She said, "I've gotta be honest.
You're wasting time if you're fishing round here."
And I said, "You must be mistaken,
'Cause I'm not fooling.
This feeling is real."
And she said, she said, "You've gotta be crazy.
What do you take me for, some kind of easy mark?

You got wits, you got looks, you got passion,
But I swear that you've got me all wrong, all wrong,
But you've got me.

I'll be true
I'll be useful
I'll be cavalier
I'll be yours, my dear
And I'll belong to you if you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go
So don't complicate it by
hesitating
This is wonderful as loving goes
This is tailor made
What's the sense of waiting?

I said, "I've gotta be honest.
I've been waiting for you all my life.
For so long I thought I wasn't gonna settle down,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
The feel of you here makes me sane.
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my sight."
You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight
Tonight, tonight
You've got me

I'll be true
I'll be useful
I'll be cavalier
I'll be yours, my dear
And I'll belong to you if you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go,
So dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor made
What's the sense of waiting?

As Lovers Go - Dashboard Confessional

+ posted by M @ 11:24 AM

...	Tuesday, December 30, 2003

oh, and one more thing. evanescence is very good. very very good. amy lee has marvellous voice.

+ posted by M @ 2:10 PM

...

i'm baking pie for potluck tonight, as inspired by dawn.

yes, me, the person who can't even tear clingwrap properly.

the dough is going through it's chillout phase now, and guess what - i consulted a martha stewart book. God. that woman is devastatingly annoying. baking ought to be easier than what she makes it out to be - of course she makes it seem very easy, but how easy can things be when they consist of 'architectural chocolate designs'. come on, woman, how many kinds of apple pie are there anyway?! ten apparently, in your world. i finally found something that actually looked realistic apart from the anglaise and orange sauce. i'm just not doing the sauce. so.

chocolate pie. i should have done a cake. i wanted something christmassy - which should be mincepie, but i'm really too lazy and too domestically disabled to try that out.

+ posted by M @ 2:06 PM

...

weird dream saga continues.

i visited sji on top of a hill. who knows why. met someone there, someone i know by face but don't actually know, and we walked around talking about how it would be so difficult going to school everyday up the hill.

suddenly i was next to the phone in bed. and it was ringing, and someone picked it up [i can't remember who, but it was someone i knew] and asked me to answer it because it was for ME, but i didn't want to because i was scared. and the whole time this person stood [or sat?] next to my bed, holding up the phone and telling me what the person on the other end was saying, it was one of those people who advertize or sell things over the phone, except this time, they were 'advertizing' God and trying to recruit people to work for God. it went something like this - 'for every person you bring to Christ, there will be comission and reward.' and then in the dream i was trying to make sense of it all, and i really woke up, still trying to make sense of it all.

funny thing is, jason called from hk this morning while i was sleeping.

well, what i can make of it is that i'm scared to answer God's call, but someone is going to help me answer it and give me the courage i need to, and that for every person i draw to Christ there will be rewards, but not in the monetary sense. hmm. i hope this doesn't mean i'm supposed to become a nun. honestly.

+ posted by M @ 11:36 AM

...

snow falling on cedars is extremely painful - i felt emotionally drained after watching it. beautiful, painful, but also boring. ethan hawke does it very well; he lends a touch of vulnerability so easily to the film.

i had a strange dream this morning. after i came back from njc i went back to sleep. and in my dream, i was not myself, but a caucasian man. i met a lady at church and the lady talked to me about her interpretation of Christianity such that it was slanted towards Muslim beliefs [don't ask me how i know, it just was so]. i disagreed with her, and then as my persona, i went home to sleep. then suddenly, a loud voice boomed [angrily, in my opinion], 'people may interpret the word whichever way they like, but it is your job to draw people to Christ.' and then i was myself again, lying in bed, paralyzed and unable to move. i don't know if i was dreaming any longer because it was just too real, so real. i wanted to wake up, to open my eyes, but i couldn't. and after a while, the voice continued, telling me i was loved and would never be abandoned. and again, i was paralyzed. finally, after struggling to move, my whole body suffering from pins and needles all the while, i opened my eyes and all was back to normal.

i am still shaken by that and i really don't wish to sleep. is God angry with me? i don't know, i'm rather frightened, to tell the truth.

+ posted by M @ 1:27 AM

...	Monday, December 29, 2003

almost died waking up early to get to nj and do some annoying affirmation stuff; just like i almost died getting up for mass yesterday. oh, fr vaz was there yesterday. i like him. i seem to like all the priests a lot though i don't know them. anyhow.

the appeal people don't seem too bad - apart from the guys who are the typical tinted hair bengs who probably listen to things like tension/energy/stef sun [?] and the girls look like they listen to 5566 and are f4 groupies.

wait, mel, check yourself, don't judge or you will be judged. yes, new years resolution no. one was not to be so anti-social. new years resolution two should complement it, hence, do not be judgemental slob.

cha postponed the 'intimate party' to tomorrow evening. quite looking forward to it - more than the parties i've been to lately. class party, bartley CG party, vc party.

pizza is here. tonight is tv night. happy happy. must find a way to watch mona lisa smile before the holidays end.

+ posted by M @ 7:31 PM

...	Sunday, December 28, 2003

alone amidst the laughter i know is not mine.

sometimes you need people to shake you out of that sorry state you're in. that mode where you're blurred between insignificance and indifference. the mode i often switch to consciously but unwillingly during ED or horribly unfamiliar places.

i was talking to carol about it and she said, 'anyway mel this might be irrelevant, but just thought i'd say that that day at the party when we went into your room to get clothes, i looked about your room (do you mind terribly? sorry for being so intrusive) and i just got the impression that you're a very loved person.'

well, it wasn't irrelevant at all. she's right. i am loved. i am not as alone as i believe. often i feel under-appreciated [i'm ALWAYS the one planning things, people don't seem to care. especially when i planned the surprise cakes for cel, nat and seet and for my birthday they basically did nothing. i acknowledge that the gang made it REALLY special, but..]superficial as this may seem, the things strewn across my bed - yes, that BIG mess - they're all cards i refuse to clear, all presents i've opened and just left, all gifts i like admiring. special things that mean more than the glitter they produce. the hapen stand in the corner of my room - from the gang. the book on my bed that contains my poetry and things i like - from the gang. the autograph book which has a mere three messages in it perhaps, because i got lazy - messages that mean a lot and go beyond the simple 'keep in touch's and 'you've been great's. the photo album - compiled specially for me by my mom. the beautifully painted tile from dawn. the shoebox santa from don. even the paperback game we played at ED today. books - written for me by the likes of greene and hemingway [yes, that makes me feel loved and understood]. cards received from unexpected people. even cards are enough - the effort taken by one person to pick out just the right card, and send it by airmail. the crosses, the plaques, the hugs, the simple emails and words.

maybe that's what i'm afraid of. going away from this love, feeling this love split and divide and collectivize in schools many mrt stops away from mine. but one, one can never lose love, because God is love, and i will never lose God, even if He may ever lose me and my faith.

i am loved beyond my ability to comprehend.

+ posted by M @ 11:26 PM

...

new year's resolution no. one [URGENT, hopefully to be fulfilled on NY itself, or at least in the days following NY. even better, how about NYE?] :
stop being so impossibly and hopelessly anti-social.

thing to be done NOW: mail overdue christmas/ny card to jason or else old scars will grow stronger and self will be engulfed in guilt. also get him present and find post box.

on a lighter note - thanks dawn, for being such great company, everywhere, everytime.

+ posted by M @ 10:48 PM

...	Friday, December 26, 2003

i'm going jc. ohmyGod i'm going jc. what am i gonna do, i don't wanna go jc.

+ posted by M @ 10:26 PM

...

boxing day

some guy came up to us, asking if we'd heard about embassy and whether we wanted to 'dine there for free'. he then proceeded to offer us membership which was a 'crazy deal'. after we told him we were sixteen, he dismissed it and said that we looked mature enough. then he went on to tell us that if we got the membership, they wouldn't check our I/Cs and that we should make full use of the free-flow on ladies night. anyway. how can these people just come up and encourage us minors to drink and take advantage of the free-flow nights? that's probably why people start clubbing at fifteen years old and getting into horrible situations. such degradation of the society begins with the youth - or maybe i'm just looking too much into it. but anyhow, it was such a good deal i ended up sharing membership with seet, because hey, one day i might like to eat at a posh place for good prices. guilty, guilty.

it's been this way with some people and i. i saw jk out today, back from the US. either he sees me and isn't sure if it's me, or i see him and am not sure if it's him. today both of us saw each other but weren't sure if we were the other. somehow it happens with time - people slowly drift back to the time when you were just a face, just a name, and nothing more. it's happened to me many times. friendships have faded and even died and were somehow never resurrected. its an awful feeling, seeing someone in the crowd you used to know so well, yet treating them as just that face in the nameless crowd you do not know because times have changed and people pretend to forget. not saying hello or a word of love because you're not secured of a reply; and then the pain comes, right in the middle of the busy underpass - a silent pain within the heart. and you think you've died, but you haven't, because you keep on walking and the shrill voice of the blind musician tells you that you haven't.

i was walking to the goodwood today to meet my family and it was pouring like a reservoir had burst in the sky. cold, and wet i trudged on the gravel towards the hotel - suddenly the rain seemed to disappear - an unknown saviour had come from behind with an umbrella and he kindly followed me towards the hotel, wordlessly. a brief thanks, and a 'see you', he was gone.

God is watching over me, indeed.

