when i saw this i thought of you, and against my will i found myself smiling.

the wounds seem to be healing a lot easier now, i can honestly say that i feel happy for you and the pangs are lessening each time we talk.

anyway, it's prom tomorrow. somehow i find it really really strange we call it prom, because i've been so used to the American idea of prom (i have watched many many many teen flicks, you can quiz me) where the people actually go with their dates and dance and things like that. people try to make a big thing of it here, but it just really doesn't catch on. i also have no idea how to do make up and i don't think i'm ever really going to learn. which is why i cannot work an office job next time. i am personally not really looking forward to prom or any afterprom activities. i have not really felt any attachment to njc and the people ... and somehow ... well, i don't know. que sera sera. maybe i'll end up having fun and it'll be an eventful night. who knows.

i feel more ready to begin writing and pursuing art again, now that i seem to have managed to be slightly enlightened from this depressed period. jeremy's already written up the tune for my song and i listened to him play it on his electric over the phone - it really did sound quite nice, though i wish he would have agreed to sing so that i could put the lyrics to the music. that was quite exciting.

+ posted by M @ 9:19 PM

...	Tuesday, November 29, 2005

i'm not sure if this is an effect of moodswings ... but i feel slightly heartened right now.

THERE IS HOPE AND BEAUTY IN THIS WORLD. I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT. or else, what else is there left to do?

what's the point of living if you don't believe in truth, beauty, freedom and love! there is no point, you might as well just jump!

so if i'm going to make this choice to carry on living, i have to believe there's something greater out there or else my life WILL be pointless. so yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, i believe i believe i believe. i will keep on believing, i will keep hanging on to these ideals because this is who i am and what i am.

i was very affected yesterday when my mother told me that i am too idealistic a person, that i expect too much out of life and PEOPLE which is why i am always disappointed, that i romanticise things far too much. it made me feel like i really wasn't made to survive in this world, that my idealism, and my dreaming were my greatest flaws.

but you know what? this is WHO I AM. and i'm not going to change that for the world, because if i don't believe in goodness and truth and beauty there is nothing else left for me to do. and i really DO believe these things exist, and i WILL find them, i WILL I WILL I WILL. if my heart is going to get smashed to smithereens because i expect too much of PEOPLE and of the WORLD - let it be, LET IT BE. this is the only way i know how to live my life and if i'm going to get hurt just because i believe in the goodness of people, SO BE IT.

i am who i am, and maybe i'll finally be okay with that someday.

+ posted by M @ 11:53 PM

...

on another note that is by no means uplifting - don't depend on people, because they're always going to leave, they're always going to be busy with something else, they're always going to make promises they can't keep.

don't depend on anything worldly because it will always, always disappoint. so what will i depend on? the God that i cannot seem to see?

i'm beginning to think van is right. human beings are like fungi - they always need something to cling on to, someone to depend on so they can survive. i need someone, something i can depend on - and the fact is at present i have no one, nothing. at least while taking the A levels or in school - i had a routine to hold on to, something to keep me afloat no matter how flimsy. i'll admit it, i AM a leech, i AM a mushroom, i AM. that's a fact, and the present circumstances are slowly sapping me dry of life.

+ posted by M @ 10:01 PM

...

another emo post that you really shouldn't be reading

you know, things aren't going so great. there are lots of temporary, momentary respites and then i slide back into this deep pit of nothingness. i'm beginning to think life is one big quilt of patchwork moments and that nothing really means anything on its own - life seems to be disjointed and confusing and not something that makes sense when looked at on a whole.

i really have no idea why everything just seems to look so bad right now. i'm really at a low point right now and nothing is working out. no one to talk to - which is why i'm here typing up seemingly typical angstridden drivel. life is strange, this is strange. my parents suspect that i might be chemically imbalanced. i have gone through periods of depression unknown to many and i suppose at times only my family have inevitably bore witness to them.

i don't know. i'm hoping they're just phases everyone goes through and nothing to be medically concerned about? i can't see myself taking prozac.

whine whine whine. complain complain complain. i'm not usually like this, am i? i really don't know what is happening. i really don't know. why does my life seem so pathetic and meaningless? why do I seem so pathetic and meaningless? is it because i'm standing on the periphery of life - that a whole big chunk of my life has just ended and been laid to rest - that i have to move on to other things but i don't know where i'm headed and how? is it because i have to deal with so many larger issues now that i'm no longer conveniently distracted by things like exams and schoolwork?

why can't i bring myself to do all i've set out to do. why do i feel so hopelessly alone and ... surreal. i feel displaced and detached - i need to take some classes, but yet i'm leaving Singapore in three weeks and so i can't - so here i am, stuck in limbo. i bloody hate being stuck in limbo. halfway there. i can't seem to do anything, accomplish anything. i'm going mad, i am really really going mad.

and i wish that God were here. where are you God? because at present i don't feel You at all. despite prayer and mass ... i really don't feel Your presence, i really don't and i really can't.

+ posted by M @ 9:44 PM

...	Sunday, November 27, 2005

time has been suspended.

i am under wong kar-wai's spell. i now must watch all his movies or die. watched In The Mood For Love last night. tony leung chiu wai and maggie cheung are the gods of asian cinema. GODS OF ASIAN CINEMA, i'm telling you. i love them.

i've been rather anti-social lately, not going out with people and acting very distant when around them. i've probably offended a few people by acting strangely, but i hope they'll understand somehow. it comes to the point where i get annoyed by hearing myself talk because i talk about such pointless things and i'm so disconnected from myself it seems like i'm observing myself put on a bad impersonation of a person. nothing is adequate nowadays - you can't tell people the truth because really, you don't know it yourself and you'd just be whining, so instead i become some vague character who just talks to fill up the gaps, however unsuccessfully. to sum it all up - life is meaningless, at present, and i am meaningless.

i've become a person of a very solitary nature lately, and am looking forward to spending some time by myself in town next week to reflect on things. just a good coffee, a book, writing materials, my iPod and some walking around Borders and Kinokuniya (where i will spend my $200 voucher, yay). temporary job hunt for the few weeks in dec is also not going well - i'm picky, and the ice cream person from classifieds doesn't pick up her phone. looks like i'll have to make some trips to serene centre or sunset way or something to see if they need any help. i feel like i need a job, i need some sort of daily ritual or i'm going to go mad - i never thought i'd be that sort of person. frankly, so much free time next year does quite scare me now. because the more i'm left to my own devices to think and overthink my issues, the more i will sink into this 'life is meaningless' pit. yet at the same time i don't really want to be around people, so what am i getting at?

i also cannot write because i am constantly morose and depressed. yes, most good writing stems from pensiveness - but being unreasonably happy and moping will NOT make good writing. instead it causes me to just sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself. was uncharacteristically bitter during church mass today, which scared even myself. don't really know what has gotten in to me that is making me so increasingly unhappy.

i must finish (after starting on!) the Incommunicado piece. i really must submit something, just to kick start ... something.

i think i'm a bit too self centered, maybe. notice how many of my paragraphs have started with i? almost all, except for the first line at the top. yet at the same time, i'm being introspective because if i want to be a better person for anyone - i've got to spend time with myself first and stop being so confused, and for lack of a better explanation, discover myself, because i really don't know the first thing about me.

+ posted by M @ 2:48 PM

...	Saturday, November 26, 2005

love is watching someone die

yet another weird night, which resulted in me not turning in til 7am. instead i watched two movies, High Fidelity - which in my opinion was not all that great. and, yes, A Walk To Remember because i was out to make myself cry or try to feel something. somehow, despite all the cynicism and numbness i was feeling last night, that movie still has the ability to make me cry my eyes out, completely.

i think if Nicholas Sparks collected all the tears he's wrung out from poor, unsuspecting audiences all over the world (for The Notebook, AWTR, Message In A Bottle), he'll have enough water to flood Singapore and maybe Malaysia as well. God.

anyway, he doesn't play fair. he uses a formula for his tear-jerkers. someone always dies or is sick with something. plus mending family ties and all that sap.

it's rather sad that i've cried harder at this movie than i have at anything else for a very long time. sometimes i think it's quite depressing that i so often turn to fiction for a release, but people just don't seem to work quite as well. or maybe i'm not trying hard enough?

i've come to the conclusion last night that i'm incredibly unhappy with everything for too many reasons and for none at all. and that i need to do something about it, even if on my own. i can't keep waiting and hoping someone will come along to help me out because that's just how life is. most of the time, you're on your own.

