it has just hit me that this year is depressing. like joseph conrad emphasizes in heart of darkness - there is no silver lining at all. it's all bleak. and even if there is a glimmer of hope, it's either an optical illusion or false illumination.

and part of the reason why i feel like this is because i know my birthday is coming in less than two months and i'll be 'celebrating' my first few hours in the exam hall in njc taking some godforsaken prelim paper. could things get any worse? yes they can. no one will bother to remember because they'll only be too busy studying for the prelims. THE RAT RACE IS TAKING OVER OUR LIVES. BEWARE OF THE A LEVEL BODYSNATCHERS. i know to you lot this is a bunch of self-pitying drivel, but honestly. it just doesn't help my already self-loathing situation at all. not. at. all.

forget it. what's the big deal about turning eighteen. i'm not going to get all sentimental about this birthday stuff. not important, not important, not important.

just had a big showdown thingy with family/parents yesterday. i feel that no matter how much we try to sort things out it's never going to work. i'm being realistic here, it just isn't. and it's so confusing and i don't know what i am or what it is anymore. forget it.

i am nothing. my life is nothing. but on the other hand, i realize heart of darkness is one of the most beautiful books i have ever read [after finishing it today, finally]. so, there, at least i have that if nothing else.

+ posted by M @ 6:50 PM

...	Wednesday, July 27, 2005

i am sick with laryngitis [i think thats how its spelt] and i should be sleeping so i can recover faster but i kept getting nightmares. not typical nightmares - God i don't even know if they're nightmares. just had repetitive dreams about not being able to move, and something was always always holding me down. and before that i kept dreaming about hacking our way through a jungle of trees - obviously offset by repeated study of Heart Of Darkness. bea calls the 'paralysed dreams' spiritual attacks, but the thought of that is just far too scary. i just feel so worried about the rest of the week and the rest of my life. i miss being in the cenacle. i feel annoyed with myself for getting sick and missing school but i guess it can't be helped [?], i managed to stave off the flu/sore throat/fever bug that hit my family for like two months already.

i want to drop out of school. i want to watch films like there is no tomorrow. see the thing about me is that even though i know i need to study i'll make the time to watch a good film on HBO from like 11 onwards and go to school totally wired. last night i had to complete Requiem For a Dream which yuehan kindly lent me without me asking ['you should watch this'] and on sunday i watched Neil Simon's The Goodbye Girl.

sigh. i feel so utterly and hopelessly lost. and right now i must get back to work, and not waste the day.

+ posted by M @ 1:32 PM

...	Sunday, July 24, 2005

have finally caved in and decided to set up my own foodblog. do drop by it, though it's rather rudimentary and i won't be updating it very often for the next few months because of school [bad timing, bad timing], but i am very excited about it!

+ posted by M @ 11:13 PM

...	Saturday, July 23, 2005

VOYEURISM AT ITS BEST
the following is an entry taken from an nj student's blog i read,

hey. yay! j2 life's becoming so much more fun and enriching! i'm so excited, i can't wait for A levels to come. i've been waiting for it all my jc life!! i'm looking forward to the fun-filled mugging days ahead. can you imagine, the immense feeling of satisfaction after you've completed a tys chapter? or the wonderful anticipation and renewed vigour when you embark upon yet another journey through the next chapter in the tys? my life feels as if it's been given a new sense of purpose and direction. schoolwork has actually breathed new life into me, invigorating my senses and providing me with a brand new positive outlook at life! thank god for lecture notes and tutorial questions, the bread and butter of jc life. what spinach is to popeye, and hair gel is to johnny bravo, tys is to me. i eat, live and breathe school work. that's the kind of life i've been waiting all my life to enjoy. njc's like a heaven to me now! everywhere i go, i can see my fellow students doing just what we enjoy most. seeing the smiles of satisfaction on their faces as they compare answers and share notes simply warms my heart. it really heartens me to know that we all share the same undying passion for the ceaseless conquest and unquenchable thirst for knowledge. such fiery passion for knowledge should never go unrewarded. one can practically hear the squeals of glee from s12 when mr ong announces that as a reward, from now on, we can dedicate three hours of our time every saturday to learning physics! with the same unbridled enthusiasm, the students of s12 attend this wonderful sharing session with a renewed positive outlook towards life. you can almost sense the disappointment of those students in the class who have dropped physics. imagine the agony they must be going through - knowing that they've missed out on this delightfully gilt-edged opportunity to further their knowledge in physics. oh my! look at the time! it's only 1.20am! the night is still young, i'd better get down to more enjoyable studying. if you ask me, i wouldn't miss a minute of studying for the world. i can't wait for the A levels! :)

