because the writing community is one where most writers have day jobs, there
is a sense that anyone involved at all is being generous with their own
time, giving of themselves in their spare hours -- and that sort of labour
can only come of enduring, (if quiet) love and passion for the art. isn't
that worth connecting with, on any level, in this gray city?

an excerpt from one of alvin pang's email replies. i found it particularly resplendent, his writing is beautiful and striking even in emails. carol says 'he sounds like you. like what you always say/write '. i find that hard to believe and anyhow she's only seen the above excerpt. i think if he knew that was her view he would be most insulted. [i on the other hand am flattered] okay here i sound like a crazy obsessed fan. on to other things.

you're right, i can't blame them for being dispassionate about lit, instead i should concentrate on the fact that they actually do have some passion for things. swee ping is passionate about history, a bunch of them are really enthusiastic about band, yue han and van lim are totally into Art, amanda loves to run, pei xian loves her volleyball and shi wei likes to dance. so really, they're not all that dead, only in certain aspects, and i must admit, i am guilty of that too. i have to be more accepting of different interests and make the most out of this environment.

grey as it is.

stop. stop. stop. i'm immature, please ignore the way i whine about njc because i have hardly any sensible grounds to do so. i have to grow up sometime and realize that in life, people have to do things they don't want to do - but then, why? to instil self-discipline - and for what? well, you can't live your life in a mess, can you? oh maybe yes i can. it wouldn't be easy to find things, but it would be a whole lot more fun. oh my parents would flip out for what i am thinking. they want me to be neat, tidy, orderly and disciplined. i am an ill-disciplined person who can't bear to file her things properly and even organize her writing sometimes.

i don't like to put things away in boxes.

oh i quite like that song, 'everybody's growing for something.. what are we growing for?' dbs advertisement. yes, i've gone insane.

my mom thinks that if she doesn't nag at me i will just become a full-fledged slob. she says it isn't normal that one should sleep in and lounge around in sloppy clothes at home. i'm finding it hard to decide what i should do nowadays.

and so this is what i said to carol, 'but i want a lit teacher who dares to say, ' this is rubbish, lit isn't about copying down definitions and examples of imagery.. lit is about reading and then perhaps discovering it on the way.. and even if you don't know the proper terms, so what? it doesn't stop you from feeling.' '

the sad thing is, teachers like this who will really make a mark, really make that difference in a life; will get sacked and reprimanded. and sometimes that's what pushes me to want to become a teacher for a short while - just so i can say all these things, say it all, tell it all. and get sacked? so what, at least it's out there. at least i've made myself heard. but i know i must be realistic, i know i must be practical, and the system will not allow for celebration of such bravery.

+ posted by M @ 12:17 AM

...	Thursday, January 29, 2004

unconsciously, i began to cry today. i don't know if it was the yawning that started it, but i began to feel the wetness on the back of my hand, and soon realized my eyes were moist with tears. and maybe i wasn't really crying, but the way i felt surely matched my crying appearance at that time.

i've realized today i can go through a whole day without smiling or laughing and generally getting lost in myself. i've also realized that it's been a long time since i've really felt truly, genuinely happy. i don't mean when you laugh at what someone on tv is saying, or at a joke your classmate has told - i mean laughing, smiling out of this inexplicable joy. i suppose - love, is that what it is? i know my life is not loveless, but these days it feels that way. i've become so incredibly delusional, disillusioned - it's wrecking me, and i know i only have myself to blame for allowing myself to spiral out of control. i need to break free - i need to get away, just one day from this insanity.

actually even my parents are rather wary of me. i couldn't get up today after trying desperately to understand partial fractions last night. i just couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and go to this school i dread. it's not worth waking up for in the morning, no it isn't. i need something to look forward to other than the ends of days and weeks. and so i didn't go to school, yet again. they seem to be fine with it, i think they just don't want to push me to njc after seeing me breakdown like never before. i'm still trying to think of what i should say in the parent's letter.

it would be a lot more convincing [and true] if it went something like this:

please excuse melissa from school as she suffered a serious emotional breakdown a few weeks ago and is still recovering from it. she is trying her best to get back on her feet and cope so we would appreciate it if you are not too hard on her.

instead of:

please excuse melissa from school as she had a slight fever this morning. she is feeling better now.

i feel emotionally drained. sure, classmates are improving, we talk some, two of them even smsed me today to ask how i was and i am infinitely touched by their efforts, but nonetheless i feel excluded and alone. i sense that none of them actually really want to get to know me better - or even actually care for each others existence, much less my own. or maybe that's just me. it's hard to explain to them why i didn't turn up for school because i would probably offend them, except that really, it's not their faults.

why oh why am i depressed about njc again? i should stop this, stop myself, stop this negativity but i can't. i asked mr alvin pang if he would be interested in coming to njc to give a talk but now i fear. would the teachers or principal allow it? would the students even be interested? or would they be rude and think it is a waste of time while showing their displeasure greatly. i could either become indispensable or greatly hated. i have to realize that they don't share my interests, even though i had hoped they would seeing as we picked the same fields of study - literature, mainly.

be realistic, mel. this isn't a bloody dead poet's society movie and you're not mr. john keating. do mr. john keatings really exist, anyway?!

i will see what mr pang says. if he says yes, i will talk to the teachers and see how it goes. if they actually allow him to come and talk my impression of njc will be changed forever. but from there it gets tricky, because i may end up making a lot more enemies than expected. i don't think i would be able to bear seeing people get bored or complain when this writer i admire so much is up there speaking.

but i want so much for them to be inspired, i want so much to feel inspired again. yes, i suppose you think this is all about me then. maybe it is. i am selfish because i want so much to be around people who have passion for literature again, who take an interest in it - it's just something i believe in so much and more than ever now.

i need God. i have been neglecting Him.