+ posted by M @ 9:48 PM

...

the day that i have waited so long for, that i have romanticized in my mind - is over.

i'd have to say things didn't go like i'd like it to - snow, 'chestnuts roasting over an open fire', carollers and making my own cranberry sauce. i suppose we've all been given this romantic image of christmas but i just completely lap it up even though Singapore will never snow, and i don't even like eating chestnuts. and there was no ice-skating either because we ended up baking cookies, which is i guess, quite a christmassy thing to do [?].

there i go again, forgetting the real meaning of christmas and sugar coating it with commercialism that has been injected in us since we were kids. but i didn't get that warm fuzzy feeling either. everyone was more or less grumpy and hence so was i. the great thing about christmas this year though, was spending some of the day at bea's baptism. and hey, this year is great because we're really celebrating a lot of christmas even after it's 'over'. or at least i will be.

i really like midnight mass. there's something about attending the church late at night with the crowds - the darker it is, the brighter the lights are. fr yim, the hong kong gangster i do not know, is leaving for st igs according to my brother. but seeing as my brother spends his time in church idling or day-dreaming i don't see how i can believe that. he will be missed. this year's mass was special because it sort of signified a new beginning for me, in many ways.

alright, i'm done romanticizing.

i'd have to say the best 'material' gift i received this year was just a simple card, from a friend far away. it really made my day, more or less. of course the next best thing was Gabriel Garcia Marquez's memoir. you know, it's kind of amazing, how all the gifts are saved up till christmas day and then opened, whereas for birthdays, it's ok to open them early. the underlying meaning of letting all this joy and anticipation accumulate into one day of the year - and then watching it end. it sure feels anti-climax. especially when it ended while i was watching under the tuscan sun with my parents - which is, in my opinion, a very poor sort of movie.

but i'm going to do something different this year; i'm going to let the happiness and festive joy last as long as it can, which, frankly, should be forever because the birth of Christ is not something that should only be celebrated on one day.

+ posted by M @ 12:44 PM

...	Thursday, December 25, 2003

unwittingly, and miles away, in different time zones, you've made my day.

merry christmas.

+ posted by M @ 9:45 PM

...	Tuesday, December 23, 2003

we regret to inform you that your application for the scholarship was unsuccessful.

mm ok. God has a plan of some sort. nj arts here i come. let's see what i can do for them because i'm sick of people always wanting to get something 'useful' out of something.

i'm not feeling very comfortable right now; for a great number of reasons. it's almost christmas and i'm somehow at a low point in life.

chin up, you can do this.

+ posted by M @ 11:56 PM

...	Monday, December 22, 2003

i am upset because it is not everyday that one gets to eat foie gras pate; but today when i finally got to i had to eat it on wholemeal toast thanks to my organic mother.

i am also upset that i do not live in america or some place more liable to be victim to MTV Jammed, MTV punk'd or TRL. there goes my chances of watching international rockbands perform a surprise concert at my school, meeting ashton kutcher or even getting to watch a live countdown with many stars on a tower above a busy street.

actually, i'm just trying to be lame and funny. anyway.

i feel like i have literally lapsed into decay.

i am practically, rotting at home in front of the tv, or slowly disintegrating in the hot air that envelopes orchard road. i only realized how inactive my brain became till last night when i was talking to an old friend of mine. lately all i've been doing online is talking about what we're going to do the next day or maybe having some random conversation or some small talk or well, something which allows me to drift.

'if the plane carrying your o level papers crashed, how would you feel and what would you do?'

i must confess, i'm guilty. my first reaction was like everyone elses - 'i'll just cry my eyes out/i'll die/ i'll rejoice' - until i thought about it more and realized, why are we so concerned about these scripts, these mere bunches of paper when there have been casualties? is that all we can think about, ourselves and that grade, that grade we MUST get? people never stopped to think that while we can resit the exam, the lives lost will never be gotten back. someone will lose a mother, a father, a son, a husband, a brother, a sister, a wife, a daughter - and we worried about our scripts, which are, for your information, already dead. all we cared about were our certs, our papers because maybe, if we didn't get them - we would 'die' here in singapore, we would be cert-less, and here, paper means everything.

anyway, maybe i was the only one seething there - i honestly don't know why i think of these things. for a while i wish i could just not think about them and maybe inwardly, i would be a happier person. there's somehow so much anger and indignance rife in me whenever people do these things.

from one of my past entries. i decided to republish it, just for you.

you know, ultimately it isn't important. the amount of a1s on your cert, or how hard you worked for that exam paper.

it isn't important that the plane carrying your o level papers may crash - even though you cried over them, even though you bound the papers so firmly, even though you spent nights praying the examiner would have perfect eyesight and a cheerful disposition, even though you felt like you bled ink from your pens ... even though. someone is going to really bleed for that, and people are going to cry for their lives, not the life of numbers you have made for yourself, but a whole life laid on hopes, dreams and love.

it's one thing to want to do the best in all you do - it's another thing to lose sight of life and all that is really important.

what is really important, you ask. don't ask me that, ask yourself. and i believe that if you shut it all out, shut out all the red marks, shut out the screaming pace and societal demands - you will know.

+ posted by M @ 10:05 PM

...

kahshin just called to ask if i'd like to go to her bartley CG party on sunday. 0_0

i get the sense that i'm now one of their projects, this extra person they want to bring to their church. i don't know if i should go because if i do and end up getting to know all of them better i will feel all the more obligated to stay on. especially since it's not all of the youth, its just her CG. why's she inviting me when i've only met them once -_- according to her its a get-to-know-you session. frankly i don't really think i'm up to it because i feel anti-social, and apparently there is a VC party that day but i don't know the details about that [and i don't even know if i'm actually involved considering i don't even know the person whose house it's being held at].

yilin asked charm and i to go with her to the china black party tonight but both of us are not free. charm wants to go cb sometime next week but i don't think i am into those things. things are getting complicated, people are changing.

anyway. ice skating on wednesday. i haven't gone for so long. i'm quite looking forward to it. for a brief hour or so i get to feel like i'm living in a wintry place - sort of. i watched love actually again today with kai. it still gives me the warm fuzzies though i can't help but think everything is so commercialized now. i can't wait for lotr on saturday. yeah, why the heck am i waiting so long ... it'll be nice to watch a movie/musical with the whole gang finally though. unless of course everyone cancels out and then we'll be back to square one.

nj hasn't called me yet. and they're probably calling me tomorrow, given the time it is now. i'd just like them to do it fast so i can have some sort of confirmation. i need to start psyching myself for whichever jc i'm headed.

i liked fr yim's homily yesterday, though i'll never look at him the same way - i begin to imagine him in shades, a long black leather coat and practically coated in bling bling. hong kong gangster fr yim who listens to sappy pop music like 'i hope you dance'. my brothers tend to think that msgr lau's only redeeming quality is that of his love for WWE.

i don't know what i'm saying, i'm beginning to ramble.

+ posted by M @ 6:55 PM

...	Saturday, December 20, 2003

i had to travel all the way to bedok today. like eleven mrt stops away or something, from newton. omg, it was hell. i had no idea it was so far away, and my jaw dropped when i realized i had to change trains. i have never travelled so far on my own before. especially when train changing is required; i almost thought i'd get lost. forgive me for sounding ignorant and stupid but i am not a very bus or mrt sort of person, i realize. i waste all my money on taxis. when i finally met dawn at the bedok bus interchange the place seemed so alien. we walked around and around looking for the uniform shop and finally got them done with LOWER BELTLINES. i wanted to eat fresh prata but there was no time. i understand that i sound deprived, but it's seldom i'm up and awake so early [that is, out by eleven plus] to get to eat prata in the morning. maybe i'll drop by adam rd market one of these days for breakfast if i can convince someone to follow me.

ANYWAY, COOL. I TRAVELLED FROM NEWTON TO BEDOK AND THEN FROM BEDOK TO ORCHARD ALL ON MY OWN WITHOUT GETTING LOST AND KNOWING HOW TO SWITCH TRAINS.

went to sarah's church for her christmas outreach thingy. had altar call. for a moment, i was sitting there feeling weird and like how i used to feel before i became a Christian.

i'd ask myself, 'am i supposed to answer it?' 'should i just sit in my seat?' and most of the time i'd thought about not wanting to let down others who had brought me instead of whether i really believed. but anyway, i've been to three altar calls so far and not answered any. i think that's why baptism was so significant for me - it took quite some courage and surety for me to actually go up and say i'd want to get baptised, and then join a church group on my own where i didn't know anyone at all.

the altar call made me think and realize - i really am a baptized catholic now. somehow, it hasn't sunk in. i know i've been baptized, but it just hasn't sunk in. i realize now i have to adhere more strictly to the no meat on fridays thing and then i get to take communion and i have to go for confession - and basically do all those things catholics do. sounds fun, but weird. i haven't gotten used to it yet.

sarah asked if i was going to join TM4:12 permanently. i told her i'd consider going down on saturdays just to participate in discussions and lessons [bcos it wld also be a gd way to keep in touch with the rest of the sc girls. but ok, that's not the point. ]; but i'd be joining my own yf, so i may not have time. am not going next saturday because hopefully i can finally meet up with the rest of the gang, watch lotr, and then hopefully i can get tickets for the holy cross musical. and then hopefully we can go to max brenner's for supper[!!!!!].

nj arts sucks. am sad. dont want to get in. its only drawpoint is the v close distance to home. i realize while looking at the MRT map today that dover is pretty damn far. well, i consider it to be far.

anyhow. i haven't replied jasmine's letter yet. i hope these remaining few days of the holiday go well. christmas is almost here.

+ posted by M @ 9:12 PM

...

i'm awake and feeling sick. in about twenty minutes time i need to leave for bedok to do uniforms.

don't want to do uniforms. don't want to go to sarah's church. want to lie in bed all day and sleep.

+ posted by M @ 10:14 AM

...