HAHAHA OMG JUST LET ME DIE LAUGHING. MAYBE THE SCIENCE FAC KIDS AREN'T AS INEPT AT EXPRESSING THEMSELVES AS I THOUGHT. THIS IS SO VERY VERY FUNNY.

+ posted by M @ 10:59 PM

...

today i was greeted with a flash of memory from happier times that we sometimes often forget existed. and i remembered walking backwards from the canteen to our 4PR classroom, yes, i suddenly felt like walking backwards and i'd do so with the green tiles beneath my feet and jasmine and ying ying laughing at my spontaneously mad antics and making sure i didn't knock into the pillars, jenny just giggling in amusement and yilin staring in amazement at my silliness. after a few trips they got used to me walking backwards and we actually had actual conversations that way. i liked it because i could see their faces when we talked. we were all just so happy.

and then i remember in sec2, burying the dead bird we found with tools from the science garden, with jacyn and deborah and sticking a makeshift cross on the grave. the sec1 classes around that area suddenly started discovering a lot of dead birds and burying them too. they were just so tickled by our efforts i think that they got enthusiastic about it. and even though we didn't know each other we started talking to each other about bird-burying efforts. we all started plucking little flowers for the graves. there were like, three!

i think now i've sort of deadened and stopped doing weird things like that. has that part of me died? it's sad to think so.

God, i really miss them. and i really miss SCGS. i need to go back soon or i'll die, i've been missing every single event this year - national day, anyone?

+ posted by M @ 11:34 AM

...	Friday, July 22, 2005

the week has passed by and i'm left stunned and dazed. have managed to more or less keep to intensive studying determination and i can only hope i don't burn out [but there are less than two months left to prelims anyway].

have been thinking more about universities. and i've decided i'm really not gonna apply to Barnard, as lovely as it looks. i've found Emerson, which seems just wonderful. my college counsellor told me it was a 'floozy' school just because it's a theatre/media geared liberal arts college [how offensive!] but he said if that's what i want to do i should apply. the problem is, what if theatre isn't something i completely want to do? plus i don't want to just do ONE part of it - i want to do it ALL. act, set, directing, script. total experience. and then i mean there's film and lit and EVERYTHING. OH MY GOD.

also thinking about NYU, and later on TISCH. helps that charlie kaufman came from there. the only thing i'm worried about is that in a city like campus like emerson and nyu i might just become even more detached and reclusive. i don't know.

universities. what am i going to do, God?

church today was good for me at the end of a whole week of ... meaningless and depressing studying. made me think. my relationship with God now? is in bad shape. very bad shape. but i'm not going to muse about it now. and i really was just very tired and detached and dazed at some points. step by step, step by step. i think i'm becoming more anti-social. i don't feel like talking to people much nowadays. i just don't. i just feel like if i haven't anything meaningful to say i might as well ... not talk. and then many a time my mind is on my books and a levels and stuff. good Lord please don't let me become a person who values numbers and grades above the human touch. eugh. i hate how life is geared towards that now, but i guess i just have to accept it in the meantime and make sure to squeeze in time for people. i'm tempted to study again now after a night of church activities and no study, but i will control myself and tell myself I NEED THE REST. so i am going to relax, yes i am going to try to relax.

HAHA I SOUND SO RIDICULOUS.

