why do i feel this way?

these days i just have the urge to do all my filing. ME. FILING. im not a paperwork person. yet.. i have this need to sort out the clutter in my life and erase erase erase.

why? wasn't i happy with things the way they were?

i want a new life. i don't want to be me anymore. i don't want to live like this and do all this anymore.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i just picked myself up and ran. run for my life. emancipation. run away to the seaport and board some ship to anywhere. not by myself, but with you. people say they miss the cushy comfortable life - but i guess it has to be experienced before i really believe the pain of that regret.

comfort or love?! i asked all of you that once.

i make my own life. where to now? where do i go from here? what do i do? why does everyone seem to know what they want when i don't? everything is just so meaningless. the happenings. the pointless laughs. the squabbles. the time when someone makes you feel all warm and happy. even that seems meaningless too. it all just fades away.

the problem with me is that i expect far too much. from people, from friends, from relationships.

i can't stand this. i sound like a very bad version of an angsty teen. and i can't even write coherently anymore...

shucks. i'm going to stop blogging about this for at least a week so i can stop being so disgusting.

+ posted by M @ 5:43 PM

...

this week has been insane.

and i think. weekends are far too packed for me. saturdays nowadays are just like.. its like one activity after the other. i actually have a schedule of people to meet and things to do. what happened to the days when we could leisurely wake up at eleven, slowly get ready and meet the girls for lunch at one at wheelock place?

now it's like. oh i've got some school thing till twelve so i can meet you after. and then after meeting a bunch of people i go on to meet other people for dinner and then i end up coming back at ten pm when i've been out since ten am [or earlier].

why am i rambling like this.

i want to spend one saturday just at home by myself, baking, reading, sketching or watching some art films i rented.. or.. i want to rent eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i still haven't watched it. i think i need an afternoon of solitude. it's long due. oh well. next week the four day holiday is up. i'll make good use of one day for myself.

actually i sort of wanted tonight for myself but sc drama fest is on and if charm sells me her ticket i'm definitely going because ... it's SC! i regret not going for the track meet because bea told me her and bunch of others went back to the small sc contingent and just cheered stella on and even though she fell during the relay she picked herself up and continued running. so sc came in last. but it doesn't matter. the sc spirit lives. the love goes on. more than anything else.

more than anything else.

and chalene smsed me yesterday and she talked about how she prayed with vanessa and with her friend on the phone because her friend needed to find saga seeds for a gift but only found ten. and in the end her friend chanced upon st margs and collected more than 300 seeds. and it's just things like this that i miss. being with the class and having people spontaneously burst out into song and being with chalene and suddenly having her go, 'ok let's pray now' and saying 'don't worry at all, truffle. don't worry at all'. i miss chalene so much. and gayle. i miss having people who believed in me so much when i did hardly anything at all. and now that i have so many things to do, they seem so far away ...

it's just indescribable. i can't even begin to tell you what scgs was like. what life used to be like. i don't know why it was so good for me. maybe because God was very much in my school life. i wish there were a cf in njc. and i realize i haven't talked to my old friends for so long that i hear about their lives from other people. and once in a while i look at my book and i feel like flipping through it but right now i just can't bear to be hit with the pangs of longing.

and life does go on, but .. i don't know.

there's always something that we're holding onto. always something that's holding on to us. the past will always chase up to us and inevitably though we love someone new, we'll talk about the old and once in a while we'll think on our own - this is what we did that day, he/she said that to me once, this was from him/her. and we hold on to those things even though we're with the new and sometimes it feels like infidelity - but it just can't be helped. there's always something at the back of our minds.

first cut is the deepest?

i'm so incoherent. i want to say so many things. i'll try again later.

+ posted by M @ 12:01 PM

...	Tuesday, July 27, 2004

currently, i feel like i'm loaded with more responsibilities than i can bear.

chinese rep, which obliges me to try my best to finish the impossible chinese homework, and ne rep which got me into a little hot soup situation with SP, and as of now Drama vice ... i feel like all this is tipping the scale.

there are so many times i feel like ponning school but can't because i've got to be in school for some important thing or another. and seeing as NDC is coming up things are getting really hectic. but heck i don't even know what's going on with the NE stuff... which is why i'm in a spot of trouble. and now that i've been made to take part in the inter-house skits on CONFLICT [such an NE thing] which i'm going to try and get out of, actually ... and nj drama is in a gigantic mess which will take almost forever to clear up. and it's not just the mess. i have some ambitions for it too, but .. i think they were right to choose an IP pres, there will be more continuity and more time.

