read outside of textbook i more or less froze up. but i managed to utter, 'hemingway' and then that set him off because he had a lot to say about hemingway.

he told me about how hemingway had a very disciplined style of writing, so much so that if you removed one word, or added another word to the sentence - it would collapse completely. how hemingway broke the rules of structure and grammar and punctuation yet if it were done any differently it would be all wrong. how hemingway's writing was 'there'. not 'there' like a reference to a place but quite simply, 'there', like how we would say 'the pen is there, on the table'. his writing was a complete whole object. how hemingway said 'make it up' and people thought it meant to conjure a story but he really just meant - 'make it up' in the way that someone constructs something inanimate. how his writing was just.. so.. THERE. for lack of a better description.

it's quite amazing.

+ posted by M @ 9:35 PM

...

okayyy, so i'm back and i'm quite happy [yes. IM HAPPY!].

got back to a letter from kai and various happy things. and finally, am able to distance selves from siblings and parents [dont get me wrong] because being crammed with two brothers in hotel room/car through trip is seriously no good for my sanity.

trip was very busy. i lugged all my notes and textbooks along in true mugger fashion and didn't study a single word. so, i'm dead.

thanks to sherm for helping me edit my blog. thanks to people who smsed me during trip and helped me stay alive [esp daryl. really.. we may not be close but you helped out a lot when i really needed it. don't feel stupid]

thanks to brit and kai rui for letters! its so nice! and then, on tuesday there is picnic with sc girls in botanic gardens! am so happy. am just so overjoyed. i love these people. i love love love love love love love these people. can't wait to talk to jen when she gets back. can't wait to get my life back. can't wait to start going for rciy again. can't wait can't wait can't wait just so happy to be home..

more serious stuff later.

+ posted by M @ 9:43 AM

...

and i say, you've gotta keep on moving, keep on moving, keep on moving --

don't look back

+ posted by M @ 8:42 AM

...	Sunday, June 06, 2004

i will still be contactable in the US by sms. take note, all.

smses reading:

'mel i miss you and love you so much and i am thinking of you'

will be accepted and are highly encouraged.

smses reading:

'mel i miss you and love you so much and í am thinking of you ... please buy me some new clothes please please please'

will be ignored and are highly discouraged.

do not expect many replies because while it costs you the same to sms me [singapore ten cents?] it will cost me the US fee to reply you.



edit: take care mel, we love you.

+ posted by M @ 11:56 PM

...	Saturday, June 05, 2004

llllll tense: hey..
llllll tense: some people love keeping pretty paper bags.
llllll tense: it's not everyone that throws their bags
away.
llllll tense: and when you find some guy that finds you
pretty.
llllll tense: then he'll keep you.
llllll tense: okayy?

... um, thanks daryl. not the point, but it provided me some much needed comic relief.

+ posted by M @ 9:22 PM

...

i feel like a paperbag. an ugly, brown, cheap paper bag.

sure, paper bags are useful. they carry whatever you put in them until the load is just too much - and then they break. and then you think, 'oh, useless paperbag, why do you break?'you never think that perhaps the paperbag has its limits. and after that, paperbags are just disposed of by whoever it was that was using it/using me.

paperbags are blown up easily, puffed up by hot air till they inflate. and then you think the paperbag is quite happy, floating above everyone else - but paperbags are more easily crushed than inflated. you blow it up and you crush it and then you repeat the process a few times for the purpose of amusing yourself. the paperbag is at the mercy of your fist. it provides you good entertainment. and once it is too battered by the crushing - so much so that it can't inflate anymore when you breathe into it - you simply throw it away/throw me away. and you think again, 'oh, useless paperbag, why do you break?'

yes, that's me - disposable, worthless and perishable.

