talked to colin today. everytime i talk to him i feel a little rotten. we don't keep in touch much but he's studying at a UK prep school now and applying to UK Universities, so he asked how my applications were going.

the last time we talked, when i told him i wanted to study 'English', he just said, 'English is nice. but what are you going to do with it though?' and being me [my oft biased self], i gave him a long lecture about beauty and truth and studying what you really like and how English is a lot more important than many other things [he's going to study economics, ew?].

anyway, his mom apparently relayed to mine [in one of those long distance phone calls] that he was actually very interested in English and when he told his father he wanted to study English in university his father just yelled at him, 'What are you going to do? Become a teacher? NO!' so when my mom related this conversation to me shortly after i had lectured him about the wonders of English, i felt terribly guilty. i suppose i'm lucky that my parents allow me to study whatever i choose - more or less. angry scottish fathers don't sound very good to me. it pains me that kids aren't allowed by their parents to pursue there passions, but unfortunately there's that little thing called 'realism' that keeps knocking insistently at the door. i've managed to ignore it most of the time, much to my detriment [in terms of grades, etc etc].

oh well.

+ posted by M @ 11:55 PM

...	Thursday, September 29, 2005

this will be a movie entry.

watched Last Life In The Universe last night. as well as a couple of films over the past few days. rented and watched Raising Victor Vargas and The Motorcycle Diaries. and thus, am currently rather interested in El Che now. makes international history come alive, doesn't it [although it really has nothing to do with globalization at the moment, but still]. maybe i should watch more history films, like the one about the CMC with Kevin Kostner in it. but my IH is okay. it's my SEA that's a problem - are there any movies that are about SEA history?

i bought the Nobody Knows dvd [because i had to own it] and Apocalypse Now Redux dvd from my trip to borders today. looking forward to watching Apocalypse Now. i still have 2046 and A Streetcar Named Desire to watch, which i rented.

Last Life In The Universe was a very puzzling movie. i didn't really understand what was going on. beautifully shot, yes. and you get hints of what is happening but most of the time it's painfully ambiguous. yuehan says he prefers it this way, that 'uncertainty is beautiful' but i find i'm the sort of person who just has to know what's going on in a film. i can't stand not knowing, i can't stand it.

also rented and watched some of Pretty Woman. i say some because i was so bored halfway i stopped watching. it is warped and unromantic. i do not understand the hype at all. i also found My Best Friend's Wedding rather boring when i watched it with bea last week. there she was crying and crying and i just thought Julianne was scheming and mean and Dermot Mulroney was a rather unattractive pick for the role. i used to cry buckets when i watched that movie. i guess it all depends on the mood.

oh, and i must finish up The Godfather trilogy. i still have the final instalment to watch. Godfather trilogy or LOTR? i pick Godfather. frankly LOTR bores me. but anyway.

i must start studying soon. full force. i'm beginning to feel a little better, despite things still being in a mess. but as long as i feel better about it - that's the first step. i think it's the chocolate-coated gummies i am consuming right now, frankly. sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdities of life, or else it'll kill you.

+ posted by M @ 6:10 PM

...	Wednesday, September 28, 2005

edit: a small epiphany

i've just finished watching Magnolia, which i kept from yuehan for a month. it's pretty heavy stuff and hard to get through. something like Requiem For A Dream [which is the most depressing movie i have ever watched in my life] but more complicated and draggy and not so much about drugs and sex. i watched half of it last night and the last half today because i really needed to return it to him and i don't like not watching things i've kept for so long and not knowing what to say when he asks what i thought of it. maybe it came at a right time. the whole movie is pretty screwed up - a whole display of peoples' screwed up lives but the ending is worth the wait. i guess that's how life is, it may be all messy and grimy and disgusting but that final moment where a glimmer of light reaches you is worth all the gunk. and it's never too late to turn your life around. so that's what i got from finishing that movie, and i'm glad. i'm going to try to be strong. i'm going to try to stay positive. i'm going to get through this. and i really hope there's light at the end of the tunnel.

+ posted by M @ 5:09 PM

...

Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.

Psalm 69:1-3

+ posted by M @ 4:31 PM

...	Tuesday, September 27, 2005

today is possibly the single most worst day of my life.

i have no idea how to react to these circumstances, what to do, what to say. i am at a complete and utter loss. and sometimes when people ask if i'm okay i just don't want to talk about it and sometimes i do. i don't even know what to talk about.

my life is falling apart. i want to cry about it, but i can't. generic teenage angst. etc etc etc. okay.

enough.

i'm sorry if i don't reply any messages [online or sms] because i'm really hardly ever at my computer nowadays and sometimes i just don't feel like talking and sms is a convenient way of avoiding talk. good luck to all of you.