+ posted by M @ 7:09 PM

...	Tuesday, January 27, 2004

so, mass physical training today. oh the agony, oh the pain - the horror stories are true [and then some]. we did circuit [?] training where we went from station to station [only once through thank God]. lets see, skipping alternated with sprints, tricks of speed twice around the track, push ups, sit ups. sounds fairly reasonable when listed out but i assure you i almost died.

i'm not that unfit, in my humble opinion. there was a time where i'd run everyday [during the prelims and a few months before that] but after such a long lapse in exercise i ached in places i never even knew existed. i keep thinking about the slack days of PT [can it even be called PT?!] in scgs and how we complained even then. oh we were so spoilt and so terribly lazy. i am a habitual breakfast-skipper. it's not that i don't want to eat, i simply can't that early in the morning. and in scgs i could afford to do that because we have an early break where the two food clubs bring goodies. hence i never broke the habit. even on days where there was pe it didn't matter because as i mentioned earlier, SCGS PE IS THE SLACKEST THING. i can come out of it dry and almost as fresh as before i started.

today i was drenched, as i walked up the stairs i started feeling woozy and faint. i quickly went to get myself a drink to up the blood sugar level or else i would have really fainted. you know i can actually argue all day long that it's hard, but now i'm more inclined to laugh at myself and say, 'mel, you're such a wimpy wimpy wimp.' well, lesson learnt, eat breakfast on PT days. oh and bring a change of clothes. you are no longer in scgs where you hardly perspire.

do you know that every morning one of the PE teachers runs to school from his home in - get this - Toa Payoh? well now you do, and now you know there is a slightly deranged man amongst us in njc.

i've been thinking more seriously about my future and i honestly don't know what i'm going to do. i want to be a writer, but it's no good being a writer when i hardly write anything at all nowadays and when i do, it is sadly pathetic. i can't seem to go beyond this level of maturity. it is as though i have stagnated. i mean, i have stagnated. anyhow, other than career choices, i've been thinking of university. i really want to get to Yale. partly because of harold bloom and partly because my parents seem to be suggesting every single college but yale [they don't say it, but i know they secretly have resigned themselves to the fact that i can't scale such heights]. and sometimes i want to yell, 'you're supposed to believe in me! you're my parents! what's so wrong with me trying for Yale?!'

though actually i'd really like the UK. but now that my dad is encouraging me to take my SATs this year and bypass the A levels, i am tempted to give the UK a miss. i honestly don't see the point of putting myself through that whole hellhole of intensive mugging again with a worse environment of muggers [njc, if i do stay]. i hate it, i hate this mugging and stripping of subjects. it makes me delusional and drives me to the suicidal brink of insanity. i imagine my classmates to morph into robots in their steel grey uniforms and chant, 'we must mug. we must mug. we must mug.' it is a very scary and disgusting image. the ironic detioration of the human brain with each one-track answer given during math exams and memorized model answers for lit papers. i honestly have reason to believe that most of us don't understand or question what we are doing, almost all the time because that happens to me in math.

my dreams of dropping math may be dashed any moment. i've been looking at US universities i'm thinking of applying for and so far i haven't come across one which states specifically that it requires math but what if i do?! though wellesley requires one lab science but i've decided to hell with them because i'm not willing to torture myself with physics and chemistry after i looked forward to arts stream for years. and anyway i'm not into women's colleges.

so far i've decided i will apply to NYU, UCLA, UCBerkeley, Yale, Browns - but i'm still thinking. at this point everything is so very unsure yet minds need to be made up.

life, as it is, seems so empty. i've not really felt a richness in my life. there is poetry, there is love, there is God, but after the poems are read, the feelings are felt - what is left? perhaps i'm just not feeling too good today.

this too shall pass, and so will everything else, good and bad. what am i living for? time to delve into the cliches and lose myself in the recesses of my soul.

+ posted by M @ 9:56 PM

...	Monday, January 26, 2004

Dolor

I have known the inexorable sadness of pencils,
Neat in their boxes, dolor of pad and paper-weight,
All the misery of manila folders and mucilage,
Desolation in immaculate public places,
Lonely reception room, lavatory, switchboard,
The unalterable pathos of basin and pitcher,
Ritual of multigraph, paper-clip, comma,
Endless duplication of lives and objects.
And I have seen dust from the walls of institutions,
Finer than flour, alive, more dangerous than silica,
Sift, almost invisible, through long afternoons of tedium,
Dropping a fine film on nails and delicate eyebrows,
Glazing the pale hair, the duplicate grey standard faces.