'we live as we dream, alone' (maybe i've taken this existentialism thing a bit too far, but somehow the world seems rather black now. looks like no matter how old i get i just can't shake off teenage angst)

+ posted by M @ 2:13 PM

...	Friday, November 25, 2005

last night was a pretty weird night. stayed up pretty late writing a lot of random things. some rough drafts - two poems and a song.

i've decided to try my hand at songwriting for jeremy's band, so we'll see how that goes. i don't know what inspired me to do this but in a way i think songs are easier to write in that you don't have to put as much thought into the structure and language because the music makes it sound okay in the end. of course, i'm not the one doing the music and jeremy says he'll make an exception and work on the music after the lyrics are done, as opposed to how he normally does it (the other way round). anyway, i don't know what kind of band jeremy is in because his taste in music really doesn't coincide with mine, usually. but it should be an interesting enough experience.

unfortunately, at present, all of my writing is about the same thing and i tried many times to start work on the piece for the Incommunicado competition but i end up writing more random phrases about this instead.

this.

it's not really a good thing because none of it would mean anything to anyone. so, you know. gosh, i have to start writing about other issues. inspiration, hit me hard? i think i'm due a trip to town on my own to think things out and watch people and things.

+ posted by M @ 11:48 AM

...	Thursday, November 24, 2005

so i rewatched Lost In Translation last night (the first time being when it first came out), and it is amazing. the first time i watched it, it didn't strike me as anything particularly special ... but this time, wow! incredible.

i don't really know what i liked so much about it - i can't say exactly, but then i never can, can i? the directing and shooting was gorgeous of course. and maybe because it was wryly funny, and maybe because so many times we find ourselves in situations just like that - talking about things you really want to do and making a joke out of it and of course not doing them, knowing what you really should do but not doing it. i think the wonderful thing about the movie was that so many things between murray's and johansson's characters were unspoken but quietly understood. that was beautiful. and the last scene - just goes to show that for that one brilliant moment we find fulfilment and then we just move on and continue walking. and it's okay to walk away, because the moment's been had.

though personally, if i knew i had found something good, i wouldn't be able to walk away and live my life the same way again. i'd always think back on that moment and compare everything else to it. and i think that's important - the ability to think of things as things by themselves and not to risk comparing but i do that so very often and i must one day learn not to.

i am currently quite in love with scarlett johansson. rewatched In Good Company and as a result felt like rewatching Lost In Translation and now i think i want to watch Girl With A Pearl Earring. there really is something very magnetic about her, something very expressive and wonderful.

i want to watch neil simon's the odd couple.

+ posted by M @ 11:20 PM

...	Wednesday, November 23, 2005

resolute!

anyway, i have made the decision NOT to waste these free months. right now i'm not exactly free because i still have to do college apps - oh God help me - for the various US universities and i pray and hope the A levels will be okay, but you know, they're done and no point worrying about them. so as of today, i will stop mentioning the A levels because it is in the past.

i am quite excited and DETERMINED not to waste my holidays by going out every other day to town and numbing myself into a meaningless existence by shopping and eating. instead, i've decided i will really get in touch with my writing and join several poetry competitions - i will make myself write. yes, i must discipline myself. a lot of the times during the exams i got certain inspirations and i drove them away because i was too tired and lazy to write and now i have completely forgotten. now that my exams are over i have no excuse! (no matter how flimsy the A level excuse was) so my writing is definitely something i am going to work on quite carefully.

i will spend more time with myself and with films and art. and yes, i will clear out my drawing table and start using it again - i've already got some ideas for an art piece i want to start working on. i will read more. i will think more and i will live more and i will not be apathetic. yes, i will live more, even if by myself. i will be happy. really really want to work more on art. maybe will take classes at NAFA or something.

also will start looking into jobs although i think i will start work next year because i am going away in mid-december. and my first few months next year will probably be preoccupied with working the film job thing, so. am also thinking about teaching somewhere, just to see what it's like and to see if it's something i can see myself doing in the future (yes, i am thinking about becoming a teacher, yes, me, the one who raves about the evils of MOE) because really, it looks like quite a possibility right now ... and i might not like many things but i've seen plenty of literature teachers who depart from the regimented MOE system and i don't mind that. not sure if i want to back to SCGS but i don't want to go to some intimidating, unfamiliar school when i've had no experience whatsoever, so, hmm.

AND, want to travel! does not really matter where, even short trip to australia to visit kai will suffice, just want to get the feel of travelling by self. will also learn to cook more local foods. will also clear and do up room nicely. and oh yes, i think i will overcome fear of driving and learn to drive. i will no longer be mel who does not even dare to drive a go-kart, but mel who knows how to drive. though i really can't imagine driving myself around, i will learn it anyhow.

most importantly, will go back to church more for ED things and stuff. need to pursue God actively.

plans don't usually work for me, but i really am NOT going to waste my time, i am NOTTTT. i can no longer stand my habit of never accomplishing what i set out to do, and this time i am really going to do it. i am realllllyyy going to do it. PSYCHED.

+ posted by M @ 8:58 PM

...

incredibly tired.

and that's all i have to say about the end of all my GCE exams for life. i expected an anti-climax anyway. all i can really think of is SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP.

+ posted by M @ 7:10 PM

...	Monday, November 21, 2005

can i get a huge collective sigh of relief?

SEA HISTORY IS OVER, DEAD, GONE. so it WAS kind of screwed up, but my attitude towards it is quite 'whatever' right now. i think i'm just numb, i don't really care right now since it's over. i don't understand how anyone can study SEA history without going completely out of their mind insane. it is not only boring (the westies colonised burma, malaya and 23987345987 other generic sea countries WHO CARES. the thing about race was quite interesting though, but ultimately useless information in exams, sadly!), it requires copious amounts of memory power which I DO NOT HAVE. clearly - i am not someone memorizes things. i read, and read, and hope it will stick. a lot of the times if i'm not interested it doesn't. to get me to start memorizing things consciously at this point in my life will prove quite difficult and painful. and even just reading sea history is enough to drive one mad when i have the attention span of a housefly and will leave things that do not captivate me (yes even math captivates in a twisted way because you're sort of locked in once you start a paper).

anyway, only one paper left and it's lit 3! i've never been very confident for this paper because time and time again it has come to bite me in the back and i think i want to try essays for the first time at the As but i am still happy because lit 3 texts (oh what am i saying, almost all texts interest me!) interest me and studying for it .. isn't really studying. so yes, am really quite relaxed. i want this to go out with a big bang, i WILL OWN LIT3. I WILL OWN IT! no matter what crap lit3 questions you throw at me SEAB, i am determined to OWN YOU. I WILL OWN YOU, YOU WAIT AND SEE. anyway, i have tons and tons of extra readings for heart of darkness and brave new world (which i went to zap from libraries so that i can OWN THIS PAPER!!!!!) so if any j1 should want for next year, i am willing to give them away. provided you dont mind my mad highlighting. i also have some notes on metaphysical poetry. i enjoy zapping tons of extra readings from the library because it really is enriching and interesting to hear so many takes on one text! SO YES!!!! i must do justice to Pinter and Huxley and Conrad. you guys are my motivation, i cannot allow myself to write lacklustre essays about your works, obviously! i cannot! it would be embarrassing and blasphemous and sad!

