there are some DVDs i really want to get off AMAZON but can't because they're only available second-hand and the sellers don't ship to Singapore. it's times like these i get annoyed that we are just, like, not acknowledged or something. yes, i am spoilt and i know it.

anyone know of any places i can find pretty offbeat stuff? am interested in the film Fickende Fishe right now.

also i really want to watch The Candlestickmaker AND Krishnan's Diary. though it's at the DBS arts centre and i'm kind of reluctant to pay the price for it because of that. why do we have such sucky theatres? i could make a whole list of places which i feel are a rip-off to pay for (jubilee hall being one of them). i've been spending all my money on cab fare, food on the weekends (on the weekdays i don't have to spend a single cent on meals, due to 'free' cedele lunch and the food that is readily available at cake, and i like it that way) and things to see.

to be completely economical about it, film gives you more bang for your buck. no matter where you sit, you'll definitely be able to see the actor's faces and expressions very clearly and hear them well. i haven't seen a good film for a long time. i watched half of Imelda the other night because it was all i had time for before my brain went dead and she is amazing. but only because of the level of self-delusion she is capable of. it's honestly a sort of art, to be that deluded. i suppose we all are to a certain extent, but i think i at least am aware of it most of the time. i hope, anyway. everyone says that artists all need to be a bit up in the clouds and detached in order to be able to create art ... i just don't know how true that is. it's rather ironic in a sense, because the most moving art, i've found, is naturalistic and possesses great verisimilitude. how does one do that if you're always up in the clouds? artists have to possess a great sensitivity and awareness of reality ... yet be able to suspend it. so basically, the more real a film/play/book is, the more reality is suspended for the viewer/reader. absolutely fascinating, isn't it?

oh, the wonderful things i discover while rambling and typing in this little white box.

also, i've discovered that my colleague knows how to make Teh Tarik because i was fooling around during my stafflunch order on friday and asked for 'TEH TARIK PLZZ' on the order chit and she said, 'you really want it? i DO know how to do it. hot or cold?' and while it's not completely authentic (but she uses gweilo teapackets and NON-carnation milk and ORGANIC UNREFINED sugar from the bar to do it ... so for the stuff she uses, it really does turn out pretty well!), having it for lunch is very comforting for me in some strange way. it is also very tasty. i think i could just have it for lunch by itself. i'm kind of sick of all the gweilo food that i eat everyday though it's free. cannot drink too much Teh Tarik though, as is v unhealthy. but maybe will go on some sort of Teh Tarik fast and publish some new wave diet book - 'The 14-day Teh Tarik Fast' and then earn oodles of money from Singaporeans who love their Teh Tarik.

okay, i'm beginning to sound annoyingly inane and i'm aware of it. will stop now.

it's beautifully true what jon brion says - 'everything is a memory with strings that tie to you'.

like how milk tea/nai-cha will always remind me of zhaowei because it was quite a daily affair during lunchbreaks and i do miss zhaowei and the people there and they said i could visit them but it would make me feel juvenile to visit them as though i'm visiting my secondary school/junior college. so i tell myself not to miss it because somehow, it's not like school which you're allowed to miss but a job that people are supposed to move on from. in the grown-up world, life moves on inevitably, frequently and necessarily, i think. it seems that way, at least. i don't want to be an adult in that sense (i like being sentimental and find 'moving on' sort of clinical), but i know i can't remain a child forever. i'm going to be 19 and i realize why i'm so scared of it - i use my youth as an excuse for a lot of things and as i get older i will eventually lose that excuse. i'm also losing a lot of time, i can't buy time anymore with my youth. it scares me to no end, really.

in response to : WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? which a lot of people have asked lately - i'm just kind of busy, and i can't wait till i won't be. really am not going to work anymore unpaid 'industry' gigs after QP is over. i need some time for myself and for the dear people i won't be seeing for great lengths of time after i leave for chicago this september. i can only hope that i won't become completely bored.

+ posted by M @ 2:12 AM

...	Friday, April 28, 2006

our manager, Chris, left us for Canada. no farewell or anything. it felt very odd. i felt he really was a very nice guy, albeit rather anal at times. but hey, being anal is a good thing for the customers. if he weren't around - the level of hygiene at cedele would be for crap, honestly.

i've been learning a lot from my colleagues. from sandra, who swears every other second and who says things like, 'if you have a better chance, why not? you tell me, US dollar you don't want to earn?' (on Chris leaving and me going in shock, 'what? why?') i like her a lot actually, though we're very different. she's a lot older though she looks youngish because she's so petite. and when i told her that i was working with Cake at night because i might want to study drama in university she didn't say, 'why?' or give me the 'are-you-crazy' look that i expect most people would give. in fact she said, 'that's a good course to take' and i really appreciated that.

my favourite colleague, yanti, quit today. she asked to exchange numbers but i really wonder if we'll ever end up talking again. it was really nice having her at work though, it made things a lot more fun.

the FnB business is very transient. i still don't understand a lot of the things they say, but i'm learning.