and i so don't want to support track tomorrow. and i have a huge problem with nj. what is with the lack of air-con in lectures? as if it isn't enough to make us stay in stuffy classrooms in our sack cloth uniforms, you want to deprive us of air conditioning in the LTs too? STOP BEING SO STINGY. we slaved so hard over college day and all the money raised went to THE COLLEGE FUND. so what are you using it for? more mugger tools? in other colleges where they have college fairs [-ahem-ac-ahem-] all the money goes to college funds too ... but you know what, IT SHOWS.

and then SATs and Promos are in the same month and SAT 2s are in the consecutive month and i really have to buck up for promos because i want a fairly sound transcript when i send it to the universities. thinking of something like four Cs. yeah. the scholarship grades.

and also have recently been drafted into classroom style lecture for class because i'm under the 'hopeless case' category for math according to consistently poor math results. had first classroom style math lecture today and it was so terrible. during the whole expanse of an hour, the teacher covered a grand total of ... ONE PAGE. on vectors. stuff which we learnt last year and i could still remember. i mean, i know my mathematic skills are atrocious, but today's lesson was pure insult to my intelligence. he was basically talking and talking away in his eccentric manner and because of the lack of class involvement i fell asleep. and got woken up when henry ended up leaning on me because he fell asleep too. 

i was just very tired. last night i stayed up to do the drama fruit cut outs and i spent about an hour flipping through five martha stewart Living magazines for fruits - at the end of the ordeal i was very, very hungry. i wish i could have baked something. ended up opening the canned peaches. my mom is not going to be too happy about that. they were probably reserved for her tart. or cake. or whatever.

and i hate the way i'm blogging now but my brain can't seem to function in any other way. look's like tonight is going to be another late night.

 

+ posted by M @ 5:07 PM

...	Monday, July 26, 2004

what the heart is like - miroslav holub [my newest obsession]
 
Officially the heart
is oblong, muscular,
and filled with longing.

But anyone who has painted the heart knows
that it is also

spiked like a star
and sometimes bedraggled
like a stray dog at night
and sometimes powerful
like an archangel's drum.

And sometimes cube-shaped
like a draughtsman's dream
and sometimes gaily round
like a ball in a net.

And sometimes like a thin line
and sometimes like an explosion.

And in it is
only a river,
a weir
and at most one little fish
by no means golden.

More like a grey
jealous
loach.

It certainly isn't noticeable
at first sight.

Anyone who has painted the heart knows
that first he had to
discard his spectacles,
his mirror,
throw away his fine-point pencil
and carbon paper

and for a long while
walk
outside.

+ posted by M @ 7:48 PM

...	Sunday, July 25, 2004

sigh. my feelings are incredibly mixed now. i'm so incredibly stressed and frustrated and things don't ever seem to get solved.

i realize thinking in such a way won't help but i'm just ...

lost.

 

+ posted by M @ 12:41 PM

...	Thursday, July 22, 2004

to put it simply: today's lit lesson ROCKED ROCKED ROCKED!!!

i'm sorry i can't find a more poignant or 'mature' way to describe it.

anyway. it was champagne's lesson today [heart of darkness - joseph conrad]. usually i fall asleep in all her lessons [she's a good teacher, really. its just her tone and the way we work at all the words one by one], but today i stayed awake the whole time and just thought and thought and thought. and there was such an intensity in her words that i couldn't stop thinking.

she talked about the theory of existentialism that arose from the horrors of world war two. philosophers like albert camus and sartre believed in it. this theory is such that there is no God, no purpose and meaning to life. the only thing that is clear cut is our physical existence. that is the only one thing man actually really possesses - his existence. and his existence is precious because since there is no God, after death he would just become nothing. thus death is seen to be the greatest evil and murder is the worst crime one could ever commit because in that way one is taking away the only thing his fellow human has. however, the philosophers hate the judiciary system because they are disdainful of the fact that one man should have the power to sentence another to death. and i have to agree with this - everyone is flawed - how can we judge? what gives us this divinity to grant death to someone even if we have the legal authority to? nothing. it is wrong. i think that is wrong.  

the other thing man has is reality.  he doesn't possess it, but it is REALITY. all one has to cling on to is all that is real - there isn't such a thing as intangible because remember there is no purpose here. emotions, feelings, the intangible are meaningless, purposeless and void. reality is everything in this life. and thus in this theory, lying is seen as a form of murder. this is because when one lies, one distorts reality and creates illusions which go against reality. when you lie to someone, you destroy his reality [equated to his life, basically] and you are in some way killing that person because reality is the only thing he can hold on to, the only thing he can really be sure of. in this life there are no answers to his questions, but reality is a security, a constant. something that is there.