okay i've really gone quite mad! well the oc is very funny right now and i actually like taylor townsend and i think she and seth are very funny and i quite like that plot even though people will think i'm mad and i like julie very muchhhh and johnny is getting to be rather annoying and oliver-y. i realize he looks like mulroney dermot (or whatever weird name that uncharismatic actor has) which is not a good thing so i don't really like him anymore. also i liked the band subway(?) featured on that episode so i shall go find out more about them.

hmmmmm. i am still subconsciously anxious about results of course, but really, there's no point worrying and feeling remorseful and what not because it's over. so right now i don't feel particularly remorseful for sleeping last night even when i hadn't finished studying seahistory. (maybe i'll live to regret it one day, but for now i'm so starved-for-sleep delirious i couldn't possibly give a damn about not caring more about the thakins and their footwear)

+ posted by M @ 11:45 AM

...	Sunday, November 20, 2005

something i wrote two years ago

there is no you.
there is no me.

there is only us. now. who cares about tomorrow - it may never come. and even if it does, maybe tomorrow we will be without the other, 'us' will be but a word, and people will pass like strangers once more.

now, we have all the time in the world. now, you're holding my hand. now, i can see the speck of candy floss on your cheek. now, i can taste the scent of classrooms and busrides on you.

i always start what i can never finish.

+ posted by M @ 5:54 PM

...	Saturday, November 19, 2005

the sands of time. anxious about papers on monday. not excited. should i have done that? i miss you. why is it that the only time i hear from you nowadays is when you tell me how well you are faring without me. i don't need to hear that. why is my phone blinking. maybe i should throw it away. no, it's too expensive. people yelling, clapping. quite scared, wish to be on a caffeine drip all my life.

that was weird. just typed whatever came to mind, as opposed to thinking of things to say. not completely stream of consciousness - oh stream of consciousness! i am suddenly obsessed with the idea. Woolf did it in The Waves and it was so captivating and my friend said, 'hypnotic'. the same technique is used in Schooling (can't remember the author - Heather Mcgowan?) - i need to read it, it's been sitting on my shelf for ages. i have lots of books to read. i said i wouldn't buy any more till i finished off what i owe the book gods (?) but my brother gave me $200 worth of kinokuniya vouchers (!!!) someone gave him for a gift (just because he prefers borders. i prefer borders too, but i'm not stupid. i know money when i see it). it would be a shame not to use it, maybe i'll use it for cookbooks? or a lomo camera thing. or some DVDs. yes, quite excited now.

i think i am too conscious of myself and my thoughts sometimes, and it obstructs a lot of things. i need to learn how to channel stuff. like zen, or something.

anyway i'm feeling slightly better today. i think i was being very emo and scary yesterday because of my period. and it is disgustingly amazing how one can bleed continuously for days without dying - so i guess instead of death it manifests in weird moods.

that doesn't change the fact that i'm searching desperately for God. no, i think that's wrong. i don't think i'm searching hard enough. i want to find him, but i'm not doing things which i should be to find him, and frankly i'm just lost because i have no idea what i should do, how i should do it or whatever. i'm a lost sheep. i think i just expressed myself with a great touch of maudlin and fatalism yesterday. so yes, we can cut out the dramatics, but my situation and position is very much the same.

okay i am just rambling rambling rambling rambling rambling.

mmm. also, the guy from the 'secret' cd shop sounds like quite a fascinating character, from what i hear from dawn. a snobby person who doesn't like people who listen to 'mainstream' music. the thing is, everything is pretty much mainstream nowadays. it's in to be all alternative and angsty and what not, so like it or not, we 'underground' people have other people who want to be fashionable encroaching on our space. i mean, the oc has completely popularized Death Cab. so, well. gosh, i don't know what i'm talking about. i'm rambling. i'll end with this:

adam brody is good stuff. season 1 seth is back and he is GOOD STUFF! yes.

+ posted by M @ 9:54 PM

...	Friday, November 18, 2005

full of gloom, doom, unhappiness and self indulgence, approach with caution.

i think lit 8 went okay, but i still feel uneasy.

i did the metaphysical poem (which sounded like the kind of poem you read at funerals). herbert was useful, maybe? but somehow i feel i didn't deal with that question as thoroughly as i could have and should have (ahem, verseform). i'm disappointed with myself. i think i really fell short, really fell fell fall fall fall. actually i'm just in quite a fatalistic mood right now. maybe i'm over reacting?

the drama, on the other hand, was bloody brilliant. it was so ESOTSM-esque to me. i could literally see their thoughts collapsing and slipping and sliding into different events in front of me. it was very vivid, very nice to know that dramatists had experimented with that idea even before film - i'd really like to see how it's done on stage. how they change the sets around the characters. how how how, i want to see it done.

the nice thing about lit 8 is that it presents little jewels of work. after the paper i heard cherlynn gushing about the prose piece. it was by a local writer, but i didn't do it because i stubbornly stuck to poetry. but have really mixed feelings about this paper. frankly, to confess - i am extremely anxious. i somehow feel like when march comes i will be left with a mess of results and my parents will give me the look of disappointment which is enough to kill me inside out.

i don't know if i'm being paranoid. everyone (my parents being everyone) goes, 'if you're getting an A you will FEEL it after the paper'. i haven't gotten that A feeling yet. maybe for some essays i feel i will get an A but not for the PAPER overall. there's always another segment pulling it down (in lit8's case, the poem).

right now, i don't even care about university. i just DONT WANT to see that look in my father's eyes. i know how disappointed he is with me already, how i lead my life, the choices i've made, the grades i've attained and it will really, really, really kill me if that happens with my A level results.

sigh, i hate my life. please, Anxiety, go away.

i've also been trying to think long and hard about where i stand with God right now, and frankly, it is nowhere. some people seem to be really high on God all the time, so trusting, so happy, so sure that God is with them. i can't say i feel that. thinking of the recent confirmands and how happy they are to be confirmed and the security they feel in their faith ... i don't have that anymore. i know i used to feel a fraction of it once (when i was sixteen) - and that was more than enough. it healed everything, it made it all okay, it filled the void. maybe it's something you have to work for, but i seem unable to attain it right now. and i think that is the very main reason for the state of unhappiness i seem to constantly be in, the constant nagging worries and anxieties that are eating me up and slowly killing me. if all is right with God, all will be right with my life. but my relationship with God is a MESS and thus I AM A MESS. i don't know anymore, help? help God, help. i can't do this on my own, i really can't. i need to get You back by my side and i don't know how and it seems i can't and You're just slipping further and further away and i am all alone without You. You are the only One that matters and yet You are the only One i can't seem to attain.

end of story.

+ posted by M @ 6:00 PM

...

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE. SERIOUSLY. DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE BAND OF THE CENTURY

okay i'm going a bit mad. i've been accumulating too much music by underhanded means lately. The New Pornographers, Stars, Death Cab For Cutie, Broken Social Scene, Joni Mitchell, NOFX.

someone tell me how i can procure this kind of music legally, cheaply and easily (HMV slaps IMPORT on lots of CDs too often and the prices jump up by tens of dollars) and i'll be glad to stop (maybe) - what's this holland village place i've heard of but never found? tell me all about it, i live under a rock and need to be enlightened.