everyone is quite enamoured with the dishwasher, who is from china and is, well, very good-looking (i confess that seeing him makes work a lot easier sometimes). he cut his hand pretty deep over the weekend while washing the dishes and was on MC for a few days. i wanted to ask him if he was better and if his hand was better but most of the time i feel too embarrassed to talk to him in my awful chinese, so i didn't. i do feel bad about it. i kind of hope sometimes that when i do have to communicate with him (am appointed translator a lot by my malay colleagues) that he thinks it's a singaporean accent and that's why we have a hard time understanding each other though we're speaking in the same language. i wonder about them a lot, these young guys from china (he's one of four, the other three are working at different branches. obviously he got it the worst being at the most hectic one) and i feel sorry for them. they're definitely getting exploited by the bosses, pay-wise. it's such a mystery - were they flown in specially from china to work for cedele? it seems incredibly funny and warped - like a sort of dishwashing scholarship. it also makes them sound like produce, like they're 'imported', which i hate. and i wonder about their hopes and dreams and all these people who come to Singapore hoping to find 'a better tomorrow' (ming tian hui geng hao, indeed!). i wonder if they get a rude shock and realize Singapore isn't all they expected. i saw one of the bosses hand him a green coloured ic thingy today and i guess that's what a lot of them want - PR or citizenship. it still strikes me as ironic how much some people want to be a part of this country while everyone here just wants to leave all the time.

there must be something really strong that drives them - he's able to work FULL days, 6 times or more a week and still give smiles to everyone he sees. at times i notice when the grin is waning, but it's only natural. and i feel sad thinking about the people they've left behind for the life that they've chosen to lead here. is it worth it? i wish i could get the chance to ask him all these things, if only he didn't work so hard and would just take a break sometimes.

also, he has a tattoo, and i'm absolutely fascinated by it. i can't really see it because it's always covered by a watch or something or the other but i'd really like to know the backstory on how that tattoo came about, seeing as he has such a cleancut image right now.

i find tattoos on 'cleancut' looking people to be very intriguing (because they're so incongruous) - it's like a little memory of some kind of past which they try to hide but aren't ready to erase yet.

+ posted by M @ 12:58 AM

...	Thursday, April 27, 2006

everyday, now that i work cedele in the day and cake at night - i have this small space of time from 11pm-1am before i go to sleep and life happens all over again. i use this time to eat my dinner, usually. and just sit and relax, albeit in front of the computer.

and most of the time my mother comes in and i'm very, extremely grumpy and gruff towards her because she likes to talk about inconsequential things (to me) which only serve to stress me out when really i just want to relax after working a 12hour day, practically. and then i feel guilty about being grumpy towards her since i haven't seen everyone the whole day so i make an effort to respond to whatever she says ... i try hard not to judge, but really, sometimes i simply can't stand how petty and small-minded some women can be. and sometimes she annoys me by recounting all these events, but she's my mother and i suppose she wants to vent so i have to be accomodating. it's at times like this when i feel like a man, because i simply cannot connect and relate to whatever she is saying about these women.

i think my mother and i will always have that problem. we are just unable to understand each other, always on different wavelengths. i have the idea that my life plays out like a movie and hopefully one day before my wedding day we'll have this massive crying-bonding session, or something ... you know how those things go.

and then she tells me about what's happened at home today and my father and my brother having one of their incredibly stupid miscommunicative blow ups and it's times like these when i am incredibly happy to have worked the whole day. i can't help but feel guilty about not being there to comfort my brother when it happened. sometimes i feel so angry with my father and with the way he deals with things so brashly. i wish i could say it's angst and something i'll grow out of but i never used to be angry, just afraid. and now, i'm just angry most of the time. i try to understand and realize there's a lot of pressure placed on his shoulders, having to support us and all but i really wish we could all be honest with each other for once, without having blowups. i've completely lost the courage to be honest with my parents, particularly my father, and i suppose that's why we're not close at all.

i wish i was closer to all my brothers. it gets me sad sometimes, and everytime i think about the Flowers For Algernon book Edward gave me for my birthday last year i will always tear up. always. it's embarrassing, but true.

typical asian love. i will never understand and care to understand the whole thing about 'saving face' and non-expressiveness. it infuriates me a lot of the time. all these roles we have for ourselves and things we must do and must not do. i suppose it's the same with every other culture, but it just really annoys me! it really, really does. and i feel so stifled, sometimes. but i can't hate it because it's who i am.

whenever i see taitais at cedele, i swear to myself i'll never be one of them. though there are points of time while i'm waitressing that i think, 'oh how nice it would be to never work again' but those are moments of frivolity and really i would never want to be one of them. never.

i'm trying my hardest not to judge, really. i'm sure most of them are perfectly nice people. in fact, i bet a lot of people call my mother a taitai and i get offended because she really does a lot more than sip tea and go shopping - she looks after 6 children. so i'm sure some of them are in that position and as a result i try to be understanding. but i really have a problem with the ones who are rude and picky and whose friends look very uncomfortable being with them because they're obviously trying to fit in with all the superficial 'oh my Gosh i just love the puffy-sleeved style of the latest prada line, but i don't like their skirts' talk.