FRIDAY.
i hate calling cabs to my house. singaporean cabbies are so indiscreet they start asking and even insisting that i live in a government house until five minutes have passed and they realize i refuse to indulge in their gossip. today the cabbie asked if it was lee kuan yew's house. and then he asked if i was a government official -_-

i feel incredibly tired, but in a good way. today i could finally spend my day njc-less and appeal-less.

went out with sherm, jeremy and angie. yuki and yaki was interesting. and kind of a rip off. things have since changed - i think the last time the four of us met up was last year. or something. anyway. it feels a bit odd now that jeremy and angela are together because there are constant displays of public affection and - i'm trying to get used to seeing them hold hands and walk around with their heads together. meanwhile sherm and i sometimes have the urge to run away [at least i did] and end up walking so far front. i think everyone's changed. sherm has become like the soul of cat high band, in my opinion. EAGLES AWARD HUH.

oh, i met charm and all her sisters today. i think it's really cool how all five sisters go out together, along with the little one. it reminds me slightly of the virgin suicides - but just the sister bit, not the gory and eccentric bits.

moving on, after we split up, i decided to go shopping on my own. the good thing about shopping on my own is that no one is there to nag me about prices [unless of course i go with cel and then its just perfect]. i realize there are too many things i want to buy. i also realize that when you wear a suit jacket, people at posh places think you are working and tend to treat you nicely - except when they find out you have no credit cards.

ED elections were cancelled, so i took it as a sign from God [my grand'rents told me yesterday that st igs was having mass today] - 'Go for penitential mass, Mel, GO'. since i didn't make it to the wednesday mass at holy cross because i slept and mom didn't wake me because she was mad, i called mel to ask if i could meet her at st ignatius. so i ended up meeting mel and her family at st ig's. wow that church is different. i've only been to two catholic churches, holy cross and blessed sacrement - but they both have the same feel. st ig's somehow doesn't feel catholic. do i sound funny? maybe. anyhow, turned out all three of the holy cross priests came to st ig's to help out for confession so i stood in queue and ended up getting fr yim. none of the priests ever seem to recognize me. father ig was still calling me Michelle the night before baptism.

when it FINALLY came to be my turn, this was how it went:

fr yim: good evening.
me: good evening
fr yim does the trinity thing and i do likewise.
me: forgive me father, for i have sinned... actually, this is the first time i'm having confession.
fr yim with widened eyes: first time? were you baptized recently?
me: yes, at holy cross actually. i was one of the youth baptised last sunday.
fr yim: sorry?
me: youth baptism on sunday.
fr yim: oh it never occured to me that you were a youth.
me: err.
i had no idea how to go about doing this.
fr yim: perhaps you would just like to tell me something that you would like to get off your chest? not necessarily any sins.
so i began and told him about the posting stuff. he gave me some penance but i decided to do it at home because i didn't want to make mel's family wait.

so there was my first confession. it was nice, to tell someone about it; an outsider who could see it from a totally fresh view. i was really glad i got fr yim actually; because for some reason i wanted to have a chance to at least talk to him a little bit before he left holy cross. i like him a lot. i don't know any of the priests personally because i never talk to them but i like fr yim's sermons a lot and the way he seems so serious all the time when he's conducting mass. of course they all are serious, but there is something about fr yim that feels so steady and so deep and quietly sincere.

going to st ig's made me realize that i really like holy cross a lot and a lot and a lot. it's like the best church ever. i'm biased i know and it's also because of emotional attachment and the familiarity; but i just like it so much. even though st ig's is so close to home, i still like going to HC.

i came home and then i met all my parent's friends because they were celebrating someone's wedding anniversary. i ended up talking to this lady i didn't know because her and my mom were talking about the education system. about how parents want their kids to get into certain schools, and she was agreeing that sometimes it was the students in top schools that made them more appealing, not just the academics. and then i had to speak up. while you can't deny that academically the students in top schools are stronger, and hence more motivated and confident, this doesn't necessarily mean that morally they are more stable. on the flipside, they can be overly competitive, selfish, arrogant and anti-social. and then she said that it would therefore be important to find a school which embodies both moral and academic values and i told her scgs was that school.

i think after that she was a bit wary of me.

tm 4:12 tomorrow and uniforms to be done - that is, if dawn gets my message and isn't too zonked out after phuket.

+ posted by M @ 12:21 AM

...	Friday, December 19, 2003

i don't know where to start.

went for the Colours of Life dance performance at the esplanade by the SDT. mom's idea of getting us to be 'more cultured' and 'less lethargic'. felt completely out of place because it was filled with expats [the tea sipping, 'but of course, my dear' kind] and non-expats who hoped to be like them. there i was with my four brothers who wished they were in macdonalds and my grandparents who chaperoned us.

anyway. i was very amused during the whole thing - okay half of it - because grammy, the seven year old, sat sullenly in the seat next to me and - and well, isn't it funny to see a seven year old try to understand this dance? he should be at a hi-5 concert. during the intermission, my brothers came out half-dead saying, 'i can't take it anymore...' and really, who could expect them to, so we went off with grandparents for supper. i think we were the only crowd complaining loudly and in a very unsophisticated manner about 'dance crap', to quote my bro.

actually, i kind of liked it. i'm not a dance person, but i spent some of the time in the dark thinking as the figures crept across the stage. you know, dance seems to mainly be an expression of the clear distinction between femininity and masculinity. not that the dancers themselves are representative of that; but the choreography plays that up a lot. the men are always carrying and lifting the women. it is as though they are saying while sweeping her onto their shoulders that, 'she is mine, i'm carrying her home on my back like a bag that belongs to me.' and they play up a lot on the romance - holding the waist, twirling them around, catching them as they fall, the bodies close together. perhaps dance seems to be a celebration of male-female romantic love. i mean, you never do see women carrying and lifting other women up in such a way or men doing so do you? perhaps one day there will be gay or lesbian themed ballet - or maybe there already are but i haven't seen them. not that i am interested, but it just clicked today that dance was mainly about heterosexual attraction. or so it seemed to me.

it's quite a beautiful thing, the human body. twirling, and spinning under total control - fluid movements like the stroke of paint on a canvas.

+ posted by M @ 12:12 AM

...	Thursday, December 18, 2003

seriously, on to more important things. i've decided i am at peace and will leave it in God's hands.

everyone's doing christmas wishlists. should i do one. yar ok i'll do one, purely material.

1. Free All Angels EP by Ash.
2. To Live To Tell The Tale by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
3. Looking For Alibrandi VCD
4. All of Graham Greene's bios. i know this is unfair. there are three of them.
5. City of Rain by Alvin Pang
6. Goodbye Chunky Rice by Craig Thompson
7. Saving Francesca by Melina Marchetta
8. Complete Edition of Shakespeare's Sonnets.
9. Colin Firth, the person.
10. 1000 bucks for shopping at A|X [ha.ha.ha]

actually i only feel the need to own 2 and 8 [and 9!], because i'd be quite happy with people lending me the rest. i realize i haven't done what i really wanted these holidays. i still haven't signed up for oils and charcoal at NAFA and i haven't been reading all the books i'm supposed to complete. countless of them, COUNTLESS. includes stuff by em forster, winterson, susan orlean, greene, conrad - um anyway. i haven't been discussing books much lately, with jen because i realize all i've been talking about are either my problems or the posting problems. i really must prioritize.

i think i've somewhat outgrown Coelho. there's something about his writing that seems to leave a false aftertaste instead of the usual enlightenment it brought - or maybe it's just his latest offer eleven minutes; and i'm still thinking about it being such a disappointment despite having read it months ago during prelims.

as for my own personal writing? i haven't written a piece in.. months. or something. unless you count what i said about the tokyo subway.

graham greene is absolutely amazing. i bought End of The Affair and The Last Word And Other Stories. his short stories are breath-taking. i'm itching to describe them to you but i don't want to spoil it for any of you who are thinking of reading his books. read them, please. just read them if you know what's good for you. there's just this thing about certain writers. even though you know them in no way imaginable, you feel you have established a connection with their very soul after you have read and loved their writing. and because of that, you want the whole world to see it even if that means typing it out or writing it out by hand. writers should hire me as their publicist.

+ posted by M @ 6:20 PM

...

i decided to delete that post. anyway. let's not talk about nj for once. i've been to that school three times in two days and it seems like i will have to join ELDDS if my appeal is successful. i mean i don't mind the debate bit, but FORMING a CLUB to discuss books - that is sad sack. i mean CAP is fun as something extra, but writing club? omg. though the school newspaper sounds very appealing..

anyhow. i hope my nj appeal fails. i know i sound horrible, but i just hope it fails so i can go to acjc and prove that it isn't that bad. or something. i think i'm just sick of lying and forcing myself to be enthusiastic about this. the VP asked me if my parents were forcing me to go to NJC. well, what did i say? i say i WANTED to go to NJC. ha. i lied, and i know my mom was sitting there hoping i'd lie, probably praying to God that i'd lie while i paused to think of a plausible lie. you see how ugly that is. i hate it.

i know there must be something here that spells God's plan, but something which involves me lying? i suppose i shouldn't have been such a wuss. i should have just told the truth - but then what about respecting your parents wishes? honouring your parents? ha. ha.

this is a fallacy.

so i said that the entry wouldn't be about postings again because i don't want my life to be all about 'what school i'm going to' 'what subjects are you taking' 'what scholarship are you applying for' but sadly that's all it seems to be right now. and you think i have a choice; but i don't, not at all.