+ posted by M @ 12:06 PM

...

the 'nahhh-won't-happen-to-me' thought of not getting into university is fast becoming a reality with every paper that goes by.

international history was a dastardly affair. the sad thing is, i actually felt really confident for it because of mark lo. i mean, i wrote like the most practice essays for history i have ever written in all my past 5 years of doing the subject altogether. that has GOT to count for some sort of effort. but all has come to naught and i suppose only the hc/rj kids who study EVERYTHING will be 'rewarded'.

so, i deserve it, i guess, to some extent. and that is a horrible thought.

i think if worse comes to worse i'll take a year off to accumulate a portfolio for NAFA/LA SALLE and end up doing art or something enriching. well, actually no. i wouldn't mind, BUT i think my parents will tell me i've destroyed my life and they'll never want anything to do with me again, really. which is another horrible thought.

oh and tonight i'm seeing two cousins who went to Yale at a family dinner, which is like, greattt. but how happy can they be anyway, working in The Company. what's the use of going to Yale if you're going to work in The Company (trying to console myself here, with the human nature George Eliot would disapprove of) - God help me so if i ever find myself in a corporate job, especially one in The Company.

but today is Lit 8, so i should be happy. i'm a bit excited to see what they throw at us (there are rumours aflying that we might get some local writing), and i really don't want to mess this one up because i like this paper and i like the whitby. IH AND E8 are supposed to be the STRONG ones. ahhhhh.

+ posted by M @ 10:36 AM

...	Wednesday, November 16, 2005

another first draft

we shared a goodbye like lovers share a dessert after a meal that was too much. necessary, but something to be careful of regretting. requiring a certain silent telepathy to prevent the clashing of forks over the same bit of sponge cake or tart.

goodbye - an expression used when parting, Oxford says. it's just a word one must use to warn the other of an immediate departure, so as not to appear brash, rude. like all formalities, it requires a proper, often-rehearsed response, 'goodbye, you take care too'. the word saved us from the real drama of the situation - that is, to hold on to you before you got lost in the crowd, to refuse the obligatory response.

there are different goodbyes to be felt. some linger on my lips like the memory of you, some tear our hearts out violently, some are muted, some are casual and flippant, some are only temporary. i much prefer the almost childish 'see you later, alligator' to the finality implied by 'goodbye'. our goodbye seemed to have a 'forever' attached to it neither of us wanted to enunciate.

how did this absurdity originate? we could have remained a people who simply said, 'bye', but perhaps one day a polite (or spiteful?) lover decided to throw in the word 'good' for measure. 'good-bye' almost like 'good-riddance'. the word caught on - an effective way to euphemise painful partings. but most of the time, stinging more than soothing.

i won't wish you 'goodbye' in return - your leaving me can't be a good thing. i would say 'farewell' because i do hope for you to be happy, even if i can't be the one to assure that. but while i wish for your happiness, i can't say i would like to hear of it when i'm not the cause of it. therefore, i say,

'till we meet again' (because perhaps, somewhere in time, things will finally go our way)

+ posted by M @ 2:47 PM

...	Tuesday, November 15, 2005

exams put me in a kill-clutter mood. have FINALLY sorted out my old CDs (though many are still missing from the cases) and i have TONS (meaning like maybe 100 or slightly less) of them to sell and get rid of. i'm hanging on to the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys for old time's sake (i still like some of their songs, i admit) but getting rid of lots of others. i can't see anyone actually wanting to buy them - people my age and up would cringe and people of my brothers ages and below don't even know who the Spice Girls are. i don't even really want money for them (am willing to give away for free) i just want to get rid of them because it hurts to have so much clutter. and also i'm getting rather tired of people thinking i'm stuck in a 'bad '90s pop music' bubble - as does everyone who comes into my room, initially. i felt rather old today, while trying to convince my brother to take some off me - 'who's 911? the spice girls - who? steps?' frankly, i'm quite the nutcase when it comes to CDs and music. if i were more indulgent in spending on CDs and there was no such thing as downloading (and if i had some self control with regards to breaking the law) i would probably be cluttered with few hundreds more CDs that reflect my current taste in music. but clearly, my priorities lie with clothes (especially jewellery!) and books and they take up more space than anything.

i also have a big cardboard box (yes, the type the movers pack stuff in) sitting at the side of my room which i haven't cleared since i moved house about four years ago. yes, i am a pathetic slob. it's not my fault that i don't have enough shelves for books. actually, the big box consists of all the manga i accumulated while i was going through the whole anime thing and i don't quite feel for it anymore, so if anyone would like to buy? they're in good condition and i'm willing to sell for cheap/reasonable (i have many, many different series, mainly Shoujo, i guess). but i'll probably find loads of buyers if i sell them on the net or to Sonny (Sunny?) at far east - after all, they're not trash like my CDs. people STILL like Cardcaptor Sakura and other CLAMP comics, right?

i've been burning copies of old disney movies (yes, i'm a bad person) for my sister (cos we couldn't find the old video tapes even though i swear i just watched the Beauty and the Beast one sometime earlier this year). i've discovered that my younger siblings (three of them from 12 years old and younger) are very deprived. they haven't had the REAL Disney experience of movies like The Little Mermaid. which i really think is a travesty! they don't make Disney movies like they used to. no wonder people are growing increasingly cynical.

anyway, the movies really don't seem to interest my sister much. the things that young kids watch nowadays are really weird and sad programmes. she hardly watched any of The Little Mermaid when i showed it to her last night and today her interest in Beauty and the Beast was quite marginal. i, on the other hand, was just lapping it all up. Beauty and the Beast is STILL my favourite Disney of all time. something about it just appeals to me and makes it far more .. 'real' than the other Disneys (i hate Snow White with a vengeance and Cinderella is quite annoying). plus Belle is a bookworm. being offered a huge library as a gift? how awesome and romantic. it's better than Aladdin and The Little Mermaid and Pocahontas (which i didn't like either) because it's about loving someone despite their faults and weird appearances, i guess. and also about how love changes people for the better. as opposed to aladdin where jasmine loved aladdin because she thought he was a charming prince and so on and so forth. and eric loved ariel because she sang well and was pretty. belle and the beast just seem to offer something deeper and less superficial than the rest. their love is really self-sacrificing and without boundaries.

i don't know why, that movie just really gets me. i got lumps in my throat at quite a few points in the movie. it really makes you think that YES, LOVE CONQUERS ALL! really gives me a lot of hope and generally big time warm fuzzies.

LOVE CONQUERS ALL!

+ posted by M @ 10:13 PM

...	Monday, November 14, 2005

yes, another entry giving you a complete account of my exam

lit 1. what do i say?! when i flipped through the paper, my first impulse was to laugh. because NOTHING we spotted came out. OH YAY. if this continues for all the history and lit papers to come - cambridge, please go and die.

the questions were weird, especially measure for measure and silas marner. i mean, nothing we spotted came out. nothing even close. and i'm a lazy bum who banks on spotting like the world is going to end. it worked well for the O levels because our teachers were bang on about it. measure for measure was hard, really. i did the thematic question and i have no idea what the 'ideals' of measure for measure are to this very day. my only hope was to twist the question to fit my knowledge and any theory i thought sounded clever and impressive. silas marner would have been doable if i had expected it and studied that topic more. but in all fairness, none of us did (including the rj kids) because we all thought bloody WOMEN would come out, or at least a CHARACTER question. i can't complain about Herbert much because i thought it was quite a relaxing essay to do (compared to the others) but i know everyone else who usually does context for Herbert wanted to murder dio. Vanity (1)? i wanted to cry FOR them. fortunately i never do context for this paper. and i'm beginning to think i really shouldn't for lit 3, either.

the thing about lit is that no matter what sort of weird questions are thrown at you, you WILL find a way, you WILL write thousands of words in 3 hours, you WILL MAKE your brain have something to say (even if trash). and that's the beauty of lit and history (though history not as enjoyable to think about) and that's why i guess i have to say i enjoyed writing this paper. even though my answers may have gone off tangent greatly (there's always a danger), i had fun anyhow.

i just hope i do okay, because my parents act as though i already have As for lit and history and i would really HATE HATE HATE to disappoint them when i can do no other subject properly. yes, i'm quite a talentless person.

+ posted by M @ 11:46 AM

...	Sunday, November 13, 2005

first draft

i thought it would be
like writing a poem
where not putting pen
to paper
guaranteed quick
almost immediate
loss

but now instead
my head is a box of
thoughts, things
each waiting to be prompted
by something of you

i didn't jot you down
quick enough, the first time,
to keep you

but now that i have suffered
that one sharp burst:
your disappearance

i write you out
everyday, with no fear
of losing
what's left of you with me
(only memory)
and there aren't enough words
to keep you
from slipping
away.

something i felt the impulse to write, which feels very real to me. does this actually make sense to any of you? i might be on to something here. i might be able to start writing again, thanks to you.