-- Theodore Roethke

this, basically sums up how i feel about njc, and the uninspiring system of education here on a whole. i am not one who simply says, 'school sucks' with all the contempt of an angsty teenager, but i feel that sometimes school is slowly destroying us and i'm getting buried by the fine dust from the wall without enough paint to cover its cracks. yes, i feel like the grey is rubbing off on me. the living dead, the living dead. there is, the ever over-rated non-conformity which soon becomes a commercial trend [humans are good at this]. but even then, that girl with the streaked hair who claims to break all the rules chooses to go to this grey jc, because it is one of the finest, because it will help her graduate, because it will help her get a job and finally, because it will help her become 'successful' like the rest of this forsaken population.

on to better things. i have added a new obsession to the already long list - oh, there is pablo neruda! his poems are so rich with feelings i see them dancing atop the pages as i flipped through a copy at borders. though, i don't really like reading translated works because the original flavour has been diluted and i'm reading it through the eyes of the one that translated it. it fills me with a sense of uneasiness that what a writer wants to say may soften with the different versions, and it is soon a whisper, and then it might be lost forever. yes, that frightens me.

i wish i could write poems these days but inspiration is running short; very short. and even then it is a mixed up jumble of words i cannot put to paper. class life is getting better, but i feel little [or no] attachment - the days pass and i consider VJC more and more. how joyous it would be to drop math for TSD. however, my classmates really are quite funny. the boy who sits next to me likes hilary duff and went clubbing at chinablack. this eludes me as he looks so extremely quiet, sad and demure. sad eyes, i thought, when i first saw him but now i am not so sure.

i picked up a humorous piece my brother wrote on Chinese New Year for school. i enjoyed it very much, as i always enjoy his writing. there is a sardonic wit to it that you would not expect, looking at him. and that's what i like very much, the way writing reveals characteristics you'd never seen before and never expected. he observes, oh he observes and he stores every little event in his memory that has made him think - especially the ridiculous theories we work upon sometimes. i will try to post it up here if i can. my brother is a closet writer. he doesn't write leisurely, like i do, but it's something i hope he grows to love.

+ posted by M @ 5:24 PM

...	Sunday, January 25, 2004

after spending the whole morning reading two very different blogs, i have decided i am very very amused. first there is this and then there is this, the former of which won Singapore's Best Blog.

yes, singapore's best blog is owned by a teenager who seems to have a lot to say about ugly people, ugly people who think they are pretty and finally FHM babes. of course i am generalizing a tad too much but my point is this does say something about the general singapore population. i am not flaming her in any way, because her command of english isn't embarrassing and some of the entries actually show her to be quite witty - but essentially the humour is twisted in what i recognize to be rather singaporean [don't ask me how i know, i just get the feel of it after being subjected to PCK by my brothers]. there isn't much of me that can relate to her writing and it made me think about the entirely different groups among these singaporeans. perhaps the minority strive to perfect their english and present intelligent views while her readers take joy in simple humour.

i personally find metastasis a more enjoyable read [and partly because the language offends me less] but i really fear that i have become a snob that frowns upon Singlish of any sort. it's one thing to frown, it's another thing when my previous impressions of the person are altered because he/she speaks differently from i. are we all caught up in this conflict? i'd prefer it not to be.

*

yesterday i caught peter pan with yilin and kai. the movie sequences are exactly like the cartoon - and even better. i really enjoyed the show and jeremy sumpter. but essentially, i find peter pan to be a very fascinating story, and it seems i'm not the only one - michael jackson has too, building his life around neverland fantasies and young ones. all fairy tales have this unprecedented depth to them and i especially like the Grimm versions. the language is stunning, especially when reading The Little Mermaid. it far outshines the disney version - but alas, is this because something strange leads me to believe there can be no depth without tragedy? i do find myself very disturbed though by simple disney fairy tales involving all this death that is taken too lightly. death of the wicked witch, death of captain hook, death of basically all that are bad. sure, as young kids we have rejoiced in these 'deaths' but now that i am older i am very much perturbed. the lines between good and evil become more blurred to me, and nothing is ever in black and white anymore. it is not as simple as this, 'he is good and thus he lives, she is evil and thus she dies.' no never again will it be. do i miss those days of childish simplicity? perhaps a little bit, but i think i have grown in compassion and thought [though not enough yet].

peter pan may have eluded age, maybe because he was barred from love. does love age us? yes, perhaps it does. the worry that comes along with loving - those worries of him straying, those worries of her getting into accidents, those worries of never seeing your children again. and as much as people tell us to love and set free - it cannot be done, simply because we are human. there is that worry of him leaving you for someone else and the pain you feel when it happens.

then again, love also makes us young. the passion, the excitement and anticipation, the girlish thoughts of romance. superficial notions, but true nonetheless. love sets us free, and love captures us.

and at the end of it all, i would choose love over an ageless destiny.

+ posted by M @ 1:36 PM

...	Saturday, January 24, 2004

basketball game with the brothers and their friends.

ed: why do you keep closing your eyes when i pass you the ball?
me: i'm scared it'll smash my face.
jon: if you keep closing your eyes, it will smash your face.

how wise. playing basketball with the boys really helps me to see my brothers even more clearly. edward really is as good as he says he is, though short and stocky and not what a basketball player looks like. he enjoys showing off on the court and takes any opportunity present to show off - whether it is teaching me how to shoot with the phoenix method or just during a regular game. his jumping around trying to touch the ceilings [and thus prove himself tall] has paid off during his games. on the other hand, jonathan is more sensible in his playing, and also more generous. he is willing to pass me the ball, and even made up this rule to include me more - all team players have to be passed the ball at least once before it can be shot.

i think basketball games are also telling of the relationships between the players. my brothers and their friends sometimes fool around during games and they dare to because they've grown up together. i noticed while playing with the boys at njc that they took the game very seriously because they were new to each other and wanted to establish a certain status in the game. i conclude it is best to play basketball with friends.

ah what am i saying. i'm simply too tired after being forced to clear my wardrobe on the second day of chinese new year. just this once i wish were superstitious and listened to stupid theories of throwing out luck in the form of old clothes during the cny period.