+ posted by M @ 8:06 PM

...	Sunday, September 25, 2005

why am i doing this? i don't know.

SEVEN THINGS YOU PLAN TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1 open a cafe
2 direct a film
3 direct a play
4 act? maybe
5 write something of substance. just one thing.
6 love, love, love.
7 be right with God

SEVEN THINGS I COULD DO
1 study harder
2 stop procrastinating
3 pray more
4 be more disciplined
5 be less judgmental
6 read more
7 open up more to people

SEVEN CELEBRITY CRUSHES [more like the ones i admire]
1 Jake Gyllenhaal
2 Kate Winslet
3 Johnny Depp
4 Colin Firth
5 Jena Malone
6 Mark Ruffalo
7 Kirsten Dunst

SEVEN OFTEN REPEATED WORDS
1 seriously
2 beautiful
3 amazing
4 omg
5 wow
6 cool
7 die

SEVEN PHYSICAL TRAITS I LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX
... nothing in particular, really. i prefer to look at what they're wearing or what they're carrying. good book [danbrown/harrypotter/generic grisham book - those don't count]? artwork? guitar? yup. that kind of thing. sad to say, haven't actually seen a guy carry anything of interest to me before.

okay, i watched quidam today. it was beyond amazing. will sleep now. don't know why so awfully tired.

+ posted by M @ 12:11 AM

...	Saturday, September 24, 2005

shopping yesterday was not all that exciting. i only bought one thing. i'm quite into black right now. there were other things that caught my eye but Zara collection was quite ick.

and what i really want to do is look around at heeren and far east for offbeat stuff. and beads. BEADS. SHINY STUFF!

anyhow. the other thing i really want to do is watch tons and tons of movies. and go to a cinema. i'm not that starved for the cinema because i had my Be With Me date a few weeks back, but i quite want to see The Brothers Grimm. what else is there to watch? not that much, at present. had a 3 movie marathon with bea on thursday. it really felt good, i still wanted more after that. i can just sit there and watch straight on. and read. i need to read. and i need to do my college applications.

it was quite strange because yesterday after i had left the girls and was walking towards wheelock i was approached by some lady to do a savings survey thing. obviously because she thought i was working/university student. after having told her i was still in jc, she asked if i could leave me contacts because i might need to services next time. i did so just to help her out. she probably had to hit a certain quota. anyway while i was filling it out, we made small chat and amongst other things such as telling me upon first glance i looked like i was out of town, she asked what i planned to study and suggested, 'medicine?' and i quite looked at her in shock, as if not really believing my ears. 'medicine?!' how how HOW ironic. told her i was an arts student. do i look science-y? i know i'm all biased but i don't want to resemble a science student! we arts students take some pride in being in the arts - all our grumbling about how we're neglected by the school is part of that pride.

i have no qualms admitting that at times i can be very pretentious.

and the whole out of town thing. i get that a lot. possibly because when i walk by myself i look rather out of place and detached. when i'm alone i like to detach myself and just be. there are plenty of people who are so plugged in that they feel weird alone in town, but i love it. i love to wander around by myself, people watch and think. or maybe it's because i hardly feel like i'm part of this country, failing to sing the national anthem and say the pledge for about a year now. don't ask me why - i just decided to stop. i have multiple hangups, and this is one of them.

i'm a very queer person and hard to live with, having so many hangups. but most people don't really really know me, because, who really really knows anyone? and sometimes i like it that way, but most times it gets dreadfully lonely.

+ posted by M @ 10:59 AM

...	Wednesday, September 21, 2005

exams make every single thing distracting. i have developed a real thing for necklaces and bracelets and such accessories at present. spent quite some time sorting them out the other night. maybe i'll start making my own accessories - but i doubt it. i'm not into craft. attention span for it is way too short. really like some of the stuff i saw on shopintuition.com though. why don't they ship to singapore. argh. going to check out bead shops after exams just to satisfy my cravings. anyone know places where i can get offbeat pendants? i won't take perlini's for an answer.

have started recieving a new show [euphemistically speaking]. entourage, it's a HBO series. couldn't get enough of Adrien Grenier, and what better way to watch him then in a tv series? i like his hair. there are plenty of things in my computer screaming - 'WATCH ME!'. High Fidelity, Groundhog Day, a couple of Nip/Tuck season 1 episodes, A Cook's Tour. and stuff that's not on my computer too. Election [i felt like reliving my tracy flick days after the OC's version of her], Magnolia [yuehan's, actually. i've kept it for a month :/], Adaptation [i'm looking to watch it a second time after i first watched it in secondary school. i'm sure my interpretation of it will be different]. and i ordered the Undeclared series and Thirteen off amazon. looking forward to getting that in maybe a week's time. i have a thing for '90s teen shows. want My So-Called Life, Popular, Life As We Know It. but, well. also wish i was allowed to blow a huge amount of cash on that 70s show dvds but. my parents. would. kill. me.