in fact, most of the taitais that come to cedele AREN'T taitais. true blue taitais won't go to cedele - they'll be found at four seasons hi-tea or something. which makes it even worse because adding 'wannabe' to any label just makes it ... worse.

i think we all have to be more tolerant, including me. during the day i find myself getting so annoyed because i simply cannot fathom why people are SO impatient. they expect spoons to simply appear in my hand the minute they ask for one. they think that anything that doesn't come within ten minutes hasn't been ordered properly. why are we always in such a hurry? and then angry customers who demand for the 'manager' ... i wonder what sort of satisfaction they derive from that. i mean obviously constructive feedback is good, but their motive for doing so is to get someone sacked or something. does it really make them feel better to talk to the manager? i just cannot comprehend this act of doing so. i've never felt compelled to ask for the manager myself to complain about 'service' in my life.

at the end of the day i just see them as being unhappy with themselves and incredibly lonely and having this need to complain to anyone that will listen - which comes in the form of 'your manager'. and i feel sad that there are so many lonely and unhappy people in this world and i wish we could do something about it. and after they leave and i've thought about it i feel like telling them, 'i hope you will be happy' but i don't get to because at that moment itself i'm far too pissed off.

if only everyone were happy and shiny. we'd get along so much better.

i don't really like impatience, partly because i'm rather patient myself, really. wouldn't most of my friends agree with that aspect of my personality at least? it's not that i don't care, or that i'm blur, even though it might come off that way to a lot of people. simply put, i don't like getting angry with people or being unhappy with them. it isn't a nice feeling and it isn't fair to them most of the time. give peace a chance, i say! as you all know.

unfortunately, ever since starting cedele, i've been getting annoyed with people A LOT. it's part of the job. i try my hardest not to but i REALLY do get annoyed with so many customers who are just so rude and impatient.

i hate it when people say, 'you're so inefficient/efficient'. that's something you should say to a machine. why do we always say things like these? sigh.

okay, tired and hungry. going to get dinner now.

+ posted by M @ 12:12 AM

...	Tuesday, April 25, 2006

'that's you mel. you are like..fuelled and driven by these "ideas". it's as though your ideas make up who you are. but you are so much more than that, so much. and you needn't feel inadequate.'

somehow bea always manages to tell me things i need to hear. and even if other people have said it, it only really gets through when it's coming from her.

i miss nj because i miss seeing bea every other day (i can't say everyday since it's quite clear we were always absent quite frequently) and having her there. i miss taking trips to IKEA after school just to eat the meatballs and chicken wings and us being greedy and wanting to have everything. and even though i only just saw her last week, it feels like such a long time relative to what i've been used to. i miss being with so many people and seeing them and talking to them. i miss daryl! daryl, are you reading this? probably not. and i try to squeeze every drop of warmth i can out of an sms or an msn conversation but it simply doesn't come close.

i realized today i don't want to be known as a fan of 'so-and-so' anymore. at some point when i was talking to alfian and he asked how meeting brian was, was it something to swoon about and i said i'm not the brian fan (i see him every other weeknight), lianghui is and he said oh you're the royston fan and i replied i’m an alfian fan because really i had no idea what else to say and it was at that point that i realized i don't want to be known as a royston fan. or an alfian fan. or an alvin pang 'fan'. or whatever, anymore.

being around alfian or talking to him makes me feel strange and young and ignorant because he’s someone i’ll always associate with my sometimes-juvenile secondary school days when i was even more young and ignorant, i suppose. i sort of freeze up and whoever mel really is melts away and i say things for the sake of proving i have an opinion or that i at least have a brain. he probably has no idea he has such an effect on me and it is pathetic really, but it’s true.

a lot of people i've met have had that effect on me (because obviously i AM young and ignorant as compared to people like Eric and the people i've met at Cake) but with alfian it is just exemplified even more.

but i have to realize i am no longer the girl back in scgs who used to idolize these poets/artists along with shirin and dawn and such and see them as some sort of benchmark and think my writing was never quite there. it doesn't mean i won't admire them, i always will. it doesn't mean i'm going to start thinking i'm the most talented person to ever walk this earth. but i have to stop putting people on pedestals. i need to grow out of it in order to be an artist in my own right, and i think i'm starting to. i just need to sort of toss that image aside now.

i have to develop an ego. i can't be a child anymore. and yet, i don't want to be 19 because it sounds so frightfully old and scary and i don't know why.

i have this great desire to follow someone, anyone i see on the bus or mrt or street (particularly mrt) and see where i end up. people are always keeping things under wraps - it's so awfully intrusive and perhaps scary of me, but i just want to know. i hate the idea of seeing someone every day and yet not knowing a single thing about them. it seems so cold, somehow. it's the relationship i have with practically almost all the people i've met this year. i don't know anything about them, really. and yet i don't want to be intrusive, so how?

after may is over, i don't think i want to work anymore.

i've resolved to be more honest in my posts. i'm making an effort to be, or else all these real thoughts will just escape me and it will be as though nothing real ever happens.