+ posted by M @ 7:51 PM

...	Saturday, November 12, 2005

i'm feeling rather incensed by everything.

enough with the SCGS bashing, ALREADY. it is getting old. do people have nothing better to do than sit around and dream up fantastical ideas about how 1. bimbotic and 2. destined for tai-tai lives we are? i can't say that any of my contemporaries really fall into these two categories. i don't know about my juniors and my seniors - but the scgs girls in my year are NOT like that. student's sketchpad and all those other 'bloggers' that feed off that idea are greatly misguided and myopic in their thinking.

i'd like to point their attention to the fact that we are the first girls' school to have our students actually publish something - Uncut. it may not be a big publication, but i really think it reflects something of our school. that we care enough about art and poetry and that we want to be heard. and if you think art and poetry are airy, fluffy things that only people with no jobs do ... then, well, you're an idiot.

besides, what century are these people living in? what is with the stereotype of girls' schools either being hotbeds for feminist activity (apparently RGS), full of lesbians (apparently IJ) or finishing schools (apparently SCGS)? aren't those rather narrow-minded and untrue stereotypes?

God. open your eyes, people. life isn't all about labelling people based on what school they go to. pay attention to the world and the real news that is going on. not just who got plastic surgery and denies it. if everyone continues wasting their brains on such trivial matters, it's no wonder the world is in such a state of distress.

if it's not xiaxue, it's this plastic surgery thing. and the thing is, it's not even like we're discussing the ethics of plastic surgery here - people are simply having a discussion to try and malign the person who did it. to what purpose?! wow. we have SUCH a variety of meaningless things to think deeply about! while the death penalty issue just goes quietly unnoticed.

i've really lost faith in the newspapers and all these people who try to be pseudo-intellectuals. it annoys me greatly. also, i think the rise of blogging signifies something really rather sad. if the only way to get heard and air frustrations is to type up something in a blank box and put it on the internet - isn't that rather pathetic?

we are becoming such a detached population despite all these advances in technology and communication. and that is the pure bloody irony of it all. i'm going to think about this very carefully. i think i might want to give up this 'blogging' thing. i used to think of it as a faster way of writing what i needed to, but as i haven't written anything substantial in ages, i think i might really have to leave the world of electronic talk in order to reconnect with myself and my writing. i have been 'blogging' instead of 'writing' far too often and it really isn't doing any good for me and my personal growth.

note: i get easily annoyed and impulsive during exam periods. i'm sorry to those who bear with all my ranting.

+ posted by M @ 1:59 PM

...	Friday, November 11, 2005

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

Your Ex-lover is Dead - Stars

GP! was okay. i think. i panic every few minutes thinking i screwed up (which is a possibility) but i'll try to play the 'gp is unpredictable' card to reassure myself. though AQ and Summary really were ... ANYWAY.

i did the question on the Arts in Singapore. to be expected of me? i can't seem to find anyone else who has done it. the thing is, if asked to do that question i normally would have chose not to (but all the other questions were just not things i could do). because when it comes to talking about the arts in singapore i get very emotional and sometimes overly bitter. which is really not a good thing in GP essays. i also think i was quite narrow in my scope. the question went, '... the arts, such as music and literature'. does that mean both aspects are to be discussed - aren't they just examples for the ignorant candidate that doesn't know what 'the arts' constitutes (and i wouldn't be surprised, honestly. yes, you can already see my take on singaporeans' awareness of the arts)? no points for anyone who can guess which aspect i quite blatantly lacked discussion in. it's not that i meant to, but my inclination is obviously towards literature. i think i also made many grammatical errors referring to it as 'the arts' all the time. also, i wanted to talk about the time when there was a fierce debate in the papers over some local writer saying the singapore arts scene was pathetic (or something to that extent) but i forgot his name. i described the event anyway, for the heck of it. and i managed to include Wilfred Owen's poem 'Dulce Et Decorum Est' in my AQ. i'm a self-indulgent writer who had no time to finish. please don't let me fail gp. PLEASE. if i can't do math AND gp, then i really am a pathetic fool.

also, Arthur Woolgar? the author in our compre passage? i dislike him and the way he writes. i found myself disagreeing vehemently with his writing and perhaps sounded a tad too harsh in my AQ. but anyway, it's over.

the thing is, this paper really made me think about things. the essay i did got me all fired up about the arts in singapore. so i was talking to dav about the state of the arts in singapore, and how sad it is that we singaporeans are so so so very contented with our country. i mean, yes, we're clean and green, we have a world class airline etc etc, but to what purpose! does it really truly matter? would people prefer to go to a country known for its rich culture and art though it might be relatively unhygienic than a country that has nothing to offer apart from food and a rather sterile environment? we try to create an identity, culture and promote creativity, but these are just things that can't be created! and it makes me so frustrated when i see just how contrived we are and how so very complacent we are. we shouldn't be that proud, really. just because we built the esplanade doesn't mean we're UP THERE. we're not, we're really not. we still have much to learn and if the government continues mothering us we'll be a stagnant society for a long time to come.

here i am, rambling and 'crusading' again.

anyway, stuff happened today that was quite ... dubious. bea happened to sit next to a girl quite notorious for cheating in exams. the ironic thing is that bea seems to be the only one in the arts fac who doesn't know of her reputation. anyway, the girl was cheating for gp essay by using a PRINTED paper of stats and odd facts (God knows how because all the topics we expected did not come to light this year), an A LEVEL EXAM. how does one bear to cheat? gosh. anyway i won't get into a rant about the ethics of that. the fact is, it is clearly wrong. not because it is 'unfair' (i couldnt care less about the 'unfairness' of it to other students who 'studied so hard', like many others do) but because it is dishonest. well, bea was very distracted and horrified during the exam and finally decided to report her to the invigilator. action was only taken much later after the two papers were completed so by then the girl had discarded of the evidence. guess what? the girl got away scot-free, claiming it was all a misunderstanding. there is clearly something wrong with the invigilating system. CLEARLY. i shall comment no further because this event speaks for itself.

gp gp gp. actually, i will miss gp. i quite liked it. but well, moving on.

live through this and you won't look back

+ posted by M @ 1:23 PM

...	Thursday, November 10, 2005

i really miss everyone, a lot. i don't know why but i've been getting so nostalgic these days. i miss charmelia and the way she cares so much. i miss kai. i miss holding hands with jen and jas in class. i miss having yings behind me. i miss yilin and jen's strange but amusing antics together. i miss dawn and going to RCIY with her (i really miss this, dawn! it meant a lot that we were both discovering more about church together for the first time). i miss shirin exclaiming, 'i want to have sex!' (i remember this! i don't know if anyone else does). i miss angela's intrusion into our classroom every breaktime (PR wouldn't have been the same without you, you know). i miss gayle, chalene, bea, sam (chalene and gayle's laughter!). i miss sabrin's squealing. i miss every other quirk i just miss everything. i miss having people to talk to about The Things That Matter - carol, dawn, jen, gayle. plenty of these people to be found in sc, and in my two years in nj i haven't come across anyone like that. no one.

i miss the first three months of jc life, when on our first day of orientation we'd all swap stories. i still remember bea telling me on the phone, 'mel, no one could have had a worse day than me'. and kai saying it was boring. and cel saying she got stuck with a bad ogl. and everyone generally feeling sad, but laughing about it with each other. i miss that we all needed to see each other and meet up (it doesn't seem that way anymore). i miss bumming around with mandy after school in njc almost everyday before we got more settled. i'd call her or she'd call me and we'd hang around in my class or somewhere.