also, i seriously want to watch Proof, Jarhead and Brokeback Mountain. yes, you guessed it - Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake, Jake, Jake. how exciting. and Proof also because it was originally a play written by a Chicago alum and some shooting takes place on campus.

my taste in music is cyclical. after listening to plumb, jewel, alana davis and lisa loeb for days on end [going through the whole girls with guitars circa '90s music], have gone back to emo [also known as, 'a whole bunch of whining and guitars']. am suddenly obsessed with the band Further Seems Forever. always wanted to check them out because Chris Carrabba used to front it, but never really got down to it. searched for a couple of their songs and even found the old ones Chris is on. it's a lot more rock-heavy than DC. on DC it's pretty much Chris all the time, sometimes he does it by himself with no backup, and when there is backup it's relatively understated. FSF is, well, different. they sound a bit like The Ataris after Chris leaves, less edgy though. but being a groupie, i like anything that Chris is/was part of.

see, the exams seems to spur you on to do things you normally wouldn't be as excited about when you have free time. exams are a double-edged sword. i thrive on reverse psychology, but maybe that's just me.

i notice i do this - [ ] - a lot. it must be annoying to read. i received this in my mail today, an envelop that read 'the pen is mightier than the sword' or something. and opened it up quite excitedly, thinking it was some writing event. well, at first i saw, 'write your own success story' and then opening the foldable thingy i realized it was some RSAF scholarship thing. which is rubbish, really. what a joke. i'm not applying for any scholarships, and well i don't think i'm really eligible. much less, SAF?! stuff to do with soldiers and artillery and war and stuff? ha, not ever not everrrrrr.

speaking of which, it was Math 2 yesterday. it was a walk in the park, a walk in Central park in New York City at 12 midnight where all the muggers and serial killers are swarming about.

that was a bad attempt at wry humour. i'm going to stop now because i'm getting too self-centred for my own good. last paper tomorrow, God help me!

+ posted by M @ 1:58 PM

...	Monday, September 19, 2005

i'm kind of freaked out. suddenly i get this email, 'tati wants to add you on myspace!' i don't remember signing up for myspace?! is it something all hotmail users are automatically signed up for or what? and why are there people from california and boston adding me as their friends? i went to check out my profile and i have this friend 'tom' a 29 year old guy from boston? what?! in the first place, you have to activate the add thing for you to have friends ... so unless someone is wreaking havoc with my email ... but if someone was impersonating me or somehow got email addresses mixed up [i don't know how that happens, but anything's possible right] my profile wouldn't be blank. it is blank, no photos no personal info no whatever. so if it's blank, why the hell are people adding me?

okay so maybe the US people thing is because my profile states i'm from the US. and if myspace is linked to hotmail that would be right because for hotmail i registered myself a US person so i could get 250MB space [harharhar!]. but anyway, it's just weird. and because i'm bored, i'm spending time speculating. it can't be all that dangerous - there isn't any info up on me anyway. i think i shall now delete the account.

EDIT : have found out from reading his testimonials that 'Tom' is creator of my space and has every single user on his list. so it's not some freaky thing. but on the other hand, i can't delete the damn thing. it must be in joint venture with hotmail. argh. technology.

+ posted by M @ 12:36 PM

...	Saturday, September 17, 2005

okay so i caved in and watched the Eternal Sunshine bonus materials on the dvd i received as a birthday present [oh, such weak will power i have!] and now i am high on michel gondry!

everytime i watch that movie or see something related to it or think about it or listen to jon brion's wonderful work on my iPod i just feel, 'the whole world should see this film!' and watching the bonuses is just ... wow! gondry shot it without any special effects at all - just pure innovation and vision. it's amazing. amazing. AMAZING! doing all those crazy things for REAL. beds on ice, clementine sliding across the subway floors, bathing in a giant sink.

the elephant parade scene. the incredible thing is that it was completely unplanned. after shooting the subway scene, they hear the circus is coming to town. and gondry is immediately like, 'GO' and they rush in vans towards where the elephants are passing and they just shoot the scene [!!! and it's definitely one of the most beautiful shots in the film]. ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. he anticipates moments like these, he brings life into film - film can happen everywhere, anywhere! - and i just thought, 'YES YES YES SO TRUE I'VE THOUGHT SO FOR SO LONG!' you know you get the feeling sometimes just watching things happening around you how it would be on film? i get that. i just detach sometimes and think about it. and gondry DOES IT. that man is a genius. he astounds me.

i just feel so in awe, so very in awe! wonderful wonderful beautiful world!

