I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

Every room I get awake
Every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet

Only when I start to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Every time I lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

Only when I start to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Only when I start to think about you I know
Only when you start to think about me do you know

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

+ posted by M @ 11:44 PM

...	Sunday, May 30, 2004

i went for sunday mass today after a two week hiatus.

and i know for sure that i need God in my life. today's gospel reading was john 20:19-23.

If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."

John 20:23

i was very angry last night. very angry. i have not been that angry for a long time. but anger is just a way of dealing with the deep hurt that has been caused. i wanted to see that person suffer, i wanted to exact revenge. i have been used and abused and neglected and mistreated. but today, i went to church, and i knew that God, my God who loves me so much, would want me to forgive that person and to love that person, despite all the hurt that the person has inflicted on me. and i know that God, MY MIGHTY GOD THAT RULES OVER ALL, will give me the strength that i need to forgive and fill my heart with love.

there's enough hate in this world - i don't need to be another person that contributes.

those that do not understand the great mercy of God will probably think me stupid for continuing to be friends with this person, for continuing to love this person - so be it. Jesus Christ will be my light.

+ posted by M @ 10:33 PM

...	Saturday, May 29, 2004

today

broken hearts club. says:
no one loves me
cowabunga! says:
Thats rubbish..
cowabunga! says:
Your family loves you.
cowabunga! says:
I love you!
cowabunga! says:
Serious
cowabunga! says:
And I'm not saying this to humour you!

thanks sherm. i think i quite needed that at that point of time even though i didn't show it.

and so shirin asked me today: are you in love, mel? are you in love?

+ posted by M @ 11:03 PM

...	Thursday, May 27, 2004

on a side note, rj rugby won yesterday. not that i am associated with either ac or rj - but ac WHAT ARE YOU DOING? no more self declared holidays for you man.

aci lose to sa rugby. acj lose to rj rugby. ac girls lose to nj girls hockey. ac tennis cannot win rj tennis. canoeing - nj sure win. swimming also i think rj got more chance this year. lose lose lose.

ha. ha. ha. WHY LIKE THAT?

whatever. can't believe i'm bothering with ac rj stuff. but just thought it was interesting to note.

anywayyy. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. just made myself eat a little bit of toothpaste. it was so gross. i better get sick soon. like, i mean, really sick. really really sick. really really really sick.

sigh. i talked to a friend of mine last night. i wish things would sort out but maybe i'm the one making it difficult and complicated. i just wish i could say out everything i've been keeping back. but as usual, i guess it is all my fault..

my mind is in a mess.

+ posted by M @ 3:37 PM

...	Wednesday, May 26, 2004

sherm and i have this crazy and plausible plan.

we are going to quit school, run away to woodlands and rent a flat. then we will bake cookies all day and become the ben and jerry's of cookie world. daryl, mr good lookin himself, will give away free kisses. first come first serve. there are only so many girls [and guys?] he can kiss before he gets tired and insists on quitting.

any pre-orders? i give discounts to special people.

+ posted by M @ 10:39 PM

...	Monday, May 24, 2004

choose me. marry me. let me make you happy.

- julianne, my best friend's wedding.

i'm a sap. i've cried every single time i watch that show - which is about four to five times.

+ posted by M @ 7:47 PM

...

terence has enlightened me! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

what about? you ask. well today he was telling me about five dollar movies screened at Clementi Empress and Bedok Princess! at first i thought he was faking me but everyone else seemed to know so i don't think he's faking me. omg so cool so cool so cool and everyone seemed to know and i didn't. SO COOL. i want to go but chew zhao xin refuses to humour me... he told me he used to go as a kid and .. anyway shared some stuff with me about his childhood movie experiences. it's little conversations like these where people tell me interesting things about themselves that really keep me going through the day.

couldn't help thinking about five dollar troy the whole day. really value for money. and he was complaining about how he couldn't catch today's show because it was at five thirty and he ended at five and i said why not take a taxi and he said the whole point of going to this place is to save money or else he might as well go to town. yes that makes a lot of sense. he said he'd go watch by himself and bring in all his KFC stuff and just eat and laugh and.. well.. be terence. and there'd only be around 6 or 7 people in the place. and he got to sit anywhere he liked and .. so cool man. SO COOL. i find it terribly amusing that he does these things.

very cool. uber cool. i'm like so amazed by the existence of such interesting places. i don't care someone is going there with me sometime.