+ posted by M @ 11:56 PM

...	Wednesday, July 20, 2005

am feeling rather ... annoyed and frustrated.

i thought i found the perfect college. Barnard College. liberal arts. not as frighteningly selective as the Ivys. in New York, New York! but i missed out on one MAJOR MINOR detail.

womens' college.

honestly. wellesley and barnard seem like such nice choices. wonderful locations, good affiliations [in particular, Barnard is affiliated to Julliard], all liberal artsy and stuff. BUT THEY'RE WOMENS' COLLEGES. maybe it's a personal bias i have to overcome but i just don't want to go to an all-girls college. don't get me wrong, the years i spent in SCGS were the best of my life - but an all girls COLLEGE? when i'm like, 19?! the thing i just don't like is how they say it's a good environment for the girls and stuff. but in the real world, men exist. we just have to deal with it, come out of our comfort zones and 'compete' with them [which seems to be the main issue] whether we like it or not. there will always be chauvistic morons around. no point planting yourself in a safe haven for four years only to have all your illusions shattered.

and besides, it's nice to get a male opinion [if it's a thoughtful one]. diversity is always good.

argh. my college counselor seems bent on sending me off to Wellesley [perhaps because he thinks the lack of male applicants, and thus less applicants on the whole, will also give me a higher chance of getting in]. i don't know what i should do. for a while i felt so sure of where i wanted to go [Barnard, before i realized it was womens']. and now, i'm back where i started.

i'm just really frustrated. help me. maybe i'm meant to go to an all-womens' college and die from extreme feminist sentiments [i am pro-feminist, but not a feminist, understand the difference?]. i feel all these extreme feminists [Adrienne Rich and a variety of WOMEN WOMEN WOMEN poets] are rather contrived at some point of time.

we'll just see how it goes.

+ posted by M @ 8:29 PM

...	Tuesday, July 19, 2005

"Do you see him? Do you see the story? Do you see anything? It seems I am trying to tell you a dream--making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is the very essence of dreams...no, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one's existence--that which makes its truth, its meaning--its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream--alone..."

- Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad

am currently re-reading it, in valiant attempt to attain an A for my prelims [REALLY. I REALLY WANT TO. whether i get it is another thing altogether], and well, i liked that chunk when i first read it, and i still like it now. it really is beautiful.

+ posted by M @ 10:04 PM

...	Monday, July 18, 2005

just finished watching about schmidt.

sigh. i don't know what i feel. sad and hopeful at the same time. the thing about this sort of movie is that it's sad, funny, ironic and true all at once. i guess that's how life is most of the time.

+ posted by M @ 11:03 PM

...

i wish i had the time to keep a food blog.

sigh. have spent excessive amounts of time day-dreaming, as usual.

WHEN THE A LEVELS ARE OVER I WILL DO MANY GREAT THINGS.

i will bake a lemon meringue pie.

+ posted by M @ 8:23 PM

...	Sunday, July 17, 2005

if you read the newspapers today, you will find a boy in a striking red blazer standing beside his painting. ALVIN, FROM MY JUNIOR CLASS! youngest artist to ever win the UOB painting of the year award! feel so proud of him, though not that close to him. but still, someone i see every morning assembly and from my junior class! HA! one for the njarts fac!

so now he's $20,000 richer, and more importantly, VERY TALENTED artistic catholic boy. the girls in 05a03 should count themselves quite lucky. haha. cute little alvin who is a little weird. artists are just wonderful.

okay i don't know why i'm so excited about this but i am.

sunday leads to monday. monday to tuesday. tuesday to wednesday. i feel like bernard from The Waves. i have decided i am going to stay in school till about 6 everyday to get some serious studying done. i have to. i have to. i have toooooo. gonna see my college career/uni counselor tomorrow and he's probably going to scold me for my bad grades and tell me i have no chance of getting into a good US university. SO I MUST WORK HARDER!

+ posted by M @ 5:01 PM

...	Saturday, July 16, 2005

Let them all pass all their dirty remarks (One Love)
There is one question I'd really like to ask (One Heart)
Is there a place for the hopeless sinner
Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own?
Believe me

One Love - Bob Marley

have been listening to the likes of bruce springsteen [THE BOSS!], bob dylan, bob marley and jimi hendrix. old school music is certainly proving more therapeutic and uplifting nowadays. bob marley telling me 'don't worry, be happy' is a lot more positive and something i need to hear more so than jimmy eat world telling me to 'rip my heart right out'. anyway. it's 12.21. this weekend means serious study time. SERIOUS STUDY TIME. i will do it. i WILL do it. I WILL STUDY.

bruce springsteen said something i really liked. about how he wrote a certain song that was about betrayal - but when you sing songs, they shift meaning. and to someone who's in love, that song means something entirely different and beautiful. even if it's about betrayal. i think it's true.