she explained it in this way to us. let's say you actually dislike this person, but you lie to him saying you do. you have made a new false reality for him - because his perception [you like him] is contradictory to the ACTUAL reality [you hate him] and this will affect the way he reacts to you and his whole outlook on events related to you. in this way you are keeping him from reality, which i emphasize again, is seen as the only thing he can hold on to.

do you get me?

and then she talked about writing. and how writers often hint at the frustrations they have with writing. and i loved this because i could really relate to this. right now too as i write about existentialism in the hope of getting you to understand. in heart of darkness, marlow is frustrated and he keeps asking, 'do you understand? how can i get you to understand?' because he is unable to properly convey his thoughts. and he likens it to trying to tell a person about your dream. which is impossible because a dream is so absurd and so personal to you. we live as we dream - alone.

how do you describe the colour red to someone who's blind?

continuing, she talked about this movie she watched. in which creatures that were basically in the form of bright lights - just bright spots of light - sent one of their kind to earth in human form. and as the creature left earth to return to his home, he told them, 'you humans are sad. you are the saddest race ever to live because you are all alone. you are trapped in your physical bodies and unable to truly be with one another. you are sad.' we will never be able to get others to truly understand. the most we can do is use words and talk and gesture but we will never be able to get someone to feel exactly the way we do. and as i write now i have no idea how to describe it to you, but there's so much i want to say and i think. in this sense, we're really all alone, we will never truly be connected to someone else because there is no way to do so.

today's lesson was great. i'm not saying i believe in existentialism - but it's wonderful to think about these things and realize the thoughts of others.  

 

 

 

+ posted by M @ 7:19 PM

...	Wednesday, July 21, 2004

pw is madness.

went to town to get surveys filled out today. zx and ven helped me give them out cos i was just too shy and felt too bad about disrupting people's lives. anyway. intended to give out surveys at hmv cos our project was on music. but people seemed so happy browsing CDs that i just couldn't bear to disturb them. checked out CDs myself. something i haven't done in a long while. found out that Ash released a new album [orpheus] and bought the over-priced Ataris CD. their range of dashboard is pathetic. though i think there might be a better selection the next time round since dashboard is getting airplay on the perfect ten now. ended up resorting to the takashimaya library. got quite a few down. now to collate the stuff.. sigh.

i saw something that really made me smile today. adeline came down on her own, as usual, to the canteen and sat by herself on another table and shu en and shi lei [my other classmates] sitting at the table diagonally opposite called out, 'hey, sit here!' and adeline's face lit up with a bright happy smile and she quickly brought her bag to join them. there is hope in this world.

well. rest of the day wasn't all that good. due to some other incidents i don't wish to discuss here. sigh. my closer friends shall know the cause of it because it is just too.. painful. i'm such a failure. what am i doing. i know it's just paper. but it hurts.

The Hero Dies In This One - The Ataris

As I leave here today, apartment 108
I'll always keep you in my heart.
Anderson is cold tonight,
The leaves are scattered on the ground.
I miss the seasons,
And the comfort of your smile.
Sometimes this all feels like a dream.
I'm waiting for someone to just wake me up,
From this life.

As I look out at these fairgrounds,
I remember how our family split apart.
I don't think I ever told you,
But I know you always did your best.
And the hard times,
They only made us stronger.

As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you,
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can't let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.

Do you ever feel like crying?
Do you ever feel like giving up?
I raise my hands up towards the sky,
I say this prayer for you tonight,
Because nothing is impossible.

As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you,
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can't let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.

(The hardest part isn't finding what we need to be, it's being content with who you are.)

Stay who you are.
You must go on.
Stay who you are.

so that was today.

 

+ posted by M @ 8:06 PM

...	Tuesday, July 20, 2004

sigh. so it seems that we were supposed to collect our rhd cards during some meeting which i didn't go to because i was absent that day. now dm wants letter of explanation/apology/reflection. oh well. and what exactly is that rhd celebration thing at singapore expo. i know nothing about it. shucks. will have to consult other ne reps whom i don't really know very well.
 
this is all part of my BE MORE RESPONSIBLE scheme. sigh.
 
