okay, so it's new year's eve, the rest of my RD applications are due REALLY soon and i have not done them up properly. AHH. shall we say AHHHH?! lucky for the time difference, BUT STILL OMG?!

the life of the procrastinator is a horrible one. i want a chicago t-shirt. i have a tshirt with words about new york on it. i have a boston lobster (?) shirt. and there are plenty of california shirts being sold all over the place (that don't interest me. East Coast pride, man) but what i really want is a CHICAGO t-shirt! am obsessed with all things Chicago and want to learn much more about the city itself.

anyway, on a more retrospective, introspective note, it's new year's eve. it will be 2006 soon. i feel like new year's eve is overrated because so far all my past new year's eves have been full of promise but the years following them haven't exactly lived up. i clearly remember chancing upon something i wrote about 2004 two years ago (on the brink of njc life) and i wrote that 2004 would be a special year where big things would happen and so on.

well, not really. i don't think anything BIG BIG has really happened to me these past two years of my JC life chapter. so, no, i don't have a special tingly feeling about 2006. and even if i do, it's just romanticism. i don't expect big things out of 2006, i don't expect my life to magically change, but i'll give it one thing. university is a heck lot bigger than JC, and going away to Chicago (if i really eventually get to go) will be BIG. so yes, 2006 will be exciting! i will get to work, i will hopefully get to travel on my own, i will get to drive, i will get to experience life without school for six months and maybe i'll discover more about myself without being bogged down by the superfluous things such as school which have sucked my time for the past 12 years of my life.

somehow i feel i can't have 2004 without 2005. these years can't be viewed separately. they're like two years rolled into one, honestly. how many people feel that way? it's all because of jc, i tell you. so, the last two years will be CLOSED, OVER, DONE, GOODBYE! i want to really really neatly close this chapter of my life and mooooooove on. there are some people who will be left behind, some people i've met (though not through jc life) that i will still talk to, some i won't. whichever. the people i'm STILL talking to today (especially mandy and bea! yes, life support in njc!) - you mean a lot to me (!), here's to another year of friendship with you guys. and YOU, you may not know it, but you've always been there and for that i thank you and i look forward to yet another year with you. you're one of the few who didn't really succumb to the jc pause button and it's great! it's very exciting, isn't it?

it's funny, but ever since jc has been over, it's like my life has started again. jc was just this big PAUSE BUTTON which stayed on for two years. now that it's over, i've gone back to how life was before jc, pretty much. i can meet the gang now more than ever - during the two years we barely met because we were so tied down with jc things. lately we've seen each other more than we have in two years! we've just gravitated back to each other, and at the end of it all i think we're just really the ones who are going to stick together. it's like we're taking this free time after 2 years of barely talking to really carry on where we left off and it's just going on like we never ended! it was a bit unnatural at first, to be able to see each other so often but it's really great and i'm glad we're meeting again next wednesday even though i just saw them last night!

so i think right now it's just all about the people people people these past two years. the people i love who have stayed with me right through and now that it's over, YES, NEW BEGINNINGS TOGETHER! and i'm feeling very happy right now and i don't really have many reflective things to say because what the hell, New Year's Eve reflections and countdowns and whatnot are OVERRATED and i'm just going to let the year unfold in the way it inevitably will.

+ posted by M @ 7:10 PM

...

US. short of three others. it's always us four!  

+ posted by M @ 12:05 AM

...

pretty lights  

+ posted by M @ 12:04 AM

...

more pretty lights. bright, sparkly, shiny.  

+ posted by M @ 12:04 AM

...

with the turkish ice cream guy at far east plaza. very interesting and good food.  

+ posted by M @ 12:04 AM

...	Friday, December 30, 2005

life support 

+ posted by M @ 6:13 PM

...

i watched the Narnia movie today. possibly the best movie i have caught in the cinema all year ... okay, maybe not the best by my typical standards but this movie really made me reach deep within myself about my faith, which isn't something i've done a lot this year.

technically, i thought the casting was superb as well as the acting. the acting was fantastic among all the leads, but in particular the girl playing Lucy impressed me very much. at first sight i was wondering how she would handle the role since it was such a heavy role for such a young girl but as the movie progressed i was really taken with her performance. good stuff! she > dakota fanning (whom i have never watched and don't care much to watch).

but on to the personal bit. i haven't actually watched Narnia or read it since i was a child and watched the cartoon all the time with my brothers (it was my favourite). Narnia will really have a special place in our childhoods - because of Narnia we all grew up thinking Turkish Delight was probably the best thing on earth until i finally got to try it and didn't like it. there's something about this story that really brings back childhood memories, and i think we could all relate to it. anyhow, being a child, i never fully understood the significance of it. from talking to people and from growing up i eventually came to find out that the story has Christian undertones (brother is reading CS Lewis' other nonfictional works and talks about them a lot) but it was not until i rewatched the story today that i really understood the significance of the work.