+ posted by M @ 1:08 AM

...	Sunday, April 23, 2006

i hate feeling young and ignorant and, well, small. i am so tired of interning and 'helping out'. i want to DO SOMETHING. i feel incredibly trapped by all my commitments now. i am tired of trying not to appear young and ignorant (which i truly am). i am tired of simply feeling like an intern rather than feeling like a real person with ideas and thoughts.

i am my own person. i am my own person. i am my own person. it's just so easy to forget that when you're helping actors run lines, or helping shift this, or helping do time codes for movies, or helping do all this admin stuff. and i know i chose it because i said i wanted to learn things but i feel like i'm losing myself. i feel like that's the only thing i know how to do nowadays - simply be of 'help' and lose all ability to create things of my own. i feel bland and colourless.

maybe after Queen Ping i should really just take a break. i need to seriously start writing again. yh wants to submit a short film for some competition and asks if i could do the screenplay. i have never written a screenplay in my life. all i have are rough sketches and images in my mind which seemingly amount to nothing. in this current state of mind i have zero ideas and zero creativity running through my veins. i think i need to take some time off to do my own stuff. yet will i be motivated enough to create my own art?

sometimes i feel like i'm playing a role, a role of an artist. that i'm just pretending and all this supposed talent or ability i think i have or people tell me i have is just an illusion. that i looked at this and thought it was the best way to act out my life and that's why i'm playing this part. my poetry is written out of this role that i play, and is thus false. why do i feel so unsure of myself now?

argh, i'm so frustrated.

+ posted by M @ 10:50 PM

...	Thursday, April 20, 2006

something bizarre which happened today:

one of the kitchen staff (and our kitchen staff are all bengish, as most kitchen staff are), the one that really doesn't seem to like me and has told me off a few times for certain inconsequential things, suddenly talked about 'death of a salesman' today in reference to some thing or the other. i can't remember what he was referring to, but he talked about 'death of a salesman' and said, 'you know the book? it's a nice book' to my manager. and i wanted to say, 'YES, you read arthur miller?!' but i was too scared to because i didn't want to appear smartass to someone who already didn't seem to like me very much.

it's something i'm very careful of somehow, appearing too smart and well-read. it just doesn't work for the street cred, i find it very stifling sometimes and feel subconsciously condescending (when, really i'm not, i'm just trying to fit in).

+ posted by M @ 10:22 PM

...

carol blogs:

These days have been rather upsetting. It feels like my friend Michelle and I are alone on an island surrounded by oceans of men who are beautiful, charming and talented but untouchable, unavailable and undeniably gay. One day, every time I saw a beautiful male I could cry.

too true. i find that two of the men i have been attracted to/found extremely fascinating and talented and wonderful this year turned out to be, well, GAY. am i destined to continuously find the men that i find attractive are, in fact, gay? only crushes and silly infatuations, but nonetheless infuriating at some point. why, what did we do (or not do)?! irrational thought on the behalf of womenkind, but really, 'tis sad.

on a less frivolous note, i really am so tired. so tired. so tired. feel like quitting everything and sleeping straight through the month. i really desperately need a holiday but with who and to where?

i need to learn how to take a break and stop working all the time and cluttering my schedule so (un?)necessarily. back to waitressing tomorrow. queen ping has been bizarre, interesting at times but very, very tiring and a little scary.

+ posted by M @ 1:34 AM

...	Wednesday, April 19, 2006

something i found in my drawer

the fun thing about regret is envisioning all the alternative scenarios that could have happened. what if i had walked in that way, what if i had said something else, or simply just phrased it differently. slowly this myth unfolds in our mind's eye, playing out like film on screen.

a regretful mind is the most imaginative storyteller and the most detailed. everything is scrutinized, like silk is checked for stains or a slight crimp that could have betrayed its perfection. the smallest (and even non-existent) issue becomes magnified by the heart that regrets.

people try to find all the other paths to take just to bypass regret - thorns are endured to prevent regret, the roughest path is braved so as to leave regret behind, people remain on a path they know will lead them nowhere just so as to stave off regret. inevitably, regret will catch on some way or another - all roads lead to it. yes, different types of regret: some completely black, some frivolous, some seem forgettable - but they all occur nonetheless.

regrets can never be undone. they are dead knots in the fabric of time, scars on the face of love. the only possible way to beat it at its game is to kiss your scars and move on courageously, even if new ones will be made. for one day, your life will lie behind you, and there will be a day when regret will be nothing but the tears on the faces of those you have both kissed and scarred.

it doesn't make much sense to me now at all, and some of the grammar seems horrific. i think i wrote this last year.

+ posted by M @ 1:50 AM

...	Sunday, April 16, 2006

The Lady Amalthea would not look straight at him. "He must not change me," she said to Prince Lir. "Do not let him work his magic on me. The Bull has no care for human beings - we may walk out past him and get away. It is a unicorn the Bull wants. Tell him not to change me into a unicorn."