+ posted by M @ 1:33 AM

...	Tuesday, January 20, 2004

life at njc seems to be improving and i'm grateful for even the semblance of hope on the horizon.

on the other hand, i wonder if i will ever fit in or if i want to fit in at njc - beware, school of the muggers in grey. and i am not kidding either. i'm in an arts class, which should be slack, am i right? well no it isn't because the chinese high student memorizes his econs lecture notes in entirety and people are busy copying definitions of personification and imagery which our lit teacher flashes on the OHP. so far i have shown myself to be quite an unpromising student amongst the eager muggers of njc. i for one haven't even read through the econs notes, much less highlighted them and of course i refuse to copy lit notes - i mean, LIT NOTES? are you kidding?! so the teacher stares at me rather disapprovingly, wonders why i am not copying and is probably silently thinking that i shall fail his classes because i refuse to compile notes of definitions of literary techniques [which i would never read anyway].

i shall try and curb my disgust for those who copy down literature notes because i understand people don't formulate weird theories like me. i believe that literature shouldn't be examinable, yet i choose to do it as a subject because it basically... well it's great to do lit isnt it! spend the time reading poetry and things you enjoy while people are slogging physics and chemistry formulae - in fact i have a good mind to get myself down to VJC so i can take up TSD and drop math and then i will be quite happy i think. i have this weird compromise where i go against my beliefs of people getting graded for their written opinions and views but refuse to do anything that makes lit remotely dehumanized - that is, copying notes and notes of definitions and basically copying down wholesale the teacher's viewpoint. which explains why my 'texts' are clean save for doodles and teachers probably think i will flunk lit. i of course must make sure that i do not flunk lit because i will be very angry with self - though i just said i am against lit grades, didn't i? [and of course, it is fun to prove teachers wrong]

i tell you i confuse myself enough, so there's no point you trying to understand my logic.

but today it really hit home just how scary these muggers can be. see in four pr, everyone studied hard - but they studied smart too. they knew what certain things meant. my class, does not seem to understand what the word outline means. our sweet, peachy history teacher asked us to do up an essay outline for a tutorial question. being the eternal procrastinator, i finished it just before twelve last night - hence i was extremely pleased with self and went to school with the after glow that comes about when you know you've done your homework [perhaps it only happens for me because i hardly get my work done on time or done satisfactorily, be it on time].

to my horror, people started showing each other their history essay 'outlines' and it appeared as though they either went deaf when the teacher said 'outline' or i was hearing things. THEY HAD WRITTEN ESSAYS. and when i asked, ' why did you write an essay?' they would show it to me with the bullet points and say, 'no this is a brief brief summary, in point form!' its one thing to do it in point form, it's another if you don't know what point form means - to them point form means a simple bullet in front of the paragraph.

i was indignant, yet sheepish nonetheless. i had obviously grasped the true meaning of an outline, yet because of my dear muggermates i ended up looking like a total SLACKER. i think my history teacher half suspected that i had just done my work a minute before the tutorial started [why didn't i make my writing neat just this once? why?!]. not good, this is not good at all. it seems only scgs girls seem to know what outlines really are because si hui encountered the same thing.

and then to top things off, i spent the history tutorial absent-mindedly doodling on my outline [because she had already checked it!] to find that she actually wanted us to hand it up still. oh goodness, so now i have to rewrite mine, but i don't think i shall change it except make it neater and less sketchy because - because i'm right [says in a very small voice].

during lessons, staring out of the small window which cuts the skyline makes me wish i could fly out of it. i've never held such child-like ambition before - it's a wonder i'm developing this fantasy at sixteen.

+ posted by M @ 4:42 PM

...	Monday, January 19, 2004

SHORT NOTICE : for this fleeting, fragile moment, carol is the luckiest girl on earth because she got to see alvin pang in the flesh and talk to him.

if kinokuniya does not provide me with City Of Rain soon i shall not be very happy. well off i go now, to finish my history homework [say it cheerfully and i might just convince myself i like doing essay outlines]. will be back tomorrow to write many things - if they are still in my head.

+ posted by M @ 11:03 PM

...	Saturday, January 17, 2004

i went for the PR dinner last night but it didn't lift my spirits as much as i hoped it would because i was feeling sick and down and out. apparently everyone could just feel the misery generating from me and now the gang are worried because they have never seen me so pessimistic and lifeless before.

i must be in a really horrible emotional and physical state. i don't like how i've changed and i can't blame anything else because i let it happen; i let it all get to me.

people started crying and i almost started myself - but as you know, i'm just not very good at crying. still, i have faith. something happened today which reminded me that God had not abandoned me or given up on me.

i woke up today, groggy and searching for some form of identification to bring to the clinic, and i came across a letter on my table. i assumed it to be a late christmas card - it was torn and weathered. at first i wondered if it was the invitation from Don, but the handwriting didn't look like his. it was the generic sort of handwriting girls started developing in secondary two. it always amazed me how people could have such unnatural handwriting and survive history and literature exams. anyhow, i opened it to find that it was from kit lu, my sec two partner in class. she didn't write much, but included this quote from the little prince i liked very much at the time when we knew each other:

it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.

with the letter she gave me a simple cross bracelet [she's not a christian] and she gave me the first successful friendship bracelet she made.

i found the simple letter and gifts very meaningful. interpret them whichever way you wish because i don't feel like expounding on my feelings here. like the letter, love withstands little tears, rough weather and ends up slightly aged - but retains its meaning.

you're right, donaire, i am not alone.