Songen said that scgs girls have the 'mothery look'- in his own words- that's why it makes perfect sense for me to go. I supposed he thinks sc girls have the 'I make good wife and mother' look screaming all over our faces. -from jen's blog
 
gosh. so funny.
 
i haven't written a poem or read something for so so long. actually i wrote something over the weekend, but i don't like it. i'm so frustrated with myself. i have lost it. i just can't express myself anymore. i .. i've lost it. i don't know. i don't know what to say anymore. why am i so inarticulate. why am i so ... it annoys me.
 
cancer of the heart
 
let me
extricate you expel you
from my heart
make the incisions
in a most careful way
trying to reduce the blood
loss
when i tear you
out
 
you ripped me off i rip
you
away before you consume
me
going from the insides
gnawing at the chambers
 
and now i think i've removed
you, like a tumour
malignant
but traces still lingering
clinging on to the walls
of my heart
 
no, it is not you that
cling
it is my insides
that tighten your grip
that refuse to let you
slip through my veins
 
you left me whole
a bite size chunk
you left me with a hole
 
to forget you
i'd have to detach my
whole heart
 
that's what you took
up.
 
it's horrible. sigh. i don't like it. sigh. release me. 
  
                     or i can break and take it with a smile
 
there are so many things i want to say. not say, actually, SCREAM. but i can't. i just can't, because you're not listening.

+ posted by M @ 5:08 PM

...	Monday, July 19, 2004

saturday was a blur. i met mandy and then i met others and then i met mandy again. clearly, highlight of the day/week/month was the SCGS DANCE CONCERT.
 
it was good after the njc dance concert i was subjected too. honestly. i just. yeah. scgs. sitting in that auditorium, listening to ms heng speak, watching the girls dance in their multi-coloured costumes the school doesn't scrimp on ... scgs provided me a better arts education than a jc.
 
scgs didn't just gave me an education - it gave me love, it made me the person i am today [the good bits], it gave me memories that keep me warm when i need them.
 
after the concert, went for supper with bron, asha and ed at newton circus. SO HAPPY. it was just so happy. i was just so happy. a million laughs a minute  and catching up on the old times and being able to just talk and not feel awkward and stilted and just talk and laugh and.. sigh. after the whole day i just went home and i cried. i don't know why. maybe because i was tired. maybe because i was just exhausted. after such a blur of a day i just felt empty.
 
i miss sc so damn much.
 
this morning on my way to school i was listening to class 95. the flying dutchman was relating to glenn and rod how a group of students had given up their table for his family at a restaurant. and he was saying how courteous they were, how kind they were, how considerate - and so rod told him, 'you must tell us the school name!' and guess what, they were SCGS GIRLS. 'well done, scgs, WELL DONE!'
 
in a sense i started off my day quite well today, because i just couldn't stop grinning in the car and telling all the other sc girls at nj about it.
 
anyway today was racial harmony day. because i am NE rep, it is my big day [after national day that is]. ha. well a certain DM caught me for my attire today.
 
dm: i don't think pink shoes make you look any nicer.
me [still in a daze]: huh?
dm: look at everyone else's shoes .. follow them
me: oh right.. okay..
dm: what is that accesory?
me: its a cross.
dm: when people see your shoes they will look up ... take off your earrings. only one pair allowed.
i faked taking off my earrings till she was out of sight.
 
gee. just that unlucky to meet her this morning. anyway. what's with the 'look around ... follow them'. dream on if you think i'm going to morph into some typical NJCian. forget it. i'm still wearing my pink ace 83s to school - they're 70 per cent white and i don't subscribe to homogenous 'individuality'. it's not that i am against the styles of my fellow schoolmates, but i'm not going to alter what i wear to fit your expectations. they like their shoes white, i like mine colourful. i apologize for my outrageous taste in clothing.
 
i also apologize for my attitude problem. sigh. need to fix this. must become model student of the year.
 
haha. yeah right.
 
today was quite eventful. i realized quite a few things. my class is very resourceful. we're slack, a tad irresponsible and disunited for the most part but when it comes to the crunch i think we're the most resourceful people around. i was basically having some sort of panic attack because my class didn't get the RHD cards [for which my ALMIGHTY CT REP blamed me for in an oh-so-subtle way]. look, that wasn't my fault. the arts classes didn't get it. sue njc. anyway. that's besides the point. my dear classmates turned up without materials for the rangoli competition despite the reminders i sent them yesterday. heck my own group didn't even know what was going on for bunga manggar [me included].
 
anyway. so the rangoli group went around plucking flowers from njc [following ms suhaili's famous advice - 'be discreet!'] and gathering pebbles from i dont know where in njc. and i tried getting melvin and silin to give me one of the house flag poles but in the end fangwei nicked a pole from i dont know where. and she got some leaves and i borrowed some sticks from other classes and great we were all set. sort of. i think our bunga manggar turned out really well considering we knew nothing about it ['look at the other groups.. look at what they're doing.. OH. so its LIKE THAT'] and our centre piece was mainly made up of some branches and leaves while people brought things like crepe paper and spray paint and whatever else.  
 