+ posted by M @ 11:16 PM

...

The Child Dying

Unfriendly friendly universe,
I pack your stars into my purse,
And bid you so farewell.
That I can leave you, quite go out,
Go out, go out beyond all doubt,
My father says, is the miracle.

You are so great, and I so small:
I am nothing, you are all:
Being nothing, I can take this way.
Oh I need neither rise nor fall,
For when I do not move at all
I shall be out of all your day.

It's said some memory will remain
In the other place, grass in the rain,
Light on the land, sun on the sea,
A flitting grace, a phantom face,
But the world is out. There is not place
Where it and its ghost can ever be.

Father, father, I dread this air
Blown from the far side of despair
The cold cold corner. What house, what hold,
What hand is there? I look and see
Nothing-filled eternity,
And the great round world grows weak and old.

Hold my hand, oh hold it fast-
I am changing! - until at last
My hand in yours no more will change,
Though yours change on. You here, I there,
So hand in hand, twin-leafed despair -
I did not know death was so strange.

Edwin Muir

the other poem featured on our paper. have been reading more of his writing on the net and have discovered that the world is full of beauty! such poetic grace! it's neverending, it's overwhelming. and i want to add to it.

+ posted by M @ 9:33 PM

...	Friday, September 16, 2005

A Few Late Chrysanthemums

Oh, little body, do not die.
The soul looks out through wide blue eyes
So questioningly into mine,
That my tormented soul replies:
"Oh, little body, do not die.
You hold the soul that talks to me
Although our conversations be
As wordless as the windy sky."

So looked my father at the last
Right in my soul, before he died,
Though words we spoke went heedless past
As London traffic-roar outside.
And now the same blue eyes I see
Look through me from a little son,
So questioningly, so searchingly
That youthfulness and age are one.

My father looked at me and died
Before my soul made full reply.
Lord, leave this other Light alight -
Oh, little body, do not die

John Betjeman

one of the poems set for the E8 paper. i practically mangled the compare contrast question [which this poem was half of] but nonetheless i thought the poems given today were beautiful, though heart-wrenchingly so. the drama piece was also beautiful and about war so i savoured it very much and i think i did okay on that one. yup, today's paper was rather sad - set pieces about death and war. but such achingly beautiful writing. i shall post the other poem soon after you have digested this one.

+ posted by M @ 10:16 PM

...	Thursday, September 15, 2005

after listening to about 3 of Kanye West's songs [Jesus Walks, Gold digger, Diamonds from Sierra Leone], i've decided i still don't like him much.

there was a lot of hype surrounding his first album, College Dropout - but hearing songs on the radio like 'Through The Wire' just disgusted me. it sounded like the usual rap trash that people remix beyond recognition. recently decided to check him out because i watched his video, Diamonds from Sierra Leone, and it seemed to carry a heavier meaning with it but after reading the lyrics i realize he's far too overrated and not as complex as people give him credit for. that song had a lot of potential to plunge deeper, but in the end it phased out with Jay-Z rapping about 'business' and the general black attitude towards needing to wear bling and not letting the guilt make you give it up. so what are you trying to say? that it's an important issue but you're going to choose appearances over it anyway?

rather disappointed because he looked like a promising artiste i could possibly have liked. the fact that he worked with Jon Brion on his latest album helped too [Jon Brion's talents have already been sufficiently proven by his spectacular work on the Eternal Sunshine OST]. i guess i still prefer Tupac, though he mainly raps about the hood and crime. but it's impactful, there's conviction in his voice. minimal music, plain rap and beats. i think some of these rappers, like Eminem, have taken it too far with their political rants - producing 'mosh' and 'toy soldiers' was a mistake. he has really diluted his message. his generic 'rant about the american government with children's voices in the background to make it poignant' songs have fallen flat and i'm no longer a fan of his.

oh well, at least these rappers make some political statements as compared to the emo bands who just whine all day, right? hmmm. but at least they don't just skim the surface of what they've chosen to sing about.