i think anyone who watches this movie without understanding the real significance of the message is just wasting their time, because that's what Narnia is REALLY about - The Sacrifice and God's inevitable kingdom. they are really wasting their time. because if you strip away all the great acting and the marvelous costumes and general amazing epic fantasy feel of the movie and you don't understand and relate to the REAL message, then it is just an exciting but hollow piece of junk you're watching. i don't cry while watching movies in cinemas. i've never felt comfortable crying when i'm crowded by people (strangers or non strangers) yet i cried at this movie so very much today. when Aslan was giving his life in return for Edmund's ... that whole stretch of scene really brought out something in me that i have not realized or felt this whole year. i have gone through this whole year so pathetically. sure, i pray at night and i go to church on sunday but i really had forgotten the real meaning of what it is Christ did for us. it is really a powerful thing to REALIZE that the sinless Christ suffered humiliation and died willingly for us sinners, and i couldn't help but cry. you just cannot help but cry and feel so touched when you REALLY understand and think about the IMPACT of Christ's actions. i think we take it for granted so many times, forgetting to reflect on it from time to time. a completely unconditional love that we totally do not deserve. and yet He doesn't say that to us, He doesn't hold our sins against us. He just forgives. it made me feel so rotten at the way i've behaved sometimes and the way i am. really really really my God is Great. no words can describe it, i am trying hard but failing to express how it is that i REALLY felt.

all the same, i was rather irked by the audience. i am not going to watch popular movies at cineleisure anymore if i can help it. it has nice seats, but the audience there is largely juvenile and ignorant (i have noticed this, in comparison to lido). i'm sorry if i sound like a snob (that's not my intention), but it really ANNOYS me when the audience laughs at something that is CLEARLY not funny and does not grasp the true significance of the film. this was a great film with a great message, not some popcorn flick.

God knows me, He knows all His children well, and i think He has a good sense of humour to communicate with me through film, since He knows i watch a heck lot of film. Thank you God, i'm glad i listened to You today when You were talking.

+ posted by M @ 12:46 AM

...	Thursday, December 29, 2005

okay. so i went about shelving the new CDs/DVDs i have acquired lately

WORKING CLASS HERO! ONE PLUS ONE IS ONE! ESSENTIAL BOB DYLAN! NOTHING IS SOUND! THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS! (at very good prices in australia)

and STARS! IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE! (got these as gifts)

and i realize that my books and cds and stuff have been REARRANGED! which is a travesty because like, omg, people are NOT supposed to go into that area. it is MY space. my desk, my writing materials, my books, my CDs. i could live and sleep on that desk if i wanted (and i did sometimes, i spent a lot of time with it over the A levels and Prelims). i have no idea who did this and i guess i can't be bothered to find out since there are so many people living in this house but i am just very irked by it.

i now have to rearrange my own shelf again, because i sort out my stuff in a certain order only i understand. i have no idea what the agenda for rearranging my books were, i really cannot comprehend it.

yes, i am very touchy about my space. very very touchy. ugh. am rather annoyed right now. very annoyed, and i have no time to rearrange it before i go out to watch Narnia in like less than an hours time.

+ posted by M @ 1:07 PM

...	Wednesday, December 28, 2005

yes, it's me. i awake THAT early. it's 9.30 now.

it's not that i'm extra strong in carrying out my End of Slob resolution but maybe this could be a start. i'm up because i feel very strange. i have a compulsion to write but my thoughts are in a mess and i don't really know what to say. i didn't write at all in the Gold Coast, i should have, but i was of course too lazy to pick up the pen and write.

there is something i want to get down though. i've got an idea for a film. i've gotten ideas for snippets of film before and for pages of books and for many things but not actually in entirety. this is in its entirety. i haven't gotten everything yet but i know i'll somehow be able to flesh it out from the stuff i know. i want to do a slightly autobiographical film on a family growing up in Ipoh (or Balo, as it is known in Hakka). the film will have to be largely in Hakka (i'll have to work hard to find out about the dialect), while the story is still in Ipoh. it will be set in the '30s - '70s (if i decide to bring the storyline to a Singapore one). i don't really KNOW what i want to express, but i know that i have to do this. the family is impoverished in Ipoh, and i don't want it to be one of those films that give the idea that poverty is beautiful and poignant (as i've seen so many times before and feel is rather sugar-coated, sometimes). poverty is destructive, it leads to deprivation, it is not beautiful - but the human spirit to survive is. people so often get confused about that, i feel. so that's what i want to show instead. i'm not sure i agree with the idea that poverty creates a stronger love, but i'll have to think on that more.

i already have some scenes running through my head, but no actual story as yet because i have to think of what it is i am trying to convey on the whole. that felt good, to write that.

+ posted by M @ 9:28 AM

...	Tuesday, December 27, 2005

i am back.

but more importantly and excitingly and unexpectedly and miraculously and wonderfully and amazingly I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED BY THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO!

CHICAGO OMG!!!!!!!

and that is really all i have to say because i have NO IDEA how to express myself and what i'm feeling right now. CHICAGO OMG!