also, i know this snippet is rather negative, but it's something i particularly remembered [you know, that part in the play you REMEMBER even if you forget everything else, like carol's piece where she said, 'when we find the exit, there will be food, there will be freedom, there will be happiness!] from Closer by Patrick Marber, when asked her opinion of the photography exhibition,

Alice: It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully and all the rich fuckers who appreciate art say it's beautiful because that's what they want to see...the exhibition is reassuring, which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie.

wonder how nuria, aspiring photog would feel about this. hm.

anyway. to end on a more hopeful note. i will go study now. but i will remember that,

WHEN WE FIND THE EXIT, THERE WILL BE FOOD, THERE WILL BE FREEDOM, THERE WILL BE HAPPINESS!

(complete with wild hand gestures)

- Carol's Character , Government Property

+ posted by M @ 12:20 PM

...	Friday, July 15, 2005

my drama teacher is seriously the meanest person on earth. what makes it worse is the mean-ness behind a smiling exterior. i know it's not right of me to pass such judgment, but HONESTLY. i'm just annoyed and hurt. i don't think any other cca exco will ever understand the way we feel because at least they have more supportive teachers. it's not a very nice feeling when it's the election meeting and technically the last meeting of my njdrama career and there he is passing snide remarks about us.

i know we weren't perfect. i know there were a lot of things we mixed up. i know we made mistakes. i know there were some in the exco [or rather one] who were non-committal. i know sometimes we were rather flighty and idealistic. but the point is, i really gave my all. i've never cared about a cca so much in my life before. when it came to dramafest, wenci, angela, nina, annabel and i put our heart and soul into it. completely.

AND IF YOU CAN'T SEE THAT, SCREW YOU. COS I FREAKIN CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO TAKE YOUR SNIDE REMARKS AND STRINGS ATTACHED JOKES ANYMORE. and anyway, i'm through. today was the last meeting i had to deal with your nonsense and arrogance. i don't care if you chance upon this and read this. i really don't bloody care. and anyone who tries to talk to me and tell me that he's not that bad and he's actually nice - SAVE IT. you don't understand what we've gone through, you've only seen that one side of him during lessons and whatever. so just, don't.

on a happier note. today's meeting went quite nicely, despite certain people. i'm quite pleased with the election results, and we had lots of fun with my black muffins [pictures will come soon]. unfortunately didn't take snap shots of people with black tongues/teeth/lips etc because was in a rush.

Thank You Lord, for bringing me through this week.

+ posted by M @ 11:24 PM

...	Thursday, July 14, 2005

i'm not going to pretend like i'm some saint that caters to everyone's needs and puts others problems above my own, because i'm not. i'm human and sometimes i can be selfish and at this point in time i just wish someone would listen to me instead of looking at your phone and constantly talking to an invisible person 2398734598735 miles away. and i wish i didn't have to resort to doing the same just so i can talk to someone.

concentrate on the now. open your eyes.

+ posted by M @ 11:48 PM

...	Tuesday, July 12, 2005

you know, the NJCanoeists may be on to something with their whole 'Pain is Temporary, But Glory is Forever' mantra. i thought it was a load of hogwash when mandy quoted it in relation to our situation of studying for the common tests [ha look HOW that turned out!], but now as my NJDrama career draws to a close, i see the sense in the words.

after my anger towards CCA best practices has been quelled [by not having to have anything to do with it], i am beginning to feel deeply sentimental about friday's elections. i know after Dramafest i was all ready to step down and give up the stress and short deadlines and annoying schizo teacher but now i'm having problems letting go. when i think about it, maybe 'glory' isn't the right word to use - i never liked the word much, just SO exaggeratingly elevating to the extent of sounding pretentious - and i don't know what fits; the point is, despite all the stress, i'd gladly do it all over again. run for exco with impromptu speech, try to hold together the crumbling cca, organize open day and lunchtime plays with zero experience, having that ONE DAY camp, then the frantic but well put together cca fair, the first meeting we chaired, so many things, in between get seriously pissed with exco and teacher, and finally, DRAMAFEST.