+ posted by M @ 1:22 PM

...

time for overdue prelim rant:

i think arts students are masochistic. i know i am. i kind of enjoy killing my hand. and i enjoy the thrill of knowing that a lit paper has the ability to completely floor me with absurd questions ["BNW has been described as a 'Novel of Ideas'." What. The. Hell? needless to say i screwed up my BNM segment of Lit3 because i did context which i bloody well intended to steer clear of]. and i screwed up pinter. heart of darkness was okay, but you can never tell with Conrad's segment. and this lit paper was my best bet [after Unseen], because, well, yeah. ah whatev. math1 was screwed too. the first few questions were okay, and then the math department just decided to pull the rug out under me with the second half of that paper. i just really hope i get at least an E because if i have an O/F on my transcript? i can just forget it, i can withdraw my Uni applications. i'm not realizing the severity of it now but when i get back my prelim grades and if i see an O/F, i might very well cry. i'm in desperate need of God's divine grace.

4 essays in 3 hours? by the end of CTs, we arts students [WHO TAKE LIT] would have written 16 essays. if this gets worse in Uni ... oh my God.

+ posted by M @ 12:42 PM

...	Wednesday, September 14, 2005

when it comes to wasting time, i am QUEEN.

my skin is horrible and i am ugly.

ARGH

+ posted by M @ 9:47 PM

...

had a series of very disturbing and unhappy dreams last night.

in one of them, i had transferred to SAS [Singapore American School] in hopes of getting a better education [??] and found myself in senior year facing the first two days. on the first two days of school the classes were things i really hated - first day, SCIENCE. was made to sit through countless periods of science class with a neurotic eccentric teacher who hated me and a work partner who was also weird [don't know who he was, some american guy]. he made us do countless science questions i didn't know and thus resulting in me having to ask dan [boy sitting in front of me, with big hippie like afro ?!?!] how to do them and looking like a stupid idiot. after which we were made to study manga [?!?!] and analyze the legend of escaflowne [?! i've never read or watched this in my life. i don't even know what it looks like] to be handed up as homework. then i was told by dan that the class for the next day would be chinese class. and then the principal came in and told me that i was probably signed up for physics class as well. it just got so horrifying at that point that i woke up.

yes, phyics is a nightmare.

the other two dreams i had are rather personal and even worse. incredibly heartbreaking. am feeling very insecure now, as a result of these dreams. ack.

+ posted by M @ 1:27 PM

...	Monday, September 12, 2005

feels kind of surreal to see the date '12 September 2005' printed on your exam paper.

pretty cool, in a way? anyway, despite the lit3 paper today and the math1 paper tomorrow [and basically the rest of the prelims] today was a pretty good birthday. i'm pretty happy.

i'm eighteen now, and i don't feel any different. every year after a birthday i always feel the same as i was. a small sentimental part of me just decided to write this entry for old time's sake even though i don't feel like saying much else. so, that's it. just announcing to the world that i'm now eighteen.

+ posted by M @ 9:05 PM

...	Sunday, September 11, 2005

amidst all the dismay and disgust felt by people worldwide, i feel i should give my 2cents worth about hurricane katrina and the bush administration's inappropriate reactions.

it really saddens me to see stuff like this happen. everytime a natural disaster or crisis occurs, we're all suddenly supposed to feel more blessed than usual and when the disaster loses its newspaper appeal, we slip back into our lives of indifference and folly. 9/11 happened today. does anyone really remember - more importantly, does anyone care? i remember a few years back, everyone was struck with fear and clips of smoking and collapsing buildings were making their dutiful rounds on the internet. but after a few months, the commotion died and we were back to our 'lives'.

it is one thing to move on with our lives but it is a completely different issue to forget about it like it has never happened. these things are so real. they affect our lives, the world, humanity. can we truly say we care if we only feel flashes of emotion everytime these things happen and lead our lives otherwise when they don't?

the only thing i know about new orleans is from watching Anthony Bourdain eat fried chicken and fried johnny cakes [their version of our hum chim bang, kind of] on his 'A Cooks Tour' tv show. kanye west recently made controversial statements about how Bush 'doesn't care about the black people' to justify the ridiculously slow action. frankly, while i recognize it is a sensitive issue for him, i don't think it's true. i think Bush is indifferent to anyone and everyone. when 9/11 happened, he remained in a classroom of a school he was visiting. why? maybe he didn't want to frighten the children, but he could have excused himself calmly - the kids aren't going to question his actions and the adults present would definitely understand later when they learn about the crisis. as if that wasn't bad enough, he had to do it again. he was still on vacation two days after hurricane katrina struck. why?! i seriously can't comprehend this. i asked myself this question today - why do i so badly want to go to the states to study when the majority of the country is silly enough to vote such an incompetent person in?

honestly. i don't have anything against Bush personally. people make fun of his grammar mistakes and his 'chimp-like' appearance but i don't think any of that is important. it's only when he demonstrates his immense indifference and incompetence that i get annoyed. wage an unnecessary war? fail to deal with crises effectively? make personal statements about hussein? donate a measly sum to the tsunami fund when America is the 'world leader'? so, he's only human. but he chose to campaign, he chose to take up this responsibility. sure, he'll make mistakes that humans make - but to remain on vacation while a hurricane hits America? that is just plain wrong.

i'll say this though. one of the virtues of the American system is freedom of speech and freedom of expression without legal repercussions. he may make plenty of mistakes, but he can't prevent open criticism unlike the PAP who would most probably ship Kanye off to Siberia if he was placed in the singaporean context.

the world isn't perfect, but we can try.