+ posted by M @ 9:40 PM

...	Friday, December 16, 2005

i intended to write lots of pretty, reflective things about writing christmas cards and spontaneously combusting handphones. but alas, i'm a procrastinator and i have no time to do all that.

to cut it short. i'm leaving for aussieland for ten days. gold coast to be exact. my sanity will be tried and tested as i am forced to bond with my dysfunctional family whom i will no longer be able to avoid since i will be stuck with them in a foreign land. i am sending out my christmas cards early and to those that got them - i'm sorry it's so early. to those that didn't - i'm sorry, i probably don't have your address or lost it (being the disorganized slob i am), or maybe i secretly dislike you (not likely).

anyway, urgent and EARLY new year's resolution. my days in aussieland will be my last days of slobbism. my swansong of indulgence. i must STOP being a slob. it is imperative that i do so. i will stop lounging around in my pajamas from morning to night watching DVD after DVD and preferring sleep over friends. for a while i enjoyed it, and today i realized it really was getting quite disgusting. when you ask me to go out, i will not refuse all of you anymore for the purpose of sleeping. i will get off my ass and do things. i will fix my sleeping cycle - no longer will i sleep at 4 (5, or even 6 am) and get up at 1pm. i will not watch so much TV and laugh at obscure television shows at 3 am in the morning that i secretly wished everyone watched so i could make fun of it with them. anyway, i will just not be a slob, okay?

i must stop here because i haven't finished packing. argh, how hard it is to be a procrastinator. i also have not done up the whole relief teaching form thing on the MOE site. oops, whatever.

have a merry christmas. BE HAPPY. LOVE EACH OTHER. see you on the 27th.

+ posted by M @ 9:44 PM

...	Thursday, December 15, 2005

so i've been accepted (conditionally) by Reading for the English, Theatre and Film course. was pretty glum last week because i got rejected by both Warwick and Birmingham ... this one acceptance is really a relief. now on the wait for the rest of the UK schools to reply, which they probably will before the year is up. it feels a little surreal to know that i'm getting to university next year, and that a school actually wanted me. much less Reading, which i really liked because its the only university that has the three-in-one ETF course.

of course it all still depends on my A level grades, but it's great to know that so far at least one university wants you. i'll only be finding out about my Chicago application a lot later and i'm not very confident but i really hope things will all just work out. incredibly incredibly nervous. these things are really not good for the self-esteem.

+ posted by M @ 5:51 PM

...

i tried making croissants today with Nigella's recipe for pastry dough. it was quite a flop - they turned out more like bread than flaky pastry which was quite disappointing. i probably over-kneaded or something. still edible and buttery, but not what i wanted. i'm going to have to try again, but i've never had much luck with pastries and icing. those two aren't my strong points when it comes to making stuff.

well my sleeping cycle is really quite screwed up. last night i stayed up watching tv (i watch so much tv it's unbelievable) and there's this show on MTV called The 70s House. it's pretty interesting - it's a reality show where the contestants live in this '70s house' and everything they wear and do has to be strictly 70s. i'm not sure where they get the clothes from, but they have to try and behave 70s too, by using the slang of the 70s and stuff. every week someone gets eliminated and the person who is the 'most 70s' wins.

the concept just really interested me. unlike in Survivor or Big Brother or whatever where people simply get confined to a certain place, these people are stuck in a certain time frame. some contestants complained that it was driving them mad, and i can see how. i think being in a time bubble can seriously screw with your brain after awhile.

right now i am just so lazy to do anything. which really isn't good. i've been mooching around at home a lot, and i really enjoy it, though it's wrong.

i've been thinking about things (you) a lot lately and i came to realize that for the past two years, most people i only just met at the start of these two years have come in and out of my life but you've always been there, and it was very comforting to have you around. it makes me a little sad to realize that right now i'm losing you little by little, day by day. christmas will always make me think of you, and maybe that's why i'm not really ... in the mood this year.

okay, so i know christmas should be about God and Christ and everything but i haven't really been seeing it that way and i've allowed myself to get clouded by such sentiments and personal issues, so, you know, sorry about that.

+ posted by M @ 12:06 AM

...	Tuesday, December 13, 2005

i have suddenly become obsessed with making a chocolate croissant, or any type of croissant, but most importantly a chocolate croissant. it is now my life goal (sort of).

as i have not found any reliable chocolate croissant recipe, i must satisfy myself with making nigella's almond danish pastries for van's birthday celebration tomorrow. the pastry dough is currently chilling in the fridge and i'll only be able to work on it tomorrow morning. hmm. i also need a new camera before i leave for Australia because if we do go whale watching, i'd like to take nicer pictures than i usually can with my current crummy 2.0 meg camera.

how easily i get distracted and switch 'lifegoals' all the time. it can be a problem. gayle once said i had so many options - writing, food, art, film. thing is, i appreciate these things more than create them. i do dabble in creating them but not as often, and i've never tried out film. i think i need something that can keep me interested continuously as i have a very very short attention span. i forget things very easily and move on very quickly (e.g i abandoned all plans of decorating my room simply to just watch films all day). i can give up everything for sleep. how ironic, since that is a state in which one does absolutely nothing but dream ... but maybe that's why i enjoy it so much.

i watched Zhang Yi Mou's Hero this afternoon. it is so incredibly beautifully shot, really a visually arresting experience. also watched 12 Storeys the other day. hmm. i don't know, i still prefer Be With Me. 12 Storeys has a fairly amateurish feel about it, though at times it really was particularly resonating. 'so truthful it hurts', definitely worth a watch. anyway i have Mee Pok Man to be watched and a couple other Wong Kar Wai movies i recently rented.