+ posted by M @ 6:47 PM

...	Saturday, May 22, 2004

things are in total complete sticky mess.

i'm too tired to write about it. i just need to talk to someone about it till it all gets out. who's willing to be my canvas?

touching on other things.. am a complete emotional wreck. have been going through a great series of lows and highs [more often lows] and getting extremely extremely high and insane over the smallest of things presumably because i'm stressed.

disclaimer: if you think i sound chirpy and happy - i'm not. that's just how i deal with things, by acting till i forget i'm acting.

i wish i could just be myself.

damn. i am beginning to sound like whiny teen and the number of times i've used the word 'damn' is increasing lately. this is not good. on the other hand, angie sent me this quite some time ago and i found it interesting [partly because of the earnestness the broken english conveys].

VIRGO WOMAN

She has an egg shape facial structure, high and round forehead. She likes to look straight as if she is searching. She is not a pretentious type and will always say what she thinks.

You will see Virgo woman walks fast. She will try her best to be perfect, to look perfect and to feel perfect even though there is no such perfection. She is very delicate of what and how she dress. She is bright and easily despair with obstacles. She likes smart guy who will be compatible with her, so if you are a rich dumb guy, you can forget about her right now.

She is not a very possessive or jealous person for she expects respect from her love one. She does not like a part time lover, or a temporary mate. If she finds her dream man, she will not go away. If she does not like you, she will always keep a certain distant. Act proper and appropriate is her discipline.

She does not like and can not stand bad languages, cursing words or phrase. She likes a gentleman who opens the doors for her. She wants to feel protected and when a man taking care of her, she will feel like a complete woman.

She memorizes everything about other people and about herself very well. She can really keep secret, you can trust her on this. She likes a refreshing and a mild scent. She is very delicate in maintaining her beauty, so you could see she is seriously picking soap which match and most suit her skin. Do not comment her on this very picky habits, it is her happiness in working full times as a self beautifier.

She is not an innocent angel for sometimes she can be as tough as steel. Even she easily despair, she is not the type to cry over it. She is a shy type, so making speech in front of the room can make her nervous even she walks and talks confidently.

She only searches for true love, not just any love. Her love is an ideal one. She likes to think no one is neater and as effective as her, which can irritate you sometimes for there is no such thing. She likes sweet talk, but she can slip and say something unpredictable and unbearable to you too. When she stops getting mad, she will totally forget what she just said and be an angel again. If you have a date with her, you'd better be there on time.

Flowers and sweet word can calm her down. If you want to say sorry, make it brief and straight forward. Do not drag your apologetic words into a long making it up event, it could lead you to another world war. She likes her man to dress nice and clean. She is good in details especially with money. Do not make she thinks that she is a clown or funny. In the beginning of knowing her, please try not to glance at other pretty woman so much. Early period of dating her, try not to hold her so much in public, it would not be a proper thing to do. She loves books, stage play and music and likes to criticize about them too.

Criticism woman is her icon including big and small things in life starting from your hair, your dress , and the way you talk. If you are in love with her, be as almost perfect as your can.

actually got my palm read yesterday for the heck of it. i was out with cheryl and we chanced upon this extremely peculiar machine that reads your palm after you insert your hand into the mouth of the talking sculpture thing. interesting enough. made weird sounds and people stared.

what the heck.

+ posted by M @ 7:35 PM

...	Thursday, May 20, 2004

i will not write about yesterday's sports day affair. all you have to know is that i missed it because i took blue slip.

anyway. last night proved to be one of the most stressful nights in all my years of being a lit student. all thanks to the poetry assignment teo asked us to do - Leopard Skin by Douglas Stewart. i swear i stared at the poem so long and so hard [since monday night] that i think i have memorized it. since the damn internet doesn't contain ANYTHING about this poem whatsoever [you can't even find the bloody thing through google] i will attempt to type it out from memory. yes, i looked at it THAT HARD.