+ posted by M @ 5:36 PM

...

um, it's the prelims tomorrow. and i'm pretty unprepared.

that's an understatement. sigh. i wish i had been more productive this week, but that's what happens when you don't draw up a study plan for the holiday and just study whatever you feel like. i did Heart of Darkness quite a while ago and i actually like the book and think about it often but i haven't revised it. and pinter is just hanging by a thread. and huxley? other than the gruelling imagery assignment i did a week ago, i haven't touched it [and the assignment doesn't even help much because it's more of a context thing and we're encouraged to do essay]. Huxley is my big fear right now because it doesn't even feel like we've finished the book though we have. i didn't plan my time well for lit, stupidly starting on M4M and Herbert when that's the very last paper - oh well, what's done is done. at least it's an afternoon paper tomorrow.

math? haha. i'm working my way through NJC past papers and from time to time realize i can't remember old formulae. especially trigo and whatnot. and the NJC papers? are ridiculously .. ridiculous. i pray i get a D for math. seriously, a D and i'm satisfied. but seeing as i haven't passed math at A-Level in my whole JC career, that's asking a bit much.

history? where do i start. i have barely touched SEA [i'm serious]. for IH, mark lo's remedial has made sure i write an essay a week - [i've written maybe 8 essays or more because of him] so it helps, but i haven't revised much for sino-soviet split, crisis and NAR which i hate. and UN, GOD! SEA is a big chunk and i've only touched Economy. so you get the drift of how dead i am, seriously.

what have i been doing all week? all year? i don't know, man. obviously not studying seriously enough : / time to pray, really, really, hard. i made my bed, now i have to lie in it. let this be a lesson to myself -_-

okay so ranting is going to help any, but whatever. i needed to vent.

+ posted by M @ 11:46 AM

...	Friday, September 09, 2005

went to watch a morning screening of Be With Me with jen today. it was well worth the 2hours away from the books/thinking about the books.

i really recommend that anyone above 18 [or can pass for 18] go watch this movie. it's pretty amazing. it works on the audience in a very quiet, understated way. not the best i've seen, Nobody Knows and various other art flicks are still more compelling, but pretty damn good. and it's local[:)].

+ posted by M @ 8:30 PM

...	Thursday, September 08, 2005

I HATE MATH AND I WISH EINSTEIN, ARCHIMEDES, PYTHAGORAS, NASH ETC WERE NEVER BORN.

ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH!

+ posted by M @ 2:33 PM

...	Sunday, September 04, 2005

how things can change so drastically in the span of a day.

i was feeling kind of gloomy this morning because my trifle [which cost a lot to make and was time consuming] was hardly touched due to the enormous excess of food at the picnic. and then it rained and the rainwater got into it so i basically had to throw the whole thing away.

then tonight, i half dragged myself to dinner at straits kitchen to find, basically, everyone there. got the surprise of my life, first time i've had a surprise party thrown for me. though more than a week early, it was a great 18th birthday celebration. i was just really happy to see everyone, and it felt so surreal. and i'm just so touched that dear bea helped plan the whole thing with mandy. bea, you don't read this, but thank you. and thank you mandy, if you are reading this.

[terry if you happen to read this, i'm sorry the guys weren't invited. i think there were some complications with the planning. poor bea was really very stressed and she did her best to plan things. i'm sorry, wasn't on purpose, if any of you took offense. thank you so much for the lamp that you all shared. we'll have another party with everyone after the prelims/As!]

well, up to date, i've received many many books and CDs which is just the way i like it. oscar wilde's best, wb yeats collection, frank bidart's Desire, roger mcgough's Everyday Eclipses, a book on shakespeare the man, an andy warhol notebook (!), thomas more's Utopia, anthony bourdain's Kitchen Confidential, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind dvd, adaptation vcd ...

God i'm in heaven! [yeah, i'm such a nerd.]

well, really pretty happy. i won't forget this night for a long time to come. and also, catching Eric Khoo's Be With Me with jen next week! excited.

but, i must remember to study. i made a very academic related birthday wish this year, and i hope it materializes.