+ posted by M @ 4:22 PM

...	Wednesday, December 17, 2003

oh God i am so damn sick and tired.

you know, it's not that i WANT so badly to go to NJ, that i'm DYING to get in. in fact i think NJ should be damn grateful to have me because top lit students, people who are truly passionate about art - don't apply to nj arts which sucks even more than ac arts. so you hear that? you should be BEGGING ME, dammit. maybe i'll inject more life into your arts scene. maybe i'll open up the arts students eyes a little. people who apply to nj arts are usually those hoping to transfer to science after three months.

i mean, seriously, we are arts people. we don't care about academic prestige - so far out of all the schools nj gave me the most heck care feel about the arts stream. it was like, 'oh, by MOE regulation we have to have an arts stream, so there. you guys just join and then rot and die. just don't bring down our 100% university grads record or else.' and why the heck did i apply? parents. parents. parents.

i am so sick of them telling me what to do. what is wrong with ACJC? you know if you love NJC so much why don't you just go do all the bloody appealing for me because i really am to tired to bother about appealing. i'm content with the posting i got. and i wanted to go to VJ, did i not? i mean, i told you that. but nooooo. it's too far, it's not well-known enough. and now that i've gotten in ac you think its the worst place on earth. so now, how about appealing to vj, you ask? yeah, based on what? i put vj as my third choice and ac as my second and i got in - they're going to think i'm NUTS. you go there and lie about how i wasn't serious about my options because i'm not going to do it. and i'm not going to lie about how much i want to get into nj arts either because all along i only wanted to get in for you, not for myself.

+ posted by M @ 3:49 PM

...	Tuesday, December 16, 2003

i'm supposed to by typing up an e-mail reply to a letter i just received but for now all i can think about seems to be postings tomorrow.

i think i should try snail mail. or sms. or even phone calls. yes i should stop being such a coward.

+ posted by M @ 11:56 PM

...

i swear i am psychotic.

i must be the most neurotic, paranoid person around - justified or not.

+ posted by M @ 5:44 PM

...

i'm at home while my brothers are looking at bugs in the science centre. couldn't meet kai and ying cos something popped up with kai. it's funny how when you want something to happen; and when it finally might happen - you wished you never thought of it that way. anyhow, we decided to meet up when the whole gang was available.

i have to stop staying home. actually there are so many people i'm supposed to meet up with but for these few days i actually feel like lounging around in front of the TV. i seemed to have been fully booked for the week but in actual fact maybe not because the mini PR movie marathon seems to be dissipating - i'm not keen on having it tomorrow in case i have to spend the day appealing at NJ or even AC. am supposed to meet up with aa, je and sherm on friday but we'll see how that goes. somehow i get the idea that this week is meant to be stay home week after i've been out almost everyday last week. i'm still edgy about going to TM4:12 again on saturday.

actually - where have the holidays gone? i haven't even met up with the whole gang yet. the whole time it's only been me, kai, yilin and charm because ying's mom is crazy and jas is forever grounded [i am not inclined to believe that, at all.] and jen has been in tokyo since like forever. and it feels like we may never meet up because everyone has sort of drifted - i've become closer to kai and jen. yings is like grounded. jas is probably grounding herself, yilin has always been somewhat detached and charm is hanging around a lot with edna nowadays.

actually, it frustrates me because sometimes i seem to be the only one who cares about sticking together.

as for jas; i am somewhat annoyed. no, somewhat is an understatement. first she says she's grounded all the time. i know her dad is a bit of a nutjob but who grounds their kids after o levels for nothing at all? i mean, her brother goes out all the time and he's the guy that doesn't get straight As - i know it. and then suddenly she sends this 'weepy' and pathetic-sounding sms to all of us saying that she isn't avoiding us, or being selfish, she just wants to spend more time with her family these holidays. which is rather impossible on weekdays considering both her parents work in the day and have used up whatever leave they were granted on their overseas trip. if you don't want to come out, just say so, you don't have to lie about it. and if she really did want to make her family happier - maybe she should try eating so it doesn't hurt to look at her. it hurts everytime i look at her, i can only imagine how much pain her mother must feel.

or maybe i should be more understanding because that's what friends are supposed to do. but at this stage i really can't help it. let's just see if she can avoid us all her life. i'm so very sick and tired of this situation. i realize i sound judgmental and unreasonable but i can't be miss diplomat all the time - i never was.

friends are supposed to trust each other, that i know. but i also know another thing, friends don't lie to each other so deliberately and so elaborately. friends don't disappoint each other, over and over again. what are friends supposed to do, actually? i can't quite figure that out.

+ posted by M @ 3:58 PM

...	Monday, December 15, 2003

i have this horrible yet comical newsweek inspired image of Tony Blair and George Bush singing 'I've Got You Under My Skin' by Frank Sinatra while clinking champagne glasses and dancing around his spacious white house office.

who have they got exactly - saddam, or the world? answer seems to be undetermined.

i mean, dare we trust the very same people that claimed there were WMD only to find none and then shelve the issue? how on earth did they get Saddam's DNA anyway can someone answer that for me. how are they so sure the DNA they tested it against is his and not one of the copies? i don't get it. i think i need to read the papers and stop watching BBC because i seem to be getting nothing useful from it. wait - did i just say that? am i listening to myself? ah i long for the few days i spent in Tokyo where their newspapers boldly read, News Without Fear or .. or Something, i can't remember what.

my brother speculates that they performed plastic surgery on one of the Republicans 0_0 i think that's a bit rich;but Bush is a rather dodgy figure.

anyhow i shouldn't spend my time thinking about these politicians and the mindless scams they come up with.

+ posted by M @ 11:19 PM

...

i just slept from 2 to 5.30. i'm in a relatively bad mood you could say. i've been blog voyeuring and it amazes me how people can write so many things in their blog, for example:

todae, i went to pastamania with ling, junie, chrissy, jie jing ... ate lotsa stuff. i ate meatballs and garlic bread and then they ordered clam soup, pizza, creamy pasta, salty pasta, sweet pasta, pretty pasta.. it was superrrrrrr goood.. yum yum.. then went to cine to meet jamie and dan and watched love actuallie.. its damn funny and sweettt.. yup yupx.. well im reallll tired now so seeya laterrrr..

that was a very bad example because i wrote it and i am unable to do it properly. i know to each his own but it really amazes me how one can bother to and remember to list down every kind of food she/he has consumed and then even talk about tiny details and trail off. wait, and even find those important. i don't look to trap everything in the memory net - i just take down different thoughts. maybe i should become more diligent when blogging and talk about the different coloured jelly beans i bought - let's see, brown, pink, green, blue, yellow... i can't remember which one i ate first but they were all so yummmmmmyyyy.

yeah, right. okay, you may have figured out that i'm feeling particularly moody now. people who write in the above manner probably think i'm weird for writing about conversations that don't even take place between me and the nj principal. so, let's just attribute this outburst to deadly hormonal moodswings.

jason's mom called me from hong kong today. i find that rather amazing; she hasn't spoken to anyone in my family since i was probably eight. which makes that eight years.

jm: hello. is vyvyen there?
me: no she isn't in right now..
jm: this is mary. oh, is this melissa?
me: yes [thinking she was one of the banker's wives]
jm: i am jason's mother.
me: who?
jm: jason ko.
me: ... [silently: oh my God] oh right, hello!
jm: oh i didn't recognize your voice, you've grown up! -starts muttering something in cantonese-
me: yes..

conversation about wanting to meet up in hk because jase is going up to hk to visit her on the 26th and did i go to hawaii [possibly because jason told her] ensues. there you have it, i accuse people of taking down all that they eat but here i am taking down a conversation with someone i haven't talked to for eight years.

i took down her numbers because my parents lost them long ago when she moved out of singapore and proceeded to isolate herself because her husband's family would have nothing to do with them. i get the feeling she would never come to singapore - that would be a miracle. but all the same it is incredible she would call. perhaps she is hoping to get reacquainted with the friends unwillingly lost in singapore. it is always a beautiful thing, getting back together with old friends. i know my parents will be happy about it but it will be such a tricky situation.

jase was pretty uncomfortable when i told him. both of us aren't doing great right now, but it'll work out somehow.

+ posted by M @ 6:51 PM

...

you know one of those days, when you feel like all everyone is whispering about is you; that everyone is thinking about you [and not in a good way]; that people know all the thoughts that run through your head?

i've been having three of those days, and it's still on-going.

postings have been nagging me. kai called me just to ask if we were going to watch love actually again tomorrow [i think it's the kind of show you watch over and over just because it's christmas] and then she kept thinking postings were out tomorrow. and she said if they were, wouldn't i want to meet up later because what if i had to go to NJ to appeal. i had no idea i still had a chance to appeal - and even if i did appeal, what would i appeal on?

me: hello i'd like to appeal to your school.
principal: yes, based on what?
me: um. i was a guide last year. i got my silver badge.
p: sorry, we don't accept appeals based on uniform groups.
me: please take me in.
p: why?
me: because i don't want to disappoint my parents and practically the whole world.
p: anything else you'd like to add?
me: um. i'm a really nice person, actually. i topped lit last year, and during the mid years in sec three, and my class in sec two.. er, teachers think i'm an alright person, er... please take me in.

disastrous. truly. i'd thought until now that if i got posted to AC i'd just accept it, because hey, better than not getting both my first and second choices! i wonder if i should bother appealing.

i think i should go into slight hibernation so i can stop being so paranoid and stop thinking about things beyond my control right now.

+ posted by M @ 1:23 PM

...

