here goes the college count:

University of Chicago - accepted
Brandeis University - accepted
Reed College - accepted
Barnard College - rejected
Vassar College - deferred
BU - the website is crappy and i don't really care (probably a reject though because i totally forgot to pay the app fees)
Brown - pending

gee. i think i more or less got accepted at the schools that i knew i was 'meant for', meaning the schools i thought would fit me best. the admissions people always said something along the lines of 'if you belong here, you will get accepted here', which i think is kind of true. i think it's still chicago for me because of the parents (clearly the most prestigious school on the list other than brown) but i hear brandeis has taken in a whole bunch of theatre aficianados this year which makes it exciting, and reed is, well, reed! i'd really like to visit the schools but my parents seem awfully reluctant. i've never been to oregon or chicago before and i don't want to make up my mind without going there to look first. we'll see how it goes, i'm really not expecting anything very good from Brown anyway.

+ posted by M @ 10:56 AM

...	Wednesday, March 29, 2006

why is it that more often than not i find people are in love with the idea of a person rather than the person. and the most common and cliched retort of choice is, 'you don't even know me!' which really isn't half wrong, in most cases.

tuesday's $500 poetry slam at velvet was okay, most of the teams competing were quite forgettable and unimpressive. and if i remember most of them, it was only because they annoyed me. in particular Private Function was quite clever and entertaining i think - i actually remembered all of their performance pieces though i thought their last was filled with time-killers. The Kuehkuehs impressed me, particularly the front girl who read in her quietly passionate voice in such a way that sometimes you think she couldn't breathe for want of just saying it all, forever. i still felt that their poetry was disjointed though, and as such, i really can't say i'm very satisfied with what i saw that night. most of the groups were either very dramatic or did tons of poems that had political agendas. don't get me wrong, i'm all for political and social change and all but when you harp on the education system and the singaporean dream for like 5 poems tonight it gets quite grating, particularly when the poetry was not that good. also, i think word forward is in DESPERATE need of young blood - they need new poetry slam masters. and, ray mcniece was really not all that impressive.

the poetry slam dilutes drama and dilutes poetry? perhaps. on the whole, i don't think poetry slam is really my thing, i would never do it myself. but sometimes it is fun to see what people come up with and to catch a glimpse of the other poetry being written in this little country i live in.

sometimes i very much wish i could throw my phone away. but if i do, how will i ever get to know about EVERYTHING? because people only ever call my cell now and never my home - and i find it's the only number i ever give out anyway.

the short message system

day and night, silently sneakily
it vibrates
accumulating words that are
better said than typed

spilling over with
commas, meaningless smileys

heartbreak euphoria mundanity
details encouragement (sincerity?) work
it seems wrong they should be displayed:
piled on top of each other
on the coloured screen (32 bit)

like how curry and dessert should not be
kept on the same plate
like how on the bus we apologize
for brushing our hand against a stranger's
like how we refuse to let
work and play mix the other up

i thought it would grow
heavier (with each message received)
sometimes i think it
will explode

but still i hold it in my hand.

+ posted by M @ 9:38 PM

...

!!!

i have dipped my fingers into way too many pies.

i start work with cedele on monday - will be waitressing part-time. and then this morning after emailing like the WHOLE list of theatre companies as well as some art insitutes listed on the NAC website i've gotten quite a few replies and how do i say no?! because, i asked them and led them to believe that maybe they were the only ones ... i feel like i'm committing infidelity here.

at first i thought it was just between wild rice and the substation for me and then i didn't notice wild rice replied because i was blur and so i excitedly emailed the substation in such a manner which screamed, 'YES, I'M TAKING IT'. and now i've realized wild rice DID reply and HOW am i going to juggle?! i have received replies from The Necessary Stage, The Players Theatre, The Toy Factory, Theatreworks as well. i really didn't expect them to be so forthcoming, but then i should have known better - SAM was a government organization thing, these companies are still struggling independently and take whatever help they need. they can't be so snobby about it. so how now? all of them are big names and i'd like to do it all if i could, but frankly, i know me. i know that after two months with the substation i'll be determined to try something else instead of hop on to another theatre company. then again, the substation is more of an arts centre rather than a theatre company and ... WILD RICE - ALFIAN! and, ALFIAN. and, well, ALFIAN.

seriously. wild rice - alfian sa'at and ivan heng. largely because of alfian. sigh, what to do?