i've come to this stunning realization that i am truly scgs-sick. for the past year i've seemingly been okay, managing without going back to sc for all the concerts and celebrations (not deliberately). but now i feel like i really can't do without. i want to go back - and yet i know that even when i go back all will greet me is the building. and beautiful as the she is on her own, it simply isn't the same without the people i know and love. to be truly cured of sc-sickness, i think, we'd have to go back in time. but we can't do that. it's best to just smile, and move on.

maybe i'm so nostalgic because as i take the A levels, i inadvertently think of when i took the O levels. and somehow, taking the O levels wasn't quite so bad. it wasn't half as sterile. we'd all be together, holding hands, praying, hanging around the aisles of the hall before our paper. kai calmly wishing me good luck. chalene organizing prayer sessions and giving my hand a squeeze before the paper. chalene and her cute photocopied fliers. GOD I REALLY MISS CHALENE! everyone a familiar face in the hall in their powderblue uniforms (even non-classmates). right now, when i glance around the hall i see many people i do not know at all, and it scares me. i'm in a room with hundreds of strangers, and it feels so terribly terribly cold and lonely.

i really miss you guys. really, really, really. i sound pathetic whining like this but i don't know why i am just feeling so sad (maybe it's the antibiotics).

+ posted by M @ 4:10 PM

...

12 years of math in my life (maybe even more) and it's over.

and you know what? it didn't go out with a bang. today's paper was DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE. and this just confirms my sentiments. i hate math. i hate it. it can go to hell for all i care. socrates and russell and all those other pathetic matheticians can just DIE 232987098723 times over again, okay? if there is something i'd want to erase - it would be math. Lacuna Inc erases devastating relationships right? so there it is, my tumultuous and self-destructive relationship with math should be erased. so i can never recognize any number again. how cool is that? do you think the world would be a better place without numbers? i think so. but then man would think up new ways of how to measure wealth and etc etc. so maybe it wouldn't make a difference to the world at large.

please forgive me if i sound very bitter. i was incredibly sick yesterday. i had a high fever (for the first time in 454398709837598 years, i'm serious) and i also threw up everything i ate (also a first in 349870987349587 years) including the medicine and thus had to suffer two injections. it is by God's grace that my body is more recovered today, but i can't say the same for my emotional wellbeing.

i'm feeling terrible. my parents, clearly, think i'm the worst person to ever walk this earth. nothing i do is ever, ever going to satisfy them. why why why am i here God? i don't understand, and the ambiguity and uncertainty is slowly driving me insane.

+ posted by M @ 12:27 PM

...	Wednesday, November 09, 2005

MY THROAT HURTS LIKE HELL.

curse whatever bacteria/germ thing this is. i can't even drink water without my throat burning up. WATER, can you imagine that?! let's not even talk about food. i'm not eating today. i refuse to. hunger strike against my own body. haha howww funnnyyy. God help me in my Math and GP papers. as well as help me with my STUDYING for other papers right now. sheesh. sheesh sheesh. i'd like to be angry with you God for doing this to me now, but my better judgment tells me that OF COURSE You have a plan. You ALWAYS have a plan (do you sense the sarcasm?). so i'll bite my tongue.

Good Lord!!!!! i want to be obedient and suffer in silence like i know You want me to, but it's very difficult. help me to help You, okay? cos i just can't do this without You.

+ posted by M @ 2:15 PM

...	Tuesday, November 08, 2005

so, the A Levels begin. math was not as easy as all the science students claimed. right after the paper ended i heard some unidentifiable science student gushing to his friend, 'that was so easy!' which really was quite disheartening.

it was not easy for me, but i didn't expect it to be. it was okay, though. i'm not upset about it, which is enough for me when it comes to math (but then again, i have never truly been upset about math because i have always expected my grades). i have not passed math the whole two years of my JC life, so you get the idea. i am counting on it quite badly for the As though. i felt a strange sort of pride today, about taking math. i mean, arts student and all ... yet taking math. i know how to use a calculator and integrate things. okay, so in the larger scheme of things who really cares, but for some reason today, it actually made me feel good.

clearly, i'm going insane. you wouldn't normally hear this sort of Math Pride from me. maybe this is partly derived from the euphoria of the realization that once wednesday is over - GOODBYE MATH! i want to have a bonfire and burn up my math stuff. and it seems quite a lot of other arts students have the desire to do this as well. (i really really really hope i do okay. please, God?)

i'm getting a little nervous now that the exams have officially begun. oh, and today we were greeted by a teacher in army camouflage barking into the microphone, as we stepped into the hall. he was probably back from reservist - but really, the head invigilator in camouflage and boots? it really was very absurd (and true of the situation). i did not think it was funny, at all. maybe under other circumstances i would have laughed, but i was wound too tight to think it was funny today. in fact, i found it annoying.

i am listening to jay chou on repeat. i got his latest album through devious means. the thing i like about jay is that he sings with quite a lot of emotion (though, ironically, i don't understand the lyrics) - is that generally how it is with chinese music? i am uninitiated in this music scene. but it seems chinese music is very melancholic in a mushy way.

okay, time to do some STATs now. oh i feel so clever, like i'm a statician!

... no, not really.

+ posted by M @ 8:16 PM

...

against my better judgment, i thought you would come through. and obviously, you didn't. i should have expected this. even if my situation isn't something pertaining to you, i'd thought you would have remembered. but this was something that seperated us, the lack of anything in common (especially in day to day experiences). i waited, though, as i always do. something i have to learn to stop doing.

but really, when i reason it out with myself, it isn't your fault. this is over; it has been for weeks. i'm just having a hard time putting that thought into my life. the heart always responds a little slower when things end as opposed to when they begin.

okay, it's a few hours to my math exam and i'm here writing an emo post. this is not good, surely. also i have the beginnings of a sorethroat. but i'm fine, it's all fine.

+ posted by M @ 10:44 AM

...	Monday, November 07, 2005

inconsequential post

so i finished up the manutd-chelsea match. very disappointing. both teams underperformed (chelsea majorly), man utd was lucky, in my opinion. i lost 50 dollars to my nine year old brother. jose mourinho is hot when he broods (is it so wrong for me to think so? am i the only one that thinks he's better looking than any of the players on the field? he also wears very nice coats and trenches. maybe Roman is funding his closet).

it's math paper 1 tomorrow and i feel strangely calm. calm enough to do barely anything today and be here typing rubbish. it's not that i'm a math genius or extremely well-prepared ... i just feel ... calm. the panic usually hits a few moments before. i hope i can get a good sleep tonight. i'm more panicked for lit history and gp, frankly, because i still have many notes left to digest and once the exams start tomorrow it somehow feels like i shouldn't still be studying them but revising them. which i cannot do until i have studied them, which i haven't finished doing. you get the drift. note: i have done ZILCH for gp. zilch. am somehow hoping an A will fall from the sky.

also, my computer is staging a revolt against me. it keeps flashing this pop-up 'replace wireless keyboard battery'. i refuse to replace the battery until the keyboard dies and i think it sensed this attitude. it got more adamant in its requests - the pop up became huge, and filled the WHOLE monitor. and it just kept blinking rapidly, so much so that i couldn't read what i was reading. eventually it stopped. but yes, computers - they're alive!

if things work out, i could be landing a job working for someone in the local film industry. apparently he's working on something new right now. i'll probably be given rubbish work and be treated really catty by the crew/cast and receive peanuts (or nonexistent) pay, but i think it will be a great opportunity and give me some eye-opening experience. maybe help me decide if that's really what i want to pursue or if i'd rather do theatre. so after this stint with the film people i'll probably look for some payless work at SRT and compare the two experiences. i don't know. i still want to do ice cream, though. but i've got a whole 9 months to fill with various jobs so it's okay.