+ posted by M @ 2:10 PM

...	Friday, January 16, 2004

so i'm sick and at home. being sick just ruins all your plans, basically. i'll be dragging myself down for the PR dinner tonight because i'm absolutely dying to feel alive again but i don't think i'm up for embassy tomorrow or the kayaking trip.

i should be at the doctor's now but i can't bring myself to move. i have to get my MC though - because jc is so damn stringent. last night i had a talk with my parents. my dad wanted to talk about my college and university options. can you believe the nerve? why talk about it now when i'm already having a hell of a time adjusting to jc? and then it all came out, all the crying i've been wanting to do, but haven't been able to; it just happened. i cried and cried and kept muttering, 'i am all alone, i am all alone.' not just in school, but in every other aspect. i am insignificant, unimportant to everyone else in my life i had hoped would stay so constant. the drifting i hoped would never happen, has taken place and i wonder why i never accepted that reality when all the while i told myself i was prepared.

it feels so good to have cried, but i think i haven't cried quite enough. i can't bring myself to go back again, to that unfeeling, uncaring environment of cold concrete grey.

+ posted by M @ 3:35 PM

...

in all gay glory, i present WH AUDEN.

one of his better loved poems and one of my favourites.

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

+ posted by M @ 2:53 PM

...	Thursday, January 15, 2004

scary encounter with econs teacher today. i was checking sms during class [which of course, i shouldn't have been] when she suddenly popped up and asked if i could please give her my phone. well, dumbly i handed it over to her. after that i wondered if i should have kicked up a fuss and refused or just kept it. i decided that handing it over was the best thing to do. geez i haven't gotten into this sort of trouble since i was sec one. luckily she gave it back to me at the end of the class but frankly i was rather freaked out because now her impression of me must be ruined. and econs isn't something i understand at all.

plus i'm an appeal case. i hate being an appeal case, there are all these feelings of obligation within me, and no gratefulness because i don't even want to be in njc. so as you can imagine i feel rather torn. at least the others that feel obliged, do feel grateful too because they WANT to be in njc, but i am an appeal case that doesn't want to be njc - indeed that is weird. i am very weird. i'd have a hard time explaining that so i just keep my mouth shut most of the time.

also, i have been sleeping during history class, which is very bad because my history teacher is my form teacher and should i try applying again for the humans scholarship; well i ain't gonna get a good recommendation if i carry on this way.

buck up, mel, buck up so you can leave this grey hell.

+ posted by M @ 7:05 PM

...	Wednesday, January 14, 2004

oh joy, life has meaning once again.

i find that i am a bit in love with my lit teacher for paper one. ah, a man who speaks about william blake with such interest, and can't decide between george eliot's silas marner or thomas hardy's return of the native..

of course, i am just kidding. well, partly anyway. [HEE HEE]

+ posted by M @ 9:29 PM

...	Tuesday, January 13, 2004

i believe in you so much, i could die from the words that you say
DC - ghost of a good thing

i was so tired that i came home thinking the whole time i had worn contacts to school. i kept thinking to myself, 'oh no i have to take off my contacts.' and then when i tried taking them off, my eyes hurt and i couldn't seem to take them off; then i thought, 'oh no, my contacts have melted into my eyes by some way unfathomable.' it took me a while to realize i had not put on my contacts at all today.

why am i complaining? i'm lucky to end school at three o'clock today. i just can't seem to get myself into the work mood, and also i fell asleep during history lecture today - i feel very bad about it. i kept trying not to sleep but i couldn't help it. knee jerk reaction to any sort of lesson i suppose.

debate tryouts tomorrow for the saturday competition. oh God, please guide me and tell me what to do because i am truly lost in every sense of the word. everyone is enjoying school, but i am not, i dread it. i have never dreaded going to school before in my life. not even when i first entered primary school - off i went with no tears at all. everyday, i'm praying for the strength to get me through.

today tammy crashed nj. we talked a bit about each others jcs and she kept telling me how it was so good at hc.. only after i went off did i realize how weird it was. i had just talked to someone i never talked to before and never associated with for my FOUR years of secondary school so warmly and comfortably. i had been able to talk to her so openly simply because of the familiar blue uniform she donned with pride and style. honestly though, i realize now how weird it is that i would talk to someone i don't know at all so very easily.

i realize i have changed so much these two years of my life. i have begun to stop caring about certain things i used to deem important. i have stopped caring so much about what people think of me; whether they talk about me behind my back; whether i have anyone to hang out with anymore. i've become totally detached. i think ED also contributed a bit to that because i went there and was so detached from all the people, and now i'm doing the same thing and it feels normal. basically, i have become somewhat of a loner. i walk alone, barely talk to anyone and sit around feeling neither here or there. maybe it's because i feel secure knowing i have my own group of friends outside of class and feel no need to socialize more - but that can't be because i never believe things to last; especially when stretched as such.

i don't like it at all, not one bit. i don't like what i've become - a grey soul.