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

don't ask me how this is relevant. then again, do we need any excuse to quote Frost? indeed i love this man.

i've been catholic for a day, sort of.

i know it sounds bad and horribly shallow compared to everyone else gushing about the family of God but for now the one thing that excites me the most is communion. i get to go up and take that crispy white thing from the priest. God knows why it excites me but since young [and i didn't even go to church regularly then. only once a year] i've always wanted to do it.

i suppose i must say something as such events call for things to be said, but all words have left me. all i can say was that mass and dinner were great and that i felt happy. plain and simple : happy. no need for fancy words of candyfloss fun and life-changing experiences [indeed this is one, though], i am, to put it simply, very happy.

my brothers also find it incredibly amusing that my birthday falls one day after the sept 11 attacks and my baptism was a day before saddam was allegedly caught.

anyhow. people often asked me, 'why do you have to get baptised? isn't it just some sort of superficial gimmick? isn't it enough to just accept God in your heart?' and i used to wonder why too. there was a part of me which knew i had to get baptised, but i also wondered why. and i have come up with my own personal theory. i realize that it is not really the baptism itself and the pouring of water that means you have truly accepted Christ - it is the journey made towards it. how does one demonstrate love? through faith, sacrifice and countless other things. i sacrificed my time to go for RCIY and i had faith in what they were teaching so i continued. that's putting it extremely simply. in essence, the fact that we have made this journey towards baptism shows our love and willingness to become a child of God - it reaffirms our faith and strengthens us. for how does one know that a wall will stand strong without pushing it first? because, like it or not, the simple pouring of holy water means a lot to us. we make a big deal out of it [and we should], and it is hard, in itself to actually be courageous enough to say, 'yes, i want to go up there and be baptized' and this is already excluding RCIY, because it is always so hard to say things and be 100% sure that you mean it; whether at that time or after. it is proof to yourself of the small steps you are willing to take towards God. so i think that baptism isn't proof for others, but it is proof to yourself and to God. again you ask why, but it is human nature, we constantly need reassurance, don't we? we are not perfect, we still have our doubts.

and by choosing to embark on the journey of baptism and making it to baptism, i acknowledge that i really do believe in God and all his teachings because i will never forget the things He placed along the winding paths that helped me to make my final choice.

+ posted by M @ 1:04 AM

...	Thursday, December 11, 2003

it suddenly hit me today. all my four years of secondary school are culminated into this one moment that will take place: wednesday 17 dec, 10 am.

yes, posting results. where will i go? njc or acjc? or worse - neither? all the MOE, ahem, people have to do is click a few times and my fate for the first three months [and possibly two years and maybe my life? oh God] is sealed. the cold glance of my name from behind their bifocals and the detached shifting and 'click', that's it. it strikes me how much things have changed. i've always been set on HC but my grades told me otherwise so i shifted sight to AC and finally i decided to aim higher and try nj. but frankly, i am so doubtful. NJC doesn't take in 11-pointers [net!]. who am i kidding? MOE doesn't accept 11-pointers for the humans scholarship; so what if everyone else thinks i should get it. what am i thinking? what am i thinking? the only possible option is prayer, and i guess i shall leave it all in God's hands. after all He must a plan for me in whatever JC i end up going to and whichever course i take. i guess i think i need the humans prog because i'll just die if i'm forced to listen to lit lectures - lit lectures? are you trying to kill me? how dare you turn lit into something that can be taught straight up to the masses without personal discussion and exchangement thoughts? but He knows better, i suppose. i'm just having a hard time trusting now.

maybe i'm not being truthful when i say it 'hit me' as above, because i think it hasn't. i'm not an scgs girl anymore. i'm not. and i think i haven't said it to myself enough because i haven't been crying at all - i think no one has. no one has realized - that's it, the four years [in my case, ten] are over. some people think i'm nuts, 'do you want to be in an all-girls school all your life?' of course not, but i'm going to miss SCGS because it is the best school ever [why the heck didn't they publish our letter - with names like shirin's, zhi ying's, dawn's and mine -sheepish- it would've made an impact. okay, maybe only on the scgs population]. i'm not even going to bother with school rivalry because we're above that [ok, so we do have our RGS bashing sessions once in a while]. actually scgs and rgs are more closely linked than anyone would ever imagine. if i didn't get sent to scgs, i suppose i'd want to go to rgs. omg. no, what am i turning into?

we all say that the truth will hit us once we get to JC - but i think not. i'll still be wearing the sky-blue uniform, i'll still be slightly delusional about it. why do i have to grow up? why do i have to leave? it feels like i will love no other school more or even as much as i love sc - it feels wrong to.

yes, there's something about sc life that feels like it's slowly been disintegrating. it started with the moving of the canteen to the next door and the reconstruction of the primary school.

there was something i liked so much about sc: we stuck to our guns, because of The Heng. people think she's old-fashioned and a stickler for tradition, but you know what, i admire her a heck of a lot. her saying that she would not indulge in the GEP just because we qualified because she didn't believe in it- and that she was willing to let go of SCGS girls who left for GEP or RGSS because that proved their hearts weren't truly with scgs. i liked that, a lot. it says something about her, it says she has pride. i also like how we're the one of the top schools so far that have not fallen prey to that 'hey i heard she/he payed a lot to get in' trap. in rgs people do it all the time. i know of certain cases in sji. with acs, well i don't think i need to elaborate [lookit the campus, duh]. yes ri does it. maybe not tchs though. we, we don't do it because The Heng doesn't believe in it. i know of so many cases where she turned down girls who offered money. she even turned down the person who sponsored The Khoo Auditorium when the new school was built. you may think its harsh, but i think she did the right thing. and i really like that. i don't think i've actually made it known how much i admire her as a principal [the irony is that she's an rgs girl]. she's well-spoken, principled and has school pride. it doesn't matter if as a result we don't have facilities other schools have because of the cash they get [we have a 200m track. it can be embarrassing] because no one can ever take away that sense of school pride that is so alive here. and we never had funfairs or those things where they required students to sell sell sell tickets [can someone hear me whisper a-c-s?] which had things emblazoned on them which read something like, 'ten percent to bone marrow cancer fund, ninety percent to ACJC fund'. we didn't come up with gimicky school bears or ways to raise funds.

but now that has changed. i suppose The Heng has realized we are severely lacking in funds and have to keep up with the times - but i wish reality hadn't caught up. i don't like it; not one bit. call me idealistic but i long for the days when all we needed was our scgs pride.

and there are more things i like about sc, oh countless. some range from nonsensical to thoughtful. i like how we're so centred on Lit. perhaps this doesn't help those who hate the subject, but i love it. i loved the UK trip. it was, safe to say, the best experience in my life. nothing i can say can ever do it enough credit. it was the best gift the school could ever give me. we keep lit a compulsory subject. i know that perhaps in some schools i would have been pushed aside for not excelling in math or science, but here, i'm given opportunities in the humanities. the literature symposium, the literature seminar, all of it. and ms sie, as scatter brained as she is, well, i can just see that love she has for lit. and in the end i guess that's all that matters; because really, although she has annoyed me and exasperated me with her absent-mindedness, i really do like her. yes.

and uncle's mee-pok, how could i forget? his homemade chillisauce and that metal pan he used to collect money with. he refused to wear gloves because it was 'his style'. he was a celebrity; former scgs girls [incl jennie chua, raffles hotel gm] would gush about him and his chilli. people would talk about how he smoked and yet cooked still, how he handled the loose change but continued to handle the noodles, how sometimes they found unidentified lumps in their noodles, how they almost ate the hair entwined in the kway teow - but this never deterred us from buying from him. i might go so far to say that uncle is almost the essence of scgs [and he's male!]. why do i say so? it's rather abstract really, and i don't feel a need to explain it. neither can i forget the rest of the canteen aunties and uncles. the ice cream mars bars and ritz biscuits. the kind rice ladies who often gave us an extra fishcake and the malay stall that cooked chili fries on the sly. the often neglected wanton stall and of course, the drink stall with its served hot and fresh milo and coffee

and of course, the hormonal part of school life. i can't forget our neighbours - the 'josephians' as they like to call themselves. mention sji to an scgs girl and the most likely answer you will get is an 'ew' or something similar. for some reason, we loved hating them and thinking they loved us. a small notion of girlish pride i suppose. the only person i can think of who likes them would be jas. but of course they were completely forgotten when acs barker moved next door temporarily. girls would hang around behind the stores trying to be inconspicuous and stare at the barker boys playing basketball shirtless [i'm not kidding]. but they were but momentary neighbours. sji, has been around - all along it seems. the blinding white when you take the bus home on a sunny day, the snide comments we made to each other and of course the fact that mr ang was from sji [TEEHEEHEE]. i've never seen his school photo, but apparently he showed his sec one form class who exclaimed that acs was better. perhaps we sound egoistic, but we acknowledge that the general statement is - sji boys are crazy about scgs girls, but scgs girls run to acs boys. maybe that was an enthusiasm we took for granted and even rejected. somehow i think we've gotten stuck to each other, whether we like it or not. for campfires, peer leading functions, ncc programmes - they've always been around whilst other schools would come and go [acs/ri scouts were continually having spats with the guides and tchs often stood us up at the campfires]. but sji? no question, they'd be invited, and they'd come. there were never petty arguments with sji unlike acs. i appreciated it this year, usually i'd get annoyed by their antics and indulge in 'i hate being a guide' conversations; but this year, being the last, i was grateful for their support. and admittedly, for a while in sec one and two, the group i hung around did consist of 'josephians'. we don't talk to this day; in fact i only really keep in touch with one of them and even that is infrequent. and you know, sji ain't really that bad. i'm slowly getting over my in-built scgs bias.

in a girls school, naturally, there will be talk of girl-girl relationships. they were discussed with bright eyes and sometimes shock but after a while gotten used to. gossip definitely reigned - everything was a big deal; even though we often tried to conceal that with fake age and false experience. in a way we were all cooperating with one another to conceal things - it was as though the whole school were in cahoots; from the sec ones to sec fours. there would be a big flurry whenever year books were brought. perhaps they were owned by older brothers, but you always garnered the most admiration if you said proudly, 'i swapped with my kor.' it would be passed around the class, there would be giggles, and a spotting of, 'hey, i know so-and-so! from my tuition!' or 'that's him! that's the one i'm seeing!'.