and i didn't want to get carried away about 'prom'. but i'm starting to get a little bit excited. i think the arts girls are rubbing off on me. though i still refuse to do my hair and wear makeup. when the exams are here, anything and everything else just seems so much more appealing - even 'prom' which will be held at the swissotel and which i think will be quite pathetic - but! it's all angela's fault, really. she introduced me to the wonders of online shopping. i have been looking at things online non-stop and i bought a vintage dress (which was NOT cheap). have also seen many huge bling vintage earrings going for cheap. and lots of nice jewellery (i have a weakness for this), which i don't need for prom but which i want anyway. oh, i watched Eternal Sunshine (AGAIN) the other night, and apart from loving it very much (again), i couldn't help but be shallow and notice this - i absolutely adore the piece of jewellery joel bought clementine for valentines day. it's really the type of thing i like. if anyone has any idea how i can find out where i can get something like it from (or better yet, wants to buy it for me because i am so loved and adored) ...

but i realize i'm just about the only daft person who goes off noticing these things in films. and i maintain that the bookstore scene is my favourite scene, because, love among books? is wonderful.

the scary thing is, do you think Lacuna Inc will one day become real? i think there is plenty of demand for it. the memory is a precious and sometimes dangerous thing and i can see how everyone would want in on this technology. the government and so on. or maybe i'm just being paranoid, but i can really see it happening.

i wish i had more intelligent and profound things to say but my brain just doesn't want to respond and it's too much of an effort to revive it, so i'm going to have to end here.

+ posted by M @ 7:18 PM

...

it's the half-time of the chelsea-man utd match.

1-0 TO MAN UTD! OMG WHAT?!!!

i bet 50 bucks on chelsea with my brother. how can they do this to me? why are they playing so badly lately (charlton? real betis?!) and why TONIGHT? sure it's at old trafford, but did you not humiliate Liverpool 4-1 just a few weeks back at ANFIELD?! LAMPARD THAT WAS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY AND YOU WASTED IT. WASTED IT I SWEAR! i believed in you lampard, and you let me DOWN! omg. mourinho is going to scream at them. SCREAM at them.

i mean, FLETCHER?! FLETCHERR?!!! how what why why why. the header wasn't even that subliminal, i've seen you do much better LAMPARD.

okay, second half to go. i hope i don't lose money over this. and i'm sorry to people bothering to read this because unless you watched the match i don't think this makes any sense and i just sound insane.

+ posted by M @ 12:55 AM

...	Sunday, November 06, 2005

okay, so The Sunday Times can afford to do an article about Xiaxue's handicapped toilet NONSENSE but news on Nguyen Tuong Van is nowhere to be found. honestly, are people going to debate the toilet thing to death? it gets old, people. she just writes a silly blog about stupid things. honestly, she does. entertaining sometimes but altogether meaningless. you obviously have nothing better to talk about because the media is tight-lipped about anything which might threaten government power and -gasp- actually require THINKING!

really, sometimes i read the singapore news and find it is of deplorable quality. we cover such trashy stuff, honestly. i feel like the government and media is doing its best to make us maintain 'infantile decorum' [in the words of Aldous Huxley].

yes, i am annoyed. i am annoyed that we cannot debate about issues that are important, i am annoyed that we are constantly being smothered by the government's borderline totalitarian rule, i am annoyed that the citizens of Singapore barely know what's happening in their country [other than rubbish posted on rubbish blogs and soccer facts], i am annoyed that people are so apathetic, i am annoyed that we have no voice, i am annoyed.

but annoyance isn't going to help anything, so i shall just go and soak my head now. the A levels are in two days. i should go and study my brains out just like the good singaporean student i'm supposed to be.

+ posted by M @ 7:26 PM

...	Saturday, November 05, 2005

Salutation

O generation of the thoroughly smug
and thoroughly uncomfortable,
I have seen fishermen picnicking in the sun,
I have seen them with untidy families,
I have seen their smiles full of teeth
and heard ungainly laughter.
And I am happier than you are,
And they were happier than I am;
And the fish swim in the lake
and do not even own clothing.

Ezra Pound

i've decided i'll do poetry posts these days because they express truly how i feel. and they're not even my own words. because if i were to blog, i'd be blogging about The O.C. and how exciting it is right now and how i can't stand my brothers' tastes in music:

'oh, i'm melissa, i'm so intolerant of other people's tastes in music!' - brother greg on my groans whenever he listens to Ashlee Simpson or some other generic pop.

i'm not intolerant, i just don't like it when it's blasting from the speakers right next to me. i'm sure many other people have put up with my weird taste in music (sometimes my friends listen to my iPod and go, 'God, mel, what is THIS?'), like Sleater-Kinney, which trust me i have grown out of.

see i've gone and done it. anyway. the whole stophanging issue. i've had pretty interesting conversations the past few days with people who are actually FOR the death penalty. now before we automatically stereotype these people as coldhearts, i have to say they are some of the nicest people i've across. and the harsh truth is, many people share their opinions, that's why the death penalty exists in the first place.

i'm inclined to believe this is a battle we can't win. partly because the government is bent on keeping its iron fist grip on power and partly because Chee Soon Juan has gotten involved which makes the whole thing a lot messier (politically), if you ask me. i believe this issue isn't just about crime, it's about the government's need to show its firmness and its ultimate ruling in our lives - PAP will be damned before they lose to an opposition party leader. but the fact is, they shouldn't see it as that. they should start recognising that a real life is involved here, not just an opportunity to show 'who's your daddy'. now THAT is justice.

the death penalty has already shown itself to be ineffective - why are we continuing? hoping that we'll be able to wait it out and finally start seeing results? at what cost - a few hundred more lives?

you know why i don't believe in the death penalty? the reasons given for it don't seem very valid at all. 'the death penalty is a deterrence', seems to be the most popular one. firstly, it has already shown itself to be ineffective as a deterrent - 'According to Amnesty International, Singapore executes more people per capita than any other country in the world. Anyone caught with 15 grams or more of heroin faces a mandatory death sentence. Alas, the high rate of executions for drug-traffickers has not reduced drug-related crimes in Singapore'. secondly, i don't think the death penalty leaves a lasting impression on any criminal. yes, initially there's the shock value that one dies for the crime, but that's not going to stop them in the long run. all criminals go into the trade with the assumption that they won't get caught (it's human nature, we always think, 'that's not going to happen to me'). if all we do is provide condemnation, how are they going to learn from their mistakes? rather than death, we should be granting them work with counselors, religious activists etc in order for them to rehabilitate themselves and truly repent. even if they repent before death, which usually is the case, is it out of fear of death or is it out of a true understanding that what they did was wrong? do we really care for these people as individuals or are we just concerned with cleaning up crime quickly? we have to stop seeing these people as things to 'clean out' and start seeing them as individual human lives.

and then people say things like 'they deserve it'. with regards to Nguyen Tuong Van's case, i don't think he does. the circumstances do have to be taken into consideration. this was his first time drugtrafficking and he did it out of desperation to save his brother. he wasn't even motivated by greed or wealth. yes, it doesn't erase the fact that what he did was wrong, but people make mistakes. is his mistake one he should die for? no, i don't think so. no one really, really deserves to die, much less from such a gruesome death as hanging. the times, they are a-changing. why are we still subscribing to such grisly victorian-esque methods of law enforcement? don't we pride ourselves as a civilized society?

in singapore, the majority of us are fortunate to live comfortable lives. we've never found ourselves in a situation that Nguyen Tuong Van was in. imagine if we did, what would we do? would we sincerely be able to promise we wouldn't go out of our way to make sure our sibling wasn't killed by the triads? that fact is, we cannot even come close to imagining the fear and desperation he must have felt. we really don't have the right to judge him and say 'he deserves it'.

just my two cents worth. my take on the government decision with regards to this issue could be wrong. i am but a mere 18 year old who is not all that well-read and fluent in the ways of politics, i'm just trying to make sense of things for myself. if anyone wants to talk it out with me, i'd be more than happy to discuss stuff.

oh, this is just awful. please click.

clemency, folks, clemency.