dramafest was really the fruit of our labours. i mean though we tried hard to have regular meetings [unlike the previous exco], dramafest was really the glue. it brought us together, it helped us recognize each other. that's why i can understand why TSD people are so cliquey and close [as vjc people accuse them of being] - because putting together a production, getting screamed at by a schizo teacher in the LT late, having to perfect lighting costume acting timing set house publicity, SIMULATING REALITY, CREATING ART, 'MAINTAINING THE ILLUSION' etc is a TOTAL BONDING EXPERIENCE. i don't know how to explain it. maybe because we've all gone through something personal - maybe because putting up a show and in that sense PUTTING YOURSELF OUT THERE to be judged by strangers is a fiercely personal and SHARED experience. and it just binds us all together.

we're not as united as other ccas. okay. we're really small. okay. we're not as high profile as other schools' drama societies. okay. we don't exist. okay. people say all those things about us. and they may be right, but the thing is - I DON'T CARE. I DON'T BLOODY CARE. after all's been said and done, i don't for a second wish i had been in another school's drama society, albeit it being a technically better one. I LOVE NJDRAMA.

we humans are such masochists by nature aren't we? always loving the things that hurt us the most. always wanting to carry on even though we know it will be a painful and stressful process. but i guess in the end - the pain was worth it, and the GOOD really outweighs the bad. i have done something i didn't want to do. i have formed an attachment to nj in the form of Drama. and i'm glad and thankful God gave me this opportunity.

sheesh i'm already getting so melodramatic now. i hope i don't end up sobbing on friday itself. theatre, forever.

+ posted by M @ 10:49 PM

...

The Collar

I Struck the board, and cry’d, No more.

I will abroad.

What? shall I ever sigh and pine?

My lines and life are free; free as the rode,

Loose as the winde, as large as store.

Shall I be still in suit?

Have I no harvest but a thorn

To let me bloud, and not restore

What I have lost with cordiall fruit?

Sure there was wine

Before my sighs did drie it: there was corn

Before my tears did drown it.

Is the yeare onely lost to me?

Have I no bayes to crown it?

No flowers, no garlands gay? all blasted?

All wasted?

Not so, my heart: but there is fruit,

And thou hast hands.

Recover all thy sigh-blown age

On double pleasures: leave thy cold dispute

Of what is fit, and not. Forsake thy cage,

Thy rope of sands,

Which pettie thoughts have made, and made to thee

Good cable, to enforce and draw,

And be thy law,

While thou didst wink and wouldst not see.

Away; take heed:

I will abroad.

Call in thy deaths head there: tie up thy fears.

He that forbears

To suit and serve his need,

Deserves his load.

But as I rav’d and grew more fierce and wilde

At every word,

Me thoughts I heard one calling, Childe:

And I reply’d, My Lord.

never really understood this poem when we studied it. but right now, I FEEL IT. if only i had discovered this sooner, maybe i could have covered it for Herbert ct paper and did better. oh well, thank you George Herbert for providing an outlet through Christian poetry.

+ posted by M @ 8:43 PM

...	Sunday, July 10, 2005

i think we go through our whole lives deceiving ourselves into believing we want certain PARTICULAR things [to get into X university, to get X bag/pants/book etc, to get X person to like you] when really, we just want to MEAN SOMETHING. and it's a lot easier to attain these other things than to really feel that we genuinely MEAN SOMETHING. we don't know what we want to mean, but we just want to mean something.

that's what i want. and it's not enough to hear someone else say it, 'you mean a lot to me' or 'what you did meant a lot' etcetc, or 'you mean a lot to God' even. you have to feel it yourself. YOU HAVE TO MEAN SOMETHING TO YOURSELF. because a lot of the time, we only trust ourselves. and at many points in my life, i haven't felt like i meant something to myself. i feel like many times i'm just grasping at things hanging in the sky. what things? everything! i do not know, i do not know. the problem is that when you don't really know what you want to mean, it's very hard to determine when you mean it. this is the closest it gets - sometimes i dream of creating a piece of art, or writing, or play or performance or dish or whichever [!] so beautiful and true and full of LOVE and freedom and watching a stranger pick up my book/watch my play/look at my art/taste my cooking and the way she/he reacts. it doesn't matter if he/she laughs or cries [even if i had intended neither. i think it rather ... silly that lit teaches us to look for the effect the artist intended when REALLY it seems LIKE MANIPULATION for an artist to expect only one kind of CORRECT effect - e.g 'short stanzas create rushed exciting effect' my teacher says].