there was a crazy side to us. we weren't the kim-geks people expected us to be - the teachers knew that. sitting with legs wide open and all the ten-year scgs girls growing accustomed to shorts underneath the uniforms. i still haven't kicked that habit and probably never will. chasing people around the class with uncapped markers and gazing out of the balcony in a wistful way. having break by the coi pond and trying to spot the big golden fish named 'Ms Heng'. running the 2.4 around the 200m track and almost dying from giddiness. standing up to do the SCGS cheer [which made us sound like bad michael jackson impersonators, in my opinion] after major events. eating breakfast in the canteen in the mornings and making a lot of noise. complaining about how the netballers and basketballers performance suffered because they had to alternate their trainings - only one court. skipping around pillars to avoid certain teachers [usually ATan]. the food fight on teachers day with ice cream down our shirts and chocolate icing on our faces. running around and screaming. the primary school games i played, the teddy bear skipping ropes and zero-point champions. sports day and the milo trucks. having palms read on teacher's day. collaborating as a class every talentime. watching movies on the OHP. every friday's assembly and the constant reminders to 'sit up, girls, sit up'. a whole lot of talk about the length of our socks and us turning into tribal chiefs with excessive ear piercing. my friend piercing her nose and trying to cover it up with an ear stick. dyeing our hair red and purple and trying to fake naturale. my friends chorusing, 'that's her natural hair colour!' when i got pin-pointed. the tearing up of booking slips in annoyance. asking jo if we could see our tampax at school camp when we heard she used it. chalene's recess prayer sessions. eating/sleeping/smsing in class and trying not to get caught. charm and kai exchanging grins with jas whenever they saw me fall asleep [many a time]. watching shirin and dawn have an active conversation during physics class at the back of my eye. me sending saving mint sweets to charm in her time of fatigue [and utter boredom]. discussing the complications of the teacher's professional relationships and what we thought their lives were like. talking about what they wore and exclaiming, 'she's damn rich! did you see? dkny top to toe/big diamond ring/pearl necklace/gold rolex?' whenever the topic turned to ms ma's or ms chiam's dressing. all the deep, no-holds-barred talks we had when we sat in our version of a circle and were alone in school.

i'll miss it all, and i haven't even covered it all here yet. it is simply not possible to compress sc life into one entry. the term second home is amazingly apt when used to describe SC.

+ posted by M @ 7:13 PM

...	Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Dead Poet's Society is an amazing movie - within the first few minutes i could feel it - this movie was written from the very depths of my soul.

all that i ever dreamed of communicating to the world; the very blood that surges through my veins - it is all there, acted out on screen. it is as though robin williams is reading the script of my life and the very ideals that make me.

especially, especially when john keating told them to rip pages out of their 'literature textbooks'. he asked them to read, 'understanding poetry' and a phd critic had written about plotting graphs to determine the greatness of a poem. to ask certain questions so as to evaluate the poems value.

and then, he asked them to tear it out, tear it all out.

that was the most exhilirating movie scene i have ever watched in my life. ever. how many times have i said this - poetry is not about graphs, formulae or grades! poetry is life, passion, love - it is everything. it is not something you can simply rob of its value by plotting graphs of importance and finding the product of its 'components'. and i hate it, i hate it when people go through their lives seeing literature as but a subject to score in, as something passing, something of little importance because after all they're going to get their doctor's degrees and forget all about shakespeare. but this, this very movie made that statement i've always been dying and wanting to make to the world. and someday, i will make it again in my own way, because we forget too easily.

poetry is beautiful, because it is love. the love of words, the love of making a difference in other's lives when they read it, whatever that difference may be, the love of writing, the love of reading, the love of love.

that is why i love literature, and that is why i love that movie - because it speaks for me, and perhaps for countless others who love writing like i do.

perhaps you think i am momentarily inspired as all these movies are - inspiring 'teacher' stories - but i am inspired because this is a movie about passion, a movie about having passion for writing above all things. not feminism like mona lisa smile will be or graduating well like dangerous minds - this is about the very beauty and soul of writing. the things it does to people and how it is, not what we make it into.

if you love lit, watch this movie. and if you don't, maybe this movie will help you understand why i love it so.

+ posted by M @ 7:51 PM

...	Tuesday, December 09, 2003

you always accuse me of not wanting to know, not wanting to understand because there are just too many things - but i want to know, you just don't want to tell me.

what is it with you? do you think that on your own no one else cares about you and that all we care about is ourselves? go on believing that way if you like, but i just wish you'd stop being so delusional. open your eyes, i don't know what it is about you that enjoys thinking you are alone and dejected when you're not. there are so many people who have cared for you, and we are those people. we have never given up no matter how many times you have rejected us. sure, we have toyed with the idea, maybe talked about it among ourselves, but we've never been serious about giving up, and you know why? because we're still hoping, because we still love you.

do you know how much you frustrate us? do you know how much you hurt us with your lies and withdrawal? i'm sure you understand that we are angry and frustrated; but have we ever given up on you? NEVER.
WE'RE HERE. you just choose not to see us.

i'm really upset. i surprised myself by going all misty-eyed last night but who knows - there's only so much i can take before my emotions start to show through. it's not that i am emotionless- i tend to be unable to show it. not that i don't want to, but i'm not good at doing so. there are times i wish i could cry and cry because sometimes it feels so good to just cry, but i can't do it.

going out everyday, trying to fill up the void, just doesn't work. retail therapy is fun sometimes but ultimately temporary. i met up with nat, cel and seet today. we basically bummed around orchard road and helped mandy out with her church games. cue holding signs at the wisma atria underpass which read, 'talk to me!' and 'i'm pretty, talk to me!' some were friendly, some were downright cold. and doing cheers at far east plaza but i skipped out on that one.

there is something very comforting about being with seet. we're different as day and night [that's why shopping with her can be crazy] and we really don't talk or share the interest in the same things, but there is a great affinity we have. it's this knowing that she's one of those friends i can call anytime and tell anything to and know she will always be there and try her best to understand even if she doesn't. it's also knowing that deep down she's sensible and considerate. i suppose she's the closest i have gotten to having a best friend that lasts.

we're all just too busy to careabout anyone but ourselves, and i don't want to be one of those people

+ posted by M @ 8:16 PM

...

am online at this weird hour to burn a CD for cel so i can pass it to her later. something in the past few days made it click - i can't just write off my old friends like that. sure we all don't understand each other all that well, but at least we've stuck together through thick and thin for four years. well, somewhat anyway. i know that deep down they care. or so i hope.

i burnt her a copy of my [very own] compiled worship cd and the good thing is that this made me listen to it again after days of evanescence in my stereo. yeah, kind of miss my worship songs. its a gift which she never expected. i realize none of us properly congratulated her on accepting Christ - probably because we were all apprehensive about BRMC. and hard as it is, i suppose we shouldn't just judge the church like that.

thinking about it clearly, cel has to be one of the strongest people i know. her father was taken away in a split second and came as a total shock to her family, and through it all, she has still done well in her prelims [at the wake she was doing her homework], become the ncc encik, remained relatively sane [instead of developing disorders under pressure], remained open and positive and just been brave all the way. She has accepted God's plan which is so hard to do given the circumstances - and i feel like people don't give her enough credit. they call her a bimbo and don't like her because they think she is superficial and only about socialising and shopping; but it's not true. there is depth to her and there is so much courage she possesses.

i'm learning something everyday - things i ought to have known but was too blind to see.

+ posted by M @ 11:54 AM

...	Monday, December 08, 2003

say it, you just don't care.

i wish the voice in me that warned me against giving up hadn't turned into a whisper when i need it most - now.

you just don't care anymore about anyone but your sorry self and your stupid eating habits [wait, eating habits? that's a misnomer considering you don't even EAT].

it hurts, it hurts like hell.

+ posted by M @ 10:15 PM

...

i hope my ear is not infected. please.

i really like how the local writers are all linked up on the net through their blogs. it makes surfing easier. for instance, thanks to alfian sa'at, now have alvin pang's blog to look at, and his works are beautiful. this is the circle i want to break into. not the social hierachy but rather, the writer's circle, where everyone comes together, shares their work and discusses publishers together.

oh gosh i sound sad.

anyway, am planning to try out for CAP along with shirin and dawn next year but i really have no idea if i'll make it in. i'm not all that good, really. i don't like meeting ex-scprimary girls. those that i didn't really know in the first place make me feel awkward and this also forces me to realize that rgs had made them so different [yuck]. and as for those i sort of knew, well, i saw chuin today. actually, i didn't really recognize her [well she looks the same but i was just staring into space] till she said hi, krystal smiled too, and turns out she was with lianne and lianne just kept her back to me the whole time. so much for acting all pally the other time she came back to school.

i hate it when people are that fake.

oh yes i deleted my friendster account because after a while i just felt too disgusted with the whole contraption to continue. people add people they barely know just to bulk up the number of 'friends' they have. and then people who obviously hate other people normally and backstab them all the time end up leaving absolutely glowing testimonials just for the sake of it. how low can you sink? if you really like the person all that much, tell them, there's no need for such insincere forms of communication. i'm ashamed to say i got duped by it in the first place.

i need to do some serious reflecting and thinking on my own before next week's baptism. i have to curb my going out and relaxing to make time for this, seriously. usually there are some testimonies aren't there but i haven't heard of any rehearsals [involving the catechumens] yet or any asking of us to write up a little bit so maybe that isn't the case for holy cross. i've been asked to bring something that is vaguely symbolic of myself to offer up to Christ this friday, and i can't decide between a few things actually. i was thinking about saving my poetry into a diskette and bringing that, but i don't think it is really ME. those aren't all the poems i'll be writing in my life - my writing will go on, so no, that's not it.

thinking more about bartley, i realize that i have to be realistic about it. next year once jc life starts, there's no way i'll be able to handle both ED and TM4:12. besides i think i've gotten attached to ED in this funny way, considering the fact that really i dont know the people all that well - and though yf is about the youth, it is mainly about God, so i suppose it doesn't matter. i'll still be remaining loyal to ED, its the yf i've grown with spiritually and had camp with this year so if i really have no time, bartley is a no-go. and while i don't believe in denominations, the fact that ED is catholic draws me to it. maybe i'm unwilling to step out of my comfort zone or something, but i'm not ready to go to TM4:12 and be examined and harrassed.

i had this idea of joining TM4:12 to make them understand and educate them about catholicism, but, uh, 0_0 [the face explains it]. maybe after i've learnt more and am more sure of myself.

because i can see debater ian just.. er, launching all these biblical facts at me. and since my biblical knowledge is, pretty pretty poor right now i'll wilt and die and their impression of cats will be worsened.

i'm just feeling pretty upset now. be patient, don't lose hope. argh. wake up wake up stop being so selfish. yes, you.