Leopard Skin by Douglas Stewart

Seven pairs of leopard skin underpants
Flying on the rotary clothes-line! Oh, look, look, virgins
how with the shirts and pyjamas they whirl and dance
and think no more, in your own trembling emergence
like butterflies into the light, that tall soft boy
who nightly over the radio crooned and capered
alone in his room in weird adolescent joy
is mother's boy, softy: has he not slain a leopard?

But more than that: does he not wear its skin
Secretly, daily, superbly? Oh, girls, adore him
For dreaming on velvet feet to slay and to sin
He prowls the suburbs, the wild things flee before him
He miaous at the leopardesses, and they stop
He is a leopard: he bought himself in a shop.

oh my GOOD GOD. I MEMORIZED THE ENTIRE POEM. that is how much i thought about it ok, HOW MUCH. waste my memory space. oh my god oh my god what is wrong with me. oh my god am reeling in shock from what i have just typed out.

on the other hand, maybe this means i have a photographic memory if i try hard enough.

this poem is about sex - do not deny that you thought about sex the first minute you read it. and yes, my whole critical analysis was about SEX. i think i may be the only one who didn't try to give an answer more fitting of MOE's wholesome answer schemes. though i admit i racked my brains so hard to put my ideas across in a less offensive away - thus resulting in today's [worse than usual] brain drain.

but frankly, the first time i read it, other than the word 'sex' there were other reactions of mine to it, such as, 'what the heck?' and then i talked about it with some other people and they all talked about struggling with identity and essentially had very tame ideas.

needless to say i procrastinated till ten thirty at night and sat at my desk and willed myself not to tear my hair out. wrote about two paragraphs about identity crisis and awkwardness of adolescence before deciding i didn't really understand that point of view. stared blankly and sadly at the wall in front of me till parents came back and i asked my mom to read it. bad move. she gave some warped and obviously off-key analysis about how it was about A BABY BOY. this further confused me. then asked my dad to which he replied matter of factly that it was about sex and the permissiveness of Australian society towards sex. told dad i couldn't possibly write that and he asked why not - if my lit teacher truly understood the poem then it would be acceptable for me to tell it like it is and if she thought my views warped she was obviously a moron. you probably didn't get that but i'm hoping you didn't. anyway. to cut a long story short, dad basically told me not to sugar coat it and not give a mild answer - i needed to cut deep into the poem.

i mulled over that for the longest time because while i agreed - i didn't really dare to write about that in my essay. finally decided to go with my gut feeling - a good poet always intends a gut feeling. so wrote about sex and soon i can expect my lit teacher to send me for counselling for having a perverse mind.

anyway, why should sex be such a taboo. perhaps lit teacher is a lot more open-minded than i think. heck moe and it's constricting ideas about such things being immoral - they exist and so they exist and i will write about it truthfully and honestly. LITERATURE IS TRUTH. they should stop trying to glaze our eyes over with rosetinted glass. so in essence, this poetry homework brought up a whole lot of other issues for me - not just that is was so hard to tackle - but WHY it was so hard to tackle. because i was afraid to write about my views for fear of getting labelled 'sick in the mind'. if i don't overcome that fear - if none of us overcome that fear - we will never be able to write as ourselves, truly. there is nothing wrong with sex and people should not make us feel that there is. it is we who taint things for ourselves with our own foolish and twisted humanity.