as long as it meant something to him/her, i think i could and WOULD WANT to drop dead at that very spot of peeking at the audience/reader/art-looker/diner and blissfully sleep eternally in that memory that I HAVE TOUCHED SOMEONE AND MEANT SOMETHING WITH MY WORK! i get a little taste of it now and then, with dramafest, with some of my writing. but it's not enough, it's not lasting, because those things didn't mean the world to me, A LOT, but not the world. the future[hopefully, i so aspire] book/play/art/dish that a stranger experiences - it will mean the world to me. WORLDS COLLIDE when art is around, AND THATS JUST BEAUTIFUL! like my world and woolf's world, recently!

that's all i want. to mean something. and it's a very big want.

heck, it's not even a want; it's a need.

+ posted by M @ 12:15 PM

...

'Heaven be praised for solitude! I am alone now. That almost unknown person has gone, to catch some train, to take some cab, to go to some place or person whom I do not know. The face looking at me has gone. The pressure is removed. Here are empty coffee-cups. Here are chairs turned but nobody sits on them. Here are empty tables and nobody any more coming to dine at them to-night.

Let me now raise my song of glory. Heaven be praised for solitude. Let me be alone. Let me cast and throw away this veil of being, this cloud that changes with the least breath, night and day, and all night and all day. While I sat here I have been changing. I have watched the sky change. I have seen clouds cover the stars, then free the stars, then cover the stars again. Now I look at their changing no more. Now no one sees me and I change no more. Heaven be praised for solitude that has removed the pressure of the eye, the solicitation of the body, and all need of lies and phrases.'

- an extract taken from The Waves, Virginia Woolf

+ posted by M @ 11:27 AM

...	Saturday, July 09, 2005

just got back from possibly one of the best theatre experiences of my life so far!

though i may look otherwise, am actually bursting with excitement but as usual express it otherwise. i suppose normal people laugh really loudly at black humour but i tend to keep very quiet during plays and concentrate on what i'm watching. i react inwardly. is that weird?

anyhow. really really reallyyyyyy liked how they moved about the whole school, using lts, classrooms, undertreespots. very inspiring, especially coming from njc where the drama troupe does not have the luxury of being given a good stage/set [such as the likes of coughAC and HCcough] or large budget. just makes me believe that if we love it enough, NJDRAMA CAN WORK AND WILL WORK. though of course the vjtsdpeople work on this stuff A LOT and have other equipment. but hey, no proper performing arts centre doesn't mean no chance. so yay!

a lot of them meant so many things. the perchtree family. not as funny as it seemed! but just really. got to me. like GOT ME. and carol's piece. just brilliant.

on a side note. went back to ED yesterday. rather happy.

the weekend is ending and i have not done any work save refile my math and history stuff. hmm.

+ posted by M @ 11:27 PM

...	Friday, July 08, 2005

didn't go to school today. despite conscience nagging at me to get up and go - it was all too easy to ignore it and continue sleeping. i have the bad feeling i'll suffer the repercussions of this, but at present, i'm just numb to consequence.

i know everyone is getting a lot more serious. i can feel it. we know we shouldn't mess around anymore. the a levels are in a few months time. i haven't started on university choices. God. everything is caving in. everyone knows that, but somehow, i'm just not putting that thought into action. and then the whole vicious cycle of wanting to but not doing anything and managing to stay conveniently in dreamland.

i'm good at that. building a world of my own. sitting among crowds and getting immersed in fictional worlds of literature. reading on the mrt. reading in the canteen. reading as i stand alone against a wall. just reading reading reading and shutting every damn thing out. books make life a whole lot more bearable.

sigh. whine whine whine whine whine whine. as far as i'm concerned, all my gripes sound the same. i just feel so trapped. so suffocated by the horrible colour scheme of red and orange and lurid green. i need to break away - i need to be alone. i need to be free of this melancholy and meaningless grime that clings. it doesn't help to see everyone else in school with lost expressions - they seem happy enough, but are they? always, always uncomfortable with silence, filling the air with talk that means nothing, emotions that are dry.

i'm so out of touch with reality. i need to make a connection. or else that's the end of it.