+ posted by M @ 7:31 PM

...	Monday, January 12, 2004

honestly i'm going insane. we had the first day of lessons today and i can't take it - and most of them were merely introductory lessons. i feel ashamed - i am the most slack person in class who hasn't done any econs or math homework. i also keep thinking about how i will manage to sleep during classes instead of actually paying attention.

it's hard to sleep here, as compared to sc. i must make sure i move to the back tomorrow.. oh wait, they're shifting the thing around to some u-shaped arrangement so there's no way i can sleep now. damn.

but i guess i still like lit lessons, though i really do miss ms ma, and the freedom to express any such opinions to the class though i barely did because i slept. i mean, sure i contributed quite a bit to lit class today because i said i would be enthusiastic when i appealed; but the comfort level isn't there because i wonder if all of them are actually interested in what i have to say.

anyhow. i went for the first debate training session today and i already want to leave. just two hours have made me realize debate is made up of arrogant smart alecks who enjoy letting people know about all their academic achievements - 'i topped history twice in two years..' according to the nygh girl. well i don't exactly go around announcing my lit grades. what can i join? i already attached myself to ELDDS. well let's see how wednesday goes though i don't think i'm going to make it to the team. hopefully i can join a tennis cca with wong ying, but i still need to join one of the ELDDS thingies or else i'm really really ultra screwed.

people keep telling me i should go to their jcs, and so far the only people who have managed to convince me their jc is the one for me are the ones from RJC. what is this. rjc and njc, the two jcs i never wanted to go to, and i ended up going to one and now the other is appealing to me. but i'm seriously considering it now, frankly. i met up with yilin and cha for dinner at holland v after debate training. it was really nice.

hopefully this saturday charm can meet up with us at embassy.

i apologize for the sketchiness and boring entries. i'm simply way too exhausted.

+ posted by M @ 10:38 PM

...	Sunday, January 11, 2004

okay okay hi let's talk about orientation.

orientation has been fun; really. what did we do. mass dance, mud game, wargames, bbq, cca, amazing race. yes, that's what. for more detailed observations you should visit the SJI blogs because the SJI boys seem to recall perfectly everything that has happened so far. for me it has been a blur, apart from the CCA carnival. i signed up for debate [i had to sign up for something under the ELDDS blanket] and interact club. too bad there's no girls basketball team. wong ying and i wanted to sign up for fitness club but we were too late. i want to join a sport but i don't want to go competitive, if you get what i mean.

anyhow. i'm quite excited about debate, because i wanted to join in sec school but never had the guts to go for the audition. here there are no auditions but everyone who has signed up so far is from IP so i will be surrounded by IP students. angela says njc debate sucks, but, er, never mind i will try and make it worth my while. apparently very little arts students join the debate team. i wonder if nj even competes - i sure hope they do.

hm. how is my class? well, they are nice people. have i made friends? hm. cheryl and huilin are the two better girlfriends i've made so far. they're nice. the rest of the girls are also nice but they've all sort of started cliquing already. stephen, in my class looks like chio debater boy so i was a bit scared of him at first because i find chio debater boy weird. but stephen seems ok and is not weird. and my class is just interesting, i guess. but no one i can talk to about books and things yet though i think it's really cool that quite a few are in AEP.

i need to be more positive about things. today i went for the VC agm and then i came home and slept till now. i am missing church today. i am so naughty.

+ posted by M @ 6:13 PM

...	Saturday, January 10, 2004

dammit i hate jc life. i hate how everyone is changing, drifting apart, the hectic shedules, the dark rings and my self-imposed lonerism.

i know i must be positive, but honestly if you're going to tell me to 'please come to ac/vj/rj/hc' save it. on the other hand, i'm so thankful for jason because right now he seems to be the only one i can really whinge to about everything and just listens and makes me feel better.

i went out with the ex-pr girls who went to nj and then met up with mel, cel and her ac friend after. it makes me feel horrid, knowing we'll never be classmates or schoolmates again. i'm depressed.

+ posted by M @ 11:12 PM

...

i still can't bring myself to sing the njc school song.

anyhow. i think i'm a real anti-social, unenthusiastic person. i must change my image in class and be more.. um nice. or something. just as soon as i can overcome my sc-sickness.

nj had a dance party today; i think its because njcians are deprived of clubbing they keep having these dance parties. i went to look for the sc gang. we tried getting into it but in the end wong ying, elsa, franc ran out of the crowd and i unwittingly followed them. what were they up to? elsa was asking her OG to play basketball and i had stupidly run along. i am bad at competitive sport. i run occasionally [okay i used to run very often till holidays started and school started again]but that's it. njc's countless stairs make me tired. i ended up playing basketball with boys from her OG whom i didn't know at all and couldn't differentiate.

basketball is actually quite fun although i did practically nothing to help my team.

i'm actually grateful for chris kho's presence in nj. i never thought i'd say something like that.

today at sentosa, i was rather depressed. everything reminded me of SCGS and four pr. we even had to visit the bloody campsite. and i remember running around up and down the steps, passing the water pieces and the night trek to the musical fountains. i tried very hard not to cry while i walked alone and ahead. i'm always walking alone in class. but actually, i sort of like it that way. i think i haven't been in much mood to be around people and talk to them. during lunch i talked a bit more to the guys and it was fine. but for the OG dinner i sort of quieted down because i was just too tired to try and be sociable. i guess i should be thankful that the OG doesn't seem that put off by my distant behaviour and that some of them still try talking to me.

after dinner i walked out, wanting to take a taxi home but no taxi came. i called mandy, assuming she was at KAP with her OG but it turned out she was also at bukit timah plaza. so i walked back in and met her at the pool place. both of us talked a lot, along with theng theng, about scgs and our OGs. it really helps that amanda is in njc. without her, i'd be lost and feeling totally rotten.

please remind me not to visit pool places. i think i have forgotten how seedy the guys at pool halls can be. after a while some guy [with his friends lingering behind] approached us.