+ posted by M @ 9:29 PM

...	Friday, November 04, 2005

okay so here it is, my list of US colleges:

1. Chicago (IL) : because the students are quirky intellectuals who are interested in life, and i just have a pretty good feeling about this school. a good enough feeling about it to make it my EA.

2. Brandeis (MA) : good theatre program, small liberal arts college located in massachusetts. enough said.

3. Barnard (NY) : WOMENS' COLLEGE. yup. but i decided what the heck. it's in NYC! and the Columbia-Barnard theatre department is one and the same for both schools. so it's not like i'll be taking lessons in an all-girls' classroom. plus, students there have a reputation for being artsy, definitely a good thing in my books.

4. Boston U (MA) : Robert Pinsky and Ha Jin teach English there. ought to be interesting. furthermore, they've got a lot of film resources to drawn from (including collaborations with Dreamworks, which is interesting) - and, it's in Boston.

5. Brown (RHODE ISLAND) : i really doubt i'm going to get in, but i'm just applying anyway. partly parents' expectations and partly 'what-the-heck'. 'only the impossible is worth the effort'.

6. Emerson (MA) : liberal arts college in boston geared completely towards communication and the arts. not all that prestigious, but i like it.

7. Vassar (NY) : Anthony Bourdain's school (and Meryl Streep's and Lisa Kudrow's. i'm sure many other peoples' as well but these are the names that come to mind). but that's not why i'm applying there. frankly i really don't know why i'm applying there because i'm not all that fond of it, but i wanted to apply to one more LAC in NY and this one was well-known enough for my parents (skidmore, hamilton didn't please them).

8. Reed (OREGON) : the only school on the west coast i'm applying to. i really like this college. very little is known of them because they refuse to submit material to the rankings systems on a matter of principle. i love that attitude. also one of the only (possibly the only) school that requires its undergrads to write a thesis before they can graduate. apparently they have some ritual where the seniors parade with their completed theses. quirky? yeah, i think so, but i like it.

so that wraps it all up. 8 schools. mark lo dropped his jaw today when he saw how many envelopes i brought to school. it was kind of funny. well, all this agonizing over US schools is done with because i gave out all the envelope stuffies to teachers, counselor etc today. so it's final. no more changing my mind over and over again. i'll only worry about the essays etc after the As and even then it won't be that big a deal because i can recycle my Chicago one somewhat. so all i can do now is study for the As and see where God leads me.

+ posted by M @ 10:48 PM

...	Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Rest

O helpless few in my country,
O remnant enslaved!
Artists broken against her,
A-stray, lost in the villages,
Mistrusted, spoken-against,

Lovers of beauty, starved,
Thwarted with systems,
Helpless against the control;

You who can not wear yourselves out
By persisting to successes,
You who can only speak,
Who can not steel yourselves into reiteration;

You of the finer sense,
Broken against false knowledge.
You who can know at first hand,
Hated, shut in, mistrusted:

Take thought:
I have weathered the storm,
I have beaten out my exile.

Ezra Pound

visit this. i have no hesitations in saying that drug trafficking is wrong, but death just isn't the solution.

+ posted by M @ 5:30 PM

...	Wednesday, November 02, 2005

i'm not in a very good mood today.

after a few virgin listens, i've decided Corrinne May is annoying and that while i appreciate the CD i got as a birthday gift from jen, i've decided that she's really not my style. annoying woman, annoying voice, annoying lyrics. her piano melodies can be pretty nice, but that's besides the point. rachel yamagata she is not. her's and john mayer's are my 'go-to-sleep' songs. almost zero emotion in their voices, i tell you. smooth, slick, BORING.

also i'm annoyed that my computer seems to be eating up all the music files i took great pains to find (trembling blue stars, fiona apple, franz ferdinand)!!! i don't want to redownload them because as it is i'm low on memory and trembling blue stars is a bloody hard band to find.

augh.

also my math tutor keeps wasting my precious notepad paper during lessons. have i mentioned how much i HATE wasting paper? or ink? or any type of stationery - especially paper!? it's not that i'm a go green hippie or anything, BUT I JUST HATE WASTING PAPER! i'm obsessive about it. just as i'm obsessive about the colour scheme of my highlighted notes and the appropriate headings and categories as to how to make notes and basically just obsessive about my notes. especially lit notes.

annnoooooyyyyinnnnggggg!

or it could just be that i'm functioning on less than 4 hours of sleep with ZERO caffeine [save for a few sips of diet coke during lunch. but that was so minimal it's really not counted as compared to the coffee from my coffee machine, really!]. when the exams end i want my caffeine, i want it i want it i want itttttttt (even though i won't really be needing it, but well).

EDIT: AND I WANT TO LISTEN TO THE NEW JAY CHOU ALBUM NOW NOW NOWWWWWWW

+ posted by M @ 8:28 PM

...	Tuesday, November 01, 2005

i desperately want to shout to the whole world how much i miss you. and more importantly, i want to tell you so.

but i can't. the hatchet has to be buried. we all have to keep on going. i can't let feelings get in the way.

i hate secrets, and i hate that i'm always keeping them.

i watched a japanese movie once [the title escapes me now], and one of the characters couldn't tell the other how much she loved him, and so she went to a mountain top and she shouted it to the wind. and when the wind blew, the world was alive with her secret, and he knew. so that it wasn't a secret anymore.

Crying Out Love From The Centre Of The Universe.

what a poetic movie title [not the title of the movie above, but a title nonetheless].

maybe it's just me
but you seem finally happy
i don't think i've seen your face just glow
like a neon sign
and maybe we should be alone for ever after
'cause even though the nights are long
at least i'll make it another day

'cause i can't live if you're not happy
i can't live if you cry
but i can live without you
if it makes you smile

- maybe it's just me, butch walker

+ posted by M @ 11:07 PM

...

finally submitted Chicago EA app online with Dav last night. we were both excited, both apprehensive, as if we were treading on the periphery of something life-changing. well, actually we KNEW it was something life-changing. whether we both get in or we both don't or either of us gets in, i know that result will lead us closer to where we're going and to what we're looking for.

it's all one big search. if only you could send out a search party and a police force to help you look, but the problem is i don't know what i'm looking for either. i'd just end up with a very confused bunch of civil servants and a huge bill. i guess in a way, metaphorically, people do help me edge closer in my search by doing the things they do. action and reaction - all for a purpose. that's kind of why i'm so unhesitant about studying overseas. everyone says they'll miss their family, their nice bed, their room, their friends, their cat, their soap in the bathroom. but i haven't thought of that - because other than the food which i WILL miss, i'm willing to just pack up and go. and besides, in the 9 month long wait, i will be teaching myself how to cook laksa etc to satisfy my cravings once i'm off in be it the UK or the US.

it's not that i don't love everyone here, or i don't love this place. yes i will miss everyone, but it's not going to keep me from going. i haven't felt anything here was that much worth staying for yet. i know i'm searching for something and i'm willing to go all out to find it. and at this point something is telling me i can't stay here. maybe next year when all the admission results to Universities and 'A' Level results come out i'll be made to stay due to not meeting criteria (God forbid! if i do stay i hope it'll be for other reasons), or either way maybe something will crop up to prevent me from going. and i'll accept that, i will be upset, but i will accept it. maybe i can find what i'm looking for here - it's just a matter of time. maybe after going overseas and everything i'll find that what i'm looking for was always right in front of me (as it so often is). but i don't really know that yet, i don't know much yet and i'm waiting to know and i'm searching to know.

things don't come to you without searching for them, even if they were right where you left them and you didn't realize. the search will make you realize it. beauty is never effortless.

God has plans for me. it's hard to lead and connect this all back to God when i've been so self-centred lately. i don't even know how to properly feel that He has a plan, but i'm saying it because i know even though i don't have that much confidence in it yet, it is true.

+ posted by M @ 12:05 PM