the rangoli turned out good too. gosh. we're so good at nicking things. even during the first three months when we realized class deco was due the next day we took scrap materials from other classes to make our funny envelope thingies.
 
even though our groups were set, some other class people dropped by and helped out. that was nice. though after a while i was more or less left by myself with terry in the linkway because everyone else needed to eat and someone had to be present to hang on to the bunga manggar. i sacrificed my lunch and contact time periods for that competition and at the end of it all we were just told to throw it away! it didn't even seem like proper judging had taken place. but anyway, amos wanted the tinsel back. yes. almost nothing on the structure was actually truly ours. apart from the construction paper design.
 
we're really pretty good!:) and i don't normally compliment my class, so :)))
 
conversation that took place during free period today --
 
terry: mel.. do you have a bat mobile under your house? in a basement?
shiwei: your father .. is batman..
terry: i bet you have a butler called alfred..
yif in an attempt to get my attention: hey MEL...
terry -look of sudden realisation-: OH. MEOWWW.. i knew it! you're catwoman.. your father is batman.. don't deny it..
 
how stupid can we get. haha.
 
what really made an impression on me today was when i walked back to class anxiously to get the tinsel. and adeline was sitting in the darkened classroom all by herself. and it gave me a shock and i said, 'oh hi i need the tinsel..' and she just immediately got up and helped me get it down. in fact she just took it all down by herself and gave it to me. she usually keeps to herself all the time and she eats lunch by herself and yet she was so forthcoming and helpful - i didn't even ask her to help me take it down, she just did. so i told her, 'hey, we're in the linkway.. you can come join the competition if you want.' and she did, for a while, after i left the classroom. i'm beginning to see that the girls in my class really are nice people. i manage to talk to some of them more nowadays and i think they really are people i could be friends with. things are looking up now.
 
 

+ posted by M @ 9:25 PM

...	Thursday, July 15, 2004

and so another week soon draws to a close. i didn't go to school again today. sick again. went to godma to check it out. stomach not feeling well. again. got loads of pills to take. took blood tests. scary. have two days mc. will go to school tomorrow but blue slip at two. i cant stand the five o clock days. as the week ends i grow more weary. saturday. pedicure with mandy. mean girls with mandy. meeting shawn. going for sc dance night. miss sc. miss gayle. miss all of them. want to have nice dinner thing with them. or supper thing. or whatever.

sigh. Lord give me strength.

+ posted by M @ 11:25 PM

...	Wednesday, July 14, 2004

why can't i breathe whenever i think about you
why can't i speak whenever i talk about you

i have to stop this. i have to. i can't go on like this. sigh. lovesick fool.

intertia of the heart

how does shirin come up with all these things. its brilliant.

+ posted by M @ 5:03 PM

...	Monday, July 12, 2004

today was good and bad.

it was so bad i could've crumpled this morning but thankfully i had beatrice to hold my hand and talk to me. i thank God that He has given me my scgs friends in njc who i can talk to and trust and rely on.

i wanted to blog and vent about all my frustrations, but i've decided not to. instead i'll tell you why the day was good.

during free period terence and i sat in the canteen trying to do econs mcq. i ended up smsing half the time and he ended up singing under his breath. to which i started grinning because i was just so amused. and after a while he noticed i was silently laughing and he asked, 'am i disturbing you?' and looked offended in the way he normally does when he thinks he's being laughed at. so i talked to him about his band and his singing. and he said he played drums and he quit his band. and i found out that he was a christian and he played the drums at church. gosh i never knew that. i suspected so because i saw him say grace during orientation but when i invited him to my church he'd say, 'i'm not catholic.' so i just assumed, because to me, catholics ARE christian. and then he told me he had no time to go for church anymore because of canoeing and i told him gently to try to make time for God. he started singing Josh Groban songs very seriously and i humoured him by telling him to join Singapore Idol. i like times when i get to talk to people and take a genuine interest in them and be able to say i know them as a friend, not just a classmate. he then disclosed his secret talent and gave me a live demonstration which i doubt i can ever reveal to anyone else [much less here].

then he started to sing 'hands down' and i said that was my favourite song and he said it was his too. he sang the first verse and told me to follow up, which i eventually did when he began forgetting the lyrics at the bridge. i don't like singing in front of other people, normally, unless its worship, but i think today i needed something like this. it really made everything a whole lot more bearable, knowing i could talk to someone seriously in my class.

Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep
This air is blessed, you share with me
This night is wild, so calm and dull
These hearts they race from self-control
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine
We're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours, to fill or burst
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer

The words are hushed, let's not get busted,
Just lay entwined here undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions..
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close
they can't hear, so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours, to fill or burst
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer

Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
The dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair
That you twirled in your fingers
And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
And this walk that we shared together
The streets were wet and the gate was locked
So I jumped it, and let you in
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
And you kissed me like you meant it
And I knew that you meant it
That you meant it, that you meant it
And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it.

+ posted by M @ 4:56 PM

...	Sunday, July 11, 2004

today at church they were giving out leaflets on how to be a Lasallian. i looked at it for a while and volunteering as a counselor caught my eye. it's something i've always wanted to do, be a counselor somewhere. but i don't know if i'm strong enough to do it or capable of it. i shall pray over it and ask God to help me make this decision. to be a counselor i'd have to be so responsible, so patient and so caring. i wonder if i could do that 24/7. i don't know, i pray for God's strength and wisdom.

but perhaps there is an age requirement? i better read the leaflet again.

i want to make a difference. cliche and cheesy as it sounds - i want to make a difference.

Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away
Wont you hold me now (I will not bend I will not break)
Wont you hold me now (I will not bend I will not break)

bend and not break - dashboard confessional

+ posted by M @ 6:25 PM

...

i've been reading a lot of my past entries lately.

anyway. in the past two days God has shown much grace.

firstly, on friday i felt sick so i didn't go to school. i went for church still anyway and at the end of the session i was talking to alysia about how i would most likely fail all my papers, even lit [which was basically like my ONLY HOPE of REDEMPTION AND FORGIVENESS from my PARENTS]. after which i left for home, but while in the car i received a message from yifang telling me i had gotten the highest score for lit paper 1 [dio's class. SHAKESPEARE PAPER] in my class. trust me, it is an extremely miserable score but the relief i feel is immense. i think only the njcians really know just how many Dio classes i've cut [because there's a free period before his class and pe after his class and the past term i've been having quite a lot of mcs so i find it annoying to wait when i could end school at two as compared to five] and how blank my book is and how.. basically i just took advantage of the fact that God blessed me with a special understanding of words that enables me to see more than most. it is a big relief because Dio expects something of me and i'm obligated to show him results more so than any other teachers because he's my drama teacher and he probably read my appeal letter [in which i was made to emphasize desperately that i had literary and artistic talents - because other than that i honestly have nothing else to show about myself].

anyway i have resolved to stop cutting his classes [can't promise detailed annotation though. i really don't believe in making lit notes]. the state of mind i had during the shakespeare paper really proved that i do need some sort of teacher guidance.

secondly, on saturday i had chinese listening comprehension in the morning. the past few comprehensions i've been having were really bad. i barely passed them and i couldn't even tell when the passage was over or when it had started. they all sounded the same to me : gibberish. i was praying quite hard before the paper while symphony 92.4 was still playing their classical music before the paper commences. and the minute i open my eyes the DJ announces that the next song is dedicated to the students sitting for the exam. after a while i recognize the song is actually a catholic hymn sung to the melody of canon in D. i just felt so tickled at that time because no one else seemed to realize and i turned to sam [a fellow catholic] and she just stared at me blankly. after that the chinese paper started and miraculously i understood everything more or less. after comparing answers with cheryl i found we had almost identical answers [and her chinese is quite good, i think]. God's amazing grace, once again. i mean. MEL UNDERSTANDING CHINESE COMPREHENSION? that is like one BIG miracle.

anyway. events that took place yesterday are TOP SECRET. went to ikea and had swedish meatballs [for the first time]. they were nice but overrated. after which i can't say what happened except that in the evening i rode up and down to changi airport on mrt all by myself to see nat off. it was really sad. i don't think i've ever really felt that sad about someone going away before. i wanted to cry, but i don't cry in public.. so. i miss you/love you nat.