+ posted by M @ 1:46 AM

...	Monday, March 27, 2006

i'm not in a very good mood right now. possibly the worst i've been since the year started because i don't have a job.

oh my goodness. it's always like this with me, i always need to be doing something or else i simply exist and do not feel HERE.

you know, you spent the whole of your A level year dreaming of all the things you'd do with all this time and now that you have it, it's just like, whoa! go faster already! i spent quite a lot of time reflecting and reading my old entries today. i somehow feel i was more poetic and dare i say, intelligent, last year. now i just feel rather stupid and unstimulated.

this is really not very good. i'm going to miss Zhaowei terribly and i know it, but i don't regret moving on to something else, though it seems i have nothing to move on to now.

worst of all, not being busy and working makes me so aware of so many other things ... most of all, your absence.

+ posted by M @ 11:16 PM

...

so after not drawing for a very long time, the first thing i draw is spiderman. obviously.

actually it was my first time doing spiderman properly (apart from the whole comic book stint as a kid) and inking it. it's for E, because i'm leaving my internship and he has really been a great boss. DSC and SAM refuse to reply me, as well as starbucks so it looks like i'll be free for quite some time. so you can call me, and take me out now that you all finally have the chance to.



i've forgotten how fun doing things like this can be - copying, sketching and inking. it's all just about concentrating on getting it to resemble the original as much as possible, getting the lines right, getting the shading right, just getting it to look THAT way. not entirely effortless, but a lot easier than actually really creating something of your own.

+ posted by M @ 2:41 PM

...	Sunday, March 26, 2006

because it pays to have friends in high places (namely, friends working in cake shops. namely, awfully chocolate cake shops)







by the way, i felt like i should let you know that awfully chocolate ice cream contains 47% fat as compared to haagen dazs ice cream which contains 21% fat. think about that the next time you eat their damn good chocolate ice cream and have a nice day.

+ posted by M @ 4:03 PM

...	Saturday, March 25, 2006

it's come to a point in time where '90s music is considered pretty retro. the goo goo dolls, gin blossoms, blessed union of souls, counting crows, ben folds, third eye blind, our lady peace to name a few. some have faded away and are only remembered by people who have been around long enough. and i've been around long enough to just remember some of it. incredible. i should make a 90s music mixCD or something. i still remember when 'iris' and aerosmith's 'i don't want to miss a thing' were anthems in my day and were overplayed on mtv, radio, everything. 'iris' was the number one teenage angst anthem, when people would wail, 'and i don't want the world to seeee meeeee, cos i don't think that they'd understanddddd' just to sound angsty.

it sounds very cheesy right now. that song is major cheese, on retrospect.

wow, i do sound old. like i said, my tastes in music are cyclical - i think i'm going through some sort of easy listening '90s phase now.

you will say we've got nothing in common
no common ground to start from
and we're falling apart

you will say the world has come between us
our lives have come between us
still i know you just don't care

and i said what about breakfast at tiffany's
she said i think i remember the film
and as i recall i think we both kinda liked it
and i said well that's the one thing we've got

i see you, you're the only one who knew me
but now your eyes see through me
i guess i was wrong
so what now
it's plain to see we're over
and i hate when things are over
and so much is left undone

oh, and one thing i really like about '90s music? radiohead.

+ posted by M @ 1:13 PM

...	Thursday, March 23, 2006

i went to starbucks to fill in the employment form today. it has dawned on me that, 'yeah, the pay really is rubbish' and also they want my time for 6 months! which is just unbelievable. it seems working really hasn't taught me much in the quite important aspect i was supposed to learn about (grammatically wrong, but uh) - COMMITMENT. i remember writing about commitment earlier this year just as i was about to start my job, and right now i STILL have commitment issues. i mean, even a job like zhaowei can't get me to stay? i like to think i'm too young to think about commitment but there has to come a day when i'll finally stop thinking that way and i don't see it coming any time soon when it really should be, i think.