+ posted by M @ 8:29 PM

...	Wednesday, May 19, 2004

after doing some critical analysis and careful evaluation - have decided that chinese teacher is my favourite teacher in njc [excluding my form teacher]. it is easy to see why i like my form teacher - everyone does. so instead i will tell you about my chinese teacher.

she has appointed me as new chinese rep because jeremy is leaving chinese class. at first i thought that was the biggest joke of the century [wait, millenium is closer to it] - ME? CHINESE REP? but now i see that this wholly exemplifies and gives new meaning to the phrase, 'GIVE CHANCE'. even though i cut almost every single chinese class in the span of three months she has shown undying faith in my ability to reform by appointing me chinese rep. i will change my ways, i promise. [although i suspect she did it to deter me from skipping classes] the communication barrier is not a problem. i am willing to push myself hard to speak to her in chinese no matter how broken up it sounds. yes, will persevere. great. CHINESE DEPARTMENT, DON'T LOOK DOWN.

oh God i suspect i have had zx+candy+ven overdose and thus... resulting in this entry that sounds scarily like them. hey, but i do really mean it about liking my chinese teacher quite a fair bit:) oh actually my math teacher is also quite nice. ECONS, GP - OUT.

what is nj doing to me.. what is nj doing to me. arg. am suffering from nervous breakdown.

+ posted by M @ 7:47 PM

...	Tuesday, May 18, 2004

oh yes SYF! how could i forget. my very first time being, um, sort of active in a CCA.

well it was okay. got dismissed early and then went to tchs and stood around. rj and tp were there too. everyone was sort of sizing each other up. very interesting experience. have been faced with task of writing report on it and i have no idea how to go about it. well, saw shawn with the pj drama. he shocked me because i was just standing around in some sort of daze waiting till it was nj's turn and from behind a voice went, 'mel!'

he looked so.. shawn. which is good. you know, though shawn and i aren't close, i'll say he has to be one of the FEW people i've met in nj with so much heart and spirit and he's definitely left a deep impression on me. his love for God, his outlook on life - is just amazing. he's an amazing person and he'll probably be surprised to know i think of him this way. was in a bad mood that day but seeing him just made me feel so much better. it must be because Jesus works through him. he glows.

well, saw the dio lookalike from rj. omg omg SO SIMILAR. told my friend and some seniors and we were just fascinated by the immense similarity. almost identical i tell you. too bad dio wasn't there to see for himself.

finally we were up, all went well [except for the box bottom facing the side]. the cast really rehearsed well - no bungling up of lines. there were some laughs but i had watched it so often that the funny parts just didn't tickle me anymore. it was a real anti-climax after the thing ended. we got back on the bus and everyone was sort of still and haresh talked about his gp homework. well, results are out in ten days or so and i hope we get that gold.

meanwhile, i really have to get down to writing the report.

+ posted by M @ 6:02 PM

...

OBLIQUED.BLOGSPOT.COM promises great comic relief, or is it just me?

anyhow, am sick again. voice is raspy in a bad way, shoulders ache, and have a harsh cough. plus am breaking out. what is wrong with me. thinking about it properly, how am i going to pass my common tests seeing as i have been absent like every other week and my tuition is like irregular and during june hols i will be in the states visiting colleges so like, yeah i can just prepare to fail and crash and burn and die like NOW.

good Lord, how many times did i use 'like'? i swear its the flu getting to my brain. anyway, am really quite worried about common tests in july.. and thinking about it clearly, my SATs.. there are so many so many things. damn damn damn.

if i manage to qualify for some nice uni in the states though, and since i'll be informed by like start of next year or something, I WILL QUIT SCHOOL. I WILL QUIT NJC. you have no idea how much satisfaction it will give me to go to the principal's office or hod's office or whatever and just WITHDRAW FROM THE DAMN SCHOOL. after that fact dawned on me yesterday, i'm a lot more motivated to do well in SATs and get things done for university applications this year. please let me leave. please.

thinking about it just makes me so happy.

on a less positive side though, teo has given the lit students this homework to be done. Leopard Skin by Douglas Stewart and i am at a total loss for words. she hasn't even returned me my marilyn monroe work yet okay. i am in no mood or state to deal with some incomprehensible prac crit homework now.