+ posted by M @ 9:12 PM

...	Sunday, December 07, 2003

i went for bartley church fellowship today, just for the heck of it.

and you know what, i really liked it.

i felt a bit weird at first because i was sort of out of place - as i always seem to be at churches - but then i saw ivan teo, someone i greatly admire, and still do, leading worship.

it also helped that my fellow classmates [chalene! gayle!] were all with me - they were the ones who wanted me to come.

we had a short praise session followed by testimonies and then the youth pastor Dave gave a sermon. then we broke away into CGs and went for discussions. naturally i was with all the SC girls, which felt good and on the whole, i just felt so comfortable there.

there was slight discomfort because i knew that some of the ACS people possibly knew who i was, but that didn't really affect me much. i was so impressed by their vast bible knowledge even though they were the same age as me - it was amazing that ian, some guy, could answer my questions so fully with biblical knowledge.

i mean, i still wasn't very satisfied, but woweeeee.

ivan came to talk to me and passed me a package from nat [baptism gift] - i was kinda sad that she stopped going. i said i would talk to her online to tell her how i found her church [she first brought me to bartley last year but i never went back since] but i ended up coming back cos of cha, well, only now.

charm of course, fell asleep during the sermon and didn't understand a thing but i really don't think she should feel so troubled by it - i should feel more troubled, i'm the one getting baptized next week and that was only her first time at a church. as a catholic though, i felt like some sort of specimen, they seemed to have this certain idea about us that we are anti-christian, worship mary like God and are basically, well, wrong.

that is so not true.

i'm aware that i sound rather pathetic, but that's all i can really say. it's not true. and i tried explaining a bit about how our creed says, 'we believe in one God' and that when we do hail marys we are not elevating mary to God-like status, but i'm just not very good at those things. i could tell it was a sensitive topic.

anyhow after the whole youth meeting ended charm and yilin left [yilin's not coming to my baptism. she'll be in bali:( so she passed my invite to chia ying] for home and went on the bus without waiting for me and said they would wait at toa payoh MRT!

i didn't know if i should have gone home with them or joined chalene and co for dinner and in the end i decided not to be so anti-social so i told charm not to wait. turns out four other churchies i didnt know came along too, and it was nice. the only time so far i've been out for so called 'fellowship' with church mates was at jace's church last year [which, again, i only went for once] - i've never gone with my own church youth. not because i don't like them or anything, but because i suppose i haven't gotten to that level of comfort yet.

maybe when i'm around people i know better i tend to speak more because it gives me the confidence to talk to others that i don't really know then. i don't know. i know that some people get the impression that i'm cold, detached and maybe stuck-up. but i'm not, i'm just shy.

yeah maybe a lot of people who don't know me don't really like me. sad.

after we had dinner at j8 food court we left some of the guys and i went off with my classmates and one of the churchies, joanne from rgs. we took a neoprint 0_0 which was, well, nice. haven't really taken a big groupy one in ages. and.. anyway, yeah it was just NICE, hanging out with sarah, cha, gayle, chia ying and joanne whom i barely knew but was very nice.

then we decided to buy tickets for the 9.40 Elf showing and hung around waiting for the rest of the bartley youth leaders so sarah and joanne could join them for their screening of 9.30 matrix and we could go off.

ELF IS A REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD GOOD GOOOOOOOD MOVIEEEEEE. its so christmassy it puts me in the mood, when the movie ended i still had a smile on my face. and it's so very very funny. i really loved it, such a heart-warming show - how buddy would say 'i love you' without any fear or any self-consciousness. i loved that.

i keep saying that everything is nice.

i haven't really felt that much warmth, friendliness and pure concern for such a long time.

i'm considering going for youth service at bartley again but it would be really hectic, going for both ED on fridays [which i intend to continue with next year] and then bartley on saturdays. maybe some people think i'm weird, a catholic going to a christian church, and they'll try to make me convert. but i don't believe in denominations at all. i like the catholic church because of its mass and certain values it has - i feel the mass really captures everything so perfectly and that's why i want to be baptised catholic. but that doesn't mean i won't go to methodist or presbytarian churches - as i said, denominations mean nothing to me. is that wrong?

oh dear, i don't know.

+ posted by M @ 1:40 AM

...	Saturday, December 06, 2003

plato

Man...is a tame or civilized animal; never the less, he requires proper instruction and a fortunate nature, and then of all animals he becomes the most divine and most civilized; but if he be insufficiently or ill- educated he is the most savage of earthly creatures.

Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow

Ignorance, the root and the stem of every evil

If women are expected to do the same work as men, we must teach them the same things.

You are so young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as judge of the highest matters.

The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our ways - I to die, and you to live. Which is better God only knows.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

+ posted by M @ 10:41 AM

...

goodness i feel so lonely without my family here.

when i was lying in bed just a few minutes ago [trying to fall asleep again, but failing], a thought occurred to me - human beings are powerful. we're more powerful than we think.

with a few words, we can alter the lives of someone dramatically. we have the ability to make or to break someone - people say that's the job of love; and love is indeed powerful, but so are we, because we are able to love.

its in us, that power to change lives; we just don't tap on it very often because sometimes we're too oblivious, too cold and too selfish. therein lies our weakness - we have this energy yet we don't use it for certain aggravating reasons.

ultimately, money will run out, beauty will fade, fame will diminish and academic grades will mean nothing. at the end of the day it is how much you have given that will live on. nobody cares what school graham greene went to or what he got on his math tests - alright maybe they are curious, but they won't malign him just because he failed his math exams - he lives on through his words which have made so many people think and reflect upon themselves.

literature can go both ways. it can make you cynical, bitter and pessimistic, or it can make you realize things, open your eyes, strengthen your moral grounding and have you wish to change things.

perhaps that is why we keep these paintings of van gogh and michelangelo so carefully, we make people pay in order to see them, we make money out of shakespeare's plays - because that is the biggest market of all; people who are doing some soul-searching and want so badly to feel something, anything. thankfully they don't charge any fare for church mass - wait, there is shameless commercialism present in portugal and lourdes.

sometimes i think to myself, 'i want that, i want that power to inspire people with my words and actions.' so today i spent some time thinking back on what i've done so far that could have possibly made a difference. there were a few letters written to people i barely knew, and i know two of them still keep my letters in their wallet - i didn't realize the significance of that till now.

it sounds awfully hard and cliche, but this is what i want aspire to do and have always aspired but forgotten along the way. i want to make people's lives a little easier, better, more meaningful and i have always wanted to do it through my writing because sometimes i get the feeling that's what God intended - but then, you never know.

+ posted by M @ 10:32 AM

...

feeling very sorry, very pathetic, very alone, very annoyed, very disgusted, very disgusting, very sick of pretentious people and very inadequate. oh no, its moodswing time again.

+ posted by M @ 12:42 AM

...	Friday, December 05, 2003

i've never been good at letting it all out, and i still am not, but hopefully with effort, one day i will be. but at least today, i became less blind. [let us just exclude the fact that i'm getting increasingly worried because mei qing from church is telling me continually i remind her of ms ma]

before ED i was at the worst state of doubt ever. i have my times when i'm all, 'yes! God is real!' and then i have my times when i'm totally, 'do i even believe what i'm saying? am i crazy?' and today was one of those times. i was at the point where i doubted everything and last week i even went so far as to tell my DAD that life held no meaning whatsoever for me. after people finished sharing [they wanted to know why we loved God but at that point of time if i had really said what i'd felt i would have said, 'i don't know.'], it made me see why i got into this in the first place. now i see that i've gone through mass for two years and rciy not really knowing why i joined - i know i wanted to get to know God, but why? amazing how human beings just do things without questioning or thinking deeper at all.

it was somewhere during the preceding praise session that i realized - God is so real, and He came into my life when i most needed Him. He introduced Himself to me last year.

i've gone through this year thinking, last year was the worst year of my life ever - but now i know that actually this year is the worst year of my life [ok i'm just kidding now]. slowly He inched His way into my life when my father converted. we started going to church because Dad would drag us every sunday. i still remember the awkwardness, having to think twice about my decorum and trying to sing the funny songs they sang; i think i only fully learnt how to sing all the mass songs after half a year. last year was the worst year of my life, superficially. in sec one, i got into a hell lot of trouble all the time - playing truant, lying, sending emails during com class, passing notes and getting caught, detention, you name it. but with enough encouragement [and scolding] from my God-sent sec one form teacher i decided to better myself. in sec two i worked so damn hard, and i found things were easy. i was excelling in the sciences, the math, the humanities - i was a do all, win all person. i had a lot of friends and school was extremely fun.

when i got to sec three everything went crazy. because i had studied so hard i got into a good class and my old friends were all split up. you may think its easy because we're still in the same school, but its not. and it was then that i realized my old friendships were so superficial and empty - go out, shop, gossip, socialize and nothing else. i hated my life last year. i was failing physics and a math and i even had trouble with e math. and i'd keep asking God, 'why? why are you doing this to me?' it's natural for people to be stronger in a certain area, but i so badly wanted that area to have been science/math instead. little did i know that He had blessed me with a gift. i began to realize that when i did Lit [of course i liked it in sec two, but that was only because i was good at it], when i read books, when i read even shakespeare, i saw some things no one else saw, possibly not even the teachers. i was an expert at reading in between the lines. and then i discovered writing, i discovered poetry and i fell in love with words and literary art.