Prince Lir twisted his fingers until they cracked. Schmendrick said, "It is true. We might very well escape the Red Bull that way even now, as we escaped before. But if we do, there will never be another chance. All the unicorns of the world will remain his prisoners forever, except one, and she will die. She will grow old and die."

"Everything dies," she said, still to Prince Lir. "It is good that everything dies. I want to die when you die. Do not let him enchant me, do not let him make me immortal. I am no unicorn, no magical creature. I am human, and I love you."

He answered her, saying gently, "I don't know much about enchantments, except how to break them. But I know that even the very greatest wizards are powerless against two who keep to each other - and this one is only poor Schmendrick, after all. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid of anything. Whatever you have been, you are mine now. I can hold you."

She turned to look at the magician at last, and even through the darkness he could feel the terror in her eyes. "No," she said. "No, we are not strong enough. He will change me, and whatever happens after that, you and I will lose each other. I will not love you when I am a unicorn, and you will love me only because you cannot help it. I will be more beautiful than anything in the world, and live forever."

Schmendrick began to speak, but the sound of his voice made her cower like a candle flame. "I will not have it. I will not have it so." She was looking back and forth from the prince to the magician, holding her voice together like the edges of a wound. She said, "If there is left a single moment of love when he changes me, you will know it, for I will let the Red Bull drive me into the sea with the others. Then at least I will be near you."

"There's no need for all that." Schmendrick spoke lightly, making himself laugh. "I doubt I could turn you back if you wished it. Nikos himself never could turn a human being into unicorn - and you are truly human now. You can love, and fear and forbid things to be what they are, and overact. Let it end here then, let the quest end. Is the world any the worse for losing the unicorns, and would it be any better if they were running free again? One good woman more in the world is worth every single unicorn gone. Let it end. Marry the prince and live happily ever after."

The passageway seemed to be growing lighter, and Schmendrick imagined the Red Bull stealing toward them, grotesquely cautious, setting his hooves down as primly as a heron. The thin glimmer of Molly Grue's cheekbone went out as she turned her face away. "Yes," said the Lady Amalthea. "That is my wish."

But at the same moment, Prince Lir said, "No."

i watched the Last Unicorn today (again) and was reminded of the book, which is even more beautiful. it is such a beautiful story, there is just SO MUCH in there. it's things like these that make me feel that people are beautiful, the world is so beautiful - i'm surrounded by so much ... beauty.

+ posted by M @ 5:54 PM

...	Saturday, April 15, 2006

third post of the night. but i couldn't help it, this was something that has been stewing in my mind ever since 'language' and filling in all my housing forms and i don't know what else and i had to get it out and it turned out very different from what i intended but that's how it is, words change as you write. i think it needs quite a bit of editing though, it seems so completely irrelevant and ramble-y and irrelevant. sigh. finally, it's time to sleep.

________

my test papers used to tell me:
fill in the blanks
with what you think
is the right answer

and atop the lines of my notepads
there were blanks for dates,
names, unimportant details

so easily the dates could be written wrongly
my chinese name something i often messed up
so many mistakes that didn't matter

maybe they caused some confusion
from time to time
but that was all

the blanks i loved the most
were the ones that said '(sign here)'
because it gave me the chance to
form my signature

(i was less aware of what i was submitting to
i concentrated more on perfecting the curve of my
small 'm')

now i see these other blanks
on employment forms, university forms,
feedback forms, membership forms, misc. forms
'fill in the blanks'
so many to fill, so hard to fill

and i have the urge to write
anyone else's name but mine
to make up things about myself
i wish were true

to fill in things i know they weren't asking for
(and didn't want to know)
when they asked for 'age' or 'name'
i'd rather have told them who i was
than what i was

'please certify that all this data is true'

or maybe to confuse the administration
a little bit
make up a person, 'ms eleanor smith'

like how my friends and i would
fill in names of celebrities for fun
on feedback forms
and what we imagined they'd say

so easily we fool others
and so easily we lose track
of people

your name, like mine
please sign here -> ____________
(replaceable)

+ posted by M @ 3:04 AM

...

upon reflection, i feel incredibly guilty. today is good friday (or was, an hour ago), the start of the easter triduum and i've just been consumed with thinking about art and theatre and things like that (as i often am). and it's not the first time that i feel my priorities seem to have taken a turn. i went for mass, i will be going on sunday, but emotionally i don't seem as vested as i used to be. i've effectively become a Sunday Catholic. though i observe lent and refrained from eating meat and things like that these 40 days, people have the idea i'm staunch and dedicated - but really, abstinence has become more of a habit for me than anything else. don't be fooled, it really isn't that hard to do.

what am i to do now? so many thoughts in so many directions.