i can't form proper sentences anymore.

i don't really know why i'm watching all this stuff. in a way i'm using it as an excuse to get inspired for my college essay questions and break up my writer's block (hoping something will just CLICK and i'll be able to whip up a few essays), but on the other hand i've just been absorbing and absorbing because otherwise i'd be wasting my time. baggage, whitby used to say. i think the more stuff one reads and watches the more enriched a person gets ... it all leads to better writing the next time, better appreciation of the things to come. i wrote something last week, but i haven't posted it here because after the feelings i felt while writing it faded, i didn't really feel like posting it. oh, i am so mercurial that even my writing has become so inconstant and subject to my moodswings. art should be timeless, but mine isn't.

so what will i do?

+ posted by M @ 5:07 PM

...

yesterday was rather depressing because i was subjected to two pretty bad movies, Perhaps Love and Mr and Mrs Smith. one of which i had actually been very excited to watch (Perhaps Love), the other was just a 'majority wins' case in front of the DVD player.

Perhaps Love was a disappointment. i had great hopes for this movie, though neither of the actors appealed to me. i've never liked Takeshi - he's rather wooden in his acting and though goodlooking by most peoples' standards, not really attractive in my eyes. i thought the movie would be good in general, but like bea said, it was rather overdone (she was less forgiving than i, laughing at the most dramatic parts in the movie. maybe her reaction subconsciously moulded mine. how can you evaluate a movie sanely if someone is giggling next to you and sighing the whole time?). it was pretentious in the sense that it tried to be deep, poignant, arty but couldn't quite pull it off. the idea running throughout the movie was a really interesting one and i think if the characters had been fleshed out a bit more and the relationships made to be more real, it would have worked. the acting was not very impressive either. people say the lead actress is the next Zhang Ziyi? i beg to differ, Zhang would have done a much better job. they were often too dramatic and didn't leave me feeling anything for any of them - apart from annoyance, which i don't think was the director's intent.

the filming was good though, i can't deny that (with Christopher Doyle behind it, as he so often is in Asian cinema). and Jacky Cheung sings wonderfully.

Mr and Mrs Smith? i just didn't enjoy it at all. stopped watching it halfway because i was just so incredibly bored by it. it's not even worth any commentary on my part.

oh well, i have 5 movies to finish before i go away this week and plenty of essays to write. help?

+ posted by M @ 12:49 PM

...	Monday, December 12, 2005

there's no other way to say it. i realize i'm feeling and saying the same things many people have said before - people i used to think were pathetic and cliched for feeling this way. and this sounds pathetic, angsty and too personal but

i can't say it. not here, not to anyone else because you should be the one hearing it.

i don't think i'm going to get over this for quite some time. things haven't been so great this past week, but i'm trying to Trust, okay? i just need someone to talk to. thank You God, i know You're listening and not judging. it really helps.

weird and cryptic post, i haven't really been ... functioning properly lately. everything is quite confusing and a little sad. haven't been in a very Christmassy mood this year. i used to lap it all up and now i'm not even listening to any Christmas songs. well, well, well.

+ posted by M @ 12:27 AM

...	Friday, December 09, 2005

Life, it's a shame!

Don’t stop out too late at night
Stop! it’s a caution
Don’t cross the red light
Stop! it’s a caution
To act for the good for congressman is money
A balance of power will ensure our safety
(making money is making sense)
Life!
(making money is making sense)
It’s a shame
(it’s logical, making sense)
(making money is making sense)
Don’t stop out too late at night
Stop! it’s a caution
Don’t cross the red light
Stop! it’s a caution
To act for the good for congressman is money
The right to get rich is in the constitution
Talk of corruption is to preach insurrection
Elected to power men suspend self-interest
You and i, we are satellites, it’s a shame
You and i, we are satellites, it’s a shame
Life!
(making money is making sense)
(making money is making sense)
It’s a shame
(it’s logical, making sense)
(making money is making sense)
(making money is making sense)
Life!
(making money is making sense)
It’s a shame
(it’s logical, making sense)
(making money is making sense)
To act for the good is to defend our homeland
A balance of power will ensure our safety
To step out of line is to risk disaster
To walk in the rain is to risk pneumonia
A balance of power will ensure our safety
You and i, we are satellites
(making money is making sense)
(making money is making sense)
It’s a shame
(it’s logical, making sense)
(making money is making sense)
You and i, we are satellites
(making money is making sense)
(making money is making sense)
It’s a shame
(it’s logical, making sense)
(making money is making sense)
Life!
(making money is making sense)
(making money is making sense)
It’s a shame
(it’s logical, making sense)
(making money is making sense)
Life!
(making money is making sense)
(making money is making sense)
It’s a shame
(it’s logical, making sense)
(making money is making sense)



Gang of Four is GOOD! i am swamped by good music (not that i'm complaining) - John Lennon! John Lennon! John Lennon!