i know that while i may be blind to so many things, God has given me this gift to see things in ways some never imagine. i know that there are so many things i think of and see that other people never even dream of because they are too wrapped up in themselves.

of course there was trouble, i got into a relationship and my parents hated that and we'd fight all the time and they never trusted me. but i suppose that was what mass was for - for me to have my time of peace. and friends, what of them? i was forced to act like i was crazy and completely friendly everyday when school started although every night i went home and wanted to cry [if i weren't so bad at letting it all out, i would have actually cried] because i missed the old bunch [we split up over the sec three year because of stupid incidents i choose not to recount].

there were times life felt so incredibly meaningless i'd want to die - i still remember that night when i almost cut my wrists open but stopped short because something told me to. but i think what inspired me was jen. when she overcame her cutting and became closer to God. she is now one of the closer friends i can talk to about God. and then there was jas, who became the closest friend i've ever had. the only person i was able to talk to about so many things [not everything because thats hard for me to do]. so though i have lost touch with most of my old friends [i keep in touch with cel, seet and nat but its just the same thing about shopping, gossiping, etc i can be bimbotic when i want to] i made new ones last year, new ones that i think won't let me down like the past ones did. new ones that i am more confident i can rely on. not completely confident, but more than ever. it means so much to me that they are coming for my baptism because none of them, except jen [and she's not coming because she's in japan!], are christians. in fact two are strong aethists and two are buddhists - and to come because they know it means so much to me; i know that is really love. i'm just praying i won't be disappointed again. it occurs to me i took a big risk in asking them and getting the invites already because i'm afraid that last minute they can't make it for whichever reason.

and then i think i'll have no choice but to really cry - no matter how bad i am at letting it out, this will really smash the floodgates. but let's hope this turns out something like my birthday again.
so i realize He has helped me so much and at exactly the right times.

not everything is smooth sailing though. this year has been incredibly hectic. the o levels have been one thing. academic problems as usual with only Lit redeeming myself. but one thing that really breaks my heart is the apparent loss of my closest friend ever - jas. she turned bulimic, and slowly she recedes into that empty shell of hers. when i once could call her and talk to her about anything, i can't now because i feel like she will break if i lay heavy things on her. and then i feel guilt; guilt because i can do nothing to help, guilt because i'm thinking of my loss of a friend while she is stuck in the hellhole of anorexia. maybe you don't know, jas, but i remember that letter you mailed me. i had gotten cross about something ultimately silly and taken it all out on you, and you had written me a letter telling me that you loved me very much and that i did have true friends, i did. that letter changed my outlook on life.

you were one of them. but now, when i talk to you, you reply vaguely, you never answer our calls, and you never reply my messages and i get the feeling that you never reply when we ask you to go out because you just don't want to. why? is it because you are afraid we will force you to eat? though i wish you would, we definitely won't force you to - i just know that i'm losing you, if you aren't already lost that is.
again, tonight, God sent me a message. nat from church shared about the death of her father and how her friends never gave up on her no matter how closed up she was - and i think that's what God is telling me to do.

never give up.

+ posted by M @ 11:35 PM

...

i think the only person you really have to answer to is yourself. i was talking to jason today and he was telling me about how he was going to do something stupid. and i asked what, and he said i couldn't handle the truth if he told me [i don't think he meant that i was delusional but he thinks i'm a goody goody -which.. well i kind of am i-] so i said, 'try me'.

the guy's gonna smoke dope over the weekend. i told him i didn't know he did drugs and he said he didn't and he's a good kid and he tried proving to me that he's clean. but you know, don't tell me this, prove it to yourself because you're going to have to live with yourself your whole life, not me.

you know it's so weird. half the time he talks about how much he drinks as if its a good thing and maybe he thinks i'll be 'impressed' [because some people are stupid enough to be] but then when i hesitantly react to the idea of smoking dope he starts trying to convince me he's all good. i think maybe i'm the one person who hasn't judged him, who hasn't said anything about his flunking out to canada [because honestly i don't care], who hasn't given him praise about his drinking 'problem', and who probably reacted the way i did to his idea of smoking. maybe he doesn't want to lose that but i'm honestly getting quite sick and tired of his simple mind games.

he has the idea that he has to try everything, and he's going to do dope because its stupid. its stupid, and thats the point of him doing it - without doing stupid things how are you going to have any fun? at least that's what he thinks. i beg to differ.

how about doing things because you want to, not because you think you have to try every single thing in the world, good or bad. there are going to be so many stupid, bad experiences you get into in your life without wanting to, so you'll have MANY chances, trust me. no, wait, learn to trust yourself first.

i'm sick of having to try explaining myself and justifying what i do to others, yet i feel a need to. maybe he felt that need too, to explain himself to me when it really wasn't necessary because it is his life after all. or do we all have some responsibility to the people who care enough to ask, 'why do you do this?' and maybe we're showing that we care enough about them too to entertain their questions and tell them so that hopefully they'll worry less. or maybe we just don't want them to judge us. sometimes i hate it when people ask me to explain what i mean when i write certain things because i think, this is my writing, i don't owe it to you to make you understand how i feel. but at the same time - that's why i write, to try to open people's eyes [including my own] a bit more; so if they don't understand i should very well explain it.

to each his own.

so this is how you'll know that i love you enough: when i try to make you understand.

+ posted by M @ 4:04 PM

...

wait they don't love you like i do
- maps, the yeah yeah yeahs

i'm greedy. now that i'm on the verge of getting the evanescence, good charlotte and wheatus cds [trading burnt cds with church mate alysia. on my side its two dashboard albums and the AAR] i realize i also want coldplay and i really want the yeah yeah yeahs and of course i eternally want the Ash albums which just about no one listens to.

for some reason this song seems to reflect a lot of myself, so much so that it's eerie, and it's got me addicted.

my immortal - evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
by your resignating mind,
now i'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me.

These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too rel
there's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that your gone
but though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

+ posted by M @ 3:45 PM

...

okay is it just me or is blogger screwing up. why do my blogs always screw up on me. it doesn't help that i'm no html genius either.

+ posted by M @ 3:40 PM

...

Seer

The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

perhaps this is true. just perhaps.

interesting that it should be an eye picture and that i supposedly 'see' because i've already picked my baptism name - i'm going to be named after St Ava.

when i told nat chan for admin purposes she said, you want Melissa St Ava or Melissa Saint Ava? and i was like, is it possible to have NO ST or SAINT title?! fortunately it is.

ava is pretty weird isn't it. i actually prefer eva, but i chose ava because it held more meaning for me. eva was just someone who had something to do with the blessed sacraments [of course important, though] whereas st ava was cured of blindness.

i think that embodies what i want in my life. i want to be cured of my blindness, of maybe my warped perceptions that hinder me from really seeing - i really want to see things for what they are. i want to see.

+ posted by M @ 1:05 PM

...	Thursday, December 04, 2003

i pierced my ear again [just the right side, second one]! i can't believe i actually went through with it, going to isabellas [yeah i know its ex, but its my ear and i want it to be okay], holding kai's hand and picking the stone.

it sort of brought old memories back of kindergarten when i had a friend with pierced ears and so i wanted them too - peer pressure at such a young age, goodness.

and i didn't tell my parents. oops. i'm hoping my long hair can sort of hide it though i really hope they don't mind when they find out [possibly at baptism when i get all wet and my mom will try drying my hair], which they will, sooner or later.

alright i'm a silly bugger i know but i went on a total shopping spree at topshop and bought THREE skirts because i have a thing for long flared ones now[and as of today im a bloody member of topshop and i swear that was the first time i actually bought something from that store]. omg i don't have enough tops to go with them.

i'm in moodswing mode. i'm happy because i just watched love actually today and its really like warm fuzzies of the world unite.

for now my life goal is to : marry colin firth.

met sam walker and her mom at the cinema and when they walked out her mom was all weepy - ah the christmas warmth.. kai wants to join in on the darcy marathon now. there are so many underlying thoughts and situations that should be bothering me but i'm feeling too christmassy to care.

okay im happeeeeeeeeeeee.

+ posted by M @ 11:37 PM

...

there is a distinct difference between singapore and tokyo, and that difference lies deeper than 6feet beneath.

it is the subway.

but a subway is a subway, you protest. no i think the subway sums up very well the cultures of these two countries. don't get me wrong, i like the mrt. in singapore, the mrt stations are clean, comfortable and welcoming. everything is in great order. the trains arrive on two seperate sides that will never come close and people are shielded from possible death by glass screens and double doors. there is a clear line which tells you to stand back even after all these safety precautions are in place. we're indeed the kiasee nation and the mrt clearly reflects this. you'd have a hard time trying to kill yourself by crashing train here.

as for japan, you feel this whole surge of life. the two trains aren't too far apart, in fact there are tracks next to each other going in opposite directions, pushed apart by a strip of concrete platform. never will they meet [for that would result in collision], but briefly and quickly the pass each other by allowing others to see into the other side. there are no double doors and safety lines here. if you wish you throw yourself onto the track, you may do so. you are free to choose if you want to live or die, no one is protecting you from your destiny. it is as though there is a thin line between life and death and you can stand on the very edge of it, even cross it if you decide to. it turns out that in singapore, we're not only afraid to die, sometimes we're afraid to truly live. we miss out on that adrenalin rush of choosing to live because we really want to - we live because it is too difficult to die.

i love the subway in japan. i love the way i can see into the dark tunnels and take a picture of the train emerging with its bright lights. i love the way i can stand so close to the tracks and feel the stirred air against my face as the train rushes by. i love the way i can make out the metal roads and stare at them if i like. i love the way two trains in opposite directions seem to converge as a blur - it spells out the merging of two sides and the destruction of human boundaries. i love the way the track pit seems to curve because our eyes cannot see it going straight forever.

i love this feeling of life as my own.

+ posted by M @ 6:57 AM