random guy: hi, my friend wants to get to know you as a friend. [he points to me]
me: huh. um no its ok..
random guy: please. he's begging you for your number.
me: uh.. no thanks..
random guy: he's over there. the one in the orange shirt. he's kind of cute.. [gestures toward the guy sitting down on the other side of the room and smiling. to be fair, he really looked quite acceptable.]
theng: just give lah!
me [exclaiming]: no!
random guy: please?
me: no, its ok. really.

i think they got the message after that, and finally left me alone. i quickly left after that, being freaked out. guys here are pathetic. if you want to know me, come and talk to me yourself. besides, giving out numbers to strangers who don't even ask themselves and look of questionable background isn't something i do. guys should learn how to introduce themselves. how the heck do people get attached here i do not know. and honestly, my hair was a greasy mess, i was grubby from running around sentosa all morning, and i was wearing my baggy polo sweater which makes me look even more bloated than usual - not the look that would be appealing to a pool-playing beng.

oh God, do i look like that much of an ah lian.

+ posted by M @ 12:27 AM

...	Thursday, January 08, 2004

ten years in scgs has made me complacent, spoilt me silly and turned me into an ungrateful brat.

not because sc is bad - but because it is too good.

alright, i sound silly but this is because i miss sc so damn much'. everything, i miss everything about it. i knew i would miss it from the start - but i didn't know i would miss it this much. i can't bring myself to sing the school song. and most of the times when i keep really quiet and walk, wallet in hand and by my side, i'm thinking, 'what would it have been like if i had gone somewhere else?'

the same, i guess. nj is fine, really it is. it's just so different. let's start with the toilets. i suppose nj's toilets are what you consider normal; but look at it from a spoilt sc girl's view. being in sc for ten years has made me perceive sc toilets as normal. it was only when i went to nj i realized we were spoilt beyond comprehension. scgs toilets are spacious, spotless and located less than half a minute away from the classrooms. the tiles are painted green with nice designs.

and then, on to the people. my class is alright. but the majority of them are chinese-speaking. people always say sc girls have a different way of speaking. i didn't notice it till now. we do speak differently, and because i've spent ten years in sc, i've been brought up to believe that was the normal way of speaking here in this little place called singapore. people who used singlish were in minority - and people who used chinese to converse? heck they were out of science fiction novels as far as i was concerned.

in sc i could run up to someone, grab them and wave my hands about and ask if they'd watched or read snow falling on cedars. i could sit in class facing the window, looking out at the camp site, or hang by the railings above the coi pond where ms heng the fish lived - and really talk. not just gossip, but talk, about life, about aspirations, about souls.

i do miss ms heng, our principal. the nj principal is totally fine; but ms heng, oh she is so principled, so proper and she speaks with such conviction even in her short statements that it leaves an impression, no matter how small. and the sc cheer? yes i miss it. we only had one cheer which in my opinion sounded very michael jackson, but oh how i miss it. and i miss 4PR with chalene's regular speeches and the sing-a-long sessions i used to roll my eyes at during contact time. i think i'm going to break down soon if i don't stop thinking about all those things.

i took sc lit class for granted. i want to kick and slap myself for sleeping during ms ma's lessons, whining about ms sie and making fun of kai when she asked chris chua to write in her autograph book. not that nj teachers aren't good - i'm sure they are, but in my opinion, no other school [including jcs] can do lit the way sc does it. i miss my lit class, i miss sitting next to mel during class and getting excited together when ms ma flashes a certain poem, or when i read bits of prose. i felt so alone during the introductory lit lecture in nj. i found out we were covering conrad, huxley and eliot/hardy. and all around there were murmurs of 'ugh i hate lit' or 'ewww conrad'. me? i was trying not to jump around and look like a freak because HELLO I LOVE JOSEPH CONRAD. and then when the lit teacher talked about the poetry festival i was one of the few who actually wanted to look at the booklets. if i was in sc, the whole class would be up there and the alfian and alvin pang groupies [dawn+shirin+i] would be excited together. even sam t doesn't seem all that thrilled.

WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE IN ARTS IF YOU HAVE NO PASSION FOR IT HUH? makes me sick dammit.

and when our teacher outlined what we would cover in a level lit as compared to o level lit [to reassure us o level lit students would not get bored] i realized sc covers lit at a level standard. i know i keep saying this, but i really do take things for granted. even if i did go to ac and take war lit, i doubt that ten creffields would be able to bring ac up to sc standard. i once talked to my parents' friend who taught at rjc, and she told me if i could do well in sc lit, i must be fantastic because the way the teachers marked lit in sc was mad. i never believed her till today. the way our teachers mark have become rather normal and frankly i feel ms sie is lenient.

the thing about me is that when i love certain poets and writers so much - it gets like this. if you but mention, or cover one of their poems in class, i will breathe, 'oooh william blake' or 'WILFRED OWEN!' or merely keep silent with all this shouting in my heart. why? because poetry seems to reveal the deepest darkest depth of a person and after reading all of it, you feel like you know them because you have loved the work and you have, hence, loved who they are, how their mind works and the people that write. and when they are mentioned, you feel so proud, just so proud, even though they're buried somewhere remote in england or may be hardcore plagiarists because after reading their work, you have loved them for themselves. they become your very best friends that you just can't stop raving about all the time.

i love lit, i love being in arts stream, and even though nj people don't seem to - i'm going to show them how sc girls do it. if they're going to think i'm weird for launching into applause just because the teacher talks about samuel beckett or ae housman, let them. i love lit and i'm not ashamed of my passion.

i love scgs. i am an scgs girl, before i am an njc student; or any other jc for that matter, should i decide to leave.