+ posted by M @ 1:11 AM

...

i went for future of imagination today. i really liked some of the pieces. so open to interpretation and so, dare i say, intimate, even. intimate performances are the best, like 'language' and like foi, where you can't help but be just so AWARE of what is transpiring in front of you rather than paying $100+ for seats at musicals in which you still can't see the faces of the cast (sigh, but i'm still going for Westside!).

but in the midst of watching the turkish artist desperately trying to zip up her wedding gown and everyone looking on expectantly it just really struck me (as it often does at certain times) how artists are just so brave. they just have to put themselves out there all the time, risk getting laughed at by audiences who don't understand, risk getting yawned at by unappreciative audiences, having to put up with handphones that keep going off, having to live up to the expectations of audiences like me who go in with the mindset that 'i want to be wowed'. and most importantly they WANT to make sure the audience gets touched, gets moved, gets 'wowed' in the way they intended. it's hard not to worry about that. i know what it feels like to put up a show - all the apprehension, 'do they like it?', 'why are they laughing?', 'why are they NOT laughing?' and even then i was only involved in the production side. i didn't have to REALLY put myself out there because they weren't my words or my directing or my acting to give away.

that's why i don't want to go into producing or art management or whatever (i was vaguely insulted when carol thought i was going to do art management?!). and yet, i don't have that courage - to really put yourself out there as an artist and i keep assuming i'll find it eventually with everything i experience, but now i'm not sure. i'm already eighteen and still afraid of getting burned. maybe it's something people never grow out of but HAVE to do anyway. overcome the fear? suffer for your art? that's why i keep my poetry (if you can even call it that) relatively private and obviously unpublished. i just don't want people to really KNOW, yet. it's such a queer feeling, and people say that 'poetry is meant to be read and exhibited and blah' but for me it's really not the case. 'masturbatory writing', angela used to say.

i hate the feeling of 'exhibitions' ... sometimes i feel we're always just judging or gaping at things like people who stare at monkeys in cages and clapping like they've performed good tricks - and yet they can be awfully poetic. it all depends, i think.

i can imagine it being quite monumental - my first 'exhibition' or whatever. somehow i always imagine it being an exhibition rather than a film or a play because photos or art pieces seem so much easier to 'stage', in that sense. but i haven't even done art for the longest time, and as for photography i have zilch experience or equipment. then again, i don't know? i just feel a need to direct something, i think it will be fun. maybe a bunch of us should come together and just put up something. it would be absolutely mad. what am i talking about? i am an exhibit, this blog is an exhibit, we are all exhibits in a very disturbing sense. always this constant need to communicate, to connect, to display, to be a part of rather than to celebrate loneliness and individuality and singularity? i know i feel it all the time and at times i am starkly too much aware of myself.

performance art is really amazing in that sense, because the artist IS the art piece, technically. not much else is required, not many words ... just ideas, visuals, IDEAS! which really aren't easy to come by.

but why should i continue keeping secrets i don't wish to keep (but don't know how to share)? i'm beginning to realize that it really doesn't matter sometimes, what people know and what they don't know about me.

and i really want to do plenty of things and get involved in many things and meet many more people but it is just so hard because i have such a hard time managing my time and, argh!!

i want to take time off to just wander around SAM, it is such a wonderful, beautiful place ... and then after that walk around the whole island and explore.

also, it's so hard to trust people. i'm frankly quite disappointed by the lack of confidence i have in most of the people that surround me at present.

+ posted by M @ 12:18 AM

...	Friday, April 14, 2006

because i was bored and tired and my brain is incapable of doing anything other than finishing up pre-made sentences. now you can copy this and do it too (you know you want to).

my ex has sold his soul to the airforce (okay, that wasn't nice of me)

maybe i should just take a break from work

i love too many things, too little people

i don’t understand a lot of things, and yet i do

i lose track of the time i have left

people say i’m hard to read and never like what they expected

love is everything/the most important 'thing'/the absolute (i think most people know how i feel about this)

somewhere, someone is feeling just like i am

i will always think too much

forever is not real

i never want to sell out

i think the current US president is not helping the world be a better place (obviously)

when i wake up in the morning i just want to go back to sleep

my past was less than interesting, unnecessarily complicated and not something i share often

i get annoyed more easily nowadays, mostly with irritating customers

parties are for people who have the time to go for them

my dog is non-existent

my cat is non-existent

kisses are the best when they're hersheys

tomorrow is Good Friday, and i really should feel more pensive but all i can think is, 'NO WORK! NO WORK!'

i really want to have more time to appreciate the things i need to, yet have fulfilling jobs, have time to learn driving ... basically, have more time.

i have low tolerance for stupidity and people who are unnecessarily mean

+ posted by M @ 1:05 AM

...	Monday, April 10, 2006

late, cryptic, emo post that really shouldn't be here

there are times when everything seems to resonate of you. the beatles song i hum absentmindedly, something a friend says, something i read or write. especially times like these when it's late and i used to know that you were awake - you probably are now, but it doesn't matter anymore.

sometimes i wonder, if everyone wore their hearts on their sleeves - would everyone's spell a different name from the person they're with? maybe everyone feels the same way - a need for the person who isn't there.