anyway, i've gotten very keen on getting myself something at SAM (singapore art museum) and if they don't reply my enquiry i think i just might call them up, or even head down there personally. island creamery is also hiring but it doesn't seem all that interesting a place to work at - you only ever meet jc kids there (whom i cannot stand seeing around in town, i know it's bad of me to think that way, but really!) and it's full time and stanley seems like a pretty uptight boss. but the good thing is, no uniform? working around bukit timah is just so boring.

i'm just really hoping SAM takes me. and not for admin or anything, but to help with their collections or something! otherwise it would be quite a useless thing. i know i said i wanted a break, but if this opportunity comes along i will not let it pass me by. maybe i should concentrate on the cupcake business but i somehow feel i need a little job on the side at the very least to help me stay grounded. does that sound weird? basically, i NEED routine, much as i hate to admit it.

is it selfish of me not to want to volunteer at any help centre right now? i have the morbid idea i'll get posted to selling things on the street which i HATE and also, i really can't see myself wanting to relief teach and mark homework and prepare lessons and deal with irksome students and ... gosh, maybe now i understand why my teachers were so closed off to us now.

and also, a random note. Sufjan Stevens!

+ posted by M @ 1:08 AM

...	Tuesday, March 21, 2006

so i have no work until monday because E and the rest of the guys are away for the hong kong film market thingy.

it just makes it all the harder to decide right now. i know i said that while in the maldives i would think of what i wanted and whether i was going to leave this job for something else but at this moment i still do not know! part of me RIGHT NOW wants to quit, but part of me knows that when i get back to the office i'll feel like i don't want to leave because there's so much going on and so much to be a part of (hello, it's zhaowei!). that's the problem with fulfilling internships, despite the fact that i lack a life and pay because of it.

i suppose it's the typical Singaporean mentality - scared of 'missing out'. but i have to think about this logically, i'm only 19 and not even in university and i've already had so many opportunities this year and i'm bound to have more during uni and after uni so i should just let myself relax and do what i DO want to do which is work a 3 day job at starbucks (e.g slack) and use the rest of the time to learn driving, read, do art and all those things i complain i have no time to do. i mean, i haven't watched a movie in ages!

provided starbucks will hire me. well, whatever. despite all these things i am just going to head down and fill up the form tomorrow. i think.

decisions, decisions!! and it's not even april yet.

+ posted by M @ 1:16 PM

...	Monday, March 20, 2006

i've just woken up from my long sleep in my very comfortable bed, in my very comfortable airconditioned room and for the first time in days i actually feel CLEAN. it really is a relief to be back, though i do wish that i could have stayed there much longer!

other than that, i'm feeling very very kendhikolhudhoo-sick at this moment. have already received some sms from the villagers there, which i really did not expect when i gave my number out. i guess we really meant a lot more to these people than we realized. the problem is, like i discussed with my friends, even when we call them it's not easy to communicate, since over there we communicated mainly by gestures and expressions (particularly when the ones i was closest to were of the age below 10).

i feel sad for them that they're so attached to us. i know already how easy it will be for us to move on once we get caught up in the rush of everything back here while they apparently spend the rest of their time thinking of us till the next batch of volunteers arrive. apparently the kids never forget us even though i suspect they will. but at the same time i feel there is something good about living in such a secluded area in the world. already from comparing just Male and Kendhi, i could feel the stark difference in the nature of the people and life. things just feel so much more sincere and genuine and safe there, somehow. i never thought i'd be able to really appreciate the simplicity of village life but now i do.

i've also learnt more things about people in general, and have had my previous impressions of certain people altered in very drastic measures - it feels good to know you were wrong about some people, sometimes.

i want to go back next year, but i don't know how realistic that possibility is. already liang hui is making plans about sending stuff to them when he goes next year, but sad to say i'm not as sure i'll make it back as he is.

and i do not want to go back to work so soon, i want desperately to have japanese food and i don't think i can eat tuna for the next year or so.