+ posted by M @ 1:19 PM

...	Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Things That Matter

ironically and very strangely, i think one of my best memories in nj was with someone i wasn't very close to. funny how these things go? it was nice to discuss film and art with yuehan during math class (and get eyed by the math tutor) and swop DVDs and VCDs. with him i could talk enthusiastically about films i liked and actually be understood, which was more than i got from anyone else i knew in school. i remember swopping R+J with him which was nice - because most of the time when i raved about that movie no one else had watched it. Nobody Knows, as well. Eternal Sunshine also. and a whole bunch of films i liked. as well as books sometimes, he'd always ask what i was reading and i remember once he was going through Oscar Wilde's Portrait of Dorian Gray.

though we didn't hang out much outside of math class, i think he came closest to the someone i could talk to about The Things That Matter whom i was avidly looking for in school(these people are so scarcely found!). i suppose it's strange i'm never really close-close to the people that i can talk to about these things (i say this relatively) but in a way it's nice because you don't have to be close to them to talk art. there's just an inexplicable bond which allows you to sms them in the middle of the night rattling off a whole string of movies you've watched which were good, even if you haven't talked in ages or aren't very close.

he was also one of the few who actually watched Be With Me and smsed me to discuss it. i know he wants to be a film-maker, which really is something you rarely find nowadays. i don't really know the point of this entry, but here goes to remembering one of the people who made NJ life a little more bearable and interesting.

art is always about pushing the boundaries. pushing, pushing, pushing. i guess that's why sometimes i don't have qualms about watching movies other people might find disturbing and 'immoral' because i just want to see how far one can go with it. and more than that, art is about transcending boundaries. i think it's done that a lot for me - it keeps the world together!

+ posted by M @ 11:56 PM

...

so i've watched all 3 Infernal Affairs movies in the past two days and my asian cinema obsession continues.

the first one was really good, the second one was okay, the third one was just way too confusing. i also didn't get the buddhist quotes (?) at the end of each movie. but anything with Tony Leung in, i'll take. it's rather sad that the younger generation HK stars really cannot compare to their predecessors. Tony Leung will not live forever, unfortunately. the future of HK cinema looks bleak.

i also watched Chungking Express. i have mixed feelings about this film. maybe partly because my mother was talking to me almost the whole way through for the first half (something i really cannot stand. please don't talk to me during movies! unless it's something like Legally Blonde). i think i'll have to rewatch it because it seems to be the type of movie which requires utmost concentration. there were some very piercing ideas brought about by the film, but it seemed largely disjointed. anyway, Tony Leung Chiu Wai is brilliant brilliant brilliant. i have never felt so much admiration for an actor before. Tony Leung > Johnny Depp > Jake Gyllenhaal. he OWNS them.

i need to rent more movies again. i finally stepped into a cinema yesterday (haven't since i watched Be With Me) to watch Harry Potter. it was okay, i think i enjoyed it more than most because i haven't read the book and possibly never will. it's an exciting movie to watch i suppose. though i still don't agree with certain plot contrivances, i think the acting is well done. i really found myself feeling for Harry's character. katie leung can't really act though - she was rather painful to watch and not because i'm all nuts about the 'she doesn't look like cho chang' thing (i don't read the book, i have no idea what cho chang should look like).

pride and prejudice is slated to come out soon. i think i might just give it a miss because i don't want to end up being disappointed - Colin Firth is Mr Darcy forever and ever and ever and no one else can even try to come close.

i really need to write something substantial. and i really need to DO MY COLLEGE APPS. i should also start trying to do something about my sleep cycle. sleeping at 5 AM every night isn't very ... normal. finding someone to talk to from 3-5 am is even more warped. but it's nice to know i'm not alone in my insomnia sometimes.

went to Botanic Gardens yesterday. i decided to drop by it on my way home after watching Harry with kai. it was nice to just look out at the lake and look at the kids playing happily. i met my scgs Physics teacher there (oh, Physics, my sworn enemy), he was with his mother (or mother-in-law) and wife. well it was a little awkward. we didn't talk, but we smiled at each other. i wouldn't have had much to say anyway, i never was very enthusiastic during physics lessons. it's nice that he's still going about in the same way, taking photos of nature (in this case, the swans) and being interested in the world. i stayed there for a good half hour, just looking at things. i saw a tree that had leaves that looked like feathers and have come to the conclusion that trees are very very very amazingly beautiful living things.

+ posted by M @ 7:08 PM

...	Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Ev'rybody's talking about
Bagism, Shagism, Dragism, Madism, Ragism, Tagism
This-ism, that-ism
Isn't it the most
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance

Ev'rybody's talking about Ministers, Sinisters, Banisters and canisters,
Bishops and Fishops and Rabbis and Pop eyes,
And bye bye, bye byes.
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance

Let me tell you now
Ev'rybody's talking about
Revolution, Evolution, Mastication, Flagelolation, Regulations.
Integrations, Meditations, United Nations, Congratulations
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance
Oh Let's stick to it

Ev'rybody's talking about
John and Yoko, Timmy Leary, Rosemary, Tommy smothers, Bob Dylan,
Tommy Cooper, Derek Tayor, Norman Mailer, Alan Ginsberg, Hare Krishna,
Hare Krishna
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance

Give Peace A Chance!