+ posted by M @ 8:09 PM

...	Sunday, January 04, 2004

156 - mew

12.51 - the strokes

burn baby burn - ash

bend and not break - dc

maps - the yeah yeah yeahs

everybody's fool - evanescence

i woke up in a car - something corporate

stuff i happen to be listening to over and over again in no particular order. download, cos is good.

i desperately need to go shopping. check out this site - urbn.com. yeah omg i want everything there.

talk to me, won't you just talk to me?

+ posted by M @ 4:04 PM

...	Saturday, January 03, 2004

very frightening dream i had this morning.

i was talking to a woman executive of an american firm, and she told me she was going to publish many bibles and give them out for free - the kind of bible i have. and i asked her why she would do such a stupid thing because the bible i have is really expensive [$100+]. and then i woke up in my dream, realizing i had dreamt about the executive. and as i awoke in my dream, i realized that she would do such a thing to spread the word of God - which is priceless.

suddenly, i became blind. a voice said angrily, 'you have not done what i asked you to do.' i was blind, lying in bed, and again unable to move. i struggled and fell off the bed in hope that the shock would allow me to move again, but i could barely feel myself fall. and then i stood up and walked, blind and numb all the time, finding my younger brother and anxiously telling him to tell my mother i was blind. but he just stood there, indifferent and lazy to find my mother.

subconsciously, i was struggling to wake up and make this nightmare end - and finally i did. i woke up, from the dream. i was really awake now. i went downstairs and found my grandfather eating lunch and he started telling me a story about how he encountered many beggars during his church duty. and one day he was praying and he saw this man in tattered attire and assumed he was a beggar, but instead, the poor man simply wished him happy new year and went off. he told me how he had judged him too soon - and i realize that's what i had done in the dream, judged the female executive too soon by calling her stupid. coincidence?

so far i've told my grandparents about the two dreams, but not my own parents. today i just chose to keep quiet about this dream because it was just too frightening and confusing.

+ posted by M @ 4:29 PM

...

i spent the most of last night talking to people about their respective jcs. seet says PJ ain't all that bad and i half wish i were there with her. she said it was funny that after ten years of listening to Ms Heng's near perfect english speeches, she was subjected to the PJ principal's gramatically incorrect sentences and weird pronunciation. so far almost everyone has said ac was boring - to quote kai, 'it was the most boring day of my life', bea - 'no one had a worst time than me', cel 'mine is bad bad bad' but mel found it fun because, well, she had the funny people in her OG. HC sounds really academically driven; SMU NUS and NTU talks on the first day. and as for RJ? hardly anyone went there and i have yet to ask yilin. chris thinks nj isn't too interesting. mandy says we must be more enthusiastic and make it fun.

it's so weird, actually, asking them how school was. i hate thinking i might never see them again.

+ posted by M @ 3:23 PM

...	Friday, January 02, 2004

acjc is doing war lit. why the hell am i not in ac. robert graves, wilfred owen, housman.. i'd trade aldous huxley for all the war poets.

ok, will be positive.

+ posted by M @ 8:03 PM

...

i will not bend i will not break

honestly, i've been listening to too much dashboard confessional. it has a terrible effect on me - basically it makes me depressed because i wish i were dating Chris Carrabba.

anyhow. how did i spend the new year. watched mona lisa smile. not that great, in my opinion. the women's lib was a bit too contrived - and after having watched something like dead poet's society; well it just couldn't live up to my expectations. i liked the plotline with julia stiles very much though. je played hands down on my brother's guitar and taught me the intro which i found difficult even. sleep over at my place with mel, cel and mandy. count down. slob out.

i can't believe i'm never seeing most of my friends in school anymore. i'm an njcian. ha. can't believe that has happened.

ah what the heck, i just can't let go yet. i basically floated around lifelessly unwilling to attach myself to this school because i still feel like i belong to sc. why should i be saying another school's cheers? yep that kind of attitude is going to get my nowhere basically. met chris at sch. it's so weird that we're schoolmates now, but he is a nice sort of friend, i'll give him that.

i haven't really stepped out of my comfort zone yet because i basically hung out with the sc girls. it's kind of weird that jasmine was in nj but i hardly saw her cos i was with mandy and charis. i find the saying out of sight, out of mind is very applicable to my life. where have they gone? things seem to disintegrate when i can't see them.

new year, new life, new attitude - but still, the old me. most definitely. this may sound sad, but i'm actually more excited for classtime and lessons - that's when the bonding really begins, and that's when i get to read eight books and cover aldous huxley's brave new world. i know i'm not for lit as an examinable subject, but its interesting, listening to various people interpret the texts - namely the teachers. and of course it's nice to know that i'm basically doing really great stuff and not anymore of that boring science textbook stuff. i just wish we could do ancient history though.

on monday i will meet my real OG, and maybe my classmates. hope they'll be great cos i think it's really the people that makes or breaks jc life. i was thinking of running for studént's council; but decided against it today. i'd have to be terribly enthusiastic, capable, tolerant and encouraging. being faced by sian sian students and having to try to conjure school spirit. having to choreograph the mass dance. nup. i don't seem to be one of those happy shiny types, sadly. and then of course i'd have to sacrifice my holidays. NO WAY MAN. i want a life.

but who's to know what will happen? somewhere in december 2003 i could feel it; and even around the o level period before the feeling got engulfed by my books and physics facts ... 2004 is going to be a big year. why? i have no idea, i could just feel all the oncoming change waiting to happen. hopefully, for the better.

+ posted by M @ 5:31 PM