+ posted by M @ 12:22 AM

...	Saturday, September 03, 2005

this isn't the first time i've felt this way.

i feel like i'm wasting my time doing so many inconsequential things. even with the arts sometimes. i want to get myself away from all this and really do something. really do something.

i want to change the world. i want to help with hurricane katrina, i want to lead protests to stop the war, i want to ease the poverty crisis in africa, i want to ensure that food is no longer contaminated. i want to do all these things, but i'm stuck here and most of the time i'm selfish. i don't see the point of going to University and leading a comfortable life when you know the world is in shambles and you're not doing a thing about it. you don't have to be qualified to help - you don't have to.

but then, let's be realistic again, shall we. people would say: not everyone can help, if everyone helps, who's going to run the economy we so depend on? i'm not good with this technical stuff, i don't understand it. all i want to do is just do something, help someone.

I WANT TO STOP THE WAR. i feel very strongly about this, and always have. the whole situation seems to have blown over now, at least among those i know in Singapore, but we have to remember the war in Iraq is very real. far too real. we can't keep living in our little bubble, we have to do something. i hate war, it's one of the things i hate the most. don't give me all the practical and logical reasons about war - they mean nothing to me. war is mass murder, and many many innocent lives are being destroyed. patriotism, glory? that's just hogwash. there is no glory in war, and there's no such thing as patriotism. the nation exists because you need it, not because it needs you. what is more precious than human life? what? definitely not patriotism - if it's even real. seriously, the events taking place in the world right now are so absurd it seems like the whole world is a sick joke. i mean, God, i have to do something. it would be fine if i didn't feel anything and was trapped here in this body of lead, but i do feel so many things and that's the problem.

i'd give up all these things i love - art, film, theatre, literature if i had the courage to use the opportunity i was born with to change the world. i'm serious. everyone is born with that opportunity, you just have to use it. maybe this post was another blip on my flatline of emotions and thoughts. i don't know. only time will tell - i really don't want to sink into meaningless enjoyment [sleeping, going out, wasting time in general by not doing all the things we yearned to do during the exam period] after my exams as many do [including myself]. i'm determined to do things.

Greater Love

Red lips are not so red
As the stained stones kissed by the English dead.
Kindness of wooed and wooer
Seems shame to their love pure.
O Love, your eyes lose lure
When I behold eyes blinded in my stead!

Your slender attitude
Trembles not exquisite like limbs knife-skewed,
Rolling and rolling there
Where God seems not to care;
Till the fierce Love they bear
Cramps them in death's extreme decrepitude.

Your voice sings not so soft, --
Though even as wind murmuring through raftered loft, --
Your dear voice is not dear,Gentle, and evening clear,
As theirs whom none now hear
Now earth has stopped their piteous mouths that coughed.

Heart, you were never hot,
Nor large, nor full like hearts made great with shot;
And though your hand be pale,
Paler are all which trail
Your cross through flame and hail:
Weep, you may weep, for you may touch them not.

Wilfred Owen

+ posted by M @ 7:02 PM

...	Friday, September 02, 2005

okay, so i didn't go to school today because i slept at 6. i got a bit of my OC fix by rewatching some of season 1 after i finished my assignment at 4. and then i sort of slept the whole day away whilst waking up shortly during 11am, popping into school for 5 to hand in my assignment and then sleeping through lunch till like 4.

God, there's something severely wrong with my sleeping habits. i'm going to correct them, somehow. anyway, i made trifle [with vodka, no less] today, and discovered how to make a sugar sculpture by accident! very pleased. will be bringing the trifle for church people to eat tomorrow, eager to see how that turns out.

yeah, other than that i really haven't studied much and i don't know what i'm doing with my life. sigh.

+ posted by M @ 11:37 PM

...

this is the latest i've stayed up in a long while just to do a school assignment. much less in front of the computer. i hate staying at the computer past twelve because it's not in my room and i feel very deserted once everyone has gone to sleep while i'm out here at the computer. anyway, yes, i was doing lit notes for the usual note-swop thing ms champagne gets us to do for our texts. and my the rest of my group [that's three other people], all their notes put together amounted to four pages. me? by the time i was done, ten pages. talk about out of proportion. basically they each did a page each, and i have ten. so i tabulated mine, but still. either i'm doing it wrong or they didn't care so much. i just can't stand it when my lit stuff is not organized, that's part of the reason. i am really messy about most things [just look at my room] - but when it comes to lit notes [frankly any notes, because they require organization and i hate that and i feel this immense need to organize the information or else it won't go in properly] i go maniacal. MANIACAL. FANATIC. especially with lit, and all the analysis and everything.

so now i'm exhausted, and i have to go to school and hand this up. and i hate the computer and word and the printer and my malfunctioning iTunes. i'm sick of it. anyway this is not making sense but i just needed to rant because i'm tired and discontented. i'd be a perfect candidate for communist revolutions right now, man.