+ posted by M @ 2:13 PM

...	Friday, July 09, 2004

am at home sick. for real.

anyway. happened to chance across A LOT of njc people [think j1 councillors] blogs. some people whom i don't know personally but who sort of know who i am and i sort of know who they are. yeah. like majorly a lot a lot of blogs because they all seem to like linking tons of people up. i'm not really into linking partly because i'm lazy and partly because i'd prefer not to be found so easily.

i always feel sneaky when i read such people's blogs because they probably don't expect that i've read them at all. some don't really interest me though. they're just the typical listings of what they have to get done, what they've done for the day and are without any real thoughts. and then there are some which make you look at the person in a whole different light and you feel guilty for knowing so much when you shouldn't, yet you start to feel connected to them when you see them in school. i've found quite a few of those. it makes me like the person a whole lot more, though unfortunately/fortunately[?] in this case they're people who know me by face only. anyway, any dormant readers here - please feel free to leave a tag. i'd rather know who's reading than believe that only those who tag read [which is obviously not possible]. and i won't totally censor things just because i know you read. as it is, this blog is already rather censored - it's not the one i keep under lock and key.

quite a few people have noted that i'm too serious. well, maybe they're right. this is a problem i've faced for a few years running now, ever since i went through a major change in mindset after sec two life. why did i change? i don't know. there are a lot of times in my life when i suddenly sit up and think, 'this is really meaningless' and things that used to be fun for me just stop being fun. things that used to be important to me stop being important. [i've done this quite a few times this year, too] maturing? or becoming too serious? i don't know. i find that i'm on a different wavelength with a lot of people i meet and this has resulted in a great dissatisfaction with people.

which i know is very bad. i think i'm far too critical sometimes, and i shouldn't be.

sure, i have my times when i talk about things that are fluffy and mindless and completely irrelevant to me i feel - but that's not really me. i only resort to that because i am unable to relate with most people should i talk about things really pertaining of interest to me. i haven't yet found many people [at least there are some] who can really understand this side of me and not be annoyed with my serious nature. they prefer not to deal with that side of me because it is too mentally exhausting and difficult for them. and as a result, i think most of the friendships i have aren't very deep.

sometimes i wonder if the whole person i am is really just a pretense.

+ posted by M @ 2:58 PM

...	Tuesday, July 06, 2004

if i have Jesus, i have everything
without God, i am nothing

first day of the new term! fresh start! SAT cramtime! time to learn how to do math properly! time to start studying things properly - just time to start working, basically.

am pleased with self. am doing lots of CIP. helping in council invest and hosting hk exchange students. great. resume. looks good. yes.

i really wonder sometimes, would all of this ever amount to anything? what is the most important thing in life? is it love? is it honour? is it respect? is it Doing The Right Thing?

so i'm expected to Do the Right Thing. what is the right thing anyway? why do i do things? why do we want to do things? why do we have to Do the Right Thing? because it makes us feel good? because it is the Right Thing to Do?

God i don't know.

i need a reason for every single thing i do. and i want the reason to be love, to be God, to be LOVE.

we do the right thing because it will make our parents. and why does it make our parents happy? have we ever questioned this happiness? but because it will make them happy, we do it. and because doing the right thing is for the good of all - we do it. WHY is it for the good of all? WHAT is good? is graduating from a topgrade university GOOD?

my friend once told me that if i didn't do all the small things [passing ct, promos, a level etc] i would never be able to get to the bigger things in life. but what are the bigger things in life? work? university? a 9-5 job with a steel rice bowl?

what am i living for?

i want to know. and i suppose no one ever really knows for sure - that's why we keep on living. it's the discovery, the risk, the hope and the dreams that keep us living. the hope for better days which keeps us living. and living. and living. and not just physical life, but LIVING! living in every aspect!

there's a reason, and i'm looking for it.

+ posted by M @ 4:20 PM

...	Monday, July 05, 2004

i am a control freak. i have no tolerance for superficiality. in that aspect, you can say i'm a perfectionist. i always want things to be deeper than they are, and when they aren't i get upset because i don't like it that things are 'what you see is what you get'. every single thing that occurs, whether it be a truly mindless article of gossip - i have to get to the deeper meaning of it. there has to be something more.

i'm always looking for something more. i cannot accept that things are as superficial as they seem. i cannot. yes. i am a control freak when it comes to these things. yes, i want people around me to think about things. i want them to see things in different perspectives and to understand thoughts and ideas and the meaning of things. and when they don't, i try to make them. i try to make them understand because i love them. i think i've said that before. i make people read books because i love them. because i read something and i see something so beautiful in it and i wish that person would know to and i want the people i love so desperately to experience the meaning i experience...

i need to change some part of you, some part in the way you think, some part in the way you life - i want to be someone that changes someone, that gets a reaction, that makes you sit up and THINK. that's what i've been doing all my life. and that's why i write. and that's why i blog. and that's why i want the world to read what i write but at the same time i don't because i'm scared and i've never had the courage to publish or read my poetry at readings [carol knows].