+ posted by M @ 7:49 PM

...

today's picnic at the Botanic Gardens. it was really nice and peaceful, the weather was cool and we seemed to be the only ones there. kai brought white wine and pasta which was really good. and i made the chocolate kum quat tart last night - insomniac baking, didn't sleep til 7 AM. i thought the swan was pretty magnificent, charm was so amazed that we could see it so upclose, unfortunately it seemed to be mutilated. we really have to do this again, i just love how green the grass looks.  

+ posted by M @ 12:04 AM

...	Monday, December 05, 2005

La Vie Boheme

To days of inspiration
Playing hookie, making something out of nothing
The need to express
To communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane
Going mad
To loving tension, no pension
To more than one dimension,
To starving for attention,
Hating convention, hating pretension

Not to mention of course,
Hating dear old mom and dad
To riding your bike,
Midday past the three-piece suits
To fruits to no absolutes
To Absolute- to choice
To the Village Voice
To any passing fad
To being an us for once, instead of a them.

+ posted by M @ 3:41 PM

...

the sunday was good.

i talked to my brother for the first time in days, which was nice. when our parents (and 3 siblings) are away, we only have each other, yet he's so busy with training and i'm busy going out and in this case with prom this week. it's funny how we can live in the same house and barely meet because of how packed life is. so today, being sunday, we finally got to talk a bit. we're not very close as some siblings are, but still, it was nice to talk to him about prom (and what a certain senior of his wore - his reaction was priceless!), soccer (LIVERPOOL CHELSEA GAME COMING UP! WOO! time to earn some moneyyyy) and to discuss music and stuff. we're both into Bruce Springsteen right now, though he still thinks The Ataris sucks and doesn't get my interest in Death Cab For Cutie. and as always he'll ask if i have certain songs and i'll always have them because i'm such a pirate and he'll be dismayed, 'why do you have so many songs?!'

i also reflected a lot on what it means to have really really graduated from NJC, what with prom being over - after prom i really am free of NJC (apart from going back to collect results, but the A Level is not NJC). and you know something, i'm really really very glad to be out. i can't really say i'm sad at all. sure, i miss drama tons and i really treasure the drama experience (and first exco experience) but on the whole i'm really really glad to be leaving. bea and i have often talked about this and a lot of the time i feel our lives in njc were rather sad. i'm glad to be free of the arts politicking and the illusions people have of us. i'm glad to be free of all these things.

and most importantly, i thank God so much for BEA and MANDY. i now realize that God really provided for me in NJC even though i complained so much all the time because He gave me two really, really good friends that i will treasure for life. from SC days till now and till the future! these friendships are built on God's providence and love and thus are STRONG. there is no politicking here (unlike so many other friendships in NJC i experienced), just plain and simple love. where other people got sucked into the politicking and awfulness, you two didn't. i love you two so much, and i think without you two in NJC i really wouldn't have survived. thank You God, You really really provided for me even though i didn't see it most of the time.

i won't be upset over things that happened or won't happen anymore, because i know that God intends the VERY BEST for me. He really wants me to be happy and everything that happens is the best for me even though i cannot always see it His way. what will happen will happen, and what won't, won't - He is in COMPLETE CONTROL, and i wouldn't have it any other way. slowly but surely, i'm beginning to trust Him again.

it's really a good feeling, to be happy with God. there are lots of issues and things bugging me, lots of things that have to be dealt with, lots of thoughts running through my head, lots of confused emotions. but yet i feel at peace (when i normally wouldn't) because i know that God is really working in His own beautiful (albeit mysterious) way.

i think it's the Christmas spirit.

+ posted by M @ 3:13 AM

...	Sunday, December 04, 2005

so nowadays there are so many sites popping up like mushrooms. post secret, its Singapore counterpart, you are beautiful.

some of them are funny and heartwarming and touching ... for awhile. and then when you really think about what's behind these projects it just gets sad. it's so easy to stick random notes on canned fruit in the supermarket, and to stand at the edge of the highway with 'you are beautiful' placards because you're doing all of this from a distance and for people you will probably never know. it's so easy to leave comments telling other people to cheer up about their secrets and telling them to take care because you'll never get to know them and all it takes it just a few lines.

there isn't any long term commitment, there isn't any substance behind all this stuff at all. it's hard as hell to look someone you know in the eye and tell them 'you're beautiful' when you know all their flaws and don't love them that much sometimes when they get you mad. can you say you really mean it when you tell all these other people to take care, that they're beautiful, that they're wonderful? you don't know anything about these people - your words are really empty when it really comes down to crunchtime.

what if you really knew these people that posted these secrets - would you be able to do the same? the sad thing is, they're unable to really talk to people they actually know. that's why this whole post secret thing comes about. everyone is just so bloody lonely even when they're with their friends because they just can't talk to each other. we've got to end up having websites where we tell the world (whom we don't know) our secrets because we're just SO STARVED for a listening ear. the world listens for awhile, the reader looks at the postcard and is momentarily moved ... and then everything just moves on. you're still left with your secret, you still feel lonely. what's the point?

i'm glad that postsecret has helped some people though, to talk to others. i guess i shouldn't be so negative and see that maybe these things help. but i can't help feeling that they reveal something so sad about ourselves - about our loneliness. and it's just too easy. it's too easy to try and comfort people you don't know at all. it's much harder when you've got to really be there for that real person all the time instead of just look at his/her one sentence long secret and respond, never to bring it up again.