+ posted by M @ 4:01 AM

...	Thursday, September 01, 2005

sad to say this, but at present, the most exciting times of my life have been spent in front of the television. some people can't imagine watching tv all day, but i can. for me, tv possesses an even greater lure than the computer. i think i sat in front of it from 11-5 last night. i feel very happy when i watch TV - yifang feels the same. i think we're so deprived.

oh God, that's like 6 hours, i just realized. i should have been studying. all these people who say TV is bad for you and should be abolished, i certainly beg to differ. unless you spend your time watching crappy tv shows like singaporean ripoffs of reality shows [or anything local, basically] it is a waste of time. but good dramas and comedies and cartoons are enriching. seriously. film is a powerful medium.

Nip Tuck Season Finale. i need to rave about this, even though like no one watches it. people should seriously watch it, why the hell don't people watch it?! if people don't watch it, it may get it's airtime cut and then i'll be in a fix! PLEASE WATCH IT! well, okay, too late. but promise me you'll watch season 3. Nip Tuck is by far the best tv drama i have watched. and i only started watching it this season. it may be incredibly twisted at times [and i'm the kind of person that hates plastic surgery with a passion, but that didn't put me off], but the amount of drama on the show is amazing. the drama, it's just sizzling. and all of the actors on the show really do their jobs [which is rare, there are usually obvious weak links on most shows - think mischa barton on the oc]. anyway, the finale was fantastic. the choice of music is always greatly enhancing, the last scene was particularly heart-wrenching with Sean Macnamara lying in his bed waiting for The Carver to come and instead The Carver attacks Christian Troy and we see a single tear trickling down Christian's face as he realizes his face [his fortune] is going to get cut. and then it ends. i really need to watch the new season soon, i really do. i have an incredible liking for Julian Mcmahon. my admiration for him started from his Charmed days [he played Dr Doom in Fantastic Four too, but i didn't watch that] and has hit an all-time high with Nip Tuck. anyway, not many people like him or really know who he is. so i guess that's a pretty unpopular opinion. i also think peyton and lucas [on one tree hill] are meant for each other and should be together, but i know that's another highly unpopular opinion.

anyway. after watching Nip Tuck, i should have gone to sleep but i decided to channel surf. what did i find? Big Fish showing on HBO. and i've always wanted to watch that but never got to so i decided to watch that. i realize Tim Burton likes to use the same actors for most of his movies [other than his strong ties to Depp, who wasn't in Big Fish, most of the actors in Wonka can be found in Big Fish, including the oompa loompa guy]. it's a great movie. i don't know what makes it great, because it was very forrest gump-ish in the sense that it was held together by stories and comedy of incongruity. i liked the way it was filmed, there was a very surreal quality lent to it partly because it was a quite 'out of focus' technique he used. i just liked it, i'm not sure why, and i cried loads at the end. i haven't cried at a movie for a long time, i think i must be at an incredibly emotional state [i'm usually like this when exams are coming].

and i spent the rest of my time after that watching friends reruns and discovering the usually quirky good shows that get shown late because they don't appeal to many people [they used to show Undeclared on channel 5 in the dead of the night, which was a shame because it was a good show and i couldn't watch it]. oh and cartoons - Hey, Arnold! i really like that cartoon. the characters are pretty real, and a lot of statements are made through that cartoon about the kind of people in this world and everything.

i also saw Bon Jovi's new video. Jon Bon Jovi looks incredible for his age. honestly, you'd think the rock star life would have aged him by now, but he still looks so good. plastic surgery? i doubt it actually, he's looking very natural still. gosh, what is he, vegan or something? maybe he only eats organic foods. okay, who cares right. i'm just amazed.

God, i'm such a TV addict. and i can't wait for The OC and One Tree Hill new seasons to start. ESPECIALLY THE OC. i must study now, to make up for my heinous sin of 6 hour late night tv watching.

one last thing [because i care too much about fictional characters on teen soap operas]: ryan and marissa should break up. Break Up. Be Finished. Be Over. yes, i've said my piece and i've held this opinion for a very long time and i hope that it is realized by Josh Schwartz. and i don't want them to get back together. i want them O-V-E-R. permanently. this is what i want to see in season 3. what do you want to see in season 3?

+ posted by M @ 1:28 PM