+ posted by M @ 1:39 AM

...	Wednesday, March 08, 2006

so i'm leaving tomorrow, and missing the wrap party which is really very sad.

zhaowei has moved from room 149 to a real office - or at least a place that resembles an office more than the hotel room we used. i liked working in a hotel room. it was very rock and roll and we had odd things lying all about like a beetle hat. i guess we'll still have those odd things lying around but it won't be the same as working in a place with big couches you can lie on and it's just so very 2046.

plus the new office will be upstairs so we'll have to walk more

but then again i haven't even seen it, i shall see what my new workspace looks like when i'm back from the maldives.

i don't really know why, but i absolutely love working in a hotel. i don't think i'd like working in the hotel line, but i love having the office in a hotel room and walking up and down the corridors filled with rooms and piped music and walking past the japanese tourists having hi-tea every afternoon and watching the blonde head waitress fuss about everything and always look so stern and uptight and i feel like telling her to loosen up and having the pianist around and being constantly amused by the Indian shopkeepers (of the silk tie and suit shops just opposite each other) chatting about incongrous things every time i make my way past them to the executive office, and knowing the little 'secret' backdoors of the hotel and feeling like hotel staff yet not being one!

working in a hotel is just so so very interesting for people-watchers. there are so many people around and it's just ... people! i think the experience in zhaowei has been very surreal because i feel like i'm in this completely different world and it's just so.. topsy turvy. i'm an office-worker, pencil-pusher and yet i'm not.

i would love to work in little india or chinatown, one of those shophouse-offices in bukit pasoh and i want very much to go and see the graffiti in rochor road. yes.

+ posted by M @ 6:15 PM

...	Sunday, March 05, 2006

will be leaving for Kendhikolhu, Maldives this coming thursday with NJC on their annual CIP trip. so basically, i'll be something a VOLUNTARILY returning senior. i find it rather ironic that i'm going back to my njc roots (oh dear) after i waited so very long to leave the school! but it was not as bad as i thought it would be, after going for my first meeting and feeling a bit overwhelmed and thinking 'why am i going back to njc? why!?' but then seeing some familiar faces and i get a good vibe about the kids generally and i think we'll get along fine. why do i call them kids? i'm not that much older than some of them! they seem to like being in front of the camera, which is a cool thing.

!!!

kendhikolhu kendhikolhu kendhikolhu! try saying that three times really fast! i think i shall just call it candyland, though it is anything but. anyway i was feeling a little out of sorts and apprehensive about the trip after wednesday but now i am very psyched. will have 10 days to film (i suppose I AM fulfilling my ambition of being a DoP at least ONCE! though without any crew but myself, literally. and i am still not entirely sure how to work the camera which is insane!), and will be teaching baking to the villagers (though out from betty crocker mix because it is too cumbersome to bring all the ingredients there!) and will have time away from the world to think about what i need to do for the next few months i'm still here (i.e, should i quit the internship or not? it is a very hard decision, really).

i still haven't bought a lot of things that i require for the trip. i do not have a wardrobe that is suitable for, well, the wilderness and it really shows. as usual, i am being last minute and procrastinating but i'm really looking forward to this and hope all will be well despite the blazing hot weather, the lack of internet and 'civilized' foodstuffs!

a lot of people assume immediately that i'm going to study film just because of the nature of my internship, but it really is not so. i'm far from having made up my mind yet and i've got two years to think about it (or so i like to think).

+ posted by M @ 5:36 PM

...	Thursday, March 02, 2006

the a levels.

so many people have been smsing me and i suppose i have ignored quite a few of them because i simply did not feel like talking. so i suppose i might as well write about it.

i did well, and then i did not do well. i don't really know what to say about my grades other than the fact that i was really upset by my math grade. it also feels very overwhelming to see people crying (especially ones you've never seen break down before) when i myself felt like crying but didn't because i don't do the whole crying in public thing. eventually during ash wednesday mass while singing the hymns i just really couldn't keep from it any longer.

i guess i should focus on the positive, i don't know? but it's human nature to just look at that grade and get so bogged down by it. if i think about it rationally - i got an A for lit, not just everyone gets As for A level lit. yes? i don't know.

i know this entry explains nothing, but i'm not looking to discuss my a levels with anyone anymore after yesterday because it's over. i was given one day to cross from the past to the present and i am spending today adjusting. from here on, all i shall think about is university in september and what i shall fill my time with from now to then. and once may comes i will live in greater certainty of where i'm going to end up for the next four years. it's over and i'm more than happy to close the chapter on my singaporean education.

+ posted by M @ 12:33 PM