+ posted by M @ 10:28 AM

...	Thursday, June 03, 2004

people like daryl are so sweet [smiles to self]

anyway. i will talk about yesterday. and then i will talk about some other things. and then i will get off and go to school for math and history which starts at twelve. and then i will meet jenny at venezia and have a good long hearty chat with her. i love love love love love love jen. and then i will go home and hope that a certain friend of mine actually has time for me. if not, so be it [deep sigh]. i still have to decide whether i want to go for dinner with ex-njcians or go for festival of praise this friday [which is tomorrow]. how now?

it's amazing how one bland-looking, st nicks girl can change and shape your entire day and your whole self-esteem structure. frankly i think that she has more of an effect on beatrice than me - even though bea doesn't even find -ahem-ahem- attractive. so we are shopping at guess because the sign outside says 50% OFF SEASONAL CLEARANCE. and i happen to spot her because i can spot her from a mile away. my eyes are trained to do so because usually, spotting her equates spotting eyecandy boyfriend shortly after. she had her hair up like she does in school [high up with a pink band and those on-purpose 'feelers' in front] and she was wearing Levi's jeans [i swear she was wearing Levi's but bea thinks otherwise] and a white t-shirt. she was with a friend whom bea describes as the typical st nicks ah lian. she stared at me, surprised, and then went out of the shop.

and this was priceless, zx's first reaction was, 'why is she so damn ugly?' what made it even funnier was that it wasn't meant to be malicious - it was just an instinctive reaction.

seeing her just makes me feel bad. i know it isn't her fault, that she is a completely innocent party and we shouldn't be this critical - but it just makes us [bea even more so] feel bad. so i purchased a guess skirt that's cute and flouncy and black and white and if i just keep thinking about all the dunks and flats and heels i'll be getting from the US i'm sure i will be much happier. yes, i am the epitome of materialism - but like sherm says, 'yes, clothes are nice. but thats not exactly what you need now right.' sadly, he's just too right. [i need YOU sherm. haha. ok, you know what i really mean and really need.]

we had to bump into her twice. we saw her again at the wisma underpass and this time she and her friend turned around on purpose to look at us. to which bea offers this consoling reason, 'they're just jealous that they don't look half as good.' unfortunately, i don't have the self-confidence to believe that.

i am aware this entry sounds largely bimbotic but ARGH WHY DID I HAVE TO SEE HER.

anyway, after that we met mandy for dinner and then came to my house to watch Ms. Universe. Australia won. AUSTRALIA. why? well i shouldn't judge too much because i missed the last q and a because i was watching disney.

i don't like how my holidays are going.

+ posted by M @ 11:02 AM

...

quote of the day from chew zhaoxin

why's she so damn ugly?

+ posted by M @ 12:54 AM

...	Tuesday, June 01, 2004

i do want to live, ever so badly.

i want life to stun me like a sunburst, the way juice trickles down your chin when you bite into a big fat juicy strawberry, the way your hands get sticky when you eat a peach whole, the way my sister runs around the house screaming and laughing, i want to be overwhelmed with so many colours that my eyes see only colours and blurs of colours and streaks of orange and pink and yellow and blue and that half-smile of yours and the sorrow of your eyes. i want to stand back and think to myself - this is my life that is worth living. i want to go for a poetry reading at martin place and sit there and be amazed and soak in all the words you say and live on them. i want to paint sunflowers and swirls of thick oil paint and get strokes of colour all over the floor, all over my room, all over my skin. i want to love you, if only you'd let me. i want to sit in a coffee place in a big cushy chair and read for hours on end, amidst the buzz and warmth of people commiserating or studying or chatting and laugh out loud at the funny bits and cry when i feel like it, and have everyone else think i've gone insane. i want to slip notes in between the books at borders - silly notes, serious notes, lovey notes - to surprise the random person that buys those books i love. i want to get over my pain and regret and not let it hold me down and realize that this pain and regret makes me human -this ability to feel, it is human, it is beautiful. i want to write till my fingers go numb and then kiss them afterwards and thank my hands for doing me well.

life is beautiful.

+ posted by M @ 7:02 PM