sometimes, i find the shift a little hard to bear, the shift from having someone to talk to all the time about anything and everything to not hearing from you for weeks on end. i'm still getting used to it, to dealing with things on my own, to feeling alone and displaced after i wake up. i remember once waking up unexpectedly alone and finding it the most horrible feeling in the world until i found a semblance of a note - it felt like a one night stand that never even happened. and for a while i don't notice because i'm busy making myself busy, but really, every person i talk to or see is never an apt replacement for who you were to me. and it's not fair to them but sometimes, i can't help but be aware that they're not you (obviously, obviously, but the heart makes irrational realizations from time to time). i can't help wishing they liked the same music as you do (and i do), that they knew just how to listen like you did, that they could 'remember the time when...'. how does one simply forget all the history, all the skidmarks on the walls, all the ink on my hands and behave as though time has been rewound and erased. how do you behave like a stranger now, how have you become a stranger (when i can't)? things are never going to be the same if i keep trying to replace you. scars need to be left alone so they can fade in peace. i've written more poetry about you than i have anyone else. i've reread the poetry about you more than i've ever bothered to reread my other writing. why do i keep rehashing everything? am i afraid of forgetting? yes, i am. it would be so much easier to move on if i allowed myself to, but i just can't let the past slip. it's as though i feel new memories without you are incapable of being made.

sometimes, it's as though if i don't think about it enough, you never existed. i read things over and over again in order to make sure you were real, to make sure this longing isn't just something i made up, isn't just something i imagined, isn't just self-inflicted. it feels like i'm the only one in the world left with these memories and if i forget, we'd never have happened. with each day that passes, you become less and less real and that scares me.

sometimes i wonder, where are you now? what are you doing? do you remember anything at all? most importantly, are you happy?

sometimes (it's way too early, but) i think : i'm leaving in august and this will be it. we'll never talk again, i'll never see you again. maybe it's for the best?

i've said 'sometimes' way too many times, and now this sounds like a britney spears song gone wrong (and just like the things we used to laugh at).

+ posted by M @ 1:09 AM

...	Saturday, April 08, 2006

i'm so tired so tired so tired.

All the slander and double speak were only foolish attempts
to show you did not mean,
anything but the blatant proof was your lips touching mine in the photobooth

i can't think anymore tonight, goodnight.

+ posted by M @ 11:36 PM

...	Friday, April 07, 2006

after a week of sitting on it, i've decided i'm going to do Queen Ping. i've already emailed the caketheatre person and i hope they'll still take me on. the substation is shaping up to be quite disorganized and probably way too much admin work - at least with caketheatre i'll be sure of what i'm doing. REHEARSALS, rather than office-based work, which is really the point of my joining in and killing myself with 7pm-11pm rehearsals and probably day shifts at cedele.

i watched 'a language of their own' and it was brilliant. really the most moving play i've seen, like, ever (from what i remember. i mean, i have been impressed by certain productions like 'educating rita' and 'betrayal' but NOT ACTUALLY MOVED). i was afraid of falling asleep after my long and tiring workshift but it really didn't disappoint. the stage direction was interesting - i can't help but wonder what it would have been like if not done in such a minimalistic fashion. but i suppose in a sense, all is really stripped bare, and at the end of the day - it is you and the person you love that counts ... when it comes to love, that's all you really feel exists, you and me and no one else in the room matters. so i really did feel that coming from the play - that daniel, ming, robert and oscar were all worlds to the ones they loved and vice versa. everything else is immaterial but for the one you love, indeed.

and it makes me so proud that this was a local production. anyone who has ever had their hearts broken or has loved and lost, or simply just loved should watch this because it really just ... comes through. i loved it. also made me ponder a lot more on the HIV/AIDS situation, a cause i've never thought much about before.

anyway, my shift today was a pretty good one, i'd say. except for the rj girl that came in and was so damn condescending - just because i'm a waitress and i'm serving you doesn't mean i'm stupid. i know there's a difference between 'cherry pistachio' and 'chocolate pistachio', and clearly, i can speak proper english, with an accent even, if you like (since that's the benchmark of refinement and intelligence to you kids). all these customers don't realize they probably wouldn't last a day being in this business. anyway, about waitressing being unfulfilling - it is rather, as compared to zhaowei and drama stuff. at the end of all that DAMN hard work of being on shoot or on stage set you DO feel this like damn good feeling - like 'SHIOK' man, to put it very simply. waitressing never gives me that 'shiok' feeling - the only fulfilment i get is knowing i survived lunch hour, which really isn't much of a consolation. but i'm glad i'm doing it and i'm proving to myself and to people that i'm not just some shallow pampered brat - i can clear tables and i can serve people their food and i really don't feel as if i'm above this job. and i can be on my feet for hours on end and starve for the longest time and deal with the scary kitchen staff and stomach blastings from the manager - i am toughening up, i'm getting more used to life's hard knocks and i won't fall apart so easily. i'd much rather waitress than slice cakes anyway - i'd rather be stressed than bored.