i believe that we're powerful. i believe we underestimate ourselves all the time. you probably think this is ridiculous, but i love comic books [had some entry about comic book documentaries quite a while back]. and i watched spiderman the other day, and i just thought about the deeper meaning to it and, 'with great power comes great responsibility' and it is all symbolic. those superhuman powers he possesses are simply an illustration of the power we have in ourselves - the power to touch, to help, to save. we have in us the ability to save lives, to change lives, to mould them. every word, every action, no matter how insignificant we view it as - may break someone, may heal someone. and because we have such a gift, this uniquely human gift of love, we have a moral responsibility to recognize that and to use it 'for the good of mankind'.

yes. we are responsible. me and you and everyone, we are all responsible for each other. even if you're a stranger to me, i have a responsibility to help you, to save you, to heal you - simply because i can. because we have this gift, we HAVE a responsibility to others.

you're so powerful. remember that. the next time you do something, remember that you are responsible because of that power.

that's what i believe.

it is not possible to isolate yourself. no man is an island. i don't believe in isolation - like i said, you have been given this gift. you have a responsibility. no matter how hard you try, you are never going to be able to cut yourself off from the world - it's in the blood, it's in the nature. isolation, building walls, keeping yourself locked in - sure, it keeps the hurt out for a while. but you're living in your own prison. you've caged yourself with your mind. and like in the machine stops - while you may live comfortably in your own little cell, with no hurt, no pain - there is no love. no real joy. no happiness. you are not happy simply due to the lack of sadness. it does not work that way. happiness is not the lack of sadness. they are entirely different emotions, they do not affect one another, they are seperate entities and beautiful in their own right. yes, beautiful because you feel them and that is truth and the truth no matter how much it hurts is always beautiful in its own right. always. because there is a sanctity and purity to it that nothing can remove.

life is beautiful not because it is perfect and there is no hurt and everyone is happy and shiny. life is beautiful because you make it beautiful. understand this.

+ posted by M @ 12:05 AM

...	Saturday, July 03, 2004

it has occurred to me that over this year i have developed a major attitude problem. yes, i'm mel the mc queen. so what? pon school. so what? fail ct. so what?

haha. ok i'm just insane. of course i realize the severity of it. i will definitely improve my attendance in school this term. i will definitely improve my grades this term. i will definitely improve every aspect of my life this term.

i'm really being serious about that. it has really hit home that if i want to get out of the njc hellhole, i have to get my life on track so the university will take me and i can quit school in, like, december THIS YEAR.

yes. 1500 on the SATs. yes. determined. yes. will do it. yes yes yes.

but today, syf lasts till 8 under the sun from two onwards. no way man. esp not in my dastardly njc uniform made of grey cornstarch. i mean, if it were a whole level thing. i'd go. but it's just an unlucky-my-class-got-picked thing. so, let's try to get an mc. after all i have been feeling sick ever since math paper ended. and if no mc, no problem. just get scolded by whole of pe department who organizes these senseless things or discipline head or whatever. they're just people. we're all just human. no big deal. seriously, YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME. or hit me with a textbook or something. really is of no consequence to me, currently.

yes. i have an attitude problem which i am currently trying my best to rectify. bea and i have realized we've turned very cold towards things. very cold.

sigh. responsibility sure is something i have to learn.

this entry has been disjointed. just like my thoughts.

+ posted by M @ 1:19 PM

...	Thursday, July 01, 2004

you know, Conrad sure is right. throughout his whole book it's just doom, doom, doom. sure as heck am i doomed for lit. never have i thought so badly of a lit paper after doing it.

especially the shakespeare paper. oh my God, MEL WHAT ARE YOU DOING? what am i doing!? whattt ammmmm iiiiii doinggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

it started off nicely enough, with a nice prac crit. was eternally grateful as expected some highly abstract poem like Landscape as Werewolf which has references to nature and seriously now i rather detest nature literature. wordsworth, ruskin - no thank you. anyway. poem we got was An Instance by Alistair Reid. it was good because i loved the ideas he had and i related to the poem. wrote with passion, which is ever so important. and if i was in a better mood i would gush about how words have the power to grant immortality but seeing as am now in state of distress you are spared my usual musings about the beauty of literature and words.

shakespeare paper. God. my reputation is ruined. dio is going to read it and think i have no brain and my english is extremely terribly bad/poor/bad/poor/bad.

my brain is just some mush sloshing around in my head. seriously don't know what am going to do for history paper. i am immune to the wrist torture [three hours of writing isn't that bad. really.] but my brain is not spared. oh, merciful heaven, help me to memorize something of meritable worth for my history exam tomorrow.

+ posted by M @ 5:37 PM