it doesn't help when your mom tells you during lunch that she thinks life is a punishment. she thinks it's a meaningless existence where we grow old and die. yes, your very own mother who gave you life thinks life is a punishment. and this isn't the first time she's shared this view. even though i agree certain days when i'm in my moods, at the end of it all, i do think life is beautiful. sometimes i really wonder, behind her huge eagerness to tell us things she sees [and me and my brothers sort of just nodding and listening rather inattentively], and behind her often caustic lectures, behind the chirpiness she possesses when shopping and baking, behind how perfect she is at times - what does she think? who is she? somehow i think there will always be a barrier between my mother and i. and i will never know her for who she is and vice versa because my parents simply will never understand me. and i don't say this in a teenage 'you don't understand!' way, but in a sad realization that i will never gain any sort of ... understanding from them in my views of the world. it's when she says things like this that i realize i don't know my mother at all.

it depresses me, because i don't want to grow up with an outlook like that. i'm sure at one stage she was young and filled with hope and a taste for life ... and she still glows, but how is it that she feels this way? i don't want to become like that. i don't want to lose a zest for life and love. i don't know i don't know ARGH.

i know why the caged bird sings.

+ posted by M @ 2:38 PM

...	Tuesday, July 05, 2005

school has started, and it sucks. it will continue to if i don't improve my outlook on school life, but still, eugh.

watched closer today. very bleak, bleak movie. very striking at certain points though. i particularly liked the opening and closing sequence. and natalie portman's performance was earth-shattering. found out it was actually based on a play. and i notice how 20th century english writing is largely dismal without even the smallest hint of a silver lining. conrad, pinter, huxley [and now, marber] all just ... completely black.

completely and utterly random thought:

PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN HOW TO LISTEN. i think it's sadly ironic how we pass through life doing things we do all our lives and thinking they're simple enough - like listening to someone else talk, without realizing we're only performing an empty charade of the real thing. how many of us really listen to someone when they talk? and i know i do it a lot too, completely zone out sometimes and be self-absorbed. but the world would just be a much better place if we all really learnt how to listen. including me. and even if we do listen and absorb the facts - how much do we take note of the tone of voice? and when we finally reach inside of us and bother to listen, it's just too late.

makes me think of a scene in fight club,

Narrator: When people think you're dying, man . . . they really, really listen to you, instead of just . . .

Marla Singer: Instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

+ posted by M @ 10:46 PM

...

FOODIE DAY | how to be a domestic goddess | the mincemeat, all chopped up by bea | mincemeat in the bowl after being... kneaded by me | the raw meatballs | the cooked meatballs | jamie oliver's special tomato sauce | BEFORE | AFTER | me holding up the fruits of my labour | the first meatball | bea, thinking about dessert, obviously | mould | the batter | THE MOLTEN BABYCAKES with ben and jerry's ice cream. oh, too good | gobbling up all the food.  

+ posted by M @ 9:38 PM

...	Monday, July 04, 2005

Prose or poetry?
don't make me choose, please.

Book(s) you're reading now
The Waves ~ Virginia Woolf

Last book(s) you read
The Spire ~ William Golding

Next book(s) you're going to buy /read
determined NOT to buy anymore books until i have finished the excess i have on my shelves. it's like book dieting or something. so, probably going to read Heart of the Matter ~ Graham Greene next.

Book you've read the most times
haven't really read any book more than once. but i suppose Looking for Alibrandi ~ Melina Marchetta because it's simple to read and wonderful at the same time.

Longest book you've read
mmm. i haven't really attacked any long books. the longest i've encountered is about 300 odd pages. and there are a few, so i don't know.

One book that you wanted to read that disappointed you
The Da Vinci Code ~ Dan Brown. everyone was raving on and on about it and i only caught on like a year late or something [without actually knowing what it was about!]. and then realized it to be the sensationalist typically-thrilling/mystery schmuck that tops best-seller lists. mystery novels not really my kind of thing. have never read nancy drews, hardy boys, agatha christies and sidney sheldons in my life. and don't really plan to.

Have you read books in a language different from yours?
technically, i'm monolingual. unless you count comic books.

Writer you've read the most books from
mmm gosh. Dick King Smith. all accomplished when i was younger. and Anne Fine. honestly. there are other authors i adore but i haven't read more than 3 of their books at most. i think when you're younger you have far more time to read, and i think that's why the authors i've read most of are the children's writers.