and i have learnt so many important lessons from the various things i've joined this year - zhaowei, maldives, cedele. i just feel like i'm seeing so many new things (heck, i've been to part of a protected zone in the world) and meeting so many people who are so different from the crowd i've been used to in njc and scgs. met more poly grads and normal acad/tech students than ever, this year. i've learnt that a university/jc education is really not everything and there are really so many alternatives in this life. i'm really expanding my mindset continuously, everyday. i don't mind smokers as much anymore. some people act so awfully sensitive to it and go 'eww' and things like that, but the fact is that there are people who smoke and it's their choice so we've got to accept it. i've gotten used to second-hand smoke, i don't think any less of a person who smokes ... we all choose our own vices. and homosexuality, i've stopped assuming from the moment i meet someone that they're 'straight'. i don't make such assumptions anymore and i'm more than comfortable with not putting people in boxes ('gay', 'straight', 'bi') and i think a few people have been shocked by such a mindset. i'm just growing out of my sheltered life and it is GOOD because the last thing i want to be is apathetic and narrow-minded. i'm getting tougher and i'm learning to be a hell lot more resilient.

so i'm really fortunate, as much as i complain about being tired. because while i AM completely utterly totally exhausted and grumpy sometimes, i know God is showing me new things everyday and preparing me well for the tougher life in Chicago.

thank God there's no work tomorrow, i can't believe i'm working on a saturdayyyy. but it ought to be interesting, probably a completely different crowd of people. i want to experience the night shifts too.

+ posted by M @ 12:55 AM

...	Wednesday, April 05, 2006

i cannot waitress my life away, it is so incredibly UNFULFILLING and brain-numbing. i don't even know if i can properly appreciate 'a language of their own' after my eight hour shift tomorrow. i need coffee. i cannot say 'to hell with interning'. i am going to do the substation as soon as i get the details. i am going to usher for wild rice if i can. i am still wondering about Queen Ping. if i have to cut back or even get sacked because of my lack of commitment to cedele ... i don't really care. i'll give my 100% during my shifts, but if our schedules don't work out - too bad. it's not worth my while and i've learnt that in the FnB business there's no such thing about owing the management commitment when they're bloody paying you $4.50 an hour. make it $6 and then we'll talk. i'm getting paid cafe rates for a restaurant job scope - so damn sly the management is. just because they think they're still sort of a cafe when they're clearly not.

i can't stand the bourgeousie crowd. I CANNOT. cedele attracts such pretentious middle-class snobs. i am irritated with them, completely. singaporeans are so darn pretentious, they behave so snotty just because they can afford a meal at cedele. well, so can i, but i don't bloody act like i'm the Queen of England. and even then, the Queen of England shouldn't be acting snotty anyway. status is nothing. DIE YUPPIES, DIE!

+ posted by M @ 9:02 PM

...	Tuesday, April 04, 2006

'mel being in the industry requires so much patience to plough through mundane paper work and admin, and all those technical bits, for film esp. how are we to endure all THAT?! i'm already tired and there are so many alternatives just staring me in the face. i won't die if i don't lead an artistic creative life. i just want to live and learn, mel. but. there are so many buts!!'

-says carol

so i'm thinking maybe i should just say, 'to hell with interning'. the arts festival is coming up. SIFF is coming up. i don't NEED to be involved and come home dead tired at 12am every night due to rehearsals. i don't need the extra stress of coordinating my waitressing job with intern commitments. i can be comfortably seated at the esplanade or drama centre WATCHING. yeah, maybe i should just study acting in university and become a thespian. maybe i should just not bother until i graduate and write some script and am directing and hiring interns myself. so maybe for now i'm done with interning, done with being neither here nor there and only being part of the creative process in the most mundane way.

and it is not as though i have never done drama rehearsals in my life. maybe i'll just go back to help nj with dramafest if i really feel i have to be involved in something - though i quite doubt i want to live through the rehearsal hell with benzie shouting and everyone being ridiculously tense.

yet I KNOW i will be dissatisfied. i know i will get bored. i knowww i knowww. and worse still, what if i do not create anything?! which, is a very realistic possibility judging from the sort of nonsense poetry i've churned out over the past few years of my life. like carol said, 'in and out of auditions, i've met so many people who just don't make it' and you know what, it's true. that's what we're all scared of. dedicating yourself to a life of art but in the end finding you lack the gift for it - and believe me, it takes a long time to figure that out.

i'm still young, i'm still young, i'm still young. it's something i repeat over and over again in an attempt to get myself to calm down. my excuse is my youth. my age buys me time.

but what's the point of thinking of all this stuff now. i'm just so tired. if the substation still does not reply me, i will think about Queen Ping. if i decide not to do Queen Ping, which, quite frankly, looks dubious, then THAT IS IT. TNS mobile doesn't interest me much either. i know it's more of just experiencing it rather than whether the production interests me ... but you know, i'm picky, okay? so maybe my days as an intern are OVER. I WILL LEARN TO OCCUPY MYSELF WITH OTHER THINGS. too bad if all of you theatre companies wanted to milk the free labour deal - it is not fair to leave a fresh-eyed, idealistic 18 year old girl hanging like that! i am not replying your emails if they come in two weeks after i replied so very enthusiastically.

suddenly i feel like teaching. oh, i have to stop thinking about jobs.

it's really not that far off to august. also, yes, i've decided - i am going to Chicago.

this entry was really unnecessarily verbose.

+ posted by M @ 12:45 AM