let's talk about what i've done for the past weekend. on friday classmates came over and prepped for college day. henry is so clever, he knows how to clean squid. it's quite amazing, really. he taught me how to play pool properly. then on saturday morning i had to wake up at eight-thirty to take out the ingredients from my fridge and let it thaw. they came over at nine something and terry cooked 100 burgers. a whole lot of cooking and preparation ensued. tiring, but fun. then, the rest left for school while terry and i stayed behind to shower first. after which terry carried the cartons of drinks to the cab and we cabbed to school. got to school, set up the stall [deco was the nicest around, in my opinion] and the rest of the day was just an energy-sapping affair. tried desperately to get people to buy. finally talked to yiyang instead of just hi-bye :) such a cute one.

left early and felt guilty after that but i guess i'd sort of done my bit already. had dinner at billy bomber's and the place is painfully slow. not going back ever.

on sunday, didn't go for church. feel terrible. didn't really do anything. worked out in the morning for an hour or so because i felt like it and then i read a book [stargirl by jerry spinelli. its one of the many books i left half read on my desk]. it's beautiful. i've promised myself i will read at least one book a week. keeps me alive, seriously. if i totally stop reading i know that i'll end up failing my lit common test because my brain will dry up and lit is the only thing i have a slight chance of getting A for so i can't screw it up for myself.

after that, went to town to meet bea and got a sunflower for gayle from cold storage because the wisma floral was closed. aj concert was quite a sad affair. gayle didn't inform us that the second half was CO. and we were late. so we only watched about twenty minutes or so before looking around for a place to chat during the CO bit. it was really nice seeing the SC girls again.. oh God i miss it so..

bea and i noted that aj guys > nj guys. we couldn't stop staring at this councillor. sam nagged at us, told us to get a grip. hmm. must be all the cat high guys. [haha]

had fondue at haagen daz. brilliant. talked and talked till the concert was over and then tried desperately to find gayle so we could talk because we hadn't seen her in ages but she had to get on a bus back to school. in the end we rushed out to the loading bay and waited for her and felt like people at changi arrival gates. finally gayle came for like ten seconds and we hugged her and told her how much we loved her and she looked so happy and it felt so.. nice.

dammit. i miss them. and i don't like this entry because its so mundane but anyhow - that's how the weekend was for me, somewhat. just skimming the surface - you forget that nothing is complete without you.

+ posted by M @ 5:35 PM

...	Monday, May 17, 2004

Sensuality by Kenneth Slessor

Feeling hunger and cold, feeling
Food, feeling fire, feeling
Pity and pain, tasting
Time in a kiss, tasting
Anger and tears, touching
Eyelids and lips, touching
Plague, touching flesh, knowing
Blood in the mouth, knowing
Laughter like flame, holding
Pickaxe and pen, holding
Death in the hand, hearing
Boilers and bells, hearing
Birds, hearing hail, smelling
Cedar and sweat, smelling
Petrol and sea, feeling
Hunger and cold, feeling
Food, feeling fire. . . .

Feeling.

+ posted by M @ 9:07 PM

...	Tuesday, May 11, 2004

hurray. am not as computer illiterate as imagined. was feeling nostalgic and 'creative' and narcissistic today so there you have it - photos for your viewing pleasure.

under the link 'narcissistic', obviously.

+ posted by M @ 6:00 PM

...

well well. i really am sick today. am suffering from some funny stomach flu of sorts. while i am in pain, am also happy that got to skip math test today which apparently [surprise surprise] was uber hard.

conversation i had with brother last night after worrying terribly about stupid math test,

me: i don't believe i should ever need differentiation in my life - it makes no difference to me at all whether i've learnt it or not.
jon: it is always good to have some extra knowledge.
me: i don't even need it to become an accountant should i ever want to be one.
jon [in sudden outburst]: well, i am learning the menstrual cycle at school! do you think that is of any relevance to me? i bet you don't even know how the menstrual cycle works in detail! in what way am i to apply this to my life?
me: perhaps you might want to be a gynae someday.
jon: see, that's exactly it. perhaps one day you'll want to be a math genius.

i highly doubt so. a gynae is more so prospective for my brother [because after all he does like science] than a math genius is for me [in the first place i don't even have the makings]. and anyway, even if my brother isn't going to be a gynae - i should think that learning about the menstrual cycle helps brothers to deal with PMSing sisters.