Some books you like (not necessarily your favourites)
i'll limit this to ten off the top of my head.
Brighton Rock ~ Graham Greene
The End of the Affair ~ Graham Greene
Looking For Alibrandi ~ Melina Marchetta
Kitchen ~ Banana Yoshimoto
Happy Days with the Naked Chef ~ Jamie Oliver
City of Rain ~ Alvin Pang
Romeo and Juliet ~ William Shakespeare
Bridget Jones' Diary ~ Helen Fielding
Fiesta : The Sun Also Rises ~ Ernest Hemingway
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen

3 books you don't like
The Spire ~ William Golding [waste of time, in my opinion. but perhaps i didn't grasp the literary significance of it or whatever]
A MYSTERY NOVEL [in general]
Heart of Darkness ~ Joseph Conrad [i will reread it and hopefully like it because IT IS MY A LEVEL TEXT]

on a side note. got my package from amazon today. was watching the special section of the R+J dvd and i have acquired even more respect for leonardo dicaprio. i mean, the guy flew coach to oz on his own free time to check out the script and explore the idea of the film. now that is true dedication and love for film and acting. don't get many actors like him nowadays.

over dinner had an argument with my brother - stemming from the use of the serving spoon during dinner. yes, i know it's ridiculous. the problem with me is that i'm stubborn about my views and i'll fight tooth and nail for them even when sometimes i know i should just shut up and comply - makes things far more pleasant. what a bland, lifeless adjective 'pleasant' is. amazing how a description can be so non-descript.

sigh.

+ posted by M @ 6:40 PM

...

DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR HEAD
BOYS LIKE YOU ARE A DIME A DOZEN
BOYS LIKE YOU ARE A DIME A DOZEN.

except they're not.

caught a glimpse of you today. only had to see the back of your head to know it was you. and then you turned around and continued walking but you didn't see me. and i guess you don't know and may never know the way i feel, but all the same, you're pretty damn special.

+ posted by M @ 1:44 AM

...	Saturday, July 02, 2005

i've been reading the waves by virginia woolf ... and wow, just WOW!

WOW WOW WOW WOW WOWWWWWW

it's hard to follow, and a bit giddy at first because it's written in stream of consciousness of SIX PEOPLE and the whole book is just THAT! but at the same time ... you just get it! it's just SO ALIVE!

i don't know how to describe it. but i think Carol would like it very much, somehow.

and also, Oscar Wilde's fairytales!

okay. am just so easily excited by all these things!

+ posted by M @ 11:38 PM

...

mel+no immediate need to do anything school-related=ONE VERY HAPPY GIRL.

yes, easy math i can understand.

woke up at 2! today. simply because I CAN. boxed a bit in an attempt to get rid of EXTREME FULLNESS of last night's DIVINE dinner. ['you're at home? what an un-mel thing to do!' - angela] now contemplating whether to READ or do something equally ENJOYABLE or GO OUT.

now filling brain with hi-speed EUPHORIA of MOULIN ROUGE soundtrack. ANGELA IS BACK! watching POETIC LICENSE at ARTS HOUSE tomorrow with the EX LONELY HEARTS CLUB MEMBERS, where i will see DAWN'S poem as well as ZHIYING'S [as i read in papers] get ACTED out. as well as ALFIAN SA'AT and possibly ALVIN PANG. YES! exciting. exciting. EXCITING!

THEATRE THEATRE THEATRE!

+ posted by M @ 4:38 PM

...

ended CTs with a big bang. though we obviously DID NOT DESERVE TO!

bea and i cooked up a dinner for the three of us. bea did the dessert. i did the main course. BUT mandy DID pound chili and cumin and all of us rolled up the meatballs. she also took photos which i hope she will send to me :)

we proved that we are domestically capable and should we screw up our a levels, be able to go into some sort of food business. bea's molten babycakes were SUBLIME! and i'm glad with the way my jamie oliver meatballs turned out. COOL FOOD PICS ON THE WAY I HOPE.

watched shakespeare in love and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. both movies i adore!

am feeling very fulfilled and blissful. this weekend i shall curl up in bed with books and watch movies.

+ posted by M @ 12:26 AM