EVERYTHING LOOKS PERFECT FROM FAR AWAY. (some ben gibbard wisdom!)

it's only when you've known that person inside out, known all their flaws and accept them and STILL can look them in the eye and tell them they're beautiful - that's when it REALLY means something. that's when it's REAL, when it matters, when it's really just AMAZING! all these website projects are just white noise compared to the REAL personal human touch.

it's always fast fast fast, instant things with us nowadays. quick relief, quick comfort. have we ever really thought about really caring long term for those around us? why can't we just sustain something?

i realize i sound bitter. maybe it's because i feel i've never really had anyone who has stuck around long term. i'm thankful for the brief respites and the random conversations i've had with unexpected people who have helped me out at one point or another, but i wish that they would last. people always leave?

you're right, i need someone i can turn to. don't get me wrong, i'm not depressed or anything. i feel a lot better now. it's just that i realize this really is something missing from my life. sustained relationships, a best friend i can talk to any time, any where. i'm thankful for having many many friends and acquantainces, but sometimes all you need is just one that really is there all the time.

the search for something deeper, as always.

i suppose i'm too demanding. i'm a hard person to live with, what with all my issues and thoughts and ideas. it gets tiring for others, and i feel bad about that. that's a big reason why you normally won't hear me saying how i really feel. i know a lot of people who read this blog and know me personally probably find it rather weird how i can sound utterly depressed yet when i meet them act okay. i just find it hard to really talk to people about things, and if you don't ask i'll rarely talk about it.

i guess i'm just insecure. i think that if i tell people how i really, really feel, that if i tell them how sad i really, really am sometimes - that they'll all leave and never want to deal with me and my screwed up self again. it's a lot easier being around someone without issues, isn't it?

i won't lose faith. because MY GOD WILL NOT LEAVE ME. today, for the first time in a long time, i said a thanksgiving prayer. i realize i've always been asking God for things, i've always been asking 'why?', i've always been struggling every time i pray this year. but finally, today, i realized, i just want to thank Him for what i have right now. because i should have done so a long time ago. i may not have all that i think i need or want, but i know that He will provide and He has provided and that there is always something to be thankful for. there's always something out there. i've just got to keep on going on. Thank You God! really really really, Thank You.

+ posted by M @ 3:52 PM

...

Open iTunes/iPod, Windows Media Player, or WinAmp to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrasing it is.

How many songs: 1783

Sort by song title
First Song: #1 Crush - Garbage
Last Song: long juan (quan?) feng - Jay Chou

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: Queen Mab Interlude - Nellee Hooper (Romeo+Juliet OST)
Longest Song: Slow Movement - Nellee Hooper (Romeo+Juliet OST)

Sort by album:
First Album: 100 Years - Five For Fighting
Last Album: Ye Hui Mei - Jay Chou

Top Five Most Played Songs:
because i fall asleep to these every night
1) Still - Hillsong
2) Now That You're Near - Hillsong
3) Rain Down - Planet Shakers
4) Blessed - Hillsong
5) Awesome God - Hillsong

First song that comes up on Shuffle: No Such Thing - John Mayer

Search ....
"sex", how many songs come up? 9. all from The Sex Pistols.
"death", 117. mainly Death Cab For Cutie.
"love", 110 :)
"you", 307

took a trip to town on my own today for a bit. got some DVDs from Kinokuniya with my brother's vouchers, that felt good. i really like going to bookstores and people watching. it's nice to see that some people like poetry (though that section is normally painfully empty) and that some people are just having a good time walking around the store. it's also nice to go to CD shops. i went to HMV to browse after that, and was really appalled by the prices they slap on the EPs. 48 for the Stars albums?! 37 for The Ataris albums? i really wanted End Is Forever and a whole lot of other CDs (STARS STARS STARS) but i was really not willing to spend so unneccessarily. the fact that Kylie Minogue was playing the whole time through made my experience an even more unpleasant one. i was quite impressed that they brought in Mew and it was only 19.90, though - possibly because no one was buying it. was rather tempted to get their Frengers album but ended up getting Gang of Four's A Brief History of The Twentieth Century instead. anyway, they didn't seem to have Low Millions.

and i seem to have gotten over my Low Millions phase. what do i listen to nowadays? Death Cab, Death Cab and more Death Cab. plus Stars.

watched Rent with aa today. the broadway cast were really good, especially the guy who played roger. he had the total rock star voice i really love (think Scott Stapp, Pearl Jam). in a way, i liked it because it dealt with stuff like creation - roger talking about writing one song before he died from aids. i could kind of relate to that. just that one song, that one poem, that one art piece that matters and means something is what all artists live and die for. and ultimately, LOVE.