+ posted by M @ 1:37 PM

...	Monday, May 10, 2004

a few entries back i said everyone was in love. well, i am too. i am rediscovering the Things That Matter.

i am not physically sick. i stayed home today, just to read and maybe watch a bit of tv and then maybe do some of my math before failing tomorrow's test bravely. yes, insane i am. irresponsible, i am. self-centred, i am. but nonetheless, a lot more at peace and a lot happier right now.

and yes, i admit i feel slightly guilty for not being at drama today while the crew gets high on spraypaint, and i feel guilty for knowing how much work i've actually done this year [none] and i feel guilty for basically 'destroying' my academic life and perfect attendance record - but not guilty enough.

i just sat down for a while in bed today, and started reading Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto. in the few minutes and just past the first few pages - i remembered. i remembered what it was like to have a book in your hands and read and read like there's nothing else in existence. to actually think about things, to care about characters that exist only in ink and paper [seemingly, for a character is always but another part of the author], to be there on the page, among the words and to witness in your mind what is happening. to lose track of time and procrastinate and love every moment of it. and perhaps in the long run you will say i shouldn't have spent so much time reading - that i should have spent more of my time studying my math and memorizing my economics concepts - but now is now and right now, i'm immersed in words.

i remember what it is like to feel. i remember what it is like to love.

+ posted by M @ 4:19 PM

...	Saturday, May 08, 2004

the words are in my mouth. melting, dissolving, simmering - and i taste them.

the lines call out to me, gasping, and i strain so hard to hear, and i try so hard to see - and i know that i know, and i know that i feel, but i don't know all at the same time.

poetry is so enigmatic.

+ posted by M @ 7:21 PM

...	Monday, May 03, 2004

why the heck NJ has ridiculous CCAs such as Lion Dance is something i will never fathom.

there i am, the spraypaint fumes eating into my empty stomach, perspiring in my drab starchy factory worker uniform [when all i really want to do is lie on my bed and sleep till the world drops dead]- and if that's not enough, the lion dance troupe seems intent on making me go deaf.

i admit that i am a spoilt brat who does not know what suffering is, so please do not try to enlighten me on the luxuries of my life.

on a much lighter note though, drama is quite interesting.

i mean, yah.

as you can see i am rather at a loss for words today because certain presumed incidents have led me to conclude that i must now kiss my ex-co position in drama goodbye. i wanted to write about the complexity and goodness of humankind and life today but all words have escaped me. i suppose i shall have to wait for a better time.

+ posted by M @ 7:18 PM

...	Sunday, May 02, 2004

When You are Old by WB Yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

i was searching this morning for Christy Brown's work ever since my dad told me i should strive to be like him. If he can write poetry with his left foot, why can't you write poetry amidst this grey environment as you so put it? Unfortunately and ironically, the movie based on his life story has become so famous it is hard to find his poetry because google gives you the movie reviews instead. perhaps dad is right, though at this point i feel like no one will ever understand this constriction i experience.

i talked with carol last night, and she said something - 'i dont want you to ... go away'. i knew exactly what she meant. she doesn't want me to cross over to the other side, to leave this realm of beauty and hope and of Things That Matter. she put it very aptly with that simple phrase. yes, i am slipping away, each day from the shores of life. i say this seriously and without dramatism - life is not life when you do not write, when you do not feel for words. ink is the very blood that courses through my veins and words i do bleed, perhaps sometimes too easily. it has been a struggle, to keep alive, to keep from letting go of myself - and i refuse. i refuse to let go.

i've made my decision. i will continue to love and read and write and think and find beauty in wilfred owen and alvin pang. what keeps me going? love. words. literature. the hope of getting to a poetry reading sometime soon. fear not my friends, you haven't lost me to The Other Side.

+ posted by M @ 12:48 PM

...	Saturday, May 01, 2004

i never used to, but now i do - you are one of the people i pretend to.

and i know you can't tell

+ posted by M @ 11:34 AM