anyway i'm beginning to feel very jumpy. i feel REALLY STUPID for calling junxu PSYCHOTIC when he started work on his college apps last week (his 4 schools compared to my 7) because OMG i need to start work NOW i realize. and i SHOULD have started last week too. why, mel, are you always taking things so easy? i think i need someone to continually wake me up and remind me about these things. i really live in some sort of weird mel dream world. even dav started and she only has ONE RD. AHHHHH. i have 7 schools to be done in 2 weeks because i'm going away. i can forget about looking for a job or whatever else. i need to get those done. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. freakkkkking OUT.

quite a few people have told me that my idealism and dreaming is what makes me, ME. i guess that's true. but sometimes i really wish that i could be a little more plugged in because i think most of the time i am just TOO ... illogical and in the clouds, or something (i.e, calling people psychotic for starting on their apps when it's actually the logical thing to do). yeah, dars is right, i need someone who can ground me rather than flamboyant bohemian types. wouldn't that be boring though? but the world is made of DIFFERENT DIFFERENT PEOPLE and so we can ALL LEARN from EACH OTHER. i suppose it wouldn't be fun to only hang around with people you thought were your type (though i haven't really found many that are). SCIENCEY PEOPLE - COME FILL MY HEART WITH LOGIC! I THINK I NEED SOME! (YOU DON'T HEAR ME SAY THIS EVERYDAY)

okay, going to end here because i sound really loopy.

+ posted by M @ 1:25 AM

...	Saturday, December 03, 2005

and so lately people keep telling me, 'it's okay, it doesn't mean anything'

but it means something to me, and that's why i just can't do anything. if only it didn't, things would be a lot easier. but yet, just what the heck do i want. i really have no idea.

i'm sorry God, please give me another chance.

+ posted by M @ 12:17 AM

...	Friday, December 02, 2005

so, prom is over. i think some people could tell i was a bit moody or bored, especially nina when i met her. she said, 'enjoy your prom, mel' in such a manner that i knew she saw i wasn't very ... high, as compared to many others. also, twice people approached me telling me i looked bored and therefore, 'let's take a photo'. it was a very weird affair. people just taking photos all the time, flashes going off every other second. everyone acting all nice to each other when they normally wouldn't. all a bit too contrived for my taste - but then maybe right now i sound like the biggest killjoy on earth. in bea's words, we have a 'miserable amount of photos' which we will trade later because i stuck to my 'i will only take photos with people who ask me' rule. and well, that's the truth - not many people expressed a desire to take a photo with me (or remember me). so that's that.

very energy-sapping. i ended up just sitting and standing around and helping random people take their photos most of the time. at least the arts people were smart enough to save on the trip to Clubhome and the money since vin the seasoned clubber told us that it would suck. well it did, we ended up meeting a whole bunch of people after we finished up at acid bar who told us the party sucked. nj's first party this year and it had to suck. pretty sad, if you ask me. after which we did nothing important. i ended up falling asleep at 5 am. i'm normally really nocturnal, but i didn't see anything worth staying up for and the beds at swissotel were really comfortable (really!).

anyway, all the same i guess it was nice to just chill around the room with chew, vin, sam, dav, choo and bea. shi wei was completely gone after the trip to acid bar and mo was pretty tired. what a motley crew. oh, and before i forget - jeremy went to a band audition and made it. i'm not sure what that means, but maybe i'll get to hear my song performed sooner than i thought. how interesting.

i spent a lot of time out on the balcony looking out and i realized that the view was really nice if one were to look far out into the distance when all the lights blended together. when one looks at the cars downstairs they look like toys, and for a while you feel as though the banana peel you throw down won't have any effect - that it will just go unnoticed. but inevitably, if you were to throw it over, it would land on something. maybe that's the mentality behind killer litter - from such great heights it doesn't seem as if anything bears any consequence. it's nice to know that somehow we can all affect each other in the smallest ways even if we can't see that, just as someone helped me this past week.

omg. college apps. colllege appppps. i now realize i've been taking things too easy and i have to start on them like NOW. freaking out here.

i awoke at 10something and it was quite an unhappy awakening. i woke up because all the girls were still awake and talking about the newspapers. i read the home page and was reminded that nguyen tuong van was hanged at dawn today. it really is very upsetting and i was rather affected. i thought about how trivial our prom was compared to a state sanctioned execution of this man. i think that the human rights groups really did try hard to save him, going as far as to send out that email telling us to all forward emails to various world leaders urging them to severe diplomatic relations with singapore if nguyen tuong van were to be executed. maybe that seems like a really impractical solution and it makes me seem silly for forwarding it too because i'm putting singapore's 'national security' at stake, and maybe it also seemed implausible because there is no way world leaders would sacrifice diplomacy for a man's life (calculative politics) but i had to hang on to that tiny shred of hope and i had to believe. i believe that the people who supported this cause really tried hard and sometimes love just isn't enough when it comes to the ways of the world. i'll be praying for his soul tonight.

i also find it very appalling that the singapore government normally doesn't allow physical contact between the prisoner and his/her loved ones because it can apparently undo all the psychological work they've done the past months or something to that extent. it's ridiculous - they're trying to keep peoples' emotions at bay so they can die 'properly'? heartless, cruel and cold.

there are a lot of things that make me so upset and get me so fired up (here i am crusading yet again) but i have to pick my battles and i won't give up. i won't lose faith.

+ posted by